The Regal Rules for Girls

by Jerramy Fine

  Absolute Return for Kids (ARK). Delivers programs in the areas of health, education, and child protection across the globe. www.arkonline.org

  Help for Heroes. A charity formed to help those who have been wounded in Britain’s current conflicts. www.helpforheroes.org.uk

  Dolen Cymru. Creates life-changing links between Wales and Lesotho in the fields of education, health, and civil society. Prince Harry is a patron. www.dolencymru.org

  The Prince’s Rainforests Project. Founded by his father, The Prince of Wales, to discourage deforestation rates and promote the link between rain forests and climate change. Princes William and Harry appeared alongside their father and an animated frog in a recent public awareness film. www.rainforestsos.org

  Diana, Princess of Wales Memorial Fund. Established in September 1997 to continue his mother’s humanitarian work throughout the world. www.theworkcontinues.org

  For more information on Prince Harry’s philanthropic engagements, write to: The Foundation of Prince William and Prince Harry, St James’s Palace, London, SW1A 1BS, United Kingdom.

  In the 1880s, competition for the young Prince of Wales’s3 affection was so fierce that American girls would pay to have themselves professionally photographed and then allow their photos to be displayed in shop windows all around London. You have to give them credit for trying, but I don’t think it’s necessary for you to go to such lengths. Instead, try to follow these regal rules…

  GOLDEN RULES FOR HARRY HUNTERS:

  Be as discreet as possible. Don’t tell everyone in the nightclub that you’re looking for Prince Harry because you plan on falling in love and bearing his children (even if you believe this to be true).

  Dress appropriately (not too trendy, not too trashy). See Chapter 3.

  Smile demurely and say as little as possible. (For inspiration, watch the ball scene in My Fair Lady.)

  Try not to get nervous. (Don’t forget that royal guys can be just as hopeless as any other guy.)

  Too much deference can cause embarrassment or draw unwanted attention—so when in doubt, stay calm, and take the lead from his friends.

  Frequent the following night spots as often as possible (ideally on a Monday or Tuesday night): Public, Mahiki, Boujis, and The Box. (See “London Nightclubs,” page 132.)

  Learn to love polo and rugby. If Harry’s not playing one, he’s watching the other.

  Hang out in the village of Tetbury—you never know if Harry is home from a military mission and stopping by Highgrove to visit his dad.

  Read all you can about the House of Windsor. Make sure you know who’s who, how everyone is related, their official duties, and the charities they support. (Tatler, Hello, and Vanity Fair can often be better and more up-to-date sources of information than magazines like Royalty and Majesty.)

  Study up on royal history. If you don’t know that Queen Victoria is Harry’s great-great-great-great-grandmother then you’re probably not going to fit into his family that well.

  Don’t be discouraged if people make fun of you or call you crazy—there is nothing more honorable than following your heart.

  Don’t be discouraged if people tell you that meeting Harry is unrealistic. Winning American Idol is also pretty unrealistic—but if you believe something is your destiny, don’t let anyone stop you from trying.

  Planning Your Pursuit

  Every American girl is entitled to have twelve young men devoted to her. They remain her slaves and she rules them with charming nonchalance.

  —OSCAR WILDE

  Once you arrive in London, one of the first things you’ll notice is that Prince Harry–type Englishmen with Hugh Grant accents are few and far between. The movies make it look like they are swarming the streets, but the reality is that they practically belong on some sort of endangered species list.

  But don’t fret. The good news is that although this particular species of Englishman makes up less than 4 percent of the entire UK population, they are not extinct. You just have to know where to find them. The junior royals are spotted out and about in London all the time—as are their devastatingly attractive friends that I like to call the “Castle Crew” (aka cute British boys, usually Eton or Harrow alumni, whose families tend to own rather large stately homes). Although there is no question that the Castle Crew is an increasingly threatened species and the enchanted world these boys inhabit is very, very small— if you get in, you’re likely to stay in.

  Follow my advice, and soon you’ll be dancing with guys that dance with girls that dance with Prince Harry. (And who knows? After a few secret smiles, some careful eye contact, a light touch of the arm, and a bit of teasing conversation…you just might need to be referring to visa option #7.

