Louis, Molly & the Woodchuck

by Michael Arnold

Chapter 2

  At Edna’s residence, the groundhog jimmied the lock on the front door open. Louis went in cautiously. He found the living room to be exceptionally clean, except for the muddy footprints that had been tracked in from Edna’s bare feet earlier that day. Louis found the warmth of the house cozy and the rug in the middle of the living room attractive. He walked closer to the rug, sniffed it and backed away in a hurry.

  The woodchuck came to the conclusion that what Louis said in the middle of his attempt to jimmy the front door was wrong, but when he saw the door without a doorknob on it, he realized that Louis was right.

  “Wouldn’t the smartest thing to do would be to go through the back than the front, Louis?”

  “No, not at all.”

  “Why is that?

  “For some reason that back entrance is boarded up.”

  “Are you sure about that or you don’t want to let your pride go and say you made a mistake?”

  “Don’t you have a job to do, Woodchuck?”

  “Why yes, and aren’t I doing it?”

  “Looks to me like you doing more talking than trying to get that door open.”

  “Last I check, Louis, this was a free country and that means for groundhogs, too, Mister.”

  “Shut up, Woodchuck, and keep your mind on the door, okay?”

  “I’m just informing you.”

  “Enough of the informing and more on getting the door open.”

  “Alright already.”

  “Looks like I owe Louis an apology, but he wouldn’t dare give me one, so I guess I will keep it to myself and forget I owe him one,” the woodchuck said, finding his way from the heat and air conditioning unit, to the tree that hung in front of the window then to the window sill. He looked in. There was the kitchen. He saw footprints – her footprints and the tall and wide refrigerator.

  “Oh the grapes, the grapes, the grapes, the grapes!” the woodchuck rehearsed, standing on the window ledge on his hind legs, his front ones spread out like eagles’ wings and his eyes shut.

  “Earth to Woodchuck!” Louis said in a calm voice.

  “Oh the grapes, the grapes, the grapes, the grapes!” the groundhog continued to say.

  “Earth to Woodchuck!” Louis yelled.

  The groundhog opened his eyes, yelled then fell a couple of feet down onto the air and heating system. “Dang it, Louis, you bout scared the poop out of me, literally. I was close to crapping on myself. I’m glad I didn’t, though. Anyway, you see the refrigerator, right?” the woodchuck asked from down below the window sill.

  “Yea, I see it.”

  “Can you get it open?”

  “That’s what I am trying to do right now. Hold on a minute,” Louis said.

  The groundhog found his way back up to the ledge; this time he focused on keeping his balance rather than on the grapes in the refrigerator.

  “Okay. Looks like I got it open, Woodchuck.”

  “Very good, Louis, you are now a certified thief. Once we get out of here I will present you with your award.”

  “I got it open!” Louis said his manner turning ecstatic. “There’s everything in here, chicken, cheeses, lunch meat!”

  “Stay focused, I need you focused, Louis. It’s the grapes first then the chicken or whatever you eat. Come on!” the groundhog yelled into the kitchen.

  Louis pulled the bowl of chicken when it fell on the floor. As if Louis hadn’t eaten in days, he began to devour the pieces of chicken.

  “You should come down off the ledge and get some of this chicken, Woodchuck.”

  “I’m a vegetarian and fruitarian.”

  “What’s a fruitarian, Woodchuck?” Louis asked.

  “It means I like only fruit. Now can we get on with your part of the deal?”

  “What’s the hurry? Wasn’t it you that said it was a feast in here? And boy, were you right.”

  The woodchuck scowled. “No, I didn’t! I said it was a fancy feast in there. Sometimes, if you want something done you have to do it yourself!” the woodchuck said, then jumped down off the ledge and into the kitchen.

  “I got it. We had a deal; you got me loose. So I am a dog of my word and I will get your grapes!” Louis said while he searched for grapes in the refrigerator. After throwing everything out onto the floor, Louis located the grapes at the back, on the second shelf. He pulled them out.

  The woodchuck began to drool. “Oh the grapes, the grapes, the grapes, the grapes! I can’t wait to get the grapes, the grapes, the grapes!”

  “Oh no, here we go again!”

  “Now wait just a woodchucking second, Mister. I gave you your moment while you were eating that…, that bird, so I need a moment as well!” the woodchuck said, grabbing the bag of grapes.

  “Can you handle that bag by yourself?” Louis asked, chuckling.

  “I’m not going to worry about that right now. I’m going to take me an eating break just like you!”

  The woodchuck grabbed a grape out of the bag and began eating it while Louis went back to eating one of the pieces of chicken that was still in the bowl.

  “You are right; this is a fancy feast in here!”

  “Well you should thank me not one time but twice. You are a free dog and from the looks of your greasy hairball of a mouth, looks like you are a full dog.”

