by Eden Finley
I rubbed my eyes with the ball of my palms. It was going to take more than words and a roll in the sack to come back from what I did to her.
Her gentle hand cupped the side of my face. “I don’t think it’s a good idea for us to start something when you’re going through so much. Like you said—”
“I’ve been denying myself of you because I believed sex and relationships always turned to shit. I was scared of losing you. I was scared of you hurting me. It’s taken me way too long to get to this place, but now I’m here, I’m all in, and I’m ready for everything. I understand that’s probably crazy to you. You didn’t have some switch flip like I did. But—”
Her fingers went to my mouth to stop me from talking. “I never had a switch flip because I’ve wanted you since the day I met you.”
I kissed her fingers and then moved my lips to her palm and then wrist. I needed this. I needed her.
She pulled away. “Gage … I can’t. I’ll come to Virginia with you, and I will be there for you, but I can’t be with you in that way unless you’re in it for real this time. With your dad being sick, and everything else going on with your hometown, you’re not in the right state of mind to be able to commit to anything. I can wait. I’ve been waiting for seven years.”
I’d commit to her in a heartbeat, but my action held consequences, and mine lost me her trust. I was in a shit headspace, true, but I knew what she and I could have was worth proving to her that I was all in.
My shoulders sagged, and my eyes closed tight. “I understand.”
“I’m not saying no. Just not right now. We’ll take things slow.”
Whatever she was willing to give me, I’d take. “Can I stay with you tonight? Not sex. Just sleep. I … I need you.”
“I’ll give you anything you want.” Her hand cradled my scruffy cheek. “But I have to protect my heart for a while.”
She brought her forehead to mine. We’d get through the next few weeks the way we always did—pretending we didn’t have feelings for each other. After that, I wasn’t going to let her off the hook so easily.
9
- PIP -
Something started to go wrong on the trip to the States, but I didn’t know what it was. I didn’t want to worry Gage, so I didn’t say anything, but it was exhausting remaining unfazed, because the truth was, my back wouldn’t stop cramping, my stomach felt queasy, and then when I went to the bathroom on the flight from LA to Chicago, there was spotting.
Now, at O’Hare Airport awaiting our last flight, I snuck into the bathroom with my phone. International charges were going to be a bitch, but I needed advice from someone who’d been pregnant before.
Reece answered with a sleepy croak. “Are you forgetting there’s a time difference and I’m an old married lady who’s in bed at nine p.m. now? Not to mention, Elliot is getting his molars and driving both Spence and I crazy with waking up at all hours in pain.”
“Sorry, it’s kind of an emergency,” I said. “How do you know if you’re having a miscarriage?”
“What?” she screeched.
“What’s with the yelling?” Spencer’s muffled voice came through the phone.
“Nothing,” Reece said. “Go back to sleep.”
“Something feels … off.” I rubbed my stomach. “I dunno. I’m bleeding and—”
“Okay, time to get totally TMI on me. Is it bright red or brown? Is there a lot or a little?”
“It’s just spotting but it’s bright red.”
“Cramping?” she asked.
“Yes. And back pain.”
“I’ll call you back.” She hung up.
That doesn’t help, Reece!
I stared at my phone for a good couple of minutes, and when I was about to give in and call her back, it vibrated in my hand. “What was that about?”
“I called my ex-brother-in-law, the OB. He said with it being so early, there’s nothing you can do if it is a miscarriage, but your symptoms don’t necessarily mean that’s what’s happening. He said unless you’re bleeding enough to fill a pad in only a few hours that there’s no need to panic. Buy a few home pregnancy tests to ease your mind, and make sure you get some rest.”
“So don’t panic?” I asked. “Do I call Garrett and Blair?”
“They’ll only worry,” Reece said.
That was a phone call I did not want to make. It would’ve been heartbreaking for all of us if we lost this baby. To have been promised what they’d always wanted and then have it ripped away from them.
“Only call if you know something is happening,” Reece said when I didn’t answer her. “Right now, it might be symptoms of pregnancy.”
“Thank you.”
“How’s Gage going?” Her tone was sympathetic but also part protective. She was looking out for me, because she saw what Gage walking away did to me.
“He’s … fine. Or, so he says. I know better.”
“Gage has been fighting demons since we met him,” she said. “I still don’t know what they are, but I hope—”
“I know. I hope he can get past it too. I have to go, babe.” I couldn’t talk to her about this and go back out there to him all emotional.
When I found Gage at the waiting area near our gate, he cocked his head. “You okay?”
I faked a smile. “Of course. Long line.”
“Ready to get back in the air?” he asked, and I gave an unsure nod.
Only one more flight and the rest of the trip would be filled with sitting on Gage’s dads’ sofa—just what the doctor ordered. My body needed rest. Maybe it was all the travelling.
I crashed on the flight from Chicago to Roanoke—confused by all the time zone changes and exhausted from worry and feeling sick.
Gage woke me on descent. “Hon, you need to wake up. We’re almost there.” His voice was monotone and empty.
I sat up straighter, but it took everything in me not to fall back asleep. Gage wrapped his arm around me for as long as he could, but the longer I stayed awake, the dizzier and sicker I felt.
