Graceless (The Charlie Davies Mysteries Book 3)

by Clare Kauter

  “Why was that the first thing you came up with?” James asked.

  “Sorry,” I said. “It’s not about size, anyway. It’s about technique. You’ll be alright, tiger. I’m not judging you.”

  “Charlie, shut up,” said Jo. “This is a serious question. I want to know.”

  I bit my lower lip. I’d tried, but Jo wasn’t going to be deterred.

  “Well,” said C slowly, “I…”

  “I cheated on her.”

  All heads turned to James. Scandal! Even I was shocked, and I knew it was a lie. I was impressed. James was willing to sully his good name to make sure Celia didn’t have to tell Jo anything she wasn’t confortable divulging.

  “You what?” said Jo.

  “I… I slept with one of her friends,” he said. “And she found out, so she dumped me.”

  Jo slapped James right across the face.

  “How dare you?” she hissed. “Celia is a far better woman that you ever deserved, you piece of… you… you…”

  She slapped him again.

  “Ow,” he said.

  “Please stop slapping him,” said Celia.

  “No! He deserves it!” said Jo. “You need to have more self-respect, C. You shouldn’t be hanging out with him. He doesn’t deserve your time!”

  “She’s right,” said Lea. “Shame on you, James.”

  “Yeah, more like Shames McKenzie,” I said. No one laughed. Oh, right. This was meant to be a serious moment. Oops.

  “Did you know about this?” Jo demanded, looking at me.

  “No,” I said, totally truthfully. “I hadn’t heard this story before.”

  “Well, Charlie, I’ve gotta say, all these years I thought you were wrong about him, but now…”

  Jo’s loyalty to her friends was astounding. Sure, they hadn’t really spoken for years, but the second she thought James had done wrong by Celia, Jo was ready to murder him. I was glad I’d hidden the knives.

  “Yeah, what an arsehole,” I said.

  “James, you don’t have to lie for me,” said Celia. “Jo deserves the truth.”

  Jo frowned. “What are you talking about? If that was meant to be the pleasant lie to keep me happy then I can’t imagine what the truth is.”

  “James just didn’t want me to have to tell you that… well, Gina’s my girlfriend.”

  Jo frowned and after a short pause whispered, “He turned you into a lesbian?”

  Celia laughed, shaking her head. “No,” she said. “We were only pretending to date so that he wouldn’t get mobbed at school and I wouldn’t have to tell anyone that I break out in hives at the thought of a scrotum.”

  “That’s not just you,” said Lea. “I don’t think there is a woman in existence who doesn’t find scrotums totally repulsive.”

  “So he didn’t cheat on you?” Jo asked.

  “No, he didn’t. He’s one of my best friends and I’m afraid Charlie was wrong about him.”

  “Hmm, I don’t know if I’d go that far,” I said.

  Jo wasn’t listening, though. She’d turned back to James.

  “Well, I’m sorry about slapping you.”

  “Uh… thanks,” said James cautiously.

  She turned to Celia. “I guess I understand why you two got together now. It kind of makes sense. Seeing as you weren’t really dating, I guess it doesn’t count as totally betraying all your friends.”

  “I never meant to upset you,” said Celia. “I wanted to explain, but…”

  Jo nodded. “I get it. I…” She stopped and took a deep breath. “I’m sorry I treated you the way I did. It was all Charlie’s idea.”

  “Hey!” I said. “That’s not –”

  “Anyway, that’s in the past now,” said Jo. “Friends?”

  “Friends,” said C with a smile.

  Jo turned back to James. “But if I ever find out you did anything mean to her…”

  James nodded. I couldn’t believe what I was seeing. Jo was addressing James directly – and threatening him! Lea knew what she was doing with this group therapy stuff. Well, I mean, the threatening bit wasn’t ideal, but it was still an improvement.

  “We weren’t really dating, Jo,” said Celia. “It wasn’t like he broke my heart or anything. He couldn’t if he tried.”

  “Nevertheless… I’ve got my eye on you, James McKenzie. And not in a fun way.”

