The Regal Rules for Girls

by Jerramy Fine

  If you want to sip some wine, use your napkin, finish telling a very long story, or take a break of any kind, you must place the knife and fork in the resting position. (See illustration below.)

  If your food does not require a knife (salad, cake, etc), it’s okay to have the fork in your right hand, prongs facing up.

  Your soup spoon is held in your right hand. Soup should be scooped up by tilting the spoon away from you, and to reach the last drops, the bowl should be tilted away from you.

  When you have finished eating, place your cutlery side by side, with handles facing five or six o’clock. (See illustration.)

  I used to tell myself that it really didn’t matter which fork I used for which course as long as I made an effort to make the people I spoke to at dinner feel valued. But I soon learned that this is nothing but American silliness. In reality, if the Brits see you do something incorrectly, they wouldn’t dream of saying anything (they are, after all, the “very pineapple of politeness”5, but rest assured they will make a quiet mental note against your character. So please, please, pay attention to the following:

  Left: resting position

  Right: finished position

  PLACE SETTINGS:

  Place your napkin in your lap as soon as you sit down.

  When faced with a dazzling array of cutlery, the golden rule is start on the outside and work your way in.

  If you’re nervous and can’t remember which fork to use, wait to see what others do first.

  Your bread plate is on your left. Your wine and water glasses are on your right.

  Put butter onto your bread plate—never directly onto the bread. Break off a small chunk of bread and butter each chunk separately as you eat. (Never slice the bread in half and butter the entire slice.)

  If you must leave the table in the middle of the meal, leave your napkin on your chair.

  At the end of the meal, leave your napkin scrunched (never folded) on the table.

  DINING DOS AND DON’TS:

  DO sit up straight.

  DO close the menu once you’ve decided.

  DO wait for everyone at the table to be served before eating. Even if the hostess says, “Please begin”—it’s good manners to wait. (If you are seated at a large banquet, it’s fine to begin eating once guests on either side of you have their food.)

  DO learn to eat pizza, burgers, and French fries with a knife and fork. (I’m serious. The Brits actually do this.)

  DO fill others’ glasses before filling your own.

  DO pass the salt and pepper together.

  DO ask for a fork if you can’t use chopsticks.

  DON’T express distaste for the food if others are enjoying it.

  DON’T order something if it’s messy or you’re not sure how to eat it (fish with bones, spaghetti, etc).

  DON’T pick up a canapé unless you can consume it in a single mouthful.

  DON’T touch up your lipstick or powder your nose at the table.

  DON’T leave your evening bag or phone on the table (though DO switch your phone to silent).

  DON’T ask for a “doggie bag”—taking leftovers home just doesn’t happen.

  Afternoon Tea

  You must not refuse cups of teas under the following circumstances: if the weather is hot; if the weather is cold; if you are tired; if anybody thinks you are tired; before you go out; if you are out; if you have just returned home; if you feel like it; if you don’t feel like it; if you have not had tea for some time; if you have just had a cup.

  —GEORGE MIKES

  In England, tea has endless magical qualities and is genuinely believed to solve everything. Your boyfriend breaks up with you? Tea. Come down with the flu? Tea. Terrorist attack on the London Underground? Tea. (Americans go to red alert, the Brits put the kettle on.) When in doubt, put the kettle on.

  When I first began working in London, it was the middle of a rare heat wave and I was eternally puzzled that my new British coworkers would offer me a cup of tea every single afternoon even if it was eighty degrees outside. (When I brought in a box of Popsicles6 to share, everyone looked at me like I was nuts.)

  During a vacation to Antigua, where it was nearly a hundred degrees outside, I watched in amazement as all the Brits promptly left the blazing sun of the beach at 4 p.m. to go inside and enjoy a scalding cup of tea.

  While I believe tea will warm you if you are cold, I have yet to convert to the English belief that tea will cool you if you are hot, cheer you if you are depressed, or calm you if you are nervous. (In the UK, tea seemingly has the miraculous ability to be both a sedative and a stimulant.) Yet when I stopped viewing tea as just a drink and started seeing it as it really is—a pastime—I began to enjoy it immensely.