By the time the plane hit the tarmac, I was trying not to spew. Didn’t planes have spew bags in their seat pockets anymore?
“You okay?” Gage asked.
“Need fresh air.”
I managed to make it all the way to the arrivals gate where Joel was waiting for us. That was when I couldn’t hold it in anymore.
“Pip, honey, you look—” Joel started.
My eyes darted around and located the closest bathroom. My legs worked overtime getting there, and I made it just in time to drop to my knees with my head in the bowl.
As I dry retched and brought up what I could, someone stepped behind me. “Are you okay?”
I waved the woman off. “Morning sickness.” I hoped it was morning sickness. Vomiting was a good sign, right? Logic told me if there was something wrong with the baby, my symptoms would’ve disappeared.
“Can I get someone for you?” the voice asked.
I vomited again with a grunt. My throat burned. When I caught my breath, I said, “There’s a guy out there. He’s a giant. Six-five and bulky. He’ll be standing with a shorter, older, blond man. Tell them I’ll be right out.”
“Hang in there. I remember from when I had my kids. I don’t envy you at all.” Her voice sounded tinny in my ears. My whole body was racked with shivers.
I kept replaying what Reece’s OB said. Unless I was bleeding heavily, the baby should’ve been fine.
“Pip?” Gage said.
My head shot up. “You’re in the women’s bathroom.”
“Don’t care.” He kneeled behind me. “You okay?”
“You can’t be in here,” a voice said behind us.
“My girlfriend is sick,” he said.
Not girlfriend. Could be girlfriend? And I thought our relationship was hard to define before. I didn’t have the energy to fight about it in this moment. “I’m fine. I think I can stand.” We needed to get out of there before security was called. That would be all
Gage needed as soon as he landed back in Virginia—to be arrested for being in the female toilets.
I wobbled on my feet, but we managed to get me outside and sitting in a chair.
Joel approached, lugging our bags. “You okay, hon?”
“I think so.” I turned to Gage. “Could you maybe go find a pregnancy test somewhere?”
Gage’s brow furrowed, while Joel’s shot up in surprise.
“I think there might be something wrong with the baby, and I called Reece when we were in Chicago this morning. She said to buy a pregnancy test to ease my mind.”
“Pregnant?” Joel asked. “B-baby?” He looked at my flat stomach and then back up to my face.
“It’s not mine,” Gage said. “Not hers for that matter. I’ll see what I can find.” He stormed off.
Shit.
“What?” Joel asked, but Gage was already gone.
“I’m Garrett and Blair’s surrogate. It’s still early, but something doesn’t feel right.”
Joel dropped to his knees and held my hand. “Can I get you anything? Water or …”
“There’s a bottle of water I got on the plane in my carry-on.” After a few sips and some deep breaths, I felt a little better.
Gage came back. “They don’t have anywhere here that sell pregnancy tests. We’ll stop by a pharmacy on the way home.”
“Okay, let’s go,” I said.
“It’s about an hour and a half in the car,” Gage said. “You going to be okay?”
“I think so.”
Gage volunteered to sit in the back of Joel’s truck. “Odie, can you pull into a store close by? Better buy the pregnancy tests outside of town.”
Joel pulled up to something called Walgreens—whatever the hell that was. Gage ran in and a few minutes later brought out a bag full of tests. There were at least ten boxes.
“Overkill?” I asked.
“Well, until we find out why you’re feeling sick, it’s better to ease your mind about it, right?”
“Right.”
That was all we got out of Gage for the entire trip to Westbumfuck. The longer we sat in the car, the more withdrawn he became. He stared out his window and didn’t join the conversation with Joel and me. After an hour, we gave up trying to include him.
Joel said “Home sweet home” to a sign that read “Welcome to Clarion.”
“I thought you were from Westbumfuck?” I said.
Gage snorted. “Wait, did you really think there was a real place called Westbumfuck?”
“Oh.”
Joel laughed at me.
“I always thought it was an unfortunate name,” I said. “And I guess it makes sense as to why I couldn’t find it on Google. I thought I was spelling it wrong.”
Gage laughed hard, and I got the impression it’d be the last time I’d hear it for a while.
Gage’s dads’ house was a cute brick single storey with a three-foot brick fence on either side of the driveway.
“It’s charming,” I said.
“If you say so,” Gage mumbled from behind me. “Let’s get inside before anyone sees us. Odie, can you get the bags?”
“Of course,” Joel said.
Gage was out of the car and through the front door before Joel and I had even moved.
“I’m sorry about him,” Joel said. “This place—”
“He explained the situation. I don’t think I’d want to be here either if I were him. But he needs to say goodbye to his dad.”
Joel sucked in a sharp breath. He appeared as bone tired as Gage, with massive bags under his eyes.
I reached over and squeezed his arm. “Are you dealing okay?”
“Don’t worry about me, sweetheart.”
“Well, if I don’t, who will? Gage is too distracted.”
His hand covered mine. “I’m glad he has you.”
