Evie’s Little Black Book

by Hannah Pearl

  I kissed his throat and started to unbutton the top I’d only just done up for him. My heart was beating so hard he could probably hear it. He groaned and this time I did stop. I climbed off him and stood next to the bed.

  ‘I’m sorry,’ I said. ‘I didn’t mean to hurt you.’ I wanted to look at him but I couldn’t bring myself to meet his eyes.

  He took my hand. ‘You didn’t,’ he assured me. ‘We don’t need to stop. Hell, I’d risk breaking my other arm to kiss you again.’

  I reached down and picked up my handbag. ‘I’d better go,’ I told him. ‘You need to rest.’

  ‘I’ll see you soon,’ Jake told me. ‘You can come and visit me and sign my cast.’ I nodded but still didn’t look at him. ‘Evie, it’s okay,’ he said. I glanced at him and saw that there was a ghost of a smile on his face.

  I nodded at him again, and left.

  Chapter Fifteen

  I was tired to my bones when I got home, but even as I fetched a pillow and blanket and made myself a nest, I knew I would hardly sleep. It had nothing to do with being on the sofa instead of in my bed. More, it was because every time I closed my eyes I had images of Jake: the first time I saw him, surrounded by the chaos of his attempt at cooking, he’d been the calm in the eye of a storm, and utterly gorgeous; and then as he looked when I left him, injured, but peaceful, and still breathtakingly beautiful.

  I thought about how it had felt to kiss him. The kiss we’d shared in Dublin had been playful, teasing almost. He had claimed to be helping me out in my mission. I put yesterday’s kiss down to me reassuring myself that he was really all right after the scare. I tried not to think about how good it had felt to be pressed against him, or how much he had seemed to be enjoying it too. I needed to be more careful around him, maybe try and give myself a bit more space until I had completed my mission and worked out for myself where I’d been going wrong in my relationships. Jake was amazing, so caring and thoughtful. I didn’t know whether he had any feelings for me and, if he did, whether he was ready to explore them now that the shock of the accident had passed but I didn’t want to risk messing up again if it had signified more.

  I reached under the sofa and drew out my notebook. After Rob I’d had a bit of a dry spell. I had been so angry with myself that for six months I hadn’t gone near another man. Eventually though, I’d folded. My mum had no idea why I had been a bit flat, but she had clearly decided to do something about it. She told Matt that he was taking me with him when he went out, and so he did, but under protest and so I spent the evening nursing a pint whilst he flirted shamelessly with any girl who looked at him twice.

  Eventually Matt found someone willing to take him home. He asked George to make sure I got back safely, and off he went. I’d told George that I’d be perfectly safe walking by myself, but he pointed out that Matt would be pissed off if he didn’t do what he had been asked. I found myself tussling over the emotions inside. I was still attracted to George, why wouldn’t I be? He was six foot of testosterone. Black hair and eyes the colour of chocolate with a washboard stomach from playing so much sport. I wasn’t sure who would protect me from being with him. I didn’t think I would be able to stop myself.

  I was angry with myself for using him last time and, despite his reputation with women, it had very much been me leading the way when I’d slept with him. But in a funny way, I also cared about him. He’d been so tender, and he hadn’t pushed me into anything, in fact, quite the opposite, he’d been almost surprised that I’d wanted to and had asked me if I was sure so many times in the end I’d told him to stop talking and start doing it already. The lack of conversation afterwards may not have been ideal, but I’d been more than a willing partner.

  So as we walked, I wasn’t surprised when he reached for my hand. We hadn’t talked since, and I’d deliberately not spent as much time at home, but, as always, once you’ve broken through a barrier it is harder to go back. As we reached the corner of my road he pulled me against him and kissed me.

  ‘The first time isn’t always that much fun,’ he told me.

  ‘You’re telling me,’ I said. ‘You were very gentle, but, yeah, it was a bit sore the next day.’

  ‘I’m sorry,’ he said, letting his hands glide over my backside.

  ‘It’s okay,’ I reassured him. ‘And it wasn’t your fault. You were very sweet to me.’

  ‘Has it been better for you since then?’ he asked.

