Dirty, Reckless Love

by Lexi Ryan

“Why didn’t you just come get what you wanted yourself?” I ask, abandoning the pretense of not remembering the unit. “Why bring me here?”

  “Oh, you know how storage units work.” He pops the lock open and waves me inside. If this were a movie, he’d take his gun out and point it at me to get me to enter that tiny, dark space. But this isn’t a movie, and fear can motivate you as well as a gun pointed at your head. Sometimes fear is as simple as the memory of the back of a hand cracking against your jaw. Sometimes it’s as simple as drug-glazed eyes demanding information you can’t share.

  “What do you mean?” It’s so dark in here, but I remember the contents clearly. The forgeries of the Discovery collection are wrapped in blankets in the far-right corner, and behind them is the hard drive with all the information Colton had gathered against his father. I haven’t been here since the night I first opened the unit.

  “You come to pick something up, you drop something else off.”

  I turn and take a step toward the door, horrified of the idea of that door closing and him locking me in here.

  “The cameras were tougher to deal with. People are always shocked at the number of cameras that can track you through town and watch you deliver someone to a storage unit. People think witnesses are their biggest concern, but there’s nothing as damning as digital footage. It took some work on my part to deal with the cameras so I could make this happen.”

  I hear a sharp cry and turn to see the silhouette of a man in the corner. I step closer, but I know it’s Colton even before my eyes adjust enough to take in the duct tape over his mouth and the rope tethering his legs and wrists.

  “Luckily, Levi helped me out by letting me know where I could find Colton. I reported it to my unit, of course, but only after I’d brought him here. I couldn’t have him telling my colleagues his secrets.”

  I never saw Colton’s face the night he grabbed me in the woods, but I see it now, and the darkness can’t hide how awful he looks. Thin. Exhausted. But alive . . . for now. I lunge toward him. “Colton.”

  “That’s right. Go be with your honey. It’s kind of tragic, really. You young lovers are finally reunited, only to have your story end with such a waste of life. Then again, the media always seems to gobble up the macabre beauty of murder-suicides. Just sit down, Ellie. Like I told you the night at your house, brutality isn’t my style. I was just trying to get some information, but you were stubborn. Too stubborn. I’m sure you’d agree now that withholding information from a police officer is never worth it in the end.”

  “Why didn’t you just kill me, then?” I ask. “Why not just frame Colton? Everyone thought he hurt me. Why draw it out?”

  “I needed you to find Colton, and I couldn’t risk the police finding Colton alive.”

  “What about Nelson? Where’s he?” I ask, turning away from Colton to face this evil man with a badge. Over his shoulder, I spot Levi, a cadre of officers behind him with guns raised. Thank God.

  “He was as hard to track as his son, but I took care of him. I imagine they’ll find his body in the lake soon, and everyone will be so glad that his evil son is already dead.” He gives a gleeful smile. “My secrets will die with you and Colton.”

  I meet Levi’s eyes. “There’s no secret that time won’t reveal.”

  “Unless you’re dead,” Huxley says cheerfully, waving the gun at me. “Now sit by your fiancé.”

  “Hands up,” an officer says behind him.

  Detective Huxley’s eyes go wide and he spins around. There are at least half a dozen guns aimed right at his chest, but Huxley aims his right back.

  “Get down!” Levi shouts, and I drop to the floor just as bullets go flying all around me.

  Ellie

  Monday, October 29th

  Detective Ben Huxley was arrested yesterday and is being held on multiple counts—including attempting to murder me, killing Colton’s father, extortion, and myriad other offenses the prosecutor listed. It turns out Nelson was bluffing when he told me he’d frame Colton for his death, but Nelson’s bluff was Huxley’s grand plan. He needed to get rid of anyone he thought might know what he’d done for Nelson, including the man himself.

  I spent most of yesterday being interviewed at the police station, and when they finally let me go, I drove back to Dyer to see my mom. She wasn’t happy about letting me leave this morning, but she understands that I’m safe now and I need to go on with my life.

