Lucky Scars

by Kerry Heavens

  Living with a love that could never be returned…That, somehow, already hurt more.

  Chapter Twenty-One

  When I woke, it was to Ziggy wrapped around me, stroking my hair.

  “Why aren’t you asleep?” I slurred groggily.

  “I don’t know,” he replied softly. “Maybe because it’s about ten AM.” There was humour in his tone.

  I lifted my head from his chest to look at him. “Are you serious?”

  “Yeah.”

  “Wow, I’m sorry.”

  “Don’t be. You needed the rest.”

  “I’ll let you get up,” I mumbled and started to move off him.

  He held me tight. “No, don’t. This is nice.”

  My chest tightened, and all the emotion I felt last night for him rushed back. I wanted to pull away. Protect myself from the feelings. Protect him from me feeling them. Run far away from the certain heartbreak I was headed for. He looked comfortable, however; unaffected by our proximity and the casual affection he was displaying.

  This was how I knew it was only friendship. I knew he wouldn’t allow himself the privilege of being affectionate with me if there was feeling behind it. It would go against his self-imposed sentence.

  I had to learn to handle it, though, because no matter how badly I needed to protect myself, I needed him more, and I would take him any way I could have him over not having him at all.

  I relaxed a little and put my head back on his chest, detaching myself from the tenderness of his fingers in my hair and focusing on the relaxation he was trying to provide.

  “What happened?” he asked after a while.

  I tensed, not wanting to relive it all.

  “I don’t mean the accident, Sparkles. I mean, what happened with Jonathan? Why were you wandering around alone? Where was he when you needed someone?”

  “Oh,” I replied.

  “Yes, oh.” His fingers continued to soothe, but I could feel the tension in his body.

  He was anything but calm.

  “I’ve been laying here wondering why you left the party, why you weren’t headed straight home and what—” he swallowed and took a deep breath, “what he could have done to you to make you leave.”

  “Ziggy, I’m fine. He didn’t do anything to me. I just left because I wanted to leave.”

  I felt the tension drain out of him slightly. “Really?”

  “Yes, really.”

  “He didn’t try anything?”

  “No.”

  He held me tight before finally relaxing beneath me.

  “So, what was it? One flat white too many, and you finally cracked?”

  My laughter started as a chuckle but soon erupted into full belly laughs.

  “What?” He laughed along with me. “It could happen. That would push me over the edge.”

  I wiped my eyes, no longer sure if I was laughing or crying, but just about keeping it together. “Thank you,” I hiccupped, “for taking care of me, for being the one I could call, for making me laugh when I need it.”

  “Always, Sparkles.” He kissed the top of my head. “Always.”

  I squeezed his middle and sighed. He was too good to be true.

  “Now, tell me exactly what happened,” he said softly. “I want to know everything, even if you think it’s nothing.”

  I sighed. “He wanted more, and I couldn’t give it to him.”

  “How much more?”

  “He’d got a hotel room.”

  “That bastard! Even after you’d told him it was just fr—”

  I cut him off. “I told him no. He was disappointed, but he didn’t try to stop me leaving.”

  “I should bloody well hope not,” he growled.

  I smiled against his chest. “It’s okay; he was a gentleman about it. I just walked away.”

  “Do you think he’ll want to see you again?”

  “I’d say we’re pretty much done. I think I’m more work than the women he’s used to. I imagine he’ll probably be losing my number and moving on to easier prey.”

  “His loss,” Ziggy soothed.

  “Yeah.” I pondered Jonathan’s loss for a moment. I was certain he would think the loss was all mine. Perhaps they were both right, but I was okay with that. Clearly, I wasn’t cut out for more.

  “So, why were you wandering around? Why not come straight home?”

  “I was hungry,” I told him. “I could smell the food from China Town, so I went to get something to bring home and eat in my pyjamas. I never made it that far.”

  “You must be starving.” Ziggy tried to sit up, but I held him down.

  “No, I’m fine. Stay. I like this. We can go for breakfast in a little while.”