  I took a deep breath and wondered what to tell him, but there was no point lying. He was a close enough friend that I wanted to tell him the truth, plus I knew he would never tell anyone. He’d never be able too because Matt would have killed him.

  ‘I haven’t slept with anyone else,’ I said.

  ‘Let me show you how much better it can be.’

  I nodded, and led him to my house and upstairs to my bed. He was right, the second time was better. I was more relaxed, and it didn’t sting this time. It wasn’t earth moving good, but it was fun. Afterwards George got up and started to get dressed.

  ‘Why did you come back with me?’ I asked him as he reached for his pants.

  ‘I wanted you to know how good sex can feel,’ he said, pulling his T-shirt back over his head.

  ‘But why show me?’ I asked, watching him.

  ‘You seemed upset, I wanted to cheer you up.’ As if everyone used sex where a hug might have sufficed.

  ‘Matt would be furious if he knew,’ I said, reaching for my own nighty.

  ‘I wasn’t planning to tell him,’ George said with a grin, ‘and I’d appreciate it if you didn’t either.’

  ‘No fear,’ I said. ‘I don’t want to see him kill you any more than you do. But knowing how much it would piss him off, why did you sleep with me?’ I knew I shouldn’t ask. The answer might well be as simple as that I was female and willing. I was certain that it wouldn’t be any declarations of undying love.

  ‘These things happen sometimes,’ he said. It was a cop out answer. It had happened because we had made it happen.

  ‘Why do you do it, knowing how much it would upset your brother?’ he asked me, sitting back on my bed and holding his trousers in his hand.

  That question made me pause for a while as I tried to think how best to answer. ‘I wouldn’t want to upset Matt,’ I told him, ‘but equally the fear of that isn’t strong enough to stop me. I wanted to do something just for myself. I see him do that all the time. And I feel safe with you. We’ve known each other long enough.’

  ‘I won’t hurt you,’ George said, looking me in the eye, ‘but I also won’t make any promises I can’t keep. This is what it is.’

  ‘I figured that out,’ I assured him. ‘And I’m old enough to know what I’m doing.’

  ‘You’re very pretty,’ he said, tucking a strand of hair behind my ear.

  ‘I’m not,’ I replied. ‘You’ve seen Charmaine. I don’t have the legs or the boobs.’

  ‘She’s eye-catching,’ George said, and I knew that if he said any more about her I’d have to kill him myself, ‘but don’t put yourself down. You should be sure of yourself. You’re easy to talk to. I like how you listen to me. Some guys really dig the quiet ones too, you know.’

  ‘Do you?’ I asked, then realised that I was straying dangerously close to the line of what it was okay to expect of him.

  ‘Sometimes,’ he said, grinning at me. ‘I like a lot of different types of women.’ That was an understatement. I suspected that Matt and George had very few types of women they didn’t like. ‘But you know what I find most attractive of all in women?’ he asked me.

  I shook my head, wondering whether he’d be offended if I’d answered with my first response of a vagina and a pulse.

  ‘Confidence,’ he said. ‘Seeing women who know what they want and aren’t afraid to get it.’

  I snorted and he continued. ‘I don’t just mean in bed, though I’d be lying if I said that I turn down women who know what they want and who come on to me to get it. I just mean that yo
u’re a bright girl, you’re cute, don’t hide it away. If you want people to notice you, you have to show them that you have something worth noticing.’

  I’d gone back to college with a renewed sense of confidence after that little pep talk. George may not have wanted to commit to me, but he always left me feeling as though I was worthy of someone else’s attention. Perhaps that was why I was always drawn back to him.

  I finished reading the page and tucked the notebook back under the sofa just as Alice came bursting in to the room. She jumped up beside me, squashing my legs. I groaned and reached up to tickle her.

  ‘Let Evie wake up gently,’ Bea called from the doorway.

  ‘It’s okay, I’m up,’ I assured her. ‘I’ll make us some coffee,’ I said, getting up.

  Chapter Sixteen

  Four more days and I would be on summer break. It was so close now that I was starting to find it as hard to concentrate as my students did. My thoughts drifted back to the weekend. Jake had been released on the Sunday and Bea had picked him up and taken him home to recover. I’d babysat Alice and had dashed away as soon as they’d returned. I’d claimed that Jake had needed to rest, but the truth was I wasn’t sure what to say to him about the kiss.

