The Regal Rules for Girls

by Jerramy Fine

  However, on the streets of London, girls like these are few and far between; everyone else you encounter looks like Kate Moss or Amy Winehouse the morning after. Meaning, everyone else needs to wash their hair, clean their nails, shave their legs, and not be so heavy-handed with their eye makeup. And for the love of god, please don’t wear chipped toenail polish in public.

  The Duchess of Windsor (formerly Wallis Simpson) with her husband, Prince Edward, the Duke of Windsor, on their wedding day.

  Wallis Simpson, an American socialite, was hardly known for her beauty, yet she was always immaculately groomed. What happened to her? She married the heir to the British throne.

  The lesson? American grooming makes you luminous. Use it to your advantage. (And just so you know, if Prince Harry falls for an American girl, there is absolutely nothing in the law that says he has to abdicate.)

  For more on Wallis Simpson and her royal love affair see “Royal FAQ’s,” p. 108 and “Your Crush is Nothing New,” p. 118

  This is where you will shine as an American. Without even trying, your daily beauty habits will already be eons ahead of most of your London counterparts. And for this reason, you will get noticed by Londoners of the opposite sex. When faced with your perfect yet subtle manicure, faultless blow-dry, and flawlessly applied natural makeup, they just can’t help themselves.

  American girls are livelier, better educated… not as squeamish as their English sisters… and better able to take care of themselves.

  —THEPRINCE OF WALES, 1930

  Beauty Basics

  When it comes to makeup, always strive for a classic, understated look. The real key to makeup is that it shouldn’t look like you’re wearing makeup—it just looks like you (only slightly better).

  Understand the shape of your face. The way you apply eye shadow and blush may not work for me because our cheekbones and brow bones are shaped differently. So just because you like your friend’s makeup doesn’t mean it’s the right makeup technique for you.

  See a professional. I went to a MAC makeup counter when I was sixteen years old, and although I don’t use all of their products (I’m still a fan of Maybelline!), nearly twenty years later I still use many of the same application techniques that I learned that day. So choose a cosmetic counter and book an appointment. Tell the makeup artist that you want a natural, understated daytime look. If you’re not happy with the result, go somewhere else until you are.

  Take care of your skin. Even if you stay out till three in the morning clubbing the night away with Prince Harry—make sure you cleanse, tone, and moisturize before falling into bed.

  Embrace the power of concealer. There is no point slaving away with foundation, blush, and eye makeup if those tiny imperfections are still on display. So cover up those dark circles and tiny red spots before you do anything else. I also use concealer to cover up the annoying redness in the creases of my nose and across the entire surface of my eyelids.

  Always apply makeup in natural light. (Because badly applied makeup is a great deal worse than no makeup.)

  Take care of your eyes. I use eye cream at bedtime and eye gel first thing in the morning. Always use your ring finger (because it’s the weakest) when applying anything under your eyes and always use outward motions to avoid causing wrinkles.

  Even your skin tone. Unless you have super dry skin, use a powder-based (not liquid) foundation to avoid greasiness. I love MAC’s Studio Fix.

  Achieve English rosiness with the perfect powder blush—make sure it matches your skin tone perfectly or it can look dirty. Apply blush to the apple of your cheek—where the sun would naturally hit.

  Long to look like Diana? Don’t attempt to create doleful princess eyes by wearing lots of 1980s blue eyeliner. And while we all love Kate Middleton, many experts agree that her thick eyeliner is a bit heavy-handed. For a look that is soft yet defined, try lining your eyes with dark brown shadow instead of heavy liquid and apply it with a small angled brush (MAC #263). Also try shadow to color your brows instead of greasy pencils.

  Forget what all the magazines say about “this season’s” eye shadow colors—the only colors that belong on your face should be muted and natural (think gray, brown, beige, apricot, cream). Unless we’re talking about your actual, God-given irises, stay away from blue, green, and purple.

