For The Love of Ash

by Taylor Lavati

  I had only been at my parents' house for a month, and I was ready to kill someone. Either my mother or Liam most likely. Unfortunately, I had nowhere else to go. The lease on my apartment near UConn was up, so they forced me to leave. My friends had all gone their separate ways with new jobs and girlfriends. Finn was on the Rangers, Marcus still playing lacrosse at the University of Maryland, so their time was nonexistent these days. I was stranded.

  My cell started vibrating as I hopped into my truck.

  "Hello?" I asked, too busy stuffing my things in the back seat to check to caller ID. I held the phone between my shoulder and ear, awkwardly craning my head to the side.

  "Brother! Where are you? I'm at mom and dad's, and you're missing in action." It was Lindsay, my eldest sister.

  "I'm just leaving class. I'll be home in thirty."

  "I'll be waiting!"

  My phone beeped loudly, signaling that Lindsay had hung up on me. Well, I guess I didn't have much of a choice. I headed home. I rolled down the window, tore off my hoodie to reveal my button-up shirt from work, and blasted Bruce Springsteen as I drove the speed limit to my parents'.

  "Brother dearest, how I've missed thee!" Lindsay assaulted me the second I got home. I dropped my bag in the entryway and lifted her in the air. I was closest to Lindsay out of all of my sisters because we had the same main goal—get us and our siblings the hell away from our parents.

  She wasn't entitled like the other girls or bitchy and catty. She was down to earth, probably as normal as you could get, which was saying a lot in this household. We were all fucked up in different ways. Her one downfall was her asshole fiancé. I didn't understand what she saw in the guy. He resembled our father in many ways, which was about as shitty as you can get.

  "I missed you too, Linds."

  "How was the job?" she asked in a more quiet voice. She looked behind her as if checking to make sure that nobody was snooping.

  "It was good. I was kind of surprised I enjoyed it as much as I did."

  "I'm so glad." She finally let go of me and had to lean on her tiptoes to fix my shirt. Linds was the only sibling who knew about my many tattoos, and she loved that fact. She adjusted my collar, pulling it up to what felt like my chin.

  "Why is it so quiet?" I asked as I pulled down my sleeves.

  "We're all getting ready for a family dinner. Dad's here."

  "Are you shitting me?" Father was never here. I banked on that asshole staying in hotels and hiding out with his mistresses for weeks at a time. I didn't want to face off with him tonight or any night for that matter.

  "Language!" Mother called from the other room. I rolled my eyes at Linds. I couldn't handle this right now. I nodded towards my bedroom and heard Linds's footsteps behind me as she followed me up the stairs and into my room.

  I truly wasn't much of a drinker, but if my father was in the house, I was going to need something strong to calm my temper. Lindsay was the only other sibling who understood the trauma of growing up here. Well, maybe Lilly knew now, too. Even though Lauren was old enough to remember, she worshipped the ground Mother walked on and refused to actually open her eyes to the reality of what was going on. She lived by the whole 'ignorance is bliss' motto.

  Father was never home, cheated in both business and on his wife—typical shady business man. He physically abused Lindsay until I found out, which then made me his main target. Lauren was safe—the precious clone of our mom. Lisa was just around, under the radar. But he was untouchable to us. It started when I was ten, so what was I going to do?

  I unlocked the lower cabinet of my cherry-wood desk with a key I kept on my car key chain. I pulled out a brand new bottle of Lagavulin. I needed the expensive shit tonight. I didn't have cups or anything, so I just took a long swig from the bottle, used to the fiery path as it snaked its way through my stomach.

  "Let me get some," Linds said as she grabbed for the bottle. I handed it over. Linds took a sip as she jumped onto my bed and sat on the end. I put my bag in the corner of the room as I debated changing into more comfortable, less stuffy clothes.

  "Children!" my mother called up from where I guessed she was positioned at the bottom of the stairs. "Dinner is going to be served soon!" I looked over at Linds and rolled my eyes. She took another sip, handed it to me and walked to the door.

  "Let's go." I sipped it and then put it down on my nightstand. I walked down the stairs beside Lindsay.