  Ziggy moved back into position and resumed playing with my hair.

  “Come to think of it…” I realised suddenly. “Why were you so close by when I called? It didn’t occur to me last night. I thought you went home, but then you were there.”

  “I was working,” he said simply.

  “But you left before we did.”

  “I just went to grab some dinner, and then I came back.”

  “Why?”

  “I had some stuff I wanted to work on, and I…wanted to make sure you got home okay.”

  I lifted my head and met his sheepish eyes. “Oh my God, you wanted to see if I brought him home.”

  “Trust me, Sparkles, that was the last thing I wanted to see. It was bad enough I had to see you two sucking face before you left.”

  I cringed. “Ugh, yeah, I’m sorry about that. It was the first kiss, I swear, and it wasn’t exactly something I agreed to.”

  “That’s why I stuck around,” he shrugged shyly, “in case he dropped you home and decided to try any other things you hadn’t exactly agreed to.” He tucked a strand of my hair behind my ear. “Besides, I said you could call me if he gave you any trouble. I didn’t want to be on the other side of London if you needed me.”

  “You’re too good to me. Do you know that?”

  “That’s what friends are for.”

  I tried not to show that he’d just delivered a knife to my heart; instead, I sat up abruptly. “Let’s go get breakfast.” I stood quickly and headed to the bathroom, but before I got there, my doorbell rang. “I really need to pee. Can you see who that is?” I asked Ziggy. “It’s probably the doorman with a package.”

  “On a Sunday?” Ziggy frowned.

  “Amazon delivers every day,” I smirked, closing the door. I was always expecting something, although I couldn’t always tell you exactly what.

  When I turned off the tap and shook out my hands, I heard raised voices. I opened the bathroom door and stepped into my room just as Jonathan rounded the corner and appeared in the doorway. He looked me up and down, and I was conscious of only wearing a T-shirt and underwear, but I didn’t have time to be too concerned because he was raging.

  “What the fuck, Bea?” he snarled, glancing at the unmade bed that had clearly been slept in by two people. “I knew…” he drifted off, looking up at the ceiling for patience, or strength, or something. “You left me and got straight into bed with him? Nice, thanks.”

  Ziggy stood silently behind him, and I knew he was holding back his anger. I didn’t want him to be in a position where he felt he had to defend me. I knew what it was doing to him.

  There was a perfectly reasonable explanation for all of this, but for some reason, I didn’t feel like offering it. “What are you doing here, Jonathan?” was all I said.

  “I came to see if you were okay and if we could try again, but clearly this whole thing is just a game to you,” he spat. “Have you been fucking him this whole time?” He moved towards me, and Ziggy followed him into the room. He moved to the chair where he had put his jeans, and without taking his eyes from Jonathan’s back, he silently slipped them on. His belt clinking caught Jonathan’s attention, and he swung around as Ziggy zipped them up. “Oh, don’t get dressed on my account, mate; I’m done with her games. You two
are welcome to each other.” He turned a disdainful glare on me and shook his head. “Fucking cocktease.”

  Ziggy reacted so fast he was just a blur. Jonathan was slammed into my bedroom wall before he knew what hit him. Ziggy held him there by his throat, and the fury seemed to ripple over his skin as, for a moment, everything was still.

  Jonathan’s mouth hung open in shock as he gasped to reclaim some of the air that had been knocked out of his lungs by the impact.

  Ziggy moved his face closer to Jonathan’s. “You listen to me…MATE. She was never playing games. She needed a friend last night, and where were you? Hmm? Nowhere to be seen because all you cared about was getting your dick wet. You let her leave—alone. While you were licking your wounds instead of seeing that she made it home safely, she was dealing with life and death. So when she needed someone, she called me. Not you, ME. You want to know why? Because I’m the one she can trust. I’m the one who will put her to bed without thinking about myself and lay awake beside her all night in case she needs me. I’m the one who only cares that she is safe and happy. I’m the one who will always put her first. So I’m the one she will always call. You got that? ALWAYS!”