  Expensive doesn’t always mean better. I use mascara from Max Factor and instead of lip gloss, I use Vaseline! Once you’ve found something that works for you, stay loyal. There is no point in spending money on dozens of dazzling new products that you’ll probably never use more than once. (Besides, your bathroom cabinet in London won’t be big enough to hold them.)

  Beware of shine! Especially in a damp, humid city like London. Carry blotting papers or find a good translucent powder that doesn’t build up with each application. I’m a lifelong devotee to Maybelline’s Shine Free Oil Control Pressed Powder (a bargain at $7.99!).

  Top Travel Tip: Always pack your makeup in your carry-on bag. If your luggage gets lost, and you’re forced to borrow your friend’s clothes for forty-eight hours (or worse, keep wearing the clothes that you flew in), at least you know that your face will still look normal. There is nothing more awful than borrowing cosmetics that don’t match your skin tone or frantically scouring drugstores in another country for beauty brands that they probably don’t sell. (Alas, Sephora has not yet made it to England.)

  As we all know, true beauty comes from the soul—and will shine through with or without perfectly applied makeup; it comes from your smile, your laugh, and your kindness toward others.

  Getting Your Head Around Hats and Fascinators

  Where did you get that hat?

  —PRINCE PHILIP TO QUEEN ELIZABETH II AFTER HER CORONATION, 1953

  I’ll never forget my very first hat purchase. I was twenty-three years old and it was for, not surprisingly, my very first visit to Royal Ascot. I just kept thinking of the Ascot lyrics from My Fair Lady that went, “Every duke and earl and peer is here. Everyone who should be here is here…” and I was more determined than ever to get the look right. In the beginning, I headed straight to Selfridges (Princess Diana’s favorite department store), which is famous for its hat department. It was pure heaven. Your posture improves, your cheekbones are framed…I mean, it really is amazing what a flying saucer–shaped brim or a bit of netting draped over your eyes can do for a girl. However, my hair is naturally quite big, so I needed to opt for something simple. (Only girls with straight hair can pull off elaborate millinery.)

  Still, I nearly hyperventilated when I discovered that every hat I liked cost nearly $1,000. So the next day, after work, I headed to (you guessed it) John Lewis. Their hat department proved to be just as large as Selfridges’s, except everything was under $100. I chose a classic straw hat in a neutral peach, with a large beige twist at the front (which I knew would perfectly match my champagne silk Ann Taylor suit) and headed home, proud to be holding my very first hatbox.

  The problem was that two of my British girlfriends called me right as I was leaving the store and told me to meet them for drinks at a Mayfair bar only three streets away. I was hardly going to let a giant hexagonal hatbox keep me from my cocktails, so off I went, and one drink led to another that led to another, and before I knew what was happening we let a group of cute English boys take us to a nightclub.

  If you’ve never drunkenly pleaded with a coat check attendant at 3 a.m. on a Tuesday night to please let you have your hat even though you lost your ticket, because it’s Ascot Ladies Day tomorrow—then you clearly haven’t lived.

  (Not in London anyway.)

  HATS…

  Are for English races and English weddings. Nothing else.

  Should be classy and fabulous, but should not hide or overpower your face. (A good rule of thumb is that the brim should not extend beyond your shoulder line.)

  Should be worn at home first; experiment with various angles until you get it right. (Historically, a lady wore her hat tipped to th
e right side of her head so that her face was visible to gentleman friends clutching her left arm as they escorted her.)

  Should be worn with confidence and nonchalance; if you feel awkward or uncomfortable, choose something smaller and more subtle, like a fascinator.

  Should complement your dress and vice versa; if you’re wearing a bold dress, opt for a more discreet headpiece. Likewise, a dazzling fascinator works better with a simple dress.

  Should be fastened securely on your head. You want to spend the day sipping champagne, not clutching your headpiece. When in doubt, buy some bobby pins (or “hairgrips” as they’re called in the UK).

  Should not be too theatrical. Not everyone can be Lady Gaga. And that’s a good thing. (I think it’s fair to say that Princess Beatrice learned that lesson for us all.)