  Still, I’ll never forget when one of my cute British flatmates told me that I made the worst cup of tea he’d ever tasted. I was flabbergasted at this insult. I mean really, tea is tea—right? Apparently not. All Americans know that it’s perfectly possible to have a bad cup of coffee, and likewise, if you don’t know what you’re doing, it’s quite easy to make a bad cup of tea. So practice your technique—because if there is one way to a cute British guy’s heart, it is the perfect cup of tea.

  RULES FOR AFTERNOON TEA:

  Always say “afternoon tea,” NOT “high tea.” High tea is a working-class evening meal.

  Always use a teapot filled with brewed tea rather than individual tea bags.

  When pouring tea, the spout faces the pourer.

  Unless you are using antique bone china that might shatter at the splash of hot liquid, tea is poured before adding milk. This also allows you to judge the tea’s strength.

  The working classes tend to drink strong tea with lots of milk and even more sugar (this is often referred to as “builder’s tea”), but I advise you to learn to love the upper-class version, which is weak, unsweetened Earl Grey with a dash of milk.

  No lemon. No honey. These are purely American accoutrements and will not be found on tea trays anywhere in England.

  If you must have sugar, anything more than half a spoonful will be deemed suspect.

  When stirring your tea, do not clank the sides or swirl the tea around. Instead, stir the tea gently in a twelve-o’clock-to-six-o’clock motion.

  When finished, place the spoon on your saucer, never on the table, and never leave it in your cup. (I actually received a letter of complaint from an Englishwoman who was appalled at the illustration on the hardcover of my memoir, which depicts the ghastly crime of a spoon sitting in a teacup and not on the saucer where it belonged.)

  If seated at a table, lift the tea cup from its saucer. If standing or sitting on a sofa, hold the saucer as well as the cup.

  Teacups are not coffee mugs, so do not cradle them with both hands. Instead, hold the handle with your fingers and thumb.

  Try not to lift your little finger, but if you must do this to balance the weight of the cup, then it is perfectly acceptable to do so.

  Sip tea gently. Do not slurp.

  Finger sandwiches are meant to be consumed with your fingers.

  Scones should be sliced in half horizontally and then topped with jam and clotted cream.

  When you pronounce “scone” it should rhyme with John, NOT with “bone.”

  Clotted cream is like a cross between butter and ice cream—sweet, thick, and dreamy. There is a regional debate over whether cream or jam is spread first on a scone (in Devon, they believe cream comes first; in Cornwall, they believe jam comes first). As an American, this is one case where you can do what you like.

  Scones are not donuts. Please don’t dunk them in your tea.

  BEST AFTERNOON TEAS IN LONDON:

  I highly recommend that you discover this decadent and delicious English pastime for yourself. My favorite afternoon teas are listed below:

  The Orangery at Kensington Palace

  Set beside Kensington Palace, and along the meticulously manicured Kensington Gardens, this is a refreshingly affordable teah
ouse for girls seeking royal refuge and refueling. The Orangery itself, designed for Queen Anne in the eighteenth century, is a glass building with magnificent Corinthian columns. Tea is served à la carte (which is great for those days when you’re not in the mood for sandwiches and scones and cake). That said, piles of scones and a wide assortment of traditional cakes are tiered on a grand central table, so you can peruse your options before ordering. In the summer you can sit out on the terrace and ponder the regal view. The Orangery does not take reservations, but it’s worth the wait. www.hrp.org.uk/kensingtonpalace/Foodanddrink/Orangery.aspx

  The Soho Hotel

  Another reasonably priced tea option, this hotel is one of the most glamorous destinations in the bustling heart of London. Afternoon tea can be taken in the hotel’s sumptuous Drawing Room or in the Library—both overflowing with plump cushions, velvet sofas, and to-die-for drapes. I held my London “hen” party here (that’s what they call bachelorette parties), and it was the perfect place for ten girls dressed in mandatory pearls and twinsets (I couldn’t have dreamed of a better dress code) to scoff pink champagne, lemon drizzle cake, and strawberry tarts before heading to the Roller Disco à la Kate Middleton.7 Call ahead to reserve. www.firmdale.com/london/the-soho-hotel/afternoon-tea