  I walk quietly into Colton’s hospital room and my emotions go haywire, each trying to trample the others to take the spot front and center in my mind. I love this man, but I couldn’t protect him from his father or from addiction. We never should have tried to do either alone.

  “Ellie,” Colton whispers, barely opening his eyes. He’s dehydrated and malnourished after weeks of hiding from the police. After all, he knew the evidence he had and that Detective Huxley was working with his father, and he didn’t trust anyone enough to turn over the evidence he found. “You’re the most beautiful thing I’ve seen all month.”

  I sit on the edge of his bed and take his hand in mine, careful not to move his IV. “I’ve been so worried about you,” I whisper, tracing his cracked cuticles with my fingertips.

  “You almost died. I thought I could take Huxley down on my own, but I knew I wouldn’t be able to do anything if they locked me up for hurting you.” He cups the side of my face. “You didn’t really believe I could have done that, did you?”

  I shake my head. “Once I remembered you, I knew you wouldn’t have hurt me.”

  He takes a lock of my hair and rubs it between his fingers. “I still want to marry you.”

  My throat is so thick that it’s painful to swallow. Tears run in hot streaks down my face. “Colton . . .”

  He shakes his head slowly, scanning my face like he’s trying to memorize it. “I already know. I even knew while you were wearing my ring.”

  “You thought you could fight Nelson alone, and I thought we could save you from your addictions alone.” I draw in a ragged breath that sounds a little like a sob. “We were both wrong.”

  “Nelson’s gone now.”

  “But you will always be an addict.” The words hurt to say. I don’t think either of us was ever willing to believe that painful truth. “And I hope you’ll choose to be a sober addict, but it’s time to stop hiding it. If you want to get and stay sober, your family needs to know. No more secret rehab. No more pretending you’re fine when you need help.”

  He leans back against his pillow and closes his eyes. “Is that why I lost you? The drugs?”

  I squeeze his fingers. “I think we both know that question is too complicated for a yes or no answer. The drugs were a problem, but they weren’t our only problem.”

  “You and Levi?”

  I shrug, my emotions jumbled. “Maybe.”

  “But no more you and me.” He pulls his hand to mine and drops it to the bed.

  I meet his eyes and press my fist to the guilty ache in my chest. “Not in the way we used to be, but we’ll always be friends. I thought I had to stay with you to save you from the pills.” I swallow. “But I can’t save you, and I don’t have to marry you to be by your side as you take your life back.”

  He searches my face, resignation written all over his. “When did I lose you?”

  I shake my head. “Maybe you didn’t. Maybe I lost you. I should have seen the signs when you started spiraling, but I was so scared I was going to end up alone with a baby that I didn’t see anything but my biggest fears.” He goes blurry for a beat before I feel the hot roll of fresh tears down my cheeks. “I’m sorry.”

  “Nah, baby. You don’t owe me any apologies. I took my eyes off the prize.”

  I laugh. “And what was that?”

  “You. Us. I was looking for my father, blind in my rage, and I was too busy trying to deal with other people’s problems when Huxley hurt you. I should have been there. Instead, you were trying to protect me, and you almost died.”

  “Y
ou can’t take on that guilt. Huxley is responsible for what he stole from us. No one else.” Would Huxley have spared me if I’d told him about the storage unit that night? Would he have spared my baby? I don’t believe he would have. The thing about digital information is that just because you have a copy of it, doesn’t mean you have control of it. Colton had digitized everything he had against his father and all the men in this town who’d helped him over the years. Including Detective Huxley, who’d covered up plenty along the way. Having the hard drive wouldn’t have been enough for Huxley.

  Colton closes his eyes and gives a faint nod. “I love you.”

  Standing, I kiss his forehead. “I love you too.”

  “Levi’s a good one,” he says, eyes still closed. “You could do worse.”

  I turn and see Levi standing in the doorway to Colton’s room. He’s dressed in jeans and a cotton motocross tee, and he looks exhausted and like the only person I’d trust to hold me up. “How long have you been there?” I ask.