  We rarely used our dining room. Most of us dreaded family dinners and only had to endure them when my father was around—which again, was rare. A large china cabinet took up of most of the eastern wall, making the room feel dark with its cherry tones. A large twelve-person table sat in the center of the room.

  I sat between Lilly and Lindsay, while everyone else scrambled to find a seat, nobody wanting to be stuck next to Dad. Of course, Lauren was at Mom's left side, Lisa at her right, so they could whisper all dinner long. I leaned back, widening my eyes as I realized all my siblings were in attendance. But the main shock was my father.

  Father entered the room last, making a big spectacle of himself. His presence loomed, and immediately the air filled with a charged tension—like the first thunder in a torrential storm. When we were younger, any time he entered the room we were supposed to stand, but now I refused, along with some of the rest of us.

  Mother, Lauren and Lisa—clone one and clone two—all stood when Father entered and smiled at him adoringly. I stared in awe and almost expected them to clap at his appearance tonight. My eyes caught with Liam's across the table, and we both widened our eyes at each other with disgust. I pressed my lips together to hide my scowl.

  "I'm so happy we all could be here," Father said as he raised his hand and nodded at the three standing. They sat, scooting their chairs like they were taught in prep school—pure silence. Someone kicked me under the table, and I had to cover my mouth with my palm to hide my groan.

  "Who would like to say grace?" my mother asked.

  "Why doesn't Lisa say it tonight?" Father offered, looking over at the daughter wearing a white laced top that screamed innocence. She grinned and bowed her head, folding her hands over her plate like the perfect lady she allegedly was.

  "First, I would like to thank God for bringing us all together tonight."

  Liam snickered into his hands. I shot him a glare that said shut the hell up while everyone's eyes were closed. I was the only person to acknowledge his outburst, but I'm sure others heard.

  "Thank you for this meal tonight. Thank you for the loving family that I have. I pray that each of us lives to their fullest potential and truly appreciates what our parents have given us. Thank you for our futures and our opportunities. Let us thank God and our parents for life itself. Amen."

  "Amen," I muttered with the rest of the group, though it was hardly convincing. It was a gag-worthy performance—one of her best—but I knew I'd be ridiculed if I didn't act along.

  "I've heard a congratulations is in order," Father said, his eyes pointedly roaming over me. He made me feel worthless, insignificant. I sunk in my seat until he looked away. "Lilly was nominated to be class president. Rightfully so, if I do say so."

  "Oh, dear. Well done," Mother chimed in, clapping her hands, golf-clap style. I looked over as she unfurled the utensils from the white cloth and placed it on her lap. You'd think this was a dinner for the president with the way she was acting.

  "It's not really a big deal," Lilly said, looking down at her plate. Her cheeks were rose-colored, her lips pursed.

  "Congrats, Lil." She looked up, her eyes wide as they met mine. She smiled and looked down again.

  "How was teaching, son?" Father asked.

  "It was fine." I wanted to speak as little as I could. Three words was already over the one-word answer limit I put on myself.

  "That's it. Just fine?"

  "Yes. Fine. Like I said."

  "Well, I can't say I didn't expect that. You could be heading your own law practice by now, yet you're in
an elementary school teaching snot-nosed kids. Not even a prep. How disappointing."

  "Walter, leave him alone. This isn't the place." For once my mother actually stood up for me. My head snapped to her.

  "It's fine, Mother. I wouldn't expect less."

  "Expect less of me? You are what you are because of me. What a joke you've become." Father glared at me, his nearly black eyes penetrating my well-built wall. He was always able to weasel his way under my exterior and hit me hard. But I wouldn't show it. At least not now. "Lindsay, how is house hunting with Rodger?"

  "Rodger and I broke up two days ago, Father." I smiled to myself, covering my grin with my napkin. I didn't know about the break up, but I couldn't be happier. Lindsay had the perfect demeanor to fuck with father. She would say something simple like that, but fill her words with condescension and sarcasm; it was hilarious—to me, at least. I could tell from the furrow of Lauren's brow that she didn't find it as funny.