  Claridge’s

  When Claridge’s first opened back in 1812, it quickly gained a worldwide reputation among aristocracy as the only place to stay when one was visiting the British capital. During the aftermath of World War I, many aristocrats were forced to sell their splendid London houses and move into Claridge’s on a permanent basis. (Believe it or not, without the expense of maintaining a large household staff, to many, this arrangement was actually cheaper.) And during World War II, when many of Europe’s royal families were dramatically exiled from their countries and palaces, once again dozens of noble families sought permanent refuge at this luxurious five-star hotel. So, basically, if you’re of royal blood and have nowhere to go—Claridge’s is the place for you. (In retrospect, instead of enduring the trauma of my English dorm for a single minute, I should have headed straight to Claridge’s and announced that I was a victim of royal exile.) There is a famous saying that goes, “To arrive at Claridge’s is to have arrived.” And when you walk through the opulent, art deco lobby of this historic hotel, you’ll know why. Afternoon tea is pricey, but it is “all you can eat” so feel free to ask for extra trays of scones. Reservations are essential. www.claridges.co.uk/

  Thank-You Notes

  Handwritten letters are a dying art, and England is one of the last bastions where the art of correspondence still thrives. After all, it wasn’t that long ago that mail was delivered regularly four times a day and Londoners thought nothing of posting a letter in the morning for a friend to read at lunchtime! The Royal Mail really is one of the glories of the nation. You can walk into a UK drugstore (or “chemist”) and ask for a popular brand of shampoo and be told sorry it’s on order and will take ten days; dry cleaning can take anything from three weeks to three years—but first class letters always miraculously arrive within twenty-four hours of posting.

  Yes, sending an email is easier. But because we are living in a world where even our parents are on Facebook, handwritten correspondence is more important (and more meaningful) than ever before. Princess Diana was known for sending thank-you notes for even the smallest of deeds and doing it almost immediately. It can’t hurt to emulate this royal icon for a variety of reasons (fashion and philanthropy at the forefront), but getting into her habit of writing thank-you notes is a good place to start. It takes no time at all (you can start and finish a note while your tea is brewing), and even less if you have the proper writing equipment.

  Invest in a box of luxury, watermarked stationery (Crane and Smythson are my favorites); if you can afford to, get it personalized with your address (but never your name).

  www.crane.com

  www.smythson.com

  Remember that you must always say “writing paper,” never “notepaper.”

  Use a nice, pretty pen (anything that is not a leaky ballpoint will do).

  Write your thank-you note as soon as possible after receiving the gift/hospitality.

  Your note should be personal, sincere, warm, witty, and to the point.

  Thank-you notes should not sound overly formal; instead write as if you’re speaking to the recipient.

  Place a first class stamp of the Queen in the corner of the envelope, and walk it to the nearest red postbox. (If done correctly, you’ll feel like a character in a Jane Austen novel.)

  Kissing Confusion

  It was my junior year in college when I first arrived on British shores. After being housed in a giant flat with nine other American girls, I was desperate to make it through the mandatory “cultural assimilation” week that my university had organized. I couldn’t wait to escape the lectures on which way to look when crossing the street and start my full-time internship at the Houses of Parliament.

  It was during this time that I met an English boy my age named Rupert. Rupert sat at the desk across from me, brought me cups of tea (whether I wanted them or not), and teased me endlessly about my royal obsession. One night we went out drinking with the other parliamentary interns, and afterward Rupert walked me to the tube station like a true gentlemen. As we said good-bye, he leaned in and kissed me on both cheeks. I was utterly confused. Did he like me? Did he “like me” like me? And if not, why the kisses?