  HOW TO SPOT A MEMBER OF THE CASTLE CREW:4

  plummy, cut-glass accent (this one is nonnegotiable!)

  hyphenated last name (or “double-barreled surname”)

  refers to his friends (both male and female) by their last names, or diminutives thereof

  bottomless well of self-confidence

  signs of chivalry, gallantry, and manners (He leaps to his feet when a woman enters the room and every time she leaves the table. He opens doors, pays for drinks, and offers his jacket to girls if the night is chilly.)

  strong sense of duty to Queen and country

  If the music is too loud to hear him properly, look for at least two or more of the following:

  rosy cheeks

  disheveled hair (that tends to rise into little cute wings behind his ears)

  rowing and/or rugby muscles

  gold signet ring (worn on the pinky finger)—make sure it’s bearing a family crest; otherwise steer clear

  pastel-colored shirts (never white) rolled-up below the elbow (never above)

  suede loafers

  Always find out where he went to boarding school—this is a lot more telling than where he went to university.5 (Bizarrely, private-run schools that charge tuition are called “public schools” in the UK.) Most Castle Crew boys will have boarded from the age of seven at one of the following:

  Ampleforth

  Bedford

  Charterhouse

  Eton6

  Fettes

  Gordonstoun7

  Hailbury

  Harrow8

  Marlborough

  Milton Abbey

  Oundle

  Radley

  Rugby

  St. Paul’s

  Shiplake

  Stowe9

  Tonbridge

  Uppingham

  Wellington

  Westminster

  Winchester10

  Warning: British men in this strata of society tend not to wear wedding bands. Prince William doesn’t. My husband doesn’t. If they do wear a ring, it is their family signet ring, but as a general rule these particular Englishmen don’t believe in jewelry of any kind. Watches and cuff links are the only exceptions.

  So now that we’ve established our regal prey, let us commence our hunt…

  Regal Hunting Ground #1: London Nightclubs

  When to Go

  The Castle Crew tend to have flexible working hours (jobs are considered as gratuitous as new clothes) and prefer to avoid the masses, so you have the best chance of spotting them out and about on Monday or Tuesday nights.

  What to Wear

  Smart and sexy is the order of the day. Go for a cute dress, great shoes, and fantastically blown-out hair.

  Faux Pas

  Desperation (declaring you “came all the way over from America to get into this club” is unlikely to get you any VIP treatment); acknowledging anyone famous; showing up with a large, co-ed group.

  Best Flirting Spot

  Any dark corner will do.

  You are categorically not going to find the Castle Crew anywhere in Leicester Square or in any American-themed sports bar. Instead, get yourself on the following guest lists:

  Boujis, 42 Thurloe Street, London SW7

  An intimate basement club with low ceil
ings, dark lighting, and secluded banquettes. Champagne only comes vintage and the vodka is quadruple distilled.

  Who goes: Prince Harry, Orlando Bloom, Leonardo DiCaprio, Lord Freddy Windsor, Lady Gabriella Windsor, and the Duke and Duchess of Cambridge (though, to be fair, Kate and Will have been asked by the Queen to spend less time clubbing and more time doing newlywed stuff in Wales).

  What to drink: The “crack baby”—a shot-sized mix of vodka and champagne.

  Membership is approximately $825 a year and the waiting list is approximately one year.

  Mahiki, 1 Dover Street, London W1S

  My personal favorite. Think bamboo beach bars, palm fronds, exotic flowers, and coconuts cocktails. The royals are regulars at this Hawaiian hideaway, and I can see why.

  Who goes: Prince Harry, William and Kate, Zara Phillips, Princess Beatrice, Princess Eugenie.

  What to drink: The Mahiki Treasure Chest—a mix of Mahiki beer, brandy, peach liqueur, lime, and sugar, all topped with a bottle of Moët. The drink is served in an actual treasure chest, with eight straws.

  Tip: Go early (like 5:30 p.m.) and stay all night. Entry is free before 9 p.m.

