by Hannah Pearl
‘I’ve decided to shelve it,’ I announced. I saw Charmaine’s eyes go wide, and she didn’t speak, but she didn’t need to. I could tell what she was thinking. ‘I think I’ve accomplished what I’d needed to,’ I told her. ‘Seeing some of those guys again brought back memories of how it felt to be carefree, to fall for people without being afraid of getting hurt.’
‘How far did you get?’ Bea asked me, sipping her drink. ‘And no, I don’t mean with my brother,’ she added with a pretend shudder.
‘I’d almost finished with my notebook anyway,’ I told them.
I told them about getting drunk with Jem and how sweet he’d been to me. I was just explaining about meeting his husband when Jake came back down saying that Alice was asleep. He fetched himself a drink and sat next to me. I tried to change the subject, feeling suddenly awkward talking about other men in front of him, but Charmaine was enjoying hearing about me waking up hung over and looking awful in front of my ex-boyfriend’s gorgeous new partner and wouldn’t let me skimp on the details.
‘Actually, I just felt happy for him,’ I told them all. ‘We were never right together, he was so artistic I took it as a licence to act as childishly moody as I wanted, which was fun at the time but I’m so embarrassed now I look back. Seeing him so settled and clearly contented, it was nice.’
‘So who would have been next?’ Bea asked.
I watched Jake empty his glass and refill it.
‘You know what, I’m done with my past. Can’t we talk about something else?’ I tried.
‘You’re not that done,’ Charmaine reminded me. ‘Aren’t you coming to the wedding next week?’ She raised her eyebrows. ‘We get to see how the man you couldn’t tame was finally captured.’
Jake choked on his drink and Bea looked at him as she slapped him on his back to help him breathe. ‘I’ll be there,’ I muttered, not meeting his eye.
‘I’ll look after you,’ my cousin assured me. ‘I know you were dreading seeing him again.’ Charmaine started talking about the new dress she had bought for it, and I tried to keep the subject light, offering to go shoe shopping again. Jake didn’t say much, but as most of the talk from then on was about how hard it was to find a dress with decent pockets, the other ladies didn’t seem to notice. I did though, and wanted to get him alone to talk. It wasn’t to be though. Bea looked exhausted and Charmaine slung her arm over my shoulder. ‘Come on, cuz,’ she said. ‘Let’s head off. I’ve got a busy day tomorrow, fifty people for a three course lunch and we’re a chef down.’
I didn’t get chance to kiss Jake goodbye, it might have taken a bit more explaining to do so openly in front of Bea and Alice. I missed it though, and once I was back at home on my own, I found myself running my finger gently across my lips and wishing it was Jake.
As I pulled the sheet up around my shoulders and tried to close my eyes, I found sleep elusive. I got up and fetched my mobile. I texted Jake a good night message. I sat up reading for a few minutes in case he wrote back, but he didn’t.
Chapter Twenty-One
The next morning there was no ring on my doorbell to get me out of bed. I tried to enjoy having the day to myself, pretending that the space was what I wanted. I finally had a sort out; doing the jobs that always ended getting put off until my holidays. I put aside bags of old clothes and books to take to the charity shop. The one drawback of having such a small flat was the constant need to keep on top of my desire to hoard.
By lunchtime I’d also been for a haircut and written long overdue emails to overseas friends. I wanted to make lunch, but it seemed that a trip to the supermarket was next on my to-do list, when my empty fridge made a mockery of my plans. I grabbed my car keys and headed for the door.
It only took me twenty minutes to find everything I needed. I treated myself to a ready-made sandwich to take home. Having bought the groceries, I could no longer face actually cooking with them.
Back at my flat, I found myself emptying cupboards and scrubbing them as I packed away the shopping. It was no use though, I couldn’t distract myself. Once the last item was safely put away, I picked up my keys and walked round to Jake’s before I could think about what I was going to say or get nervous about what he might.