  Getting carried away with their indulging they began to relax, so relaxed that the woodchuck lay against Louis’s stomach while Louis lay down comfortably in front of the refrigerator. Suddenly, they heard a key then the turn of the knob. They both looked at the door. The woodchuck thought to grab the bag of grapes then thought against that idea and stood behind Louis.

  “You got me into this mess, Louis, so you get me out of it!” the woodchuck said.

  “Me? What do you mean I got you into this mess when this whole thievery thing was your idea?”

  Before Louis could say anymore, the doorknob turned and the front door opened. In front of Edna’s eyes were muddy dog paw prints that tracked from outside, into the living room and all the way into the kitchen.

  “What in the world is gone on here? That animal is in my house? Dang Charles left that God blame window up again. But these tracks are from the front of the house!” With her bags in her hands Edna hurried from the small living room into the kitchen. Standing before her was Louis with the groundhog behind him. “What the heck you think you doing? How did you break the chain and get in my house and in my refrigerator?”

  Louis snarled. Edna dropped her grocery bags.

  “When I get my hands on you I am going to remove your head from your body and feed it to the birds. I hate you, dog!” Edna said right before she charged him. The woodchuck came out from behind Louis. Edna saw the woodchuck, the woodchuck saw Edna, The two of them made eye contact.

  “Whoa, a rat!” Edna yelled as she tumbled backward and fell.

  “Did she just associate me with those black things that have long skinny black tail?”

  “Yes, she did.”

  “Well, now listen; I have a plan that will get us out of here.”

  “You and your plans!” Louis said. “But since you’ve given me no other choice I’m all ears.”

  “Let’s get out of here, Louis.”

  Edna, of course, couldn’t understand their language, but laying there on her kitchen floor she understood very well that she hated Louis and she was fearful of rats, which she perceived the woodchuck to be. One of the items she bought was a can of cream corn. She picked it up and threw it in the direction of Louis and the woodchuck. They both scattered while Edna got back to her feet as the woodchuck ran toward her.

  “I am not a rat! How dare you insult me like that? I am a woodchuck and woodchucks rule!” he hollered, reaching for the hem of Edna dress but was met with a kick. “Take that, you stinking rat!”

  “Uggh!” the woodchuck screamed as he landed against the wall. “If not woodchuck, land beaver would have been suitable,” the woodchuck reto
rted, half dazed.

  “You come in my house and that rat…, I don’t know what the two of you are up to but when I’m done with you, dog, you going to wish you never got loose from that chain. I am going to finish what I started!”

  This time Louis didn’t wait for Edna to charge him with her big hands, he went at her first, pulling at her long dress then yanked it from side to side.

  “You stinky, dirty dog, let go of my dress!”

  “Woodchuck, I need you!” Louis yelled.

  The woodchuck shook himself, trying to shake loose the cobwebs, doing what he did best with what little he had. He ran up her leg, and leaped up on her hand. She swiped but the woodchuck was already halfway under the sleeve of her dress and up her arm. “You belligerent rat!”

  “I told you and I am done telling you that I am not a rat, I am a woodchuck! How would you like it if I called you a wildflower, a really big ugly wildflower?” the woodchuck groaned then bit into Edna’s neck.

  Louis still pulled and yanked on Edna’s dress until finally it ripped down its middle, revealing long shorts with pictures of green frog all over them. Louis stepped back, the woodchuck jumped down. As he beheld the sight of the green frog underwear, he began to laugh. But the way it looked to Edna was that the woodchuck was sick and was about to fall over in death.

  “Come on, Woodchuck, we have to go!”

  “This is just too hilarious. She looks … hilarious!”

  “Why you, ugly animal, I am going to get you both!”

  “Let’s go, we have to get out the window, Woodchuck!”

  Edna’s whole face was red, her hand open and clutching. She wiped the mud that got on her from the woodchuck off her neck and ran after Louis and the woodchuck.

  Louis, with some trouble, was able to jump out the window then behind him was the woodchuck. Caught up in the moment and the momentum of the chase, Edna reached out for the woodchuck and only clutched air.

  “I will get you yet, dog and rat!” she yelled, stretching two clutching hands outside of the window when she saw that Louis and the woodchuck had escaped out of her grasp. She pulled her hefty and sweaty body back into the small opening in the window. Nudging the top of the sill, Edna caused a slight move in the already feeble window pane, causing it to come down before she could get her wide body through the narrow space.

  “Louis, I am going to get you for this!” she yelled out.

  Louis and the woodchuck had not gained much ground by the time Edna was able to free herself from the window. But they were several blocks up the street, past several houses and were in an old high school baseball field.

  “Wait a second; slow down a minute, Louis.”

