Dirty, Reckless Love

by Lexi Ryan

  “That sounds great. Thank you.” I grab my purse from the floorboard and hear my phone ding with a text message. Levi climbs out of the truck as I unlock my phone to look at it.

  Colton: He’s gone. It’s done.

  I frown at the screen. I’m tapping in a reply to ask what he’s talking about when the next one comes.

  Colton: Shit. Ignore that. I meant to send that to Molly.

  “Fuck you too, buddy,” I mutter, but the fact that he’s texting her and not me cuts so deep I want to scream. Instead, I’ll pretend I’m someone else. I shove my phone back into my purse and toss it on the floor. Colton and Molly are tomorrow’s problem. Tonight, I’m going to enjoy the lake and the sunset, and pretend my life isn’t a complete disaster.

  Levi

  Ellie rests her head against my shoulder as the sun dips low on the horizon and the cicadas start to sing. It feels good to have her here, and that little bit of contact—her easy lean toward me—is everything.

  Only when I turn to suggest that we go back to the truck to head home do I realize her eyes are closed. She’s fallen asleep. Her neck’s at an awkward angle, and her body’s slumped sideways.

  Shifting carefully, I guide her down to lie in my lap. I wrap an arm around her waist so she won’t roll off the edge of our rocky perch and into the lake. But once she’s settled, I still can’t take my eyes off her. Her dark hair is spread out across my lap, her sooty lashes are resting against her freckled cheeks, and her lips are slightly parted. The sun is setting, and soon I’ll only have the light of the moon and stars to see by. I want to memorize her in every light.

  “You’re beautiful,” I whisper. She opens her eyes, and when I realize she heard me, I don’t even care. “I’m sure guys tell you that all the time, but I’ve never gotten a turn.” My voice is huskier this time, thick with a vulnerability I can’t deny. “I thought I’d have a chance the night we met. I imagined getting you alone at that party. I thought I’d tell you then.”

  “But you didn’t,” she says, studying my face.

  I sweep a lock of hair off her cheek and tuck it behind her ear. “Colton showed up and he’d already claimed you.” I tear my gaze off her to tilt my face toward the sky.

  “I didn’t think you liked me. When Colton and I were new, you were cold to me for a long time.”

  Because you were too close to our secrets. And because I wanted you for myself. “You were his. Whether I liked it or not. Colton’s an idiot who went through girls like they were disposable.”

  She studies me carefully. “You’ve said that before, but I’m not his.”

  “I don’t mean it like that. I just mean . . .”

  “But he does. He thinks he can fuck around on me, have this whole relationship with someone else and only share the parts of himself he finds convenient, and I should be at home waiting. Because I’m his. But it doesn’t work that way. I’m not property. I don’t belong to anyone and I can walk away any time I want.”

  I swallow hard. She didn’t walk away—even when she should have—and I guess I’m not sure yet if she’ll really walk away this time.

  She sits up and grimaces, arching her back as she stretches. “I’d rather not talk about him tonight. If that’s okay?”

  “Sorry.” The last of the sun disappears in the distance. “Are you ready to get out of here?”

  “I don’t want to go home,” she says, and I make myself wait a beat before I respond. Because I don’t want to take her home, but I’m not sure I should be inviting her to come to my house either.

  “Do you want to stay at the cabin?”

  She shakes her head. “That’s too real. Can we just stay out here? Not all night. Just . . . longer.”

  “Anything you want.”

  She stands and climbs into the bed of my truck, flashing me a mischievous smile over her shoulder. “Wanna come look at some stars with a woman who doesn’t belong to anyone, Levi Jackson?”

  I swallow thickly and nod, following her into the truck bed. “Here.” I reach into the back seat of the truck and grab the blankets I keep with the emergency kit in there. She helps me spread one out, then wastes no time lying down and putting her hands behind her head.

  She’s so fucking beautiful under the full moon. Her body is stretched out, her face tilted to the sky like she can’t soak up enough of the moonlight. I can’t soak up enough of her.

  I stretch out beside her on my back and mimic her pose with my hands behind my head.