  "Well, that is a shame. I suppose our family was too good for him, anyway. I'll have to call his father and see how the boy is. Just to maintain business relations, of course. Maybe Lauren would be a nice match for the boy. I've always wanted a lawyer for a son." This time, instead of glaring at me, Father looked to Liam, who was sinking further and further in his seat, slouching in a way I knew mother would find cringe-worthy.

  "I'm dating Shawn, remember Father?" Lauren spoke up, her voice quiet like a field mouse.

  "What does Shawn do again?"

  "He's getting his master's in engineering."

  "Hm," Father mumbled, shoving more red meat into his mouth. Cora chose that moment to walk into the room and refill the water glasses. I envisioned her tripping and spilling the entire pitcher over Father's head, but I knew the instant gratification of his humiliation would only hurt Cora in the long run. Possibly have her fired.

  "Tell me Liam, what is your dream job?" Father asked, placing his fork at the edge of his china dish with a little clink.

  "Well, I don't really know. I—"

  "Walter. He's fifteen. Let him be." Mother was on a role today, standing up for all of us. Maybe she had grown tired of the cheating and lying. Or maybe she was just toasted from her red wine.

  "You know? I've had just about enough of you butting into our conversations tonight."

  "I'm not butting in. I'm just trying to make this civil."

  "We're civil!" Father shouted, his voice echoing in the high-ceilinged room. "The only one not civil seems to be you, since you don't know your place anymore. Maybe I need to stay here more often. Would you like that?"

  "Walter, please," Mother pleaded.

  "Just shut your mouth and eat the dinner that Cora has so thoughtfully made for you."

  "Fine." She glared across the table at Father, but it was nothing compared to his death stare. His eyes could burn through your face and leave you an empty skeleton.

  "May I be excused?" Lilly asked through tears.

  "No," Father answered sternly, not even bothering to look her way.

  "B-But I have a l-lot of homework." She gulped. Her back was rigid, a straight line as she tried to hold her sobs back.

  "No."

  "Lilly. Come on. I'll take you upstairs." I knew the second that I said anything it was going to be a screaming match. I knew it. Yet I couldn't sit here and watch my seventeen-year-old sister be told she couldn't leave the table when it was clear she was on the verge of tears.

  "You take her upstairs, there will be consequences."

  "Fine." My chair screeched against the hardwood floor as I stood from the table. I looked over at Lilly and could tell that she was debating what to do.

  I was fairly certain that she didn't know about the abuse the rest of us had to go through when Father was around. She was too young to remember. But she knew what consequences were; she wasn't stupid. And neither was I. I knew that mark on her face was from Father, and most likely, she experienced a little taste.

  Her eyes went huge, completely glassed over with tears that were now spilling down onto her lap. She was asking me a question with her stare, but I didn't know what. I nodded.

  "Lil, it's okay," I told her, and that must have been enough. She stood up and ran to me. I glanced over at Father, glared, and took Lilly's hand in mine. I led her up the stair to her bedroom. We were silent as she fell facedown onto her bed and started to sob into her pink polka-dot pillow.

  I hadn't been in her room in a long time. It was simple, pink everywhere but much more minimalist than I remembered. I knew she wasn't a clone. I admired her for fighting against the grain.

  Her sobbing wasn't stopping, and I was afraid to leave her alone. Her entire body shook with each breath. I sat at the edge of her bed and debated whether to hug her or not. We weren't as close as Lindsay and I were, but it was mostly because she was so young. Her growing up stage was spent while I was in college. We were far enough apart that we liked different things. But she was still my blood.

  I compromised with myself. I rubbed her back up and down, letting her know that I was here for her and that I was staying. I looked around the room, trying to busy myself and focus elsewhere.

  "I just fucking hate him, you know? He comes here like he owns the place, which he does and all, but he's never here. He's not our dad. Like, the only reason he even knows our names is because of our jobs and what we can do for him."

  "I know, Lil."

  "What's he going to do to you?" she asked as she sat up. She turned and faced me, her legs crisscrossed. Her mascara dripped down her face, splotches of black on her cheeks. She hugged me, her arms circling my neck, and I returned it, hugging her back as we awkwardly sat beside each other.