  I spent a fraught hour trying to get my year nine group to understand the subtext of Animal Farm. I thought it was finally sinking in, until one lad asked me why if the animals could talk they hadn’t simply gone on TV. I tried to hide my groan but I think they were as relieved as I was when the bell rang.

  I spent another hour trying to talk to my year sevens about the difference between nouns, verbs and adverbs. By the end of the session I think one kid had got it, several were so bored that they’d had a long debate about the merits of various contestants on the X Factor, despite my best attempts to keep them interested, and I was no longer sure I knew or cared what the terms meant either.

  I should have stayed after school and tidied the classroom. Thankfully this close to the holidays I didn’t have the usual weight of marking and planning to do, so I felt less guilty about ducking out at four o’clock and walking home. Once back in my flat, I treated myself to a long soak in a bubble bath. Despite being so close to the holidays, it still felt odd to wear pyjamas before dinner, so instead I found a little deep green cotton summer dress that floated around my knees, and put that on.

  I had my head stuck in the freezer trying to think what I should have for dinner when my mobile rang. The caller display said that it was Bea, so I answered, only to nearly drop the phone when Jake’s voice greeted me instead.

  ‘Sorry, did I make you jump?’ he asked. He must have heard the sharp intake of breath I had taken. ‘We’re having a takeaway and wondered if you wanted to join us. We’re all too tired to cook and I guessed you might be too.’

  ‘That’s really kind,’ I said, ‘but you need to take it easy, not have a house full of people.’

  ‘You’re hardly a house full,’ he responded. ‘Come on, I hear the Full Moon does a decent tofu dish.’

  I stared at my choices of oven chips or something I could no longer identify in a Tupperware box half buried in ice.

  ‘Do you want me to pick it up on my way over?’ I offered.

  ‘I called the order in twenty minutes ago,’ he said. ‘If you come over now it should be here any time.’

  I smiled as I hung up, glad that he hadn’t called to talk to me about the kiss. Not that I knew what I’d say to him if he did. Walking over to pick up my keys I caught sight of myself in the mirror. My long ginger hair hung down my back, I slicked some lip gloss on and thought about picking up a loose shirt to cover my bare shoulders. Then I thought about what George had told me all those years ago about being proud of myself, being confident and showing myself off, and decided not to. I locked the door behind me and walked over to see my friends.

  Bea let me in, and I was relieved to see that her eyes weren’t as tired as they often looked. She greeted me with a hug and walked back into the kitchen. A carrier bag was set on the table, and Jake was passing out containers with his good arm. His injured wrist was held tight against his body in a blue sling. He walked over and greeted me with a kiss on the cheek. I think it took about five minutes for my pulse to drop back to normal afterwards.

  Alice was dressed in a pink tutu and wellies and was dancing around the kitchen as she sang to herself. I was glad to see Jake up and about, and even more glad to do so in company so that we couldn’t talk about the other night.

  I spooned some tofu onto my plate and thanked Jake for the noodles that he passed me. Bea was making deals with Alice about how much she had to eat before she could have some prawn crackers. There were footsteps on the stairs and I nearly jumped when a man walked into the kitchen. He was an older version of Jake. They had the same eyes and jawline, though his hair was shorter and mostly white.

  ‘Evie, this is my dad, Pete,’ Jake said.

  ‘I can see the resemblance,’ I said, standing up and reaching out to shake his hand.

  ‘He wishes to be as handsome as me,’ Pete joked. ‘I’ve come to help out for a few days.’

  ‘I couldn’t take any more time off,’ Bea said. ‘I’m going to ring around the local nurseries tomorrow and see if any of them have spaces over the summer for Alice. With her being so happy with Jake, I had thought about waiting until September when she can start at the Acacia School on Old Street, but I’m not sure what I’m going to do until then now that Superman here is out of action. Jake had planned to ask any job that came up now to wait until then for him to start, it’s only a few weeks after all, but now I’m nearly as stuck as he is.’

  She tousled Jake’s hair as she said it, and I could see that she meant it with affection and wasn’t cross with him for the change of plans. Especially given that he’d been injured in the line of duty when protecting Alice.