  “Thank you for bringing me here,” she says. “Sometimes it’s nice to get away from everything. To turn off the phone. I don’t realize how being constantly connected and reachable makes my life feel loud until I shut it all off. I don’t do it often enough. This feels good.”

  “You’re welcome out here any time you want. Just say the word.”

  She rolls to her side, propping one arm under her head as she studies my face. “And you’ll come with me?”

  My breath catches, and then I nod. “If you wanted me with you. But if you didn’t, that would be okay too.”

  “Would it?” Her eyes dip to my mouth, and I’m grateful for the rising moon and the stars so I can still see her face, see the way her lips part, the way her eyes go darker. “You’re so good at being the noble guy, Levi. You wouldn’t share the bed with me at Jake’s, and now you’re telling me I can come to your special spot without you. You haven’t put your hands on me once, and meanwhile, I can hardly think about anything else. Not that I can blame you. Here I am, knocked up and afraid. A real catch.”

  “Ellie . . .” I could tell her my self-control has nothing to do with her pregnancy. Or I could list all the reasons touching her would be a bad idea. Instead, I slide a hand into her hair and roll over her, resting my weight on my elbows. Slowly, I lower my mouth to hers. With lips that should speak sense and caution her against doing something she might regret, I kiss her.

  I’ve been waiting two and a half years for this kiss—since the night we met at the fundraiser and I found out she was Colton’s girl. And it was worth every aching second of the wait. Her mouth is soft and slow to open under mine—not like she’s hesitating, but as if she’s savoring this every bit as much as I am.

  She pulls her knees up on either side of my hips, allowing me to settle between her thighs, and I can feel the heat of her through my jeans. I’m so fucking hard from a simple kiss, and I want to know how it would feel to be pressed against her, flesh to flesh.

  “You’re so beautiful,” I whisper against her mouth.

  “Then touch me.”

  I don’t ask her what this means or what happens tomorrow or where we stand. Why ask when I know I can’t refuse? I’d give her anything she wanted, regardless of how she answered. I won’t ruin this moment by asking her for answers I might not want to hear.

  With a small smile, she presses a palm against my chest. I sit back on my heels and watch in awe as she tugs her shirt off over her head, then unclasps her bra and tosses it to the side.

  Her breasts are full, her nipples tight and perfect. I shift forward, kissing her mouth before moving down her neck, glorying in the way she arches and turns her head to give me better access to the sweet spot beneath her ear.

  I kiss my way across her collarbone, then down over her breasts, where I flick my tongue across one nipple. She practically vibrates as she shifts toward my mouth. I feel her need as acutely as I feel my own. I cup her breast in one hand and pull her nipple into my mouth. She gasps. “God. This. Levi . . .”

  My name on her lips is my favorite song, and I wish I could play it on repeat. My other hand slides down to her skirt. It’s bunched around her hips, and I find the zipper and tug at the waistband, greedy to feel her heat, desperate to turn her gasps into moans and make her come. She helps me, and I pull away long enough for her to peel off her skirt and panties. The second she’s free of them, she grabs the hem of my shirt and pulls it over my head.

  When she reaches for the button on my jeans, I stop
her. “Let me touch you first.”

  Her eyes meet mine as she lies on her back in an invitation I can’t refuse. I hover over her, supporting myself on one hand while the other slides between our bodies to cradle her between her legs. The slick heat on my fingers makes me dizzy with lust. With need.

  She closes her eyes. “Don’t hate me for this tomorrow.”

  “I could never hate you.” But I hesitate. “Do you want to stop?”

  “No. Please.” She lifts her hips, pressing into my touch as if asking for more. “It’s just that I’m afraid you’ll—”

  “Shh.” I lower my mouth to hers and kiss her hard. “There’s nothing you need to be afraid of right now. Not from me.”

  “I need you. I want this.”

  I slide a finger inside her. She’s hot and tight and so damn wet. As if she’s been thinking about this as long as I have. “You feel so good,” I whisper into her neck. “So fucking hot.”

