by Jade West
No Casanova crying under my window at night.
Like he’d ever cared that much.
Keep on keeping on.
The kids rushed ahead as we reached the centre of the village. I had to call them back, tell them to stay at my side. It’ll be busy, I said. I’ll lose you in the crowd!
Mia had whinged that she wanted to find Daisy, but she was still bloody grounded so she could rock on with that idea.
I was alright until Ruby started up.
“Can we go call on Dad? He can come with us, right?”
I couldn’t find the words through the stupid lump in my throat. Tonya came to my rescue.
“Your dad’s probably busy, Ruby. See him another day, yeah?”
“But it’s fireworks night! He always comes to fireworks night!”
“Not today,” I managed. “He’s just busy, Ruby. I’ll drop you at his tomorrow maybe, alright?”
She scowled at me. “This is bullshit,” she said.
I stopped in my tracks and pulled her to face me. “And that’s a garage word, Ruby Trent. We don’t say garage words, do we?”
“I don’t care!” she snapped. “It’s bullshit, Mum. It’s just bullshit. Where’s my dad?! I WANT MY DAD!”
I rubbed my temples. “Stop,” I said. “Please, Ruby, just stop. We’re supposed to be having a nice evening. Sparklers, yes? You want some sparklers and some doughnuts and to see the bonfire, don’t you?”
“I want my dad!” She folded her arms. “Why isn’t he coming round anymore?”
I looked from Ruby to Mia and back again. Mia was quiet as a mouse, hugging herself and chewing on her scarf.
“It’s only been a couple of days,” I said. “He’s been working.”
“He’s always working! It’s never stopped him before!”
I sighed. “Tomorrow,” I said. “I’ll drop you round there tomorrow. Are we going to these fireworks, or do you want to show off and go home to bed?”
It broke my heart to see the tears in her eyes. Her bottom lip trembled, but she nodded.
“Oh, Ruby.” I pulled her in to my side, squeezed her shoulder as we walked along the street.
This was shit. The whole thing was shit.
Tonya took my arm on the other side and held out her hand to Mia. Mia sighed and took it.
I choked down the tears and kept on walking, breathing through the prospect of passing through Darren Trent-ville on our way.
Just had to keep on keeping on.
I didn’t care for banter. Didn’t care for a game of fucking pool, nor darts neither. Didn’t want a fucking bar snack. Didn’t want to go and see the fucking fireworks.
I sat at the bar and drank my beer, grunted at everyone who said hello.
The guys surrounded me as the fireworks were due to start.
“What?” I said. “What’s the fucking problem?”
“You,” Buck said. “You need to get home, get to the fireworks, or loosen the fuck up.”
“Like fuck I do,” I snapped. “Just piss off, all of you.”
“Come on, Trent,” Hugh said. “This isn’t doing any good now, is it? Drinking like this.”
I swigged back some more of my pint. “Feels pretty fucking good from where I’m sitting.”
Except it didn’t. It felt fucking shit.
I heard Jimmy O groan behind me. “Leave the daft shit then. Just because you blew it with your fucking missus, mate, doesn’t mean you have to take it out on the whole fucking village.”
I spun on my stool. “What the fuck did you say?”
Jimmy O had had a few himself, his eyes were bloodshot and he was swaying, full of mouth.
He leaned in. “I said, you’ve blown it with your fucking missus, mate, so get a fucking grip of yourself and stop the fucking moping, yeah?”
“Leave it,” Buck said. “Back off, Jimmy.”
He held up his hands. “Just saying the fucking truth of it. He blew it. Not my fucking fault, is it?”
“Have a bit of respect, Jimmy,” Hugh said. “Christ, man.”
Petey didn’t say a fucking word.
I glared at Jimmy. “Seem fucking pleased about it. Happy are you? Fancy a go on her yourself?”
Buck shook his head. “Leave it, guys,” he said. “Just fucking leave it. This is bullshit.”
Jimmy wouldn’t leave it, and I fucking knew he wouldn’t. He stood tall, put his glass down on the side. “One man’s loss is another man’s fucking gain, Trent. Stop being such a fucking prick about it and have a game of fucking darts, yeah?”