  “Not long,” he says. When he walks into the room, I swear the air turns warmer. Or maybe that’s just me. “How are you feeling?” he asks Colton.

  “Like shit, but at least I won’t be spending the rest of my life in prison for a crime I didn’t commit.”

  “Such a glass half-full guy,” Levi says, trying to smile.

  “Fuck off, Levi.”

  Levi winces. “Can I get you anything?”

  “You can get out of here so I can sleep,” Colton says, not looking at us. My chest aches with guilt. He doesn’t want to see us together.

  “Sleep well,” I tell Colton, squeezing his hand as Levi retreats to the hall.

  Colton tugs me close, but he doesn’t look at me. “The second he treats you like less than a queen, you walk away,” he whispers, eyes still closed. “I know you want to be friends, but it might be a while.” He shrugs. “Who knows, maybe in rehab they’ll teach me how to stop being a selfish prick.”

  My chest is too full. I love this man, and if love were as simple as one thing you feel for one person in one way, we wouldn’t be having this conversation. But it is so much more than that, and in its complexity, so much better. “I’ll be patient.” I lean down and sweep his too-long hair off his face. I press a kiss to his forehead.

  I join Levi in the hall and pull the door closed behind me. When Levi turns to me, his eyes are so sad. Too much like the eyes of the man who came to Dyer to convince me to come home. “Can we talk?”

  I nod. We quietly walk side by side down the hall, and I don’t touch him, even though my instinct is to crawl into his arms. He presses the button for the elevator, and we ride down in silence, heading to the cafeteria for coffee without discussing it.

  He doesn’t talk until we’re seated, steaming cups of weak brew in front of us. “I owe you an apology.”

  Shrugging, I sniff my coffee. It smells like hot water.

  “I never would have turned you away that day in September if I’d realized you were in danger. I thought it was the same old Colton stuff—that he owed money to a bookie or needed help paying his way through rehab again.” He searches my face and shakes his head. “Even if it was those things, I never should have turned my back on you. Because you’re right. If we’re not there to pick up the people we love when they fall down, what is our love worth?”

  “You don’t owe me an explanation.” It hurts too much to meet his eyes when I know what I need to do next, so I study my hands. “You were doing what you thought was right.”

  “But I wasn’t. I was doing what I thought would make you choose me. I wanted you to see that if you stayed with Colton, you’d be saving him over and over again. I wanted you to understand that you’d be free of that if you chose me. I was being selfish then, but selfishness wasn’t why I turned Colton in. He’s like a brother to me, but you need to understand that if I’m ever in a position when I have to choose between your safety and protecting Colton . . .” I lift my head and watch his Adam’s apple bob with his swallow. “I’ll choose you every time. Sunday, it was the wrong choice, but I can’t pretend I wouldn’t do it again if I thought I was protecting you.”

  “Levi . . .” I move to the other side of the table so I’m sitting next to him and press my palm to his cheek. His eyes are different than the eyes of the boy I met at a fundraiser two and a half years ago. These are the eyes of a man who’s been through too much. A man who loved me and watched me walk away from him. A man who would’ve gladly helped me raise Colton’s baby, and who almost lost me to a dirty cop trying to cover his tracks. The boy I met so long ago wouldn’t have called the cops on his best friend, but this man has been through too much not to. “I understand. You did what you thought you had to do.”

  His gaze drops to my mouth. “I want to kiss you right now.”

  “Don’t.” I place two fingers lightly against his lips. “I can’t.”

  He flinches. “Did I lose you so easily?”

  “You deserve better than a girl who’s terrified of being alone. I went from one relationship to another in college, and then I was with Tate, which was its own kind of relationship. As soon as I left that and came to Jackson Harbor, I found Colton and then you . . .” I draw in a long breath and take my hand from his mouth as I stand. “I need to be alone for a while. To figure myself out.”

  “Don’t walk away from me again.” He shakes his head. “Whatever you need to figure out, we can figure out together.”