  Ziggy gave Jonathan’s throat a shake as he bellowed in his face, and Jonathan winced. Then Ziggy let him go and stood there panting, his hands clenching into fists and then releasing as if the temptation was too much.

  Jonathan gasped and held his throat with both hands. He looked between us and then shook his head. “You two freaks deserve each other,” he growled hoarsely, and then he pushed off the wall and stalked out of the room. A second later, the front door slammed, and Ziggy and I just stood there.

  I moved to him and watched him lift his shaking hands and stare at them in disbelief. Then he raised his eyes to mine and looked terrified.

  “Are you okay?” I whispered. I felt like anything louder would be more than he could bear.

  He looked once at his hands and then shuddered.

  I reached for him, but he flinched, and I stopped myself. “Ziggy…” I began.

  “Don’t.” He rushed from the room and I followed, worried about what he might do. He moved into the living room and paced quickly back and forth, clearly at war with himself in his head.

  “Zig,” I attempted as he passed me.

  “No, Bea. Don’t try to make it better.” He stalked the room some more, and I watched, unable to help him. Then he stopped abruptly and turned to me. He looked at me, guilt marring his perfect features. “I’m sorry,” he said regretfully. “I never should have…” But he didn’t finish. Instead, he turned, grabbed his shoes from the floor and left.

  Chapter Twenty-Two

  The silence that followed Ziggy’s departure was stifling. I couldn’t stand it. I took a deep breath, but it was no use. I threw on the first pair of jeans I could find and went after him. Stabbing at the lift call button, I watched as his lift went down, waiting for the other lift to come, but I was too impatient, so I flew down the stairs.

  When I arrived on the ground floor of the building out of breath and burst through the stairwell door, the only person to witness it was the on-duty security guard. He looked slightly perplexed and offered me a tight smile. My drama must have provided at least a few minutes of entertainment for him. Two different men fleeing my flat, followed by me in bare feet and bed hair. After years of going under the radar, I was going to make a reputation for myself.

  Both lifts were on the ground floor; Ziggy had beaten me down and had already left. Perfect.

  I had failed epically. I wanted to make sure Ziggy was alright, but in my haste, I had no coat, no shoes and there was a typical wintery shower going on outside.

  I thought of Ziggy out there all alone and distraught. Protecting me had pushed him to a place I knew he feared above all else. He didn’t deserve that, and I couldn’t protect him from it. I could only imagine how he was feeling.

  Reluctantly, I went back upstairs, stopping at my desk to pick up Ziggy’s jar of stars. I knew it was stupid—I could hardly hug a jar—but it was all I had. I dragged myself up to the flat and fell back into bed, jar clutched to my chest. And I cried.

  I hadn’t been heartbroken before, not like this. Lewis was my first everything and that heartbreak was completely different. I hadn’t cared for anyone other than him all of my adult life until now, and I knew Ziggy would never want to be with me that way. I had lost him completely now.

  My phone rang, and I grabbed it from the bedside table, my tears obscuring the caller ID. I managed to answer and place it to my ear. “Ziggy?” I sniffed.

  “No, it’s me,” replied Charlie, the concern immediately evident. “What’s wrong?”

  I choked on a sob. “It’s such a mess.”

  “Beatrix,” Charlie said firmly. “First, take a breath and reassure me that you are in one piece physically and in a place of safety. Then explain what’s going on, or I’ll have to call Dad. He’s closer.”

  “I’m fine,” I assured him.

  “Oh sure, you sound just peachy. Now, what’s going on?”

  “I—” Without planning what to say, the words just began falling from my lips. “I love him, Charlie. I didn’t mean to, but I do. He won’t ever want me that way, I can accept that, but now it’s all ruined.” I talked myself into a fresh outburst of sobs. Charlie let me have a few before he once again took command of the conversation.

  “Okay…well, I’m glad you finally admitted it to yourself. It was pretty obvious.”