Alice cheered when she saw me, and I was glad that someone was pleased to see me. I handed her the bag of cake ingredients and she danced back into the kitchen, chattering as she went about the super duper triple layer melty goo cake she wanted to make. Jake kissed my cheek as I walked in. It wasn’t the passionate kiss like the ones we’d shared the day before, but at least it was a gesture of affection.
We didn’t get chance to talk until the cakes were baking in the oven. Alice asked if they were ready yet every thirty seconds until Jake chased her out of the room. He came back in a few minutes later explaining that he had set her the challenge of drawing a picture of what her cake would look like once we’d decorated it.
He put the kettle on and I began picking up the dirty mixing bowls and stacking them in the dishwasher. I must have clunked them louder than I meant to, as by the time I got to the third bowl, Jake took it from my hands, put it away himself and put his arms around me. He placed a gentle kiss on my lips, and I laid my head against his shoulder.
‘I’m sorry if I was grumpy with you,’ he offered.
‘It’s hard to be grumpy when you haven’t said a word,’ I told him.
‘I know,’ he said, running his hand through his hair. ‘I knew about you tracking down your exes, of course. It’s just that the closer I got to you, the less I wanted to think about you with other people. Especially the ones who left you feeling that you didn’t deserve to be happy.’
‘George was never one of those,’ I assured him. ‘Besides, in case you hadn’t noticed, I came away from each of those encounters being more sure than ever about why it hadn’t worked with each of them. Not to mention that if I hadn’t started I’d never have met you in the first place.’
He blew out a sigh and kissed me again. ‘I’m being silly, and possessive, and a tiny bit caveman, I know.’
‘A tiny bit?’ I said and grinned to show him that I was just teasing. ‘But for what it’s worth, I decided that I don’t need to track down any more people,’ I told him. ‘I feel more confident than I have in ages. Look, I’m even wearing short shorts, despite my knobbly knees.’
‘I’d noticed the shorts,’ Jake said, kissing me more deeply this time.
‘Though there is one thing I should probably mention,’ I said, not wanting to break the spell but neither wanting to make peace with Jake only to have to recover the same ground three days later. ‘I have to go to a wedding on Saturday.’
‘The one Charmaine mentioned?’ he asked.
I nodded. ‘It’s another ex, but before you say anything, I can’t really get out of going. My parents will be expecting me to be there and I never told them about George, so it’ll look a little odd now if I pull out at the last minute.’
‘Do I want to know about him?’ Jake asked.
I shook my head again. ‘Probably not,’ I admitted. ‘It was over a long time ago, but he’s my brother Matt’s best friend.’ Jake actually grinned at that. ‘I know,’ I told him, ‘it’s a stereotype, a girl and her brother’s best friend. But no happy ever afters from this one.’
After I broke up with Jem, I’d been happy to stay single for a while. I wasn’t proud of myself for acting so childishly with him and had resolved to take some time out from dating to figure out what I wanted. Truthfully, it wasn’t hard to stay single, I wasn’t exactly overwhelmed by offers.
So I didn’t date again for a few months. By the summer holidays I felt calmer, had started researching teacher-training courses for after I finished my degree, but was starting to have an itch that only an encounter could scratch, if you know what I mean. Charmaine suggested trying a one-night stand, but that wasn’t really my style. I found my thoughts drifting back to George more and more often. I wondered whether he’d mind being a booty
call.
It wasn’t hard to find out. I simply invited myself along on a night out with Matt, got myself dressed up in my shortest skirt and smallest top. It took Matt an hour to disappear off with the girl that he was dating that week, and within an hour and a half George and I were back at his flat and I was feeling satisfied.
That summer I invited myself out with them a few more times, and each trip followed the same pattern. George and I even started swapping texts and meeting up when we could do without drawing attention to ourselves. Charmaine warned me that it was purely physical for George, and even though we didn’t go on actual dates, we spent so much time talking afterwards as we snuggled, that I could no longer stop myself from falling, and falling hard, for him. My other friends had drifted off to college or to work, and he was a fun way to fill the gap they had left. With hindsight, I could see that I had relied on him too much, more than he had agreed to. And I’d needed him far more than he had needed me.