  "He can't hurt me," I answered.

  "I don't want you to leave yet."

  "I'm not going anywhere," I promised.

  The door to Lilly's room banged open and hit against the dresser on our side. Lindsay came in, guns blazing. Lindsay scared people with her dramatic nature, yet composed attitude. She was threatening because she was so smart. I wouldn't fuck with her.

  "Honestly, fuck that guy!" She slammed the door shut behind her and jumped onto Lilly's bed. "You okay, sweetheart?"

  "I'm fine now. Thanks to Lukey Pukey."

  "You know I love it when you call me that," I joked pushing her arms off me and lying back on her bed. Lilly was in the middle, Lindsay sitting on her other side. For a moment, the three of us just sat in silence. Only our heavy breaths could be heard.

  "Can I talk to you for a second?" Lindsay asked me. I nodded and sat up.

  "Will you be okay?" I asked Lilly, rubbing her back.

  She nodded, and Linds led me out into the hall, and across the way to her childhood bedroom. She shut the door behind us and leaned against it, blocking anyone who might come in.

  "What's wrong?" I asked her, immediately picking up on her nervousness.

  "You have to go."

  "What?"

  "He's going to beat the shit out of you. Here are the keys to my apartment. I'll stay here. You gotta go until he leaves again."

  "I'm fucking twenty-three, Lindsay. He can't beat me up anymore."

  "Luke, please. I'm offering you an out." She grabbed onto my forearm, her wide blue eyes twinkling up at me.

  "This has got to be some fucking joke. What about Liam, or you? What if he takes it out on you guys?"

  "He won't."

  "This is bullshit, Linds." I turned so she couldn't see my face and ran my hand through my hair, pulling at the ends. I didn't know what to do to make this better. But I knew Lindsay was right. I couldn't stay. I just didn't want to leave them to deal with the broken pieces.

  "I know, but you don't have a choice. You have to work tomorrow. You don't have time to go to the emergency room. Please. Just go to my place."

  "Come with me." I spun around and grabbed her biceps. She could come and we'd both be safe. He didn't hit the other kids yet, so if we left, he'd have to calm down alone. That would work.

&nbs
p; "I have to watch the others. Father will be gone in a week, probably earlier. I'm fine. I'm your older sister. So listen to me." She glared, quirking her brows up. "For once in your life, listen."

  "Love you," I said as I plucked the keys from her pointer finger. I ran into the hallway and down to my room. I had to pack a bag and make sure I had everything I needed. I did have work tomorrow. She was right.

  "Love you!" She called after me, her voice soft and unsure.

  Chapter Six

  Maggie

  I ran through the front door, eager to be home. My eyes roamed over the living room, searching for him. "Hello?" I asked when I didn't see anyone.

  Before I knew it, a stampede of feet rushed towards me. I dropped my bag and put the box down on the small table near the front door to receive him. "Hey, buddy!" I yelled, excited to see my guy.

  Asher jumped into my arms, and I caught him just in time. He was so warm and snuggly. I wanted to hold onto him forever and never let him out of my sight.

  "What's for dinner?" he asked as he eyed the pizza box in the doorway. I could see from his hungry gaze that he was ready to eat. I nodded over to the box.

  "Your favorite. Meat lovers, and I got you a special treat for being so strong on your first day of school. Guardians," I sang, as I pulled the video box out of my bag. He yelped, grabbed the DVD, and jumped away from me. I laughed at him as I grabbed the pizza and walked towards the kitchen. On my way, I kicked off my shoes.

  I pointed to the small four-person table so Asher would sit as I placed the hot box on the counter. I only had about a square of empty counter space, but I made it work. He fell silent as I placed a plate with one slice on it in front of him.

  Lisa waved as she came into the kitchen and nodded towards the door. I smiled and kissed Asher's head as I followed her to the front door, out of earshot.

  "So, how was he today?" I grabbed my fallen backpack from the entry way and fished out my wallet. I found two twenties crumpled in the main pocket and handed them to her.