  I feel my resolve crumbling, so I back up a step. “But then I’d never know if I could do it on my own.”

  “All I’ve done since the day we met is watch you walk away from me.” He searches my face. “What do I have to do to be enough that you want to stay?”

  Tears sting the backs of my eyes. “You are enough. I’m the one that’s not.”

  His jaw twitches, and I can tell he wants to argue. “Do you want me to wait for you?”

  Yes. Please. But I won’t ask that because it’s not fair. “I want you to live your life, and when the time is right . . . if it ever is . . . if you still want to be with me, we’ll take it from there.”

  He bows his head for a long time, and I watch the muscles in his shoulders bunch. When he lifts his head, his eyes are full of anguish, and I think he might push me to change my mind. Instead, he says, “I love you,” and the words are so rough with hurt that I think they might leave a scar on my heart.

  “I love you too.”

  Levi

  Saturday, November 24th

  “Don’t you have anything better to do this weekend than visit an addict?” Colton says as he steps into the dining room to greet me.

  I shake my head. “Nothing comes to mind.”

  He surprises me by pulling me into a tight hug. He’s staying at a small rehab clinic in eastern Wisconsin. He had himself admitted a month ago, shortly after being discharged from the hospital. When I decided to make the drive, I honestly wasn’t sure if he’d talk to me.

  “You look good,” I say when he releases me. He was so thin when I saw him in the hospital, and now his cheeks are filled out again and I can tell he’s been spending his free time in the gym.

  He shrugs. “Apparently not being strung out does wonders for a guy’s complexion.”

  “Are they being good to you here?”

  He nods. “It’s a nice place. Ava and Molly have visited a few times. Mom even made it up once.” He pauses a beat then adds, “And Ellie.”

  My chest feels a little tight at the mention of her name. “That’s good.”

  “I’m coming home next week.”

  My throat goes thick with that news. Colton’s been my best friend my whole life, and even though things haven’t been the same between us in years, I miss him.

  “I hear you’re not doing motocross anymore,” he says. “You took some sort of suit-and-tie job working for Brayden?”

  “Something like that.” I grin, thinking of my new position with the family company. “It’s actually kind of awesome.
They pay me to talk to people about beer and I don’t have to tear up my body on the bike. Less money but fewer bruised ribs. Seems like an okay trade-off.”

  “Sounds like you’ve gone soft.”

  I shrug. “Maybe I was too hard before.”

  “Me too.” He studies me for a beat. “How’s Ellie?”

  “Good, I think.”

  “You think?”

  “You two didn’t talk about me when she visited?” I sound like a teenager digging for information on the girl he likes.

  He grunts. “Nah. I didn’t bring up the asshole who stole my girl. My bad.” I look away, staring out the dining room window at the cold November day and the bare trees that line the complex. Colton punches my shoulder. “I’m just giving you grief. I’m fine about it. Mostly.”

  “It’s not that.” I’d like to celebrate that Colton just said he’s fine with Ellie and I being together, but I can’t because she still hasn’t come back to me. “She wanted some space.”

  “And you gave it to her?” He shakes his head. “Damn. After all this time, I would’ve expected you to fight harder.”

  I look at my shoes. I don’t want to explain myself to Colton, even if that isn’t fair. “I wanted to.” Watching her walk away from me the last time hurt like hell, but it was different than before. This time, I believed she’d come back. She wasn’t saying goodbye forever. She was asking me to let her go so she could find something, and I had to let her, even knowing she already has what she’s looking for. “I love her.”

  “I know,” he says. “You have for a long time, and I . . .” He turns toward the window and folds his arms across his chest. “I think I’ve known you were better for her from the start. I just want her to be happy.” He flashes me a look over his shoulder. “And you too, I guess.”

  I laugh. “Thanks, I think.”

  “Did you have a good Thanksgiving? I’m not gonna lie, I about busted out of here to go get some of Jake’s cooking. The shit they served here . . .” He shakes his head and lowers his voice. “It was a disgrace.”