  “What do you mean? Slow down. We have to keep…”

  “The grapes!” the woodchuck interrupted.

  “Okay, what about them?” Louis said.

  “I ought to slap you one good time across your hair-stricken face, Louis, we went in the house of Miss Teffey-heavy not so you can say whatever about them, we went in for the grapes and your plan, your bright little plan, Mr. Brainy, was not for you to sit on your doggy parts, eat bird and then escape without my grapes,” the woodchuck yelled.

  “What is about you and these grapes, Woodchuck? Why is it so important to you? We was stuck right there in Edna’s house, she wanted our heads on a platter, but we are free. We got away. Can’t we take a moment to rejoice that we are free and we are no longer in the house?” Louis asked.

  “If I recall, Louis, last I check I was always unrestricted, not bound at all, unless you’re not counting the foxes, coyotes, hawks and whatever else is out here that want to eat me. But don’t try changing the subject. I am not done with you. And don’t walk away from me. You think you’re Mr. Goody-two- shoes since you’re chainless? Well, I will go back and get that chain and put it back around your neck,” the woodchuck said angrily. “No…, I won’t… Hey, Louis, wait up!” he yelled, when he realized Louis was running away.

  After she pulled herself out of the window, Edna found that her neck was stiff and she couldn’t move it from side to side without pain. “Dog gone it, that God blame window, I should have gotten it fixed a long time ago, and I wouldn’t feel like fifty thousand pounds just fell on my neck. Maybe I ought to go to the doctor. He can find out if that dog and rat caused any damage to my neck.”

  Edna contemplated not going but when she found the pain was unbearable she went.

  “Mrs. Edna, test shows that there has been no tear in your muscles or tendon but what I am showing is that the neck itself is sprained.”

  “That means take pain pills and call you in the morning?” Edna asked stupidly.

  “No that does not mean take pain pills and call me in the morning. It means you have a sprained neck, Mrs. Edna. The only way possible to get your neck back, is a neck brace. You see, it needs to be aligned, while it is healing the perfect way.” Edna looked at the doctor goggled-eyed. “Yes, that is correct, Mrs. Edna, a neck brace. We have three left, blue bird, pink butterfly, and last but not least this is my favorite, Johnny the cute puppy.”

  Edna’s face turned a lighter shade of pink at the sound of ‘Johnny the cute puppy’. She groaned under her breath. She sounded like a raving pit bull.

  “Are you alright, Mrs. Edna? If you want to wait for a better neck brace, we can. But I am not guaranteeing, by the time the plain one comes in, that your neck would have all the care it needs up until that point, without a neck brace. I am sorry if this causes any inconveniences, my apologies.”

  “No apologies. I will take the pink butterfly, Dr. Andy.”

  “Pink butterfly it is, Mrs. Edna.”

  While Dr. Andy walked out of his office to get Edna’s pink butterfly neck brace, the thoughts of Louis and the woodchuck began to press hard on her mind. She gave into the thought while looking into the mirror in Dr. Andy’s office. When I get my hands on you, dog, and I bet my bottom dollar on it I will, I am going to crush you like a butterfly. I don’t know how you broke the chain and how I had a rat in my house, but if I come across a rat again, any rat, I am going to stomp it to the ground like a butterfly.

  “Mrs. Edna?” Dr. Andy said, his voice showing concern.

  Edna turned toward Dr. Andy in a hurry as if he heard her thoughts. Her puzzled face of embarrassment for a moment overshadowed her whole reason for being at the doctor’s office until she saw what Dr. Andy held in his hand. From the look on his face, the doctor appeared embarrassed as well. He held the neck brace, but it wasn’t the one that Edna was expecting, it was the neck brace with the cute puppies on it.

  “I want to apologize, Mrs. Edna, but the only thing that we have left here is the neck brace with the puppies on it. I must say these puppies are really adorable. I really like them and…”

  “Give me that!” Edna yelled, snatching the neck brace out of Dr. Andy’s hand and walking out of his office.

  “And thank you, Mrs. Edna. Tell your husband I said hello!” he said with a smile.

  “One way or the other I will find you, Louis, and I will have my revenge, you will not get away with this you mangy mutt! Oh, my neck!” Edna yelled when she turned her head slightly to get into her car.

  In the part of town in Charlotte, North Carolina where people drive expensive cars, pay eighteen dollars for a single serving of mash potatoes without the gravy, and have pets who have their own heating and air conditioning unit in their own personal home, lived a married couple by the name of Elvin and Fannie Dalton who had a pet but without the extras of heating and air conditioning. Why would they? Their pet, a white longhaired cat, with light blue eyes and a streak of light gray that went up its tail to do what she wanted to do where she wanted to do it in the Dalton’s house. Her name was Molly, and to the Dalton’s, since they didn’t have any children, Molly was just like their daughter. They treated her like a daughter, fed her the best kind of cat food, never table food of any kind, taking her on trips whenever they went on trips. Even once,
Fannie bought a body dress for Molly, when she attended one of Elvin’s work dinners.