  Can be expensive. If you can’t afford to buy one, rent one! There are several hat hire shops in London. My favorite is Hectic Hat Hire in Fulham, www.hectichathire.co.uk.

  It’s my wedding day. I’m standing near the doors of the tiny London chapel in my giant white satin gown, awaiting the musical cue for my dad to escort me down the aisle. I can’t see them yet, but I know the chapel is filled with one hundred of our closest friends and family—half of them American, half of them British. The aisle is lined with bay trees (a decorative touch later borrowed by William and Kate). My five bridesmaids, dressed in gold damask, slowly begin the procession ahead of me. The last one in line turns to me, and right before she walks down the aisle, she says, “Jerramy, just so you know—there are lots of girls in there with birds on their heads!”

  What my dearest American bridesmaid didn’t know is that those birds were actually fetching British headpieces known as fascinators. Fascinators are feathery little head ornaments, held in place with a comb, pin, or band, that are becoming more and more popular with young British women who want to avoid feeling like Lady Bracknell4 in large, wide-brimmed headwear. Because I’m so short and tend to look like a mushroom in wide-brimmed hats, I am also a huge fan of the fascinator. As is, increasingly so, the Duchess of Cambridge. Despite their frivolous appearance, this relatively recent millinery trend shows no signs of abating.

  FASCINATORS…

  Should be worn on the side of your head; never in the center. When netting is involved, it’s okay to let it drape seductively over one eye.

  Work well with wavy hair, tumbling curls, or an elegant up-do. Experiment to see which angle will best complement your features and your outfit.

  Should remain on your head throughout the day and night, regardless of where you are—be it a church, formal dining room, or dance floor.

  Can easily veer from classy and decorative to flamboyant and inappropriate, so ask a friend to make sure you look like you’re going to a wedding and not a Brazilian Carnival.

  Wedding Guest Chic

  Charles (played by Hugh Grant): How do you do—my name is Charles.

  Old man: Don’t be ridiculous, Charles died twenty years ago!

  Charles: Must be a different Charles, I think.

  Old man: Are you telling me I don’t know my own brother?

  —FROM THE FILM FOUR WEDDINGS AND A FUNERAL (1994)

  Four Weddings and a Funeral is not just a terrific Hugh Grant movie—when it comes to understanding the wacky and wonderful occasion that is a British wedding, it’s practically a documentary. While US weddings are incredibly diverse, British weddings tend to follow a very predictable format:

  There is no rehearsal dinner whatsoever, but the bachelor/bachelorette parties (“stag” and “hen” weekends, respectively) usually require at least two nights away in a foreign country.

  The ceremony takes place in the bride’s village church and involves several tuneless hymns that only the privately educated Brits know the words to.5

  The reception is held in a marquee in the backyard of the bride’s parents.

  You have champagne and canapés for one hour and then you begin a three-course sit-down dinner which is weirdly called the “wedding breakfast.”

  You are rarely seated next to your date or your spouse, yet you are always seated boy-girl-boy-girl.

  You talk to the guy on your right (and no one else) for the entire first course; when the main course arrives, you can begin talking to the person on your left (and no one else). When the dessert arrives, you can talk to anyone at the table.

  After all three courses have been served and consumed, the speeches begin. Speeches are considered way, way more important in Britain than they are in America—people make serious bets over both their content and their length.

  There are always three speeches and they are always in the same order: the father of the bride, the best man, and then the groom (as if he doesn’t have enough going on that day). The British guests at my wedding nearly hyperventilated when two of my bridesmaids got up to speak.6 (Women giving speeches? That’s crazy!)

  It is not uncommon for each speech to last well over thirty minutes. Please take note that you are still sitting at a table full of strangers, you’ve been sitting at this table for nearly three hours already, and you have absolutely nothing to do but continue sitting there until the speeches are over and the wedding cake is served, so most people think that to pass the time they might as well get drunk.

  Yes, cake is served after, and in addition to, dessert—and it’s always brandy-soaked fruit cake with a two-inch layer of marzipan icing.