  I swear I heard him gulp from all the way across the room. Jo was maybe the scariest person I knew, which given the company I keep is kind of terrifying.

  “You can finish my manicure now,” she said.

  “Absolutely,” said James, and began painting a second coat on her nails. He still looked a little scared and appeared to be concentrating very hard on painting neatly.

  “My original point stands, though,” said Jo. “Charlie looked good at the formal. Her tan suited her, even if she did have a weird boyfriend, a terrible dye job and makeup that made her look slightly like a drag queen.” So much for building each other up. “You looked hot, anyway,” Jo concluded.

  “Which weird boyfriend was that?” James asked.

  “None of your business,” I snapped. “Although clearly he didn’t mind my drag queen makeup.”

  “Oh, that wasn’t meant to be an insult,” Jo said. “It suited you. She looked hot, didn’t she James?”

  “Uh…” He looked very uncomfortable.

  “Didn’t she, James?” Jo repeated forcefully.

  “Yes, James. Did I?”

  “I…”

  “Just answer the question, James,” I said.

  I admit, I was enjoying his discomfort. What can I say? Watching him squirm was the best entertainment I’d had all week.

  “Yes,” said James, looking terrified.

  “Are you sure?” I asked.

  “Yes.”

  “Do you even remember what I looked like at the formal?”

  “Yes.”

  “What was I wearing?”

  “A red dress with a puffy skirt.”

  “Did I look hot?”

  James hesitated. Everyone watched us wordlessly, waiting to see what he’d say next.

  “You – I – it –”

  “Answer the question, James.”

  “I – I –”

  “James!”

  “Yes! Fine, yes, you looked hot! Please don’t ask me again. It’s too weird.”

  Now Celia, Lea and Gracie were all waggling their eyebrows at me.

  Jo shrugged. “See? I told you.”

  Chapter Three

  It was late afternoon, around 5 p.m., when Oswald arrived to pick up Jo. By that time the manicures were over and we had constructed an obstacle course in the backyard. Grace and I raced against each other, and she only had to rescue me when I injured myself twice. She, of course, won. Nobody was surprised – I was not built for physical activity, whereas Gracie was Tim’s niece and therefore a future Olympic athlete. I thought of Tim and wondered how everything was going. I decided to give Adam a call once the Backyard Olympics were over.

  Celia and Lea ran against each other and Lea won, though I suspected Celia might have let her. (Lea had a slight competitive streak and I don’t think C wanted to get in the way of that.)

  Jo and James had just begun the course when Os showed up.

  For how quickly we had managed to construct the course, and how little equipment we’d had on hand, we’d done a pretty good job. The first part involved two ladders laid flat on the grass, which you had to cross by stepping between the rungs. Next there were two buckets side-by-side with a stack of plastic cups (we hadn’t had balls on hand) to throw into them from behind a line. After that, there was a series of chairs arranged so you could jump between them to cross the lawn to the poolside, where there was a skipping rope waiting for you to skip five times before running to the finish line.

  Jo managed to keep pace with James through the first obstacle, but she seemed to be falling behind at the second. James was getting almost every cup in t
he bucket. Jo, well… wasn’t. Eventually she stacked all the cups together and hurled them into the bucket. Since that wasn’t technically against the rules, we decided to let her get away with it. She trailed a little way behind James as he ran across the lawn and jumped across the chairs. By the time they reached the poolside, we were all cheering her on. The trouble was, James was already on his third skip by the time she picked up her rope. Jo turned back to us, shrugged and then turned back to James. Then she pushed him.

  Right into the pool.

  We all ran over to the poolside, filing in through the gate one after the other. Oswald was watching on in shock as Jo ran to the finish line and screamed, “I won, bitches!”

  Celia and Lea were staring in shock and Gracie and I were howling with laughter. James broke the surface laughing as well.

  Os leaned in close and whispered to me, “What the hell happened today? Are they friends now?”

  “I guess,” I answered.

  “I’ve never felt less secure.”

  “It’s fine,” I said. “You’ve got nothing to worry about.”

