Forgetting Tabitha: An Orphan Train Rider

by Julie Dewey

Champagne for all was poured, Sonya took a glass of apple juice instead, somehow in a short time she had become part of our family as well.

  “We would like for you to stay here with us.” Pauli announced.

  “Yes, we can clean out my sewing room and set you up nicely in there, it would be wonderful!” Candy said as she clapped her hands together and stood to congratulate us.

  “That is a rather generous offer, but first I need to speak with Edna about our news. I am afraid I left rather suddenly.” It was evident that Mary was worried sick about Edna, her eyes pleaded with mine for an answer.

  “Let’s make sure you are well first, and then perhaps we can travel together, would that be easier dear?” Candy suggested we all travel to Binghamton, that way they could help give Mary courage in discussing her news and also meet her family. The atmosphere was sure to be strained and they would help.

  “You mean you would come with me? Golly, that is kind and generous, but I think I need to face my folks alone, maybe Scotty, you could come though?”

  “Of course, I will be right by your side.” I had so much to consider, so much to do and plan. I felt overwhelmed.

  The clock on the mantle told the family it was dinnertime, so they sat to the table and supped together on roasted chicken and potatoes. Candy had even made homemade rolls, and brownies for dessert.

  I watched Mary pick at her food and grew nervous at the thought of losing the baby. It didn’t seem she was eating enough and her ankles and calves were swollen.

  Later that evening, after Sonya had fallen asleep on the couch and Candy and Pauli were in the Shoppe organizing and straightening the wares for tomorrow, I approached them with my concerns.

  “Candy, is she okay? She is hardly eating and her ankles, did you see them?” Fear crept out of my mouth exposing my deepest concerns.

  “Sit, Scotty,” she faced me.

  “She needs rest, she hasn’t been to a doctor yet and I intend to see that she goes tomorrow. She is young and healthy otherwise so I feel certain she is okay. Edema can be more of a nuisance than anything in a pregnancy; she just may have to be off her feet more than some. We can help with that.”

  I felt a little better, “but why isn’t she eating, shouldn’t she be eating even more now?”

  “She is in the second trimester and her nausea is subsiding, things taste different during pregnancy, what she once loved she may cringe at now. Some pregnant women get by on milk and cookies alone, whatever she can stomach is fine. We just need to find what that is and make it available to her.”

  “Well she did like your brownies.” We laughed.

  “Can I ask you a personal question, it’s rather embarrassing?”

  “You don’t have to be embarrassed, Scotty, what is it?”

  “Well, I don’t want to hurt the baby if we….you know.” I couldn’t get out the words but Candy knew what I meant.

  “No it won’t hurt the baby, and it might even be good for Mary. I will speak to her about it too if you like.”

  “It’s just so good to be here with you, to have found you after all these years.”

  “You too, Scotty, we have missed you.”

  “I just don’t know how I’ll face Edna, they hate me.”

  “Who could ever hate you?” Candy stroked my hair and Pauli pulled up a chair.

  “Pap for one, and possibly Edna, for that matter the whole town if they think I caused harm to the Wright animals. Pap says if I loved Mary I would stay away, let her go, I will be unable to provide for her the way she is accustomed to living, and on that note he is right. She has grown up in a home full of furnishings and art, she has become far more cultured than I ever will and she is well educated. Do you know she wants to become a teacher? How can she be happy living as a farmer’s wife? I just don’t know what to do.” I explained to Pauli and Candy the situation with the Wright farm, the down payment necessary to buy in and become a farmer. Then I reiterated Pap’s concerns.

  “But she loves you, Scotty, she doesn’t love a banker or lawyer, she loves you as much for your history together as for the man you are today. Money doesn’t make a person happy, she would be miserable without you and now you have the child to think about.”

  “I realize that, that’s why I have to do something to make money and quickly. I can fight Vladimir. It pays just to get in the ring with him.”

  Pauli stood up. “Absolutely not, I won’t allow it. The man is a hulk and one punch to the head could leave you brain damaged and your child fatherless. That is out of the question.”