“You have me too, you know. My dad died when I was younger, and I lost Mum a few years ago. Gage is the only family I have, and you, Sean, and Tony are the only family he has. I’m here for you and Sean as much as I am for Gage.”
Joel turned away from me as he whispered, “Thank you.”
10
- GAGE -
Dad’s skin was even more pale than when I saw him last, and it’d been less than a week. He didn’t respond to my presence and had a distant stare in his eyes.
“Dad?” I took the seat next to his bed and reached for him. His forearm was icy under my fingertips. “Here. We’ll put a blanket over you.”
His gaze travelled to mine, slowly. “I’m sorry,” he rasped.
“What for?”
“For bringing you back here.”
“Dad, I wouldn’t have let you … I wouldn’t have missed this.” I didn’t want to be here for numerous reasons, but I knew I had to be here, or I’d regret it when he was gone.
He shook his head, or tried to. It was the subtlest of movements. “I regret not keeping you in Australia when you were a kid.”
“Then you wouldn’t have Odie, and—”
“But you wouldn’t have to hide whenever you came to visit. I’m a selfish father, and I did wrong by you.”
Shit just got real, and tears pooled in my eyes. “Dad, that is so bullshit. The people of this town are to blame for my issues. Not you, and definitely not Odie. You think you would’ve been happy alone? Or that there aren’t bigoted people in Australia who’d probably pull the same thing? I hate to say this, and I mean no offence, but I don’t know if we would’ve survived each other if it weren’t for Odie. He’s the level-headed one of us all. You and I are … explosive.”
Dad laughed but it turned into a cough. He was so weak he couldn’t lift his hands to his mouth. The cough turned to vomiting.
“Shit, Dad.” I grabbed the bedpan—which was empty, thankfully, and tried to catch the spew. Second time today I dealt with someone else’s vomit. Still a winning day over any others I’d had in this town.
Odie came through the door and rushed over. “I’ve got this,” he said. “Go help Pip. I think she’s in more pain than she’s letting on.”
Pip held onto her stomach as she walked with a limp. I rushed to her side to help. “I’m okay,” she said. “Your dad needs more help than me. I just need to lie down.”
“Odie’s got it.” I helped her down the hall. “Do you need a spew bucket too?”
She shook her head. “Bed.”
I led her to my room instead of the guest room, because sleeping next to her last night was the only time I’d slept longer than an hour at a time since Dad’s diagnosis. She collapsed onto the bed, and I climbed in behind her, spooning her.
“Can I get you anything?” I asked.
“Just sleep for now. You should go be with your dad.”
“I’ll wait until you fall asleep,” I whispered.
It didn’t take long at all. Her breathing practically evened out before I’d finished my sentence.
“Gage!” Odie’s voice sent shivers down my spine.
I ran out to the living room as fast as I could to find Odie at Dad’s bedside with tears streaming down his face.
“Is he—” I choked out and held my breath.
Dad coughed. Thank God.
Odie wiped his nose with the back of his hand. “I think the pneumonia is back.”
A few weeks ago, we thought it was the end when Dad was hospitalised with pneumonia. They told us when he was diagnosed that it would most likely be a secondary infection that’d kill him. But the antibiotics worked, and he was released to come back home. That was the reason we thought it was okay for me to go back to Australia for a few days. He’d just gotten through pneumonia. He wasn’t ready to let go yet. It was also the reason I had to go home for Pip. I hadn’t handled the hospital well, and I knew I couldn’t say my final goodbyes without Pip there for support.
“We have to get him back to the hospital,” I said.
“No,” Dad rasped. “No … hospital.”
Odie and I stared at each other, as
if having a telepathic conversation.
We should take him anyway.
It’s not what he wants.
I’m not ready for him to die.
But he is.
No doubt, all these thoughts were running through Odie’s mind too.
Odie cleaned up the mess while I sat by Dad’s side.
“You’re wrong, Dad,” I whispered, going back to our original conversation. He looked asleep, so he probably couldn’t hear me, but I hoped he could. He couldn’t die thinking he’d fucked me up by raising me. That was the small-mindedness of this stupid town getting to him. I heard the whispers growing up and saw the odd stares as we’d walk down the street as a family. The grand old debate those nutty people liked to bring up that a same-sex couple shouldn’t raise kids. Why? Because straight couples could do it so much better? Look at Lucy—she turned out a real winner with two hetero people raising her. Although, they’d probably condone her infidelity as the right thing to do because it was against me.
Lucy and her family poisoned this town against me. Not my dads. It was Lucy and Jason who made me want to forgo relationships and having friends.
Betrayal stung, and they were the worst offenders. Dad and Odie were the ones to pick up the pieces of my shattered heart.
“I love you, Dad. The only thing I would change about my life is not having the balls to come home more often to see you. If I knew …” Tears streamed down my face. “If only I knew …”
Arms came around from behind as Odie hugged me. “He doesn’t blame you,” he whispered.
“He blames himself, and he shouldn’t.”
“It’s the morphine. He was talking about your mom when I told him you’d gone back to Australia for a few days, and he hasn’t spoken about her in years. He’s out of it. He doesn’t know what he’s saying.”