  “They’re flirting.”

  I snorted. “I don’t think pushing someone into a pool so you can beat them is flirting.”

  “It is if you’re Jo.”

  Fair point.

  “It’s OK,” I said. “James isn’t interested.”

  “So you’re not even slightly jealous?”

  Oswald knew I had a thing for James. “No,” I lied. “Not at all.”

  Jo walked over to us as James pulled himself out of the water. Not going to lie, it wasn’t a totally unappealing sight. He’d been wearing a tight-fitting white T-shirt and shorts when he’d gone into the pool, and the way his sopping clothes were now clinging to his form like Glad wrap on a sandwich was definitely not unpleasant, although his shoes looked kind of squelchy (apparently ‘boat shoes’ doesn’t mean they’re waterproof). He reached into his pocket and pulled out his now dripping phone.

  “Well, I guess that’s a write-off,” he said.

  “Oh, just buy yourself a new one,” said Jo.

  James laughed, then stopped abruptly and took a step back when he caught me and Os looking at him. I guess our feelings about this newfound friendship must have been showing on our faces.

  “We’d better go, Jo,” said Os. “Your parents are expecting us for dinner.”

  She rolled her eyes. “Fine,” she said. “Do you need a lift, C?”

  I guessed that meant they were friends again. I hoped I wouldn’t get roped into watching Transformers 17 with them.

  After we waved them goodbye, Lea and Gracie did another lap of the obstacle course while I got a towel for James. While he was drying himself off (I was totally not watching him like a creeper – how dare you accuse me of such a thing?), I decided to try and coax him into coming to the barbecue that night.

  “James…” I began.

  “Oh god, what?” he asked, looking panic stricken. “Please don’t ask me about whether you looked hot at other occasions. It’s too awkward.”

  I frowned. “What do you mean? Are there occasions where I looked bad?” I paused. “I mean, this morning doesn’t count. Or the other day.” I shook my head. “I mean times when I’ve actually made an effort.”

  He sighed. “Really, Charlie? Are we really doing this?”

  Damn right we were. Watching him hang out with Jo all afternoon had made me feel kind of insecure.

  “What? Just answer the question.”

  He sighed again. “You looked hot. You always look hot. You know you look hot. Stop making me say it.”

  “When you say ‘always’ –”

  “Charlie…”

  “Fine,” I said. I’d gotten what I wanted anyway. “Um, James?”

  He frowned. “This better not be you asking how you looked at a random event again.”

  “No, no,” I said. “It’s just… I have to leave in a little while.”

  “Oh,” he said. He looked a little disappointed. “I guess I should go home then.”

  “Well, actually…” I swallowed. “I thought maybe you could come with me.”

  James smiled a little. “A date?”

  “Uh…”

  “Judging by your face, not a date. What, then?”

  I took a deep breath. “Family barbecue?”

  James hadn’t been to a family barbecue in years. Five years, to be exact. James had been kicked out of his parents’ house when he was 16 and his mother found drugs in his room. It turned out they were his brother’s (James was a stickler for the law and had in the intervening years become a cop), and James hadn’t really spoken to his brother since. I was good friends with his brother, Will, and I knew how much Will missed James, so I was hoping to engineer a reunion. This barbecue seemed like the perfect opportunity.

  “I don’t know if… It’s just…”

  I let my breath out slowly. “I know it’s kind of a big deal, but your sisters’ kids would love to see you.” James hadn’t spoken to his parents much in the past few years either, but he had kept in touch with his sisters and he babysat their kids pretty frequently. He loved them to bits and this was a very thinly veiled attempt at manipulating him.

  “Nice try,” he said.

  Time for a different tactic.

  “My friends and I all made up with Celia. You saw it first hand.”

  “It’s true.”

  “Jo acted like a human around you and everything.”

  He nodded. “Yeah…”

  He sounded a little bewildered. I could understand why. She used to camp in a tree outside his bedroom window and spy on him in high school. Today she’d pushed him into a pool to win a race. It was kind of a big deal.