  On that note, Candy stood to take her leave. She wanted to check on Sonya before getting to bed herself.

  Pauli and I were left alone to talk.

  “There is another way.”

  “What’s that, Scotty?”

  “I hear a lot of talk about the gold rush in San Francisco. I could take my winnings and buy gear and a passage out west. It may be my big break; I could become a rich man and never be in anyone’s debt. Pap would have nothing to say then maybe that would be easier for Mary, she wouldn’t have to feel so torn then.”

  “Son, the gold rush is over, yes men are still heading west in hopes of finding a new stream to pan but practically speaking, it’s unreasonable.”

  “Maybe so, but I could get lucky, what do I have to lose? If I leave now, before the baby came and gave myself a year at most, I could be back to raise the child with Mary, hopefully a rich man. If not I would be no worse off than I am now. “

  “It’s a stretch, but you know nothing of gold mining, it’s not like you just stick your hand in a river and pull up nuggets of gold. Nothing in life is that easy. And you have a lot to lose, Mary and your child for starters, or your life, thousands of men have died trying to strike it rich.”

  “A few fellas at the tavern are going, they are taking rolls to sleep on, a few pots and pans to cook with and use for sifting and the rest they plan to purchase along the way. It’ll be easier to travel light. They talked of needing shovels, picks, axes, saws, rope, maybe even wheelbarrows and knives, of course a gun would be necessary too. They are gonna pan at first and save up for a cradle or sieve.”

  “Hmmm, sounds like they know a little bit about it, but, son, everyone is dropping everything and hoping for a quick fix, easy money, and, Scotty, that’s just not the way it works for most people. You know that.”

  “Maybe, Pauli, just maybe now is my chance for a little luck, especially with the baby coming.”

  “Are you going to talk to Mary about it? You already know what she’s going to say.”

  “That’s why I am not telling her, and neither are you. Not a word to Candy either. They’d tie me to a chair to make sure I stayed put.”

  “I wouldn’t blame them. I just don’t think it’s the right thing to do, not now; Mary needs you. If you leave now it gives Pap more ammunition against you, can’t you see that?”

  “All I know is that man equates worthiness with money. He will never give me his blessing to marry his daughter as I am now. He will challenge me for the rest of my life and that’s not fair to Mary.”

  “I suppose that’s true, but what if you stay here in New York with us, raise your family here, be a part of our business. It does very well, we have a place to live and money left over for a few niceties every now and then.”

  “Pauli, while that is generous and kind, Mary and I talked about this, she wants to raise her family in the country. She has grown to love it, and so have I.”

  “Sleep on it, ok? Don’t do anything rash, give me a chance to think a little and see if I can’t come up with another idea.” Pauli scratched his thinning hair, deep in thought over my situation.

  I hugged my surrogate father before heading upstairs to my fiancé, who was positively glowing. She lay naked waiting for me, “What took you so long?” Mary asked, before I crawled under the covers with her one last time before taking my leave and heading west. I would leave a note, explaining myself to Mary, begging her for forgivene
ss at my sudden departure.

  Chapter 22 Gert

  The atmosphere in the house was strained. Agitation emanated from Sarah’s unsteady fingers as she dressed my wounds and ministered to me. Before entering my room she spoke in hushed tones to Edna outside my doorway, attempting to soothe her sister’s distress, this much I was able to ascertain. I worried their conversation had something to do with me; perhaps they had finally tired of caring for me. I was becoming a burden, I needed to get well and out from under foot. My mind was a hindrance; unable to cite any previous occupations or skills I had, I was born again. But I had no idea what I liked, what I enjoyed, what I would or should fill my days and time with. It was apparent I had little to no family, or I suspect they would have come to call by now, claiming me with their love and nursing me back to health in my own homestead. No, that didn’t occur and the ladies were tight lipped about my past.