“Your gain, that what you’re fucking saying?” I stood up, slapped my own pint on the bar.
Buck’s hand was on my arm. “Easy, Trent, he’s just fucking drunk.”
Jimmy shrugged, laughed at me. “What if it was? She’s a nice girl, Jodie. I liked the way she felt on my fucking dick.” He stumbled forward a step, held up his fingers. “She’s a good girl, Trent, I’ll give you that. Horny, like. Think she’d take my whole fucking fist if I treated her right.”
“Jimmy!” Buck barked. “Just shut the fuck up, you stupid asshole!”
“Just having a fucking laugh!” he said. “Chill the fuck out.”
I met his eyes, saw the stupid drunk humour there, but it was too late. The rage sprung up from nowhere, burned right the way through my fucking body.
“A whole fucking fist, eh?” I laughed a stupid fake laugh. “How about I give you a whole fucking fist, you fucking cunt?”
He didn’t even see it coming. I cracked my knuckles right into his jaw and he fell like a sack of shit. I stood over him while he scrambled to his feet, ignoring the shouts from Buck and Hugh, ignoring the shouts of the pub landlord, too.
Buck tried to hold me back and Hugh went for Jimmy, but I was too wired, I shoved past both of them and swung again, but Jimmy was ready this time, he landed his fist on my fucking jaw right back and hit fucking hard. I took a step to the side, shook my head, getting my fucking balance back, and then I flew for him again, screaming blue fucking murder.
Arms and hands, and raised voices, too many people to push aside, and I was out in the cold, kicked out on my ear, trying my best to swagger like I didn’t give a fuck. I spat blood onto the pavement and everyone was staring. Loads of fucking people were staring at me.
“What?” I said. “Stare all you fucking want, I don’t give a fucking shit. I don’t give a shit what any of you fuckers think! None of you!”
But I was wrong.
I did fucking care.
Because amongst the crowd stood Jodie, and Tonya too. My girls were at their sides, and they were staring. Staring right at me, at my stupid drunken swagger and my swollen lip. Staring at the fucking state that was their father.
Ruby’s eyes were like plates, her lip trembling.
Mia looked white as a sheet.
And Jodie looked mortified. She gripped Ruby’s hand so tight.
Tonya shook her head at me, and Jodie raised a hand to her open mouth.
She may have looked surprised but she shouldn’t have been, not really. She’d seen this all before.
“Dad!” Ruby called. “Dad, are you alright? What happened, Dad?”
I raised a hand to keep her back. “Stay with your mum,” I said. “I’m fine, Rubes.”
The air was cool, and it sobered me, made me feel queasy rather than fucking drunk.
“But Dad… Dad, you’re bleeding!”
I shook my head. “Stay with your mum, Ruby. I’m alright.”
I turned away and couldn’t look back, couldn’t face it. Couldn’t face seeing their disappointment. Couldn’t face knowing what a fucking wanker I was.
I stumbled across the road to my place, and I could hear Ruby crying, hear Jodie telling her I was fine, just drunk, just being silly after a long day, that’s all.
Silly? It was more than I fucking deserved.
I opened the door to my place and only just made it inside before the tears came.
The poor girl
s. I hugged Ruby tight and forced a smile.
“He’s alright,” I said. “He’s just had a few too many pints, that’s all.”
“He was bleeding!” she cried.
“He probably stumbled into the door, beer makes you silly like that.”
“He was drunk,” Mia said. “Really drunk.”
“He wasn’t really drunk,” I lied. “He’d just had a few, he’s probably skipped dinner like a silly fool.”
“Whatever, Mum,” she said. “He was wrecked.”
I was figuring out what to say next when Buck arrived on the scene. I groaned inside, willed him not to say anything that would make things worse. He didn’t.
“Can I have a word, Jo?” he said. “In private, like.”
I looked at Tonya. “I’ll get the girls a Coke,” she said.
I nodded.
She rallied the girls and took them off towards the Drum. I sighed once they were out of earshot.