  “Oh my God.” She rocks into my hand, moaning when I suck at her neck and nibble the path to her shoulder. “Levi.”

  I fuck her with my hand, loving the way she tightens around me, loving the movement of her hips growing more erratic, more desperate. I commit every piece of the moment to memory. The flush of her cheeks in the moonlight, the way my name comes in a gasp off her lips like she’s breathing me in, the way her moans of pleasure mingle with the light breeze floating through the trees.

  When she comes, it’s so exquisite that I nearly do too. My blood pulses hard and hot toward my cock, sending a lightning bolt of pleasure down my spine.

  Swallowing, I pull away.

  She grabs my wrist to hold me close. “Where are you going?”

  I shake my head. “Nowhere.” I don’t want to tell her that the pressure of her thigh against my cock nearly had me embarrassing myself in my jeans. “I’m right here.”

  “Make love to me,” she whispers.

  “Ellie, I—”

  She puts a finger to my lips. “I have no regrets. No matter what happens, tonight is a gift. It’s what I want. If you want it too, don’t pull away. Not yet.”

  I don’t like the yet or the idea that she’s already planning an end to this, but I focus on the rest. Tonight is a gift. It’s what I want.

  I watch her as I strip out of my jeans. I push them down my legs and kick them to the side as the cool night air washes over my bare skin.

  Her eyes are glued to me, watching every movement. Her gaze skips over my bare chest down to my hard cock.

  I reach into the back window of my truck and grab a condom from my stash.

  She laughs. “You’re quite the Boy Scout, aren’t you?”

  I grin at her, putting the condom on. “Always prepared?”

  “Hurry,” she murmurs, reaching for me.

  “I’d rather not hurry. I want to go slow. To take my time. But you’ve got me feeling like a teenage boy, so I’m not sure either of us will have much say in the matter.” I lower onto her, pressing a kiss to her mouth. “You’re sure?”

  Nodding, she runs her hands down my back and lifts her hips to meet me. “Yes. Please.”

  “No regrets.” I hold her gaze. An owl cries in the distance and the frogs sing, but the whole world seems to quiet as I slide into her.

  I press deeper and she throws her head back. Her eyes close and a moan escapes her lips. “Levi,” she whispers, and I fucking love the sound of my name when she says it like that—laced with pleasure and gratitude. As if in this moment I’m everything that matters in her world.

  I don’t move at first. Our bodies are connected. How did we get here, and why the hell did it take us so long?

  “I’m in love with you,” I whisper. She gasps, and her eyes fly open and meet mine. I lower my mouth to cover hers before she can speak, kissing away her worry and questions. “I’m not looking for you to say it back. I just love you. I’ve been in love with you for a long time, and I wanted you to know.”

  She wraps her legs around my waist and squeezes me tighter. Threading her fingers through my hair, she guides my mouth back down to hers. I know it’s the best response she can offer me right now—being here with me, giving herself to me. I won’t ask for more. Not yet.

  I’m greedy to get her caught up to where I’ve been for years, but all I can do is show her what my love feels like and hope hers comes with time.

  Ellie

  Friday, October 26th

  Levi told me he loves me.

  Something about the sun setting over the lake triggered memories of the night Levi brought me here. I was walking back to the car when the context for “No regrets” came to me so clearly that my knees nearly buckled. Since that moment, I haven’t taken my eyes off him.

  Today, we were damn near naked, and he pulled away after a single kiss. But when we were here in August, he didn’t exercise so much control. “I’m in love with you.”

  The words were braver than I felt—not a mercy kill to our friendship, but a promise I didn’t deserve. He loved me. Whatever happened, I wouldn’t be alone.

  I might not have said the words in return that night, but I felt them aching in my chest all the way through to my fingertips. I just didn’t know what to do with my love, or how to handle the fact that it wasn’t new. My feelings for Levi have grown and evolved since the night we met, from lust for a stranger, to affection for a friend, to love and loyalty for a man who was my rock. He carried me through some of Colton’s roughest patches, was there to pick me up when Colton couldn’t. I didn’t tell him how I felt, but we made love. That was my way of saying he meant something to me when I wasn’t in a position to make any promises in return.