  I studied my reflection in the looking glass the ladies lent me as if seeing myself for the first time. I noted my upturned nose and wide almond shaped eyes. I had larger than average ear lobes with several holes for adornments, a pointy chin and set of dimples. I had all my teeth, albeit they were yellowing. Feature by feature I was not much to look at but all together I would say I had an exotic look, which made me wonder about my heritage. The only thing with any familiarity was the brevity of my name, Gert. It was crisp like the first bite into a tart apple. I recognized ‘Gert’ the same way an adult retrieves a memory from childhood, it is there, but clouded over and hard to reach. My past evaded me, and my future eluded me, it was a terrifying predicament. A tingling in my toes and shins set in, working its way up my torso, down my arms, causing a numbing in my limbs. My breath became rapid, as true fear took over my physical being. I wiped at the sweat beads on my forehead and tried to settle myself. Panic was taking over and I felt the need to run. But to where?

  I must gather my things and get out of this house. The women were generous and kind but I didn’t belong here. They discussed bringing a psychotherapist from out of state to see me; perhaps he could help me through my bout of amnesia with hypnotherapy. This frightened me to no end, I objected, exclaiming I just needed more time. I needed to be up and around and surely then things would jog my memory. My wounds were healing nicely, the tender area around my privates was the most difficult to heal, but I sat long enough on ice packs that the swelling was no longer a problem and the stitches were finally able to stay in place and do their job. The salve helped as well, it was cooling and always soothing. The ladies did their best to be discreet when tending to my private areas, always keeping me covered, careful not to expose me any more than necessary. I grew used to their soft touches and caresses, as they washed my body, then patted me dry, all the while speaking encouraging words to me.

  I had never seen the women rattled, and swore Edna had been crying before she entered my room to care for me this day. Her eyes were red and puffy, and she had a look of concern and utter sadness.

  “Edna, are you okay?” I asked my throat feeling back to normal.

  “Darling, Gert, don’t you worry about me, let’s just get you better, dear.” She filled the basin with water and set about my bath.

  “But you look so sad, is it me?” I prayed I was not the culprit.

  “Oh heavens no!” Edna put her hand across her ample chest before continuing.

  “My daughter seems to be in some trouble, I am afraid I just don’t know how to help her.”

  “I wish I could help, Miss Edna, you have all shown me such kindness.” Edna’s sadness was overwhelming.

  “Well perhaps you will forgive me if I am not able to tend you in the next few days, I am afraid I may be doing some traveling. My daughter, she has gone to New York City….” Edna began whimpering, but wiped her nose with a hanky and continued. “She has gotten herself with child and has gone in search of the father.” She confided in me.

  “Oh dear, I see.” What a predicament, I thought her daughter was my age given the way she spoke of her.

  Edna told me about Mary and Scotty and confessed that she didn’t understand why Pap was so against their love. She thought Scotty was a good boy; he just needed a little compassion given his situation.

  “I completely understand Edna, it’s about time I get on my own two feet and start a life anyway I just don’t know where to begin.”

  “Has Edmund been to see you yet?” Edna asked.

  “No, Sarah suggested we wait a bit longer.”

  “Edmund is your very good friend. I know you don’t remember anything, but perhaps he will be able to help. We have kept him away until you healed a bit more. He was one of the people that found you and it was quite distressing for him.”

  “Oh, I see. I should think I would like to meet this Edmund, why yes, perhaps he can help to jog my memory!”

  “Very well, after your rest today, we shall dress you properly and allow him to visit.”

  I was smitten with the notion that I had a friend, someone out there who knew me from before! I simply couldn’t rest for the thought of him. I tossed and turned until I could take it no more. I glanced at my wounds; the scarring had already begun and I wondered who could love someone like me now?

  A gentle knock came at my door several hours later, I was eager, and dressed in more than my undergarments so that I could accept a visitor. I wore a purple dress, with Spanish lace at the neckline and along the sleeves; the ladies said this color looked lovely with my brown eyes.

  “Come in,” I bid Edmund to come in and prayed for a spark of my memory to come back.