  PUBLIC, 533 King’s Road, London SW3

  Opened by the young Guy Pelly (master of royal revels and Harry and William’s party companion of choice), this elite nightclub was rumored to be the venue of William’s secret bachelor party. The club’s name is an ironic play on “public school” (which is confusingly what the Brits call private school). Situated in an old antiques warehouse, PUBLIC managed to bring an edgy New York/East London vibe straight to the heart of Chelsea. You’ll find exposed brick walls, iron beams, industrial lighting, and red leather seating, as well as a huge dance floor, life-sized carousel horses, and a dress-up corner and photo booth (because, as you will soon find out, these silly Brits can’t get enough of “fancy dress”!). The VIP area is called the “sweet room” and is decorated like an old-fashioned candy store.

  Who goes: Prince Harry, Princess Eugenie, Princess Beatrice, James Blunt.

  What to drink: The Jägerbomb Mousetrap; the actual board game is served to your table and the toy mousetrap eventually knocks shots of Jägermeister into your glass.

  PUBLIC is guest list only (and only for those who are twenty-one and over), so your best bet is to book a table in advance.

  Kitts, 7–12 Sloane Square, London SW3

  This club’s tagline is: “All is not what it seems on Sloane Square.” The place is named after the Caribbean island of St. Kitts; expect a vibrant party spirit, sparkling dance floor, luxurious booths, and rum-based cocktails.

  Who goes: Kate Middleton chose Kitts for her twenty-fifth birthday party.

  What to order: The signature bar snack is French fries with caviar.

  The Box, 12 Walkers Court, London W1F

  The Box is an infamous and utterly risqué club that was a cult hit in Manhattan before opening in London. The Box offers everything from vaudeville to burlesque and boasts the strangest and naughtiest cabaret acts imaginable, almost all of which involve some degree of nudity. The general atmosphere is one of slightly controlled debauchery.

  Who goes: Hugh Grant, the roguish Prince Harry and his plucky cousins Princesses Beatrice and Eugenie.

  What to drink: The Dirty Lady—a mixture of gin and Moët.

  Doors open at 11 p.m., shows start at approximately 1 a.m. Cameras, BlackBerrys, and phones are prohibited.

  Beaufort House, 354 King’s Road, London SW3

  Beaufort House has three floors, two cocktails bars, a champagne bar, and a restaurant.

  Who goes: Princes Harry, Zara Phillips, the England Rugby team (think sturdy, stocky heartthrobs with big smiles and even bigger thigh muscles).

  What to drink: The spiced pear mojito.

  Membership is $650 a year, and you must be recommended by two existing members. However, an existing member can sign you in as a guest.

  Raffles, 287 King’s Road, London SW3

  This notorious members club began its glamorous life in 1967 and is named after the nineteenth-century colonial mogul Sir Thomas Stamford Raffles. Strict doormen keep the riffraff out.

  Who goes: Prince Harry, the Duke and Duchess of Cambridge, Rosamund Pike, Keira Knightley.

  Membership is approximately $815 per year.

  Whiskey Mist, 35 Hertford Street, London W1J

  Whiskey Mist is derived from the name of Queen Victoria’s favorite stag, which she reportedly enjoyed watching from her window at Balmoral, while sipping a snifter of whiskey. Naturally, whiskey features strongly on the menu, and you can even purchase impromptu shooting trips in the Scottish Highlands. (After a night out at Whiskey Mist, you never know where you might end up.)

  Who goes: Princes William and Harry; Princesses Beatrice and Eugenie have even been made to queue at this über hotspot, located beneath the Park Lane Hilton.

  What to drink: The Tree of Life—a vodka and champagne cocktail, which is served in a two-handled silver quaich (a Victorian victory cup) engraved with the name of the buyer. (Warning: This cocktail costs $1,140.)

  Tip: Take the elevator (or “lift”) to the top floor of the building for one of the best views of London.

  This is a slightly older crowd than Mahiki. Membership is approximately $570 per year.

  Eighty Six, 86 Fulham Rd, London SW3

  A swanky new bar and restaurant occupying a grand Georgian town house, run by Brit entrepreneurs George Adams and Charlie Kearns, who also run the infamous Coco Club in Verbier. (See “Sailing and Skiing Holidays,” page 161.) Think mosaic floors, velvet sofas, gold paneling, and antique mirrors.

  Who goes: Kate Middleton celebrated her twenty-ninth birthday here.

  What to order: Lobster on toast.