When I turned down a going for a drink with a really nice guy from my course, Charmaine had tried to talk sense into me, but it hadn’t worked. Thankfully she didn’t bear a grudge, and even more luckily she was with me the day the shit hit the fan.
The four of us had been talking about going to a gig for ages, and we’d finally got round to booking the tickets. We were meeting at George’s flat, and I’d had a giggle pretending to not know where anything was and almost going into the bedroom whilst looking for the bathroom.
Charmaine gave me a warning look, but I couldn’t help myself. Until Matt went into George’s room to borrow some aftershave and came out carrying a jacket I must have dropped. ‘Don’t you have one like this, sis?’ he asked me.
‘Must be a popular style,’ I muttered, trying not to blush and probably failing. That’s the trouble with having ginger hair, I’m also pale and what would be the smallest hint of a red cheek on anyone else would practically glow in the dark on me.
‘Funny how this one smells of the same perfume you wear,’ he said, handing it to me. I took it quietly. ‘Is there something you want to tell me?’ he asked. ‘Only, I picked it up and there was a bra underneath.’
I shook my head and George tried to placate him. ‘It’s not what it looks like,’ he said.
Matt’s eyes widened, and he obviously twigged that it was exactly what it looked like.
‘You fucking bastard,’ he yelled at George, backing him up against the wall. ‘That’s my little sister.’
I tried to intervene and push him away but he was too strong.
‘I’m twenty years old,’ I pointed out.
‘You’re still way too young and way too nice to go near him,’ he growled at me, placing his elbow across George’s neck. I grew scared that he might really hurt him and I realised how stupid I’d been.
‘You go out and screw whoever you want. Why can’t I do the same? You’re being sexist,’ I pointed out but he didn’t react at all to my words. ‘I don’t need a protector,’ I shouted, trying again to get him to release George. ‘Please, Matt, don’t hurt him. I really care about him.’
Matt finally pulled back, letting George drop to his knees and draw in a proper breath. ‘You care about him?’ he asked. I nodded. ‘Then you probably wouldn’t want to know that he’s also been shagging Sharon from the Red Lion for the last three weeks as well.’
His words hit me like a physical blow, but probably still not as hard as the punch that he delivered to George’s stomach.
Matt stalked out of the flat. ‘I’ll follow him,’ Charmaine said.
I helped George to sit and fetched him an ice pack for his bruises. ‘I should probably find him and apologise too,’ George said.
I wondered why I didn’t rate an apology, but George had never promised me anything, and he clearly didn’t realise how attached to him I’d felt. I started crying and he still didn’t reach out to comfort me, just shoved a box of tissues across the table at me.
Matt and George didn’t speak to each other for a month after that. I felt guilty about coming between them, but eventually they patched things up. I don’t know how, I guess they just decided not to talk about what had happened. I was hurt about how it had ended between us. I missed George, both physically and as a friend. We never went to bed together again. To this day I’d never said more than another dozen words to him. And now in three days’ time I had to go to his wedding.
Chapter Twenty-Two
I bought myself a short, lacy black dress to wear to the wedding. It wasn’t a traditional choice of clothing, but dressed up with a golden shawl and necklace, it made me feel really good when I tried it on and I knew I’d need that. I even let Charmaine talk me into buying a pair of proper heels. I wasn’t sure how I’d walk in them, but I guessed I’d either manage somehow or get so drunk that I wouldn’t care either way. Charmaine asked me whether I was in mourning, given that I was wearing black, but my head was full of thoughts of Jake, and I was pretty sure that I wasn’t.
The night before the wedding, we were both having dinner with Jake and Bea again when Charmaine’s mobile rang. Disappearing outside to answer it, she came back looking really cross. ‘Men,’ she grunted, then, ‘No offence,’ as she looked up at Jake.
‘None taken,’ he said, getting up to offer her more garlic bread.
‘What happened?’ I asked.
‘Jason, the guy I’ve been seeing from the wine suppliers, was supposed to get tomorrow off to come with me. Only the stupid git just rang to tell me he forgot to clear it with his boss and now he has to work. Great, now I’ll look like a knobby no mates with an empty seat next to me all day.’ Charmaine was not used to being short of a date.