  ‘I keep telling you I’m only down one arm, I can still manage,’ he said.

  ‘You can barely wipe your own backside,’ his dad said.

  ‘Dad,’ Bea exclaimed as Alice started laughing.

  She started shouting, ‘Grandad said bum bum, Granddad said bum bum,’ and Bea shot her dad a look.

  ‘I never had this problem with my childminder.’

  ‘At least I’m not going to chase halfway round the world after my boyfriend and leave you scuppered for childcare with no notice. And I didn’t say bum,’ he pointed out.

  ‘You just said it,’ Alice cried out, and curled up on the floor laughing and holding her sides.

  ‘I can help,’ I offered, watching Alice. The giggles were infectious and soon we were all joining in. Bea looked years younger when she smiled.

  ‘Really?’ Bea asked. I looked back at her and saw the hope on her face.

  ‘I finish school this week, then I have five weeks off. I can help, until Jake gets the cast off at least,’ I said.

  Bea walked over and hugged me. I finally looked at Jake. He had a huge grin on his face, and I started to have second thoughts.

  Chapter Seventeen

  After the meal, I begged off with tiredness and told them that I needed to go. Jake offered to walk me home, but he still looked a little exhausted, so Bea told him to sit down, saying that she fancied some fresh air and that she would walk with me instead. Pete took Alice up to start getting ready for bed, and so when we got back to my flat I invited Bea in for a glass of wine.

  She took it and sipped her drink as she sat on the sofa. ‘Did something happen with you and Jake the other night?’ she asked. ‘If he said anything rude he was concussed and I’m sure he didn’t mean to,’ she said. ‘It’s just that you hardly looked at him today, and you guys had been getting on so well.’

  I sat my glass back on the coffee table. ‘He didn’t put his foot in it,’ I assured her. ‘If anything it was me.’

  She didn’t say anything, just watched me over the rim of her glass. The room fell silent and I found myself talking to fill the space. ‘I kissed him,’ I admitted.
/>   She set her glass down and grinned. ‘I knew it,’ she said. ‘You do like each other.’

  ‘I feel a bit weird talking about this with his sister,’ I admitted.

  She waved it away. ‘We’re adults. I can handle hearing about my brother, especially given that we know you, Evie, and I’m happy for him.’

  ‘Wait, wait,’ I said, trying to stop her getting carried away. ‘It was just a kiss. I was so relieved to see that he was okay. There were hours where I didn’t know how badly hurt he was.’

  ‘So it was a little “glad you’re alive” kiss?’

  ‘Not such a little one,’ I admitted, blushing as red as my wine. I picked the glass up and tried to hide behind it.

  ‘So are you seeing each other?’ she asked.

  ‘I don’t know.’

  ‘Do you want to see him?’

  I took a mouthful of wine and used the time to put my response together. ‘I don’t know,’ I repeated. I never said it was going to be a useful answer.

  ‘He’s a really lovely guy,’ I began.

  ‘I think so too, but I am biased,’ she said, smiling at me to show that she really was okay discussing her brother in this way.

  ‘I’m just not looking for anything serious right now.’

  ‘Who says it has to be serious?’ she asked, grinning at me. ‘You can just get to know him, see how it goes. It looks like you’re going to be spending a lot of time together over the next few weeks looking after Alice anyway.’

  ‘I know,’ I said. ‘And I’m looking forward to it. Spending time with Alice, I mean.’ I blushed again. ‘And with Jake obviously, even if nothing else happens.’

  Bea kicked her sandals off and curled up on my sofa. I saw any chances of this being a quick chat go out the window. I stood up and went to fetch ice cream, partly because I thought that matters of the heart should always be discussed over ice cream, and partly to give me more time to pull myself together. I handed Bea a pot of triple flavoured swirl, and admitted to myself that it hadn’t worked. I was as mixed up as her dessert. She grew serious as she tucked in. ‘Give him time, Evie. I know you’re working through your own issues right now, but so is Jake, even if he isn’t telling you. He used to look up to my ex like a big brother. I think our divorce was hard on him too. He was pretty quick to turn up when I needed help.’