“What the hell happened, Buck?”
He shrugged. “Guess you saw enough for yourself. Jimmy was being a prick, Trent thumped him one, took one back. Not much more to it than that.”
“Sounds about right.”
“Nothing’s about right, Jo, not with Trent at the minute.”
I didn’t know what to say, so I said nothing, just waited for him to carry on.
“Lorraine set him up,” he said. “He wasn’t supposed to be there, had no intention of being there, only she told him you were going, you and Tonya. Told him you were after another fucking gangbang.”
I stared at him. “As if I’d go behind his back for another bloody orgy, Buck. For God’s sake!”
“I know that, Jo, and you know that, but she’s been whispering in his ear for fucking ages, telling him you think you’re too good for him, telling him you’re after other people, that he’s just a bit of rough, a bit of fun.”
Betrayal stabbed me all over again. “She really said that?”
He nodded. “Oh yeah, and a whole lot fucking worse, too. The woman’s fucking poison.”
I’d be damned if I was crying over that nasty cow. I choked back my upset. “I thought she was my friend.”
“Yeah, well, she wasn’t. She fooled a lot of people, Trent included.”
“He’s been seeing her a long time, hasn’t he?”
He laughed, but it wasn’t malicious. “Seeing her? Wouldn’t call it that. She paid good money, he did what he had to. She was just a client, Jo, she didn’t mean shit to him.”
The thought made me feel sick. “See, that’s the thing, Buck. I thought I could handle this shit, but I can’t. I just can’t. I can’t cope with knowing he’s off fucking half the village, people I know, people I see every day. I wanted to think it was alright, that it meant nothing, just another job, but it isn’t alright. It’s just not.”
His eyes were wide. “You think he’s fucking half the village?”
“Isn’t he?” I scoffed. “I’m a big girl, Buck, I can take it.”
“No,” he said. “He’s fucking not. He bailed out of Bang Gang, gave me the diary and called it quits. He’s done, Jo. Has been for fucking weeks now. Ever since you turned back up on the scene.”
My stomach lurched, turned right over. I felt the blood drain from my face. “You what?”
“I can’t believe he didn’t tell you this, dumb fucking idiot. He hasn’t fucked anyone, Jo, not since… you know. Not since you and him…”
“Nobody? Not even for money? What about the blonde in the Porsche?”
He shook his head. “Nobody, especially not the blonde in the fucking Porsche, and believe me, they’ve offered, plenty good enough cash as well.”
I felt unsteady, a bit lightheaded. “But why… why didn’t he say anything?”
“Because he’s Darren fucking Trent, I guess. He’s a fucking fool like that, Jo, you know he is.”
I did know. I knew it all too well.
“Jesus, Buck. I don’t even…”
He sighed, squeezed my shoulder. “Go after him. I know he’s a prize fucking tit, and he’s brought this crap on himself, but seriously, if you want him then go after him. He’s falling apart, Jo, breaking his fucking heart.”
“He said that?”
“He doesn’t need to say it, it’s written all over him.”
I was shaking all over again. “I didn’t think he gave a shit.”
“Yeah, well, he ain’t fucking helped himself in that, has he?”
“But Lorraine… and her lies…”
“That bitch hasn’t done either of you any favours, that’s for sure.” He smiled at me. “He fucking loves you, Jo, always has. Loves those girls, too.”
I looked across the road, the lights were on upstairs.
“Go,” he said. “He’ll only be moping up there.”
I took a breath, squeezed his hand. “Thanks,” I said. “At least someone told me what the hell was going on.”
“Tell him he can buy me a pint when he pulls his head out of his fucking ass.”
I smiled. “I’ll let him know.”
My legs were wobbly as I climbed the steps up to Darren’s place. I thought about knocking then decided against it, tried the door on the off chance. It was open.
The place stank of beer and cigarettes, the hallway dark. I fumbled around for the light switch, flicked it on.
“Darren?”
He came from the bathroom, his face dripping. He pulled a towel from the hook, wiped himself down. His lip was swollen, cut. His t-shirt was splattered with blood.