  The Arts Club, 40 Dover Street, London, W1S

  Cofounded by Charles Dickens in 1838, this Mayfair town house boasts a bistro, brasserie, conservatory, drawing room, library, and nightclub and plays host to a frivolous, fashionable crowd. The club’s contemporary art collection is just as impressive as the people-watching.

  Who goes: Prince Harry, The Crown Prince and Crown Princess of Greece, Gwyneth Paltrow, Thandie Newton, the Red Hot Chili Peppers.

  Membership is approximately $2300 per year (or $1175 if you are under 30). New members must be proposed and seconded by existing members of the club.

  Brompton Club, 92b Old Brompton Road, London SW7

  Another discreet watering hole for the famous and formidable, the Brompton Club is a private members restaurant and nightclub. With the look and feel of a 1920s supper club (think dark wood and emerald green wallpaper), the venue boasts two opulent bars and a fine dining area that later transforms into a dance floor.

  Who goes: Prince Harry, Chelsy Davy, Princess Eugenie, and Jason Lewis (aka Smith Jarrod from Sex and the City)

  It is nearly impossible to enter this impenetrable fortress unless it is on the arm of one of its fashionable members.

  Annabel’s, 4 Berkley Square, London W15

  A London institution that has been going on since 1963, Annabel’s is the only place to party with the young, the old, the rich, and the beautiful.

  Who goes: Hugh Grant himself was spotted here during his courtship with Jemima Khan—which makes sense since this infamous Mayfair club was named after her mother, Lady Annabel Goldsmith. If you’re lucky, you’ll run into the dreamy Zac Goldsmith, one of the handsomer new Members of Parliament. (Many say he will be prime minister in our lifetime—I’ve met him and can’t help but agree.)

  You must be the guest of a member to enter.

  151, 151 King’s Rd, London SW3

  AKA “one-five-dive.” This is one of the most hilarious hunting grounds in existence. It hasn’t been refurbished in decades, but its old school charm remains and it’s guaranteed to be full of good-looking, well-bred Englishmen of all ages. If you can look beyond the frayed decor, it’s almost impossible not to have a good time. (Thankfully, there is no guest list.)

  TOP
TIP:

  You might want to consider joining Champagne for Life. Exclusively for women, this membership is available as a sleek business card or iPhone App. Members can enjoy a complimentary glass of champagne at a number of prestigious venues in London (and around the world) for life! Most importantly, you will receive complimentary entry to private members clubs (including royal favorites Boujis, Beauford House, Kitts, and Eighty Six), priority queuing, and invitations to exclusive events. It’s not cheap, but if you already spend £10 pounds a week at swanky London bars, membership will have paid for itself in less than a year. www.champagneforlife.com

  Regal Hunting Ground #2: London Pubs

  Only a few years ago, most pubs in London were pretty unpleasant places filled with tacky game machines, beer-soaked carpeting, microwaved food, and a somewhat unsavory clientele. However, things have changed drastically since the smoking ban kicked in, and there are a few absolute gems that are worth going out of your way for.

  On my secret preferred pub list you’ll find nothing but warm and cozy lighting, fashionable (and clean) furniture, superior food and wine, and most of all, plenty of gorgeous and gregarious, well-spoken Englishmen. When in doubt order wine, gin and tonic, or Pimm’s (see what not to order on the next page), and rather than tip for stellar service, it is customary to buy the barman a drink.11 Please note that last orders are taken at 11 p.m. and that dogs are almost always allowed. Don’t be shocked if you see children in the pub—during the day, Brits consider pubs to be “family” destinations.

  The White Horse, Parsons Green, SW6 (aka “the Sloaney Pony”—it has a ludicrously popular outdoor terrace that spills onto the green; wonderfully flirty and social on a summer afternoon)

  The Admiral Codrington, Mossop Street, SW3 (love this place)

  The Sands End, Stephendale Road, SW6 (excellent for sightings of Prince Harry)

  The Pig’s Ear, Old Church Street, SW3 (a known favorite of Prince William)

  The Ship, Wandsworth Bridge Road, SW18 (popular with the rugby crowd and all the Queen’s grandchildren)

  Aragon House, New Kings Road, SW6

  The Builders Arms, Britten Street, SW3

  The Windsor Castle, Campden Hill Road, W8