  “Hell, even you and I are friends now. Maybe it’s time to try and patch things up with your folks… and Will.”

  James stared at the floor for a moment.

  “You can’t say no,” I said.

  “And why not?”

  “Because then I’ll be the reasonable one and you’ll be the difficult one, and I just don’t think you could cope with that.”

  He sighed. “You’re right. Fine. I’ll come. I just need to head home and get a change of clothes first. And grab my other phone.”

  “You have two phones?” I asked, shaking my head. “You rich people are weird.”

  Chapter Four

  While Gracie and I waited in the car for James to shower and change his clothes, I decided to call Adam and get an update. I dialled, but there was no answer.

  “Is Timmy going to be OK?” Gracie asked.

  “Yeah,” I said. As if I had any idea. “He’ll be OK. His bruises look worse than they are. I’m pretty sure he’s just being a sook so that people will do stuff for him.”

  Gracie giggled. When I looked at her in the rear view mirror, she looked a little less worried. She trusted me. I swallowed, hoping I was right. Otherwise I was just lying to a child like some kind of monster.

  We arrived at the McKenzies’ house by six. I hadn’t brought along a plate to share since I was exempt from the food-bringing rule. Everyone knew that anything I cooked would be inedible. The front door was locked so I hit the doorbell and waited. I heard someone making their way up the hallway, and knew it was my mother since she was yelling at me.

  “ – only been waiting an hour for you to arrive, don’t let us inconvenience you, Charlie Davies. I don’t know why you turned out like this. I swear I didn’t raise you to be so –”

  She threw the door open and stopped, nearly fainting from shock.

  “Hi, Janine,” said James. “Sorry we’re late. It’s my fault. Jo Riley pushed me in a pool so I had to have a shower before we came around. This is Gracie, by the way.”

  “Hello, Janine. I can hear kids inside, so I’m going to go and make friends with them,” said Gracie before running off. Damn, if only I was as sociable as this child.

  “I – I –”

  “What’s wrong, mum?” I asked.r />
  “You – you two are – what –”

  “Oh, didn’t I tell you?” I said. “We’re together. Having lots of wild sex all over his mansion.”

  Mum hit me over the head. “No need to be like that.” She leaned in closer and spoke in a low voice. “Although I am of the opinion that gold-digging is a perfectly legitimate career choice.”

  James and I followed Mum inside, through the hallway and the kitchen and finally out into the backyard. The second James and I walked out the door, the party went silent. Then:

  “Uncle Jamie!” screamed a chorus of kids. “Have you met Gracie? She’s cool. Also this is Grandma and Grumpier.” (One of the kids had mispronounced ‘Grandpa’ once and it kind of stuck.)

  James laughed awkwardly. “Yeah, I know them.”

  Brian McKenzie waved at James then pointed at the barbecue. “I’d shake your hand, but I can’t leave these cobs of corn unattended. You know how it is.”

  Brian burned everything he ever cooked, but he got ten points for effort. My own father, Bruce, stood beside Brian sipping his beer and contemplating the mysteries of the universe. At least, that’s what I assumed he was doing. Dad wasn’t really much of a talker.

  “No worries, chef,” said James.

  Violet looked like she might have a stroke. “Jamie,” she said finally. “I thought I’d never see you again.”

  “Mum, I live ten minutes away,” he said, a little too brusquely to seem totally at ease with the situation. “You could visit any time you wanted.”

  “How are you, Vi?” I asked, figuring I’d better step in and alleviate some of the awkwardness.

  “Good, I – wait, did you two come here together?”

  “Yes,” I said.

  “Oh,” said Vi when I didn’t elaborate. “Well that’s… uh…”

  “Anyway, how are you?” I asked.

  “Good, good… I’m sorry, I’m just having a hard time processing the fact that James would voluntarily spend time with you.”

  My eyebrows flew up so fast they might have left my face.

  Vi’s hand moved to her mouth as she realised what she’d said. “Oh, that didn’t come out –”

  “I guess things have changed a lot in the last five years,” James said. “To be honest, Vi, I’d rather spend time with Charlie than you these days.”