  The memory of his body over mine sends chills of anticipation up my spine and makes me want to reach for him. I can’t blame him for pulling away today. I walked away from Levi after we slept together. I took Colton back and put on his ring.

  Is Levi right? Was that decision based on the baby alone? When I slept with Levi, I didn’t believe being with Colton was the best thing for my child. Quite the contrary, in fact. Why did I change my mind?

  The drive home is quiet, and Levi keeps taking his eyes off the road to steal glances in my direction. “Are you okay?”

  I saw Colton. He told me to stay with Levi, then he disappeared into the woods before I could see his face. As if he’d never been there. I should tell Levi, but some deep-rooted protective instinct makes me keep my encounter in the woods a secret, and I lean into the ache of gnawing guilt. I can trust Levi, and so can Colton, but something holds me back. “I just have a lot to think about.”

  He nods. “I’m always here to listen if you need to talk.”

  I lean my head against his shoulder. “Thank you.”

  We’re nearly back to Jackson Harbor when Levi’s phone rings through the Bluetooth in his Mustang. He taps the button on the steering wheel. “Hello?”

  “Where the hell are you?” Shay’s voice comes through the speakers. Her words blur together so much I’m guessing standing up straight isn’t among her talents at the moment. “Your family is celebrating, but you’re MIA.”

  Levi grins. “I thought the celebration was tomorrow. You know, the wedding, the monkey suits, the fancy decorations, and the band?”

  “Pshh! Everyone knows the real party is the night before. Where are you? We’re all hanging out at Jackson Brews and trying Jake’s new IPA.”

  Levi snorts. “That explains why you sound like you’re already three sheets to the wind. Did anyone warn you it’s almost twelve percent ABV?”

  “I don’t need warned about beer,” Shay says haughtily. “I’m a Jackson. Not some lightweight college girl.”

  “Sure, sis.”

  “You should see Molly. That girl’s had twice as much as me and is barely flushed. I’m pretty sure she could drink all the Jackson men under the table.”

  I stiffen. Before Shay mentioned her name, I was ready to run home, change into dry clothes, and join them. More than ready—I was eager to su
rround myself with old friends and forget my problems for a few hours.

  “Lots of practice!” Molly calls out in the background, and Shay laughs.

  “When will you be here?”

  Levi takes his eyes from the road for a beat to look at me, and I shake my head. “You can go,” I say softly.

  “Is that Ellie?” Shay chuckles. “Are you with Ellie? Is she really staying at your house? Am I interrupting something romantic? Sorry, Levi. I never mean to be a cock blocker. It just comes naturally.”

  “I’m gonna pass tonight,” he says, ignoring her questions. “I’ll see everyone tomorrow.”

  “You can bring her! Come on, Levi.”

  “It’s been a long day, and tomorrow will be another one,” he says, cutting his eyes to me again. “Remember that before you have another beer, okay?”

  “Party pooper,” Shay mutters.

  “See you tomorrow, Shayleigh. Love you.”

  “Love you too.”

  He ends the call as he pulls into his driveway, pressing the button on his visor to open his garage door.

  I feel like an ass. “You can go. Just because I don’t want to doesn’t mean you need to miss it.”

  He shakes his head and pulls into the garage. “If I walked into that bar, it would give Shay an excuse to have another beer. That’s the last thing she needs before tomorrow.”

  I cringe. “It’s a family weekend, and you’re stuck with me because you think it’s your job to play bodyguard.”

  He cuts the engine and studies me for a beat, his dark gaze piercing in the car’s low dome light. “I can honestly say playing bodyguard was the furthest thing from my mind.” He shakes his head. “In fact, seeing you all wet in your bra and panties might have entirely wiped my brain of anything but lust. I’m surprised I remembered how to drive.”

  Butterflies go wild in my stomach, but I try to laugh. “Now you need another cold shower?”

  “Nah, I didn’t care for that. Anyway, someone told me real men take hot showers and jack off.”