‘Jake can go with you,’ Bea offered, as we all turned to look at her. ‘It makes sense, no use them paying for a meal that gets wasted. They’ll have the table plans printed up and everything so Jake can just take his seat. I’m off tomorrow anyway and it would be lovely to have a quiet day with Alice.’
‘That’s decided then,’ Jake said, picking up his juice glass and clinking it against mine. ‘Looks like I’ll be coming with you ladies to the wedding.’
I turned down Jake’s offer to walk us home, and as soon as the door shut behind us I turned to my cousin. ‘This isn’t going to be awkward at all, is it? Turning up to the wedding with another man.’
‘It’ll be good for you,’ she assured me. ‘Think how much stronger you’ll feel when George sees that you’ve brought someone with you. And a gorgeous guy at that.’
‘He is a bit gorgeous, isn’t he?’ I said, finally cracking a smile.
Charmaine promised to be round early the next morning to fix my hair and make-up. I didn’t think I’d sleep well, but knowing I’d have a knock out outfit and a man on my arm left me feeling so relaxed that I did manage to conk out after all.
Charmaine arrived wearing a vivid pink dress, far brighter than I could have ever worn, but it suited her. She twirled and I told her that she looked amazing. ‘I know,’ she responded, then announced that it was my turn to get ready. ‘So what is the story with you and Jake?’ she asked me as I got dressed.
‘I like him,’ I said, admitting it to her and to myself. ‘I really like him. He makes me feel amazing, he makes me laugh. I love how his eyes linger when he watches me. He makes me feel sexy.’
‘You are sexy,’ she said.
‘I don’t think so,’ I scoffed.
‘Being sexy is a state of mind,’ she said, strutting up and down my flat, as much as you can strut in the three paces she could fit in before turning like a catwalk model.
‘I think that’s been my trouble. My state of mind wasn’t under my control for a long time.’
‘But you got it back,’ she pointed out. ‘So let’s get you made up, and show George what he missed out on.’
‘I think I’d prefer to show Jake what he can have,’ I said. ‘I think I may have done enough looking backwards now.’
‘That sounds even better,’ Charmaine said, picking up m
y hairbrush and starting to work the knots out of my long hair. We experimented with it tied back in a loose plait, then with it down. Eventually Charmaine curled it so that it hung in gentle waves. She painted my lips in red saying that I’d need a little contrast against my simple dress, and found a green eye shadow that complimented the colour of my eyes.
When she had finished she finally let me look in the full-length mirror in my room. I was amazed at what she’d created.
‘Is that really me?’ I asked her, swishing my dress from side to side to see how it flew when I moved.
‘Sexy, I told you,’ she said. ‘Self-assured and, most of all, happy. I can see it on your face.’
‘Thank you, hon,’ I told her. ‘I love you so much. I couldn’t have done this without you. Not any of it, not starting over again, finding my flat, meeting Jake. I owe you.’ I turned and gave her a hug.
‘Careful not to smudge,’ she warned me. I could see she was trying not to say anything soppy herself. ‘You deserve this. You’re a good person, Evie, and nothing that happened, not with any of the losers that you looked up, none of that was down to you.’
‘Some of it was,’ I said, and I found my eyes welling up. She shook her head, and I figured I was in for a lecture about protecting my mascara too but luckily the doorbell rang. She went to let Jake in. He whistled when he saw her and she faked a punch to his good arm, but I knew she was secretly pleased. I wondered what he would say when he saw me, but he simply shook his head from side to side and grinned.
‘Okay?’ I asked.
‘Better than okay,’ he said, crossing the room and taking me into his arms. He began to kiss me but Charmaine coughed from the doorway.
‘No smudging. I told you,’ she said. ‘That lipstick took me ages to get right and to stop Evie biting it off, so you leave it be, at least until everyone has seen her in it.’
Jake saluted her and held out his good arm for me to take. ‘Shall we?’ he asked. I nodded, and let him lead me out to the taxi.