“Come to have a go at me?” he said. “Don’t bother, I know I was a fucking prick.”
He threw the towel aside and walked into the kitchen. I followed him, kept my distance.
“Are you going to tell me what happened?”
He shrugged. “Punched Jimmy O, he punched me back.” He pointed to the kettle. “You want a cuppa?”
I shook my head. “Lorraine lied about me, I know that now.”
“Lorraine fucking lied about a lot, Jodie.”
“I wasn’t there for an orgy, Darren, I can’t believe you seriously thought I was.”
“She said you were going to her sex party. I asked you if you were going to her sex party. You said yes.”
“I was going to a girls’ night! I was going to buy some stupid sex toys!”
“I know that now,” he said. “Christ, Jo, she spouts some lies. I can’t believe I was such a gullible fucking prick.”
“Yeah, well, I guess that makes two of us.”
He flicked the kettle on anyway, grabbed a couple of mugs from the drainer.
He stared right at me and it burned. “It wasn’t how it looked. I wasn’t there for that.”
“It looked bad, Darren. It looked really fucking bad.”
“I know how it looked, Jodie, but that’s not… I wasn’t about to fuck anyone. It was a pissing ambush.”
“You never said you’d given it up, I never expected you had. It’s just… Lorraine. She’s my boss. Was my boss. Was my friend, too. How do you think that makes me feel?”
“I haven’t been anywhere near Lorraine in months. Must’ve made her fucking crazy, like. Scheming fucking bitch.”
He made me a tea and I took it. We stood drinking in the kitchen like this was normal.
“How long were you seeing her?” I didn’t know why I was asking, since I already knew. I guess I just needed to hear it. Needed to hear a lot of things.
He shrugged. “Couple of years. She signed us up for the calendar, for some kids’ charity she’s on the board for. Came to me after, said she wanted a bit extra.”
My heart was racing. “That was Lorraine?! She was your first client?”
“Yeah, the only client for fucking ages, too.”
I thought back three years, to me still crying on her shoulder over Darren’s engagement to Stacey. To the way she’d pushed me to online dating, told me to get over it once and for all.
He sighed. “You were getting wit
h Brian. I’d just done the pissing calendar. The money sounded good.”
“And it just went on and on? You didn’t… fall for her…”
He pulled a face. “Hell no.”
I nodded. “Alright. So she’s a crazy twisted bitch. We know that now.”
His eyes met mine. “I’m sorry, Jo. I fucked up. Should’ve said some things.”
“We both fucked up, Darren. I should’ve said some things, too. I should’ve been firmer about this Bang Gang stuff, should have pushed to find out where we stood. I should’ve asked who you were fucking, should have found out what was going on.”
He put his mug on the side. “No, Jo. I should’ve told you where we stood on the Bang Gang stuff, it was my gig.”
A stupid rush of emotion bubbled up, I struggled to choke it back down. “Why didn’t you? Why didn’t you say anything?”
He didn’t flinch. “Scared of being a fucking fool. Lorraine told me you weren’t interested, said you were after an orgy and nothing else. She said you were chasing something better, someone better.”
“And you believed her?!”
“Guess I half believed it myself and she put the nail in the coffin.”
I sighed. “But why?! Why would you think that?”
“Because I’m no Brian, Jo. I’m just a bit of fucking rough, aren’t I? I don’t like fucking opera and strolls in the sunshine. I don’t talk all posh like he did.”
I shook my head. “Not this again! Jesus! I didn’t even love Brian, Darren! I met Brian because I needed to move on, because you were engaged! Because I couldn’t live my whole life alone while you married someone else!”
“I’d never have married someone else!” he snapped.
“You have a funny fucking way of showing it!” I snapped back.
“And here we are, back here again,” he groaned. “Round and round in fucking circles.”
“Seems that way.”
I sipped my tea and felt sick. I willed it to ease off.
He touched his lip and it bled again.
“You need to clean that up,” I said.
“Already done it.”
I sighed. “Properly. Do you have any antiseptic cream?”