  “Oh, honey, you think that dress may be a little…”

  “A little what, Elvin?”

  “Well, Fannie, Molly is a cat not a little girl and I think she should be treated as such. I think putting a dress on a cat is going a little overboard, don’t you think?”

  “Absolutely not. And look, I think Molly understood you. She ran into the guest room. Molly, Molly, oh…, come to momma! Elvin, you have to have a little more sympathy and respect. Molly isn’t a human being like you and I, but she still has feelings that must be taken into consideration.”

  From that point, Elvin took in consideration Molly’s feelings so much that when he saw Fannie look out the glass door in the kitchen with tears streaming down her face, he walked behind her, and instead of dodging the problem, he asked, with an understanding voice: “You think we should tell her, Fannie?”

  She turned to him and kissed his lips.

  “I was waiting for you to get home and talk it over with you. I was wondering how you felt about it, Elvin. Look at her. She looks so happy swimming out there in the pool, almost as if she is human. She is so amazing.”

  “More like as if she owns it.”

  “What’s that, baby?” Fannie said, turning to Elvin as he poured a cup of ice tea.”

  “Oh nothing, baby. What I was thinking, in my honest opinion, is that we don’t tell her – if she actually knows what we talked about – then the old saying should apply to her as well,” Elvin said.

  “I don’t think I know that saying. What is it, Elvin?”

  “The ole saying is what we don’t know won’t hurt us, just like me, I was okay with the last piece of the vanilla cream pie being eaten by your mother, but when she told me she didn’t eat the last slice and that she didn’t eat any of it because it was gone before she got a piece, I came to the conclusion that you ate just about all that pie, Fannie. Not good if you are trying to diet.”

  Fannie didn’t have a reply to that until she squinted and turned back to the glass door. “So, are you mad at me, Elvin?”

  “Of course I am!”

  “You are?”

  “No. I was just joking. I am not mad at all. I just want to make sure you are happy with this situation. I think first thing tomorrow morning or a couple days from now, the sooner the better, but since it is your cat it’s your decision, we prepare to part way with the cat.”

  Fannie walked to the table and sat down with her husband. “Oh, Elvin, that is terrible. How in the world am I supposed to do that? Molly has been a part of this family for the last three years.”

  “Fannie, you have always figured things out. That’s one thing that I love so much about you, you always no how to figure things out, Fannie. You figured out after one year of dating, fifteen years ago, that you couldn’t live without me, so you married me. Remember that?” Elvin said.

  “Umm, no I don’t, Elvin.”

  “Now what I want to see on your face is that beautiful smile. I will be upstairs. Call me if you need me.”

  Minutes later, Molly got out of the pool, shook herself off, walked into the part of the house that blew out the most heat, which was the floor vent in the living room, and then climbed up on the couch where Fannie laid asleep.

  She laid there until she felt Fannie’s warm body begin to move. Fannie’s lips, that sloped down to one side and drooled, drew a smile when she felt Molly’s cute fur ball of a face snuggled up against her saliva-stricken cheek. “Aw, Molly, I love you so much!”

  “I love you much more, Fannie!” Molly said, but of course, all Fannie heard was a “meow, meow, and meow.”

  “I think tomorrow is going to be a pretty big day for the both of us, Molly. So I think we better get some sleep. That time will be here very quickly.”

  “What does she mean a very big day for the both of us? And why are there tears in your eyes. Is something wrong with Fannie? Who hurt you?” Molly asked her head turned to the side.

  Fannie gazed into Molly’s beautiful light blue eyes, as she held her in her arms and she stroked her head gently. Molly, after about four strokes and Fannie’s soothing words of I love you, and we are going to have so much fun together tomorrow, her pink unblemished tongue licked Fannie until she found herself nestled against Fannie’s chest, then fast asleep.

  The next morning the beautiful sounds of birds singing in Molly’s ears that she usually heard, and which motivated her to get up, weren’t there. And wasn’t there crying of some sort that Molly couldn’t quite pick up? Her eyes widened when she heard: “This is too hard for me, Elvin. I’m not sure if I can go through with this.”

  “Honey, you don’t have to. If you really want to cancel this, we can. But we both know what is going to happen down the road. It’s either now or waiting till down the road, and down the road may be a little harder.”

  Now wide awake and wondering what her owners were talking about, Molly stood up and stopped. She looked at her surroundings and to her amazement; she was sealed off from the world that she had been accustomed to for the last in three years.

  “Oh No! I’m in a kennel!” she said, terrorized now.