  English wedding cake is soaked in so much alcohol that it has what appears to be an infinite shelf life. It’s very common for British couples to serve actual pieces of their wedding cake at their first child’s christening. That’s how long this scary cake can last.

  Finally, around 1 a.m., the dancing begins, by which point everyone is either (a) asleep on the table or (b) too drunk to stand up.

  All British weddings follow this exact same formula. Because any “personalized” touches are considered to be distastefully inappropriate and/or a nouveau break with tradition, all UK weddings become virtually indistinguishable. So when the gorgeous Hugh Grant shows up late to the church, slides into the pew at the last minute, and mumbles, “Who is it today?”—you really can’t blame him.

  Replying to Wedding Invitations

  British wedding invitations do not come with RSVP cards. Your response must be handwritten on nice (preferably headed) stationery in the third person, using the standard, traditional wording of a formal reply.

  For example:

  Miss Annabel Swan [that’s you] would like to thank Mr. and Mrs. Blueblood for the kind invitation to the marriage of their daughter, Penelope, to Mr. Hugh Grant at St. Paul’s Cathedral on Saturday 29th July, 2012, at 3 o’clock, and afterwards at Claridge’s Hotel, and is delighted to accept/regrets that she is unable to attend.

  You do not sign your name, there is no salutation, and the date is written at the bottom left of the page. The envelope is traditionally addressed to the bride’s mother or to the host(s) whose name is on the invitation.

  The Dress Code

  Describing the dress code for a British wedding is difficult. They are not black-tie optional affairs, so the slinky evening cocktail dresses that you wear to weddings in America usually don’t work. (In fact, the Brits think it’s ridiculous that Americans wear tuxedos and evening dresses to church weddings.) Instead, think of a British wedding as going to a very formal church garden party—which is essentially what it is…

  Traditionally, wedding attire for men is “morning dress.” For the longest time I thought this was “mourning dress” and found the idea rather depressing, until I found out that “morning” actually refers to the time of day that the suit is to be worn. Basically, a morning suit is the daytime equivalent of a tuxedo and is worn to formal events that take place in the day, like weddings, royal garden parties, and the Royal Enclosure at Ascot. A morning suit consists of a tailcoat, vest, tie, and striped trousers. Most British men own their own morning suit (most also own their own tuxedo). If your date d
oesn’t have one, encourage him to rent one; otherwise a dark suit with a shirt and tie will suffice.

  Women should wear an elegant suit or chic, yet conservative day dress with neutral shoes. Getting too matchy matchy can look tacky.

  Head-to-toe outfits in white or cream should never be worn, and all black, unless cleverly accessorized, is often too somber and usually discouraged.

  Hats and fascinators are traditional, but not compulsory.

  Usually the outfit you wear to Ascot or Henley would also be appropriate for a British wedding.

  When in doubt, wear anything from Hobbs or L.K. Bennett.

  If someone is wearing a dress identical to yours, don’t ignore the situation. Approach her with a smile and compliment her on her good taste.

  RECOMMENDED READING:

  A Guide to Elegance by Genevieve Antoine Dariaux

  Originally published in 1964 (the pinnacle of Mad Men–like style), this book is a bona fide bible for anyone hoping to attain timeless chic, grace, and ballerina-grade poise. From “Accessories” to “Zippers,” Madame Dariaux imparts her pearls of wisdom on all things fashion-related.

  Elegance by Kathleen Tessaro

  I love this novel. It’s the story of an American girl living in London (can you tell why I love this novel?) whose miserable expat existence is transformed when she discovers a dusty, antique book entitled, A Guide to Elegance by Genevieve Dariaux. What unfolds is a hilarious, contemporary version of Pygmalion—and the protagonist is a girl after my own heart, because she very much becomes her own Professor Higgins.

  1 Unless you have zero hips, slim thighs, and a tiny bottom (aka “bum”)—and let’s face it—most of us don’t—your skirt hem should hit directly below your knee. Not only is this length classy and feminine, it draws attention to the slimmest part of your leg. If the hem is shorter or longer than this, you are in danger of making your thighs/calves look like tree trunks.