  “It’s all wrong, though. I’ve hardly known him any time at all; I’m sure it’s just because he’s the first man who’s caught my attention since…” the words caught on another sob.

  “That doesn’t matter. You’ve been alone so long, it was bound to be intense when it finally happened. Don’t fight it; you need to feel it all. It’s time.”

  “No, but I don’t want to. Not if it feels like this.”

  “Trix, you don’t get to choose. Your heart must be ready or it wouldn’t have noticed him.”

  “Pft,” I managed in between sniffs. “Well, it makes no difference. Ziggy doesn’t let himself live freely. Now, to top it off, he almost had to hit Jonathan, which completely freaked him out, and he will never forgive me for making him use his hands to solve my problem. He doesn’t want that life.”

  I let my tears flow again.

  “What do you mean, he almost had to hit Jonathan? Did he do something to you?”

  “No,” I sighed. “It’s a long story. I went to Jonathan’s swanky work do in a hotel last night. He’d got a room and he wanted me to join him. I said no and—”

  “That fucker!” I heard a chair scraping as Charlie stood as if to go looking for Jonathan right then.

  “Charlie, no! Nothing like that happened. I said no, and he let me leave with no problem, it was fine.”

  “Right, so why did Ziggy need to put his hands on him, Trix? He had to have done something. Tell me now.” He was riled up and in brother mode, assuming the worst of Jonathan like Ziggy had. That’s when it hit me. Ziggy was in brother mode.

  He saw me as a damn sister.

  “Oh God,” I moaned aloud.

  “What? What’s happened.” Charlie had transitioned from concerned to panicked.

  “Nothing. I’m just reliving it.”

  “Reliving WHAT?” His patience was running thin.

  “After I left the hotel, I witnessed an accident. Someone was knocked off their bike and—” Shit, it was so awful to think about. “He died. I was there, I held his hand as he slipped away. It was just awful, Charlie.”

  “Oh my God, Trixie,” he gasped.

  “I’m okay,” I reassured him before he had the opportunity to ask. “Just a bit shaken. So, I called Ziggy. He came to get me and took me home. He put me to bed and stayed with me.”

  “Good,” Charlie blew out.

  “I really needed him, and he was there.” I remembered the tenderness with which he wiped my tears and my makeup away and began
sobbing all over again.

  “And?” Charlie asked impatiently, after it was clear I wasn’t going to continue without a prompt.

  “And this morning, Jonathan came to the flat to…I don’t know, apologise, maybe? He said he’d wanted to see if I would give him another chance or something. It was all a bit of a blur because what actually happened was Ziggy answered the door in his boxers and a T-shirt, and that pissed Jonathan off, so he burst in and found me wearing basically the same in my bedroom. He added two and two together and made seventeen, deduced that I was sleeping with Ziggy and just toying with him, and he was mad. He said some things, called me a name, and then Ziggy just snapped. He shoved him against the wall and gave him what for.”

  “He didn’t hit him?” I could hear the concern in the question. I had told him enough to know that he understood what that would do to Ziggy.

  “Not, but what happened was already too much. He thinks he lost control defending me. It’s Steph all over again.”

  “But it sounds like he held it together. That idiot can’t come to your flat and accuse you of things you haven’t done. Ziggy did what he needed to do. End of story,” he said firmly.

  “But, Charlie, he won’t see it that way. He’s pretty much Zen most of the time. All of what happened today is completely unacceptable to him. He’s going to see this as the perfect reason to go back to his shut off life and keep away from girls who need defending and bring their drama into his life.”

  “Take a breath, Trix, you’re going to hyperventilate.”

  “I can’t. He’s gone, and he won’t be back, and I love him. What the hell am I supposed to do with that?” I reached for the jar as I was talking and popped the lid. I tipped the stars onto the duvet and ran my fingers through them. They were my only link to him. Tiny little folded paper stars which had, one by one, added to the light. He had been showing me more and more of the world with each one. Filling it with colour, banishing the darkness.