  “Hello, Gert.” Edmund took off his top hat and placed it on my bedside table before reaching out to hold my hands.

  The lad before me did not look familiar at all. He was quite handsome however and looked to be about my age.

  “I am terribly sorry, Edmund is it? But I am afraid I don’t remember you.” I desperately searched my mind for any flicker of a memory, but it was barren.

  “I like to think I was your very best friend, however I don’t blame you in forgetting me, I do believe the amnesia is meant to serve a purpose, do you not? Perhaps it is meant to protect you; it was quite traumatic what you endured.”

  “I suppose I hadn’t thought of it that way, but why would I wish to forget my entire life? Can you help me put the pieces together, tell me who I was, what I did, what things I loved, my favorite color?”

  “I don’t see how it would hurt; your favorite color was yellow, not a butter yellow, but a bright canary yellow. You had a beautiful straw bonnet with yellow gingham ribbon on it; I believe it was your favorite.” He told her his first in a series of lies, describing her life as an innocent youth, not wishing to shame her with recollections of all the men she serviced.

  “Yellow, indeed. Please do go on, Edmund, did I have a favorite activity, any other friends perhaps?” I was greedy for any tidbits that could jog my memory.

  “You adored reading, even read to me on occasion, your favorite books were Little Women and Emma, and you held the women in these novels with high regard.” The truth was she never read to Edmund and had most likely never heard of these novels. But the lying continued, he painted for her a cultured and devout life, telling her she was an educated woman who adored museums, volunteering and tending those less fortunate. He fed the flame telling her she focused on the needs of the hungry and destitute and barely had time for social functions and making friends of her own. He elaborated how this distressed her family. They admired her devotion but wanted to see her courting and married in a few years. And yes, she had many suitors, but you see we have, or had rather, a certain affinity for one another. He held her hand tighter when telling this particular lie, searching her eyes for a spark.

  “You look tired; perhaps I should leave now and come back tomorrow. We have nothing but time, you must get well and strong in order to continue your work,” Edmund said with concern.

  “Please do not go, Edmund, stay here with me, I have so many unanswered
questions and I fear they take over my mind and make it difficult to breathe. I am so overcome.” I began weeping quietly, but Edmund held me to him, begging my forgiveness for telling me too much too soon.

  “This is what my mother and aunt were afraid of, you’ve been through a trial, Gert, no one wants to recount it for you.”

  Edmund held me for a moment longer, before tucking me neatly in bed to rest some more. I imagined my life as he described but felt no connection to it.

  “Visit me tomorrow?” I asked.

  “Certainly, I will; until then.” He kissed my hand and left me feeling mesmerized.

  The following day couldn’t come soon enough, I was dressed and waiting for Edmund by mid-morning. Sarah bathed me and brushed my hair, parting it on the side and pulling it into a tight bun, loose tendrils curled at the sides. It looked rather nice, this hairstyle, I admired it and my new navy dress and felt confidant.

  When Edmund came I assaulted him with a barrage of questions.

  “One at a time!” He admonished me. “I will do my best, but today I wondered if you might be up for some fresh air?”

  “Why yes indeed, that would be rather nice.” My ribs were feeling much better now and my legs, that threatened to develop bedsores, could use the exercise. I bent to put on my shoes and winced from the pain felt both in my ribcage and wounds. Edmund could read the pain in my eyes and bent on his knees, gathering and placing my shoes on my feet.

  Sarah lent me her yellow parasol and together Edmund and I went out into the bright morning sun.

  “You called me Eddie, it was your pet name for me, I suppose.” He was a good head taller than me, gently flowing hair, very handsome and gentle.

  “Did you like it?” I teased.

  “I did, in fact. And we walked along this pathway many times, sitting at the water’s edge, feeding the ducks our leftover ice cream cones.”

  “What flavor did I get?”

  “Oh you never strayed too far from chocolate with jimmies.”

  We walked past the grocer’s and tavern, nothing looked familiar to me, but I caught many people glancing my way as we continued on.