  Then Rupert introduced me to his friends (those Bright Young Things that I was telling about), and I realized that everyone in England kissed everyone on both cheeks when they said hello and good-bye—and that romance had nothing to do with any of it. Girls cheek-kissed their girlfriends; girls cheek-kissed their guy friends; guys cheek-kissed their girlfriends—the only time hands were shaken was when guys greeted other guys. Although this pervasive cheek-kissing movement originated in continental Europe, it is now common practice in the UK. So here’s what you need to know:

  RULES FOR CHEEK-KISSING:

  Do not cheek-kiss anyone you’ve just met; a handshake will suffice. (Though you may find that a cheek-kiss seems more natural when you say good-bye.)

  Do not cheek-kiss anyone that you work with in a professional context. (Rupert and I were more drinking buddies than professional colleagues, which is why it worked in this instance.)

  Do not attempt to cheek-kiss anyone who is wearing a wide-brimmed hat (or if you are wearing a wide-brimmed hat).

  Put an arm lightly around the other person’s shoulder and lean in slightly. Usually the right cheek gets kissed first, but this changes depending on the person (and their nationality).

  Air kisses are fine, but there should be no sound effects.

  If you need to say good-bye to a large group, there is no need to cheek-kiss every single one of them (waving or blowing a kiss to the group is more appropriate).

  Hugs are rare in the UK for anyone other than close family, so try to restrain your American tendencies.

  RECOMMENDED READING:

  Debrett’s Etiquette for Girls

  The one and only British authority on all matters of modern etiquette, taste, and achievement. This fantastic guide is full of great advice including tips for entertaining at home and getting ahead at work.

  1 See “Formal Balls,” page 152.

  2 For example, in England you must say chicken fil-ET, NOT chicken fi-LAY as the French word requires.

  3 Vile Bodies by Evelyn Waugh is a must, must read (and was later adapted for the 2003 film Bright Young Things). They are both too, too divine.

  4 Tatler is a glossy UK magazine depicting the glamorous lives and lifestyles of the upper class. Get yourself a subscription asap.

  5 This line is attributed to London playwright R. B. Sheridan—and I think it’s one of the best sayings ever.

  6 aka “ice lollies.”

  7 Kate famously attended a 1980s-themed roller-skating disco in aid of Oxford’s Children Hospital.

  THR
EE

  LONDON STYLE

  If you consider that when you are far away from home and surrounded by strangers, you are judged entirely on the strength of your external appearance, perhaps you will realize the importance of being flawlessly well-dressed wherever you travel.

  —GENEVIEVE ANTOINE DARIAUX

  Let’s face it: Nothing screams American more than sneakers and baseball caps. As we all know, there’s absolutely nothing wrong with being American—but drawing attention to the more negative American stereotypes is not going to help your cause.

  When I first moved to London, I couldn’t believe how much women seemed to dress up just to go grocery shopping on a Saturday afternoon. What I didn’t quite comprehend was that these women were not dressed up, they just don’t dress down. European cities have much stricter sartorial standards than American cities. You can’t come to London and dress as if you are lounging about in your LA apartment—it just doesn’t work like that.

  Sitting on the tube, I can always tell who the tourists are because they dress for a day in London as if they are going on a hiking expedition through the Rocky Mountains—sneakers, fanny packs, baseball caps, windbreakers, etc. Half the time I’m surprised they don’t have walking sticks. These people just don’t seem to comprehend the concept of “city attire.”

  In London, you don’t step from your home to your car and from your car to your destination. Living in London means taking public transportation and walking around on real streets. It means fantastic people watching, but it also means understanding that those same people are watching you!

  This doesn’t mean you have to buy a whole new wardrobe or start dressing like a catwalk model in order to survive in England’s capital city. Far from it. All it means is that you need to think twice before leaving your flat.

  HOW TO DRESS FOR LONDON LIVING:

  Ignore fashion trends and stick with the classics. (Skinny jeans belong on Kate Moss—not Kate Middleton.)

  Learn to love cashmere and tweed.