by C. A. Harms
“Could you call Ryker for me? I don’t think I can do this twice.”
“Yes,” I assure here, “I’ll tell him.”
She thanked me as if it was even necessary and we said our goodbyes. As I hung up the phone I said nothing, still sitting in the middle of my entryway, clutching my phone in my hand. Part of me praying that it was some kind of mistake but my heart knowing it wasn’t.
“Ben,” Liz whispered my name as her hand cupped my jaw. I looked up to see the worry in her eyes but still unable to speak. “I won’t ask if everything is okay, because I know it isn’t. Just tell me what I can do for you.”
I stare at her for a moment, before reaching out and pulling her into my lap. I didn't want her to say or do anything, except let me hold her for a moment. Would it changed the devastating news that I’d just receive? No, but it would give me a sense of comfort before I had to make a phone call I knew would destroy Ryker as much as it had me.
Chapter Fourteen
LIZ
“I just talked to him last week,” Elle says as she stares out over our backyard. Tears glistening in her eyes, gripping the railing so tight her knuckles appeared white. “He told me he got a bike and the happiness in his voice when he talked about riding it along the winding roads made me smile. Luke was always so quiet and most times I wasn't sure if he was moody, or just deep in thought. But he was genuinely excited about his bike and being able to ride with friends.”
I allowed Elle to continue on, only listening to her talk about the guy I knew she had feelings for, but also knew it was more of a brotherly friendship than anything truly romantic. They grew close since he visited with Ben during Ryker and Nicole’s engagement. They were like two goofy kids always FaceTiming one another and emailing back and forth.
“He asked me to come visit him,” she adds, “and I told him I couldn't take off work right now.”
Again silence set over us. I knew she was regretting that decision now.
“Now I’ll never get that chance to see him again,” her voice cracked with emotion and I could no longer hold back. I reached out, taking her in my arms and pulling her close. “He’s gone and I can’t write him and tell him about my day. I can’t call him while watching some really bad reality show and force him to turn it on too so we can make fun of it together.”
I knew Elle well, I knew she was going through the phases.
Guilt, anger and then defeat.
“I should have told him to sell that damn motorcycle. As if being a Marine going off to fight for his country wasn't dangerous enough, he had to add some ridiculous street bike to the mix.”
“I think we both know you telling him that wouldn't have convinced him to do so,” I tell her. “They’re all the same and no matter what, they’re gonna do what they want.”
“I just can’t let myself believe he’s gone,” she whispers. “He left behind a life full of people who loved him, for what,” and now the anger. “For some fucking joy ride.”
I felt her fighting against me to let her go, only I couldn’t. I wouldn't let her fall apart. If she had to break, it would be with me holding on to her, ready to piece back the sweet girl I knew as my little sister.
***
I fell asleep in Ben’s t-shirt, holding his pillow to my chest, smelling him even though he wasn’t with me. I’d planned to sleep at his apartment but changed my mind and decided that Elle needed me. I kidnapped his pillow, riffled through his closet and brought both items home with me to supply comfort I was missing in his absence.
Now I lay curled on my side, as I watch my sister sleep after hours of crying and fighting against it.
She was devastated and I couldn't fix this for her. That was the hardest part. It was my role, the one I had taken on when we were young. I sheltered her from the sadness and did anything and everything I could to shield her from the shit my father brought to her life. In my eyes it was my job, because my mother was always to torn to comfort her. It was why she was so sweet and kind, always able to find the good in everyone.
Or so I hoped it was related to me keeping her safe from the hate.
But now there was no way to tuck her aware safe from the devastation around her. It broke my heart to see her hurting as she was. She’d finally fallen asleep holding the last letter she’d received from Luke in her hands. I think she’d read over it twenty times, crying harder each time.
Luke was a cut up, a real clown, but most didn't get to see that side of him. He’d allowed Elle to though, he let her in and now she’d lost that bond they shared.
The humming of my phone against the nightstand gained my attention. It vibrated against the nightstand indicating a call. Fearful to move too much, I reached around and grabbed it bringing it around in front of me and answering it quickly.
“Hi,” I said in a whisper.
“Did I wake you?”
“No,” I keep my voice in a low whisper, “just lying with Elle. She’s finally sleeping.”
“How is she doing?” Ben asks and I’m aware of how tired he sounds.
“She’s heartbroken, how are you?”
“Same,” his confession makes my chest tighten. “I spent the day with Ryker and Luke’s parents picking out a casket. A fucking casket for a guy that shouldn’t be fucking dead.”
I knew his anger was not related to anything I’d done. It was one of the stages I know. I had to let him feel and be here to accept it. Be here to take whatever it was he needed to say and absorb it.
“I’m sorry Liz,” he took in a deep breath. “I’m sorry.”
“Don’t do that.”
“What?” He asks.
“Don’t apologize for feeling Ben. You’ve lost one of the most important people in your life, you have the right to feel. You need to vent and get angry, I can take that. I’m here to be whatever it is you need me to be, but please,” I take my own deep breath, “don’t apologize.”
“You know what I need?”
“What?’ It was my turn to ask.
“You,” he confession took what raw emotions I had and threw me right over the edge. “I need you here so I can hold you and fall apart.”
I closed my eyes tight and concentrated on keeping myself calm. I could feel the tears burning my eyes, I felt the deep ache in my chest.
“Will you come,” he asks, “be here with me. Not Friday, but tomorrow, can you come tomorrow?”
“Yes,” I tell him without hesitation. “I know Nicole wants to come now too, and Elle. I’ve had a hard time keeping them both here.”
“I need you babe,” and there it was. The push that finally shoves me off the ledge. Any hope that I had of not falling for Ben disappeared in that moment. I think I already knew that not falling for him was a lost cause. He’s an amazing man, with an amazing heart, any woman in her right mind would run head first into this with him and I was always looking for a reason to protect my heart.
Not any more, I wanted this. For the first time in my life, I wanted to grab ahold and not let go.
“You have me,” I tell him, “and I’ll be there tomorrow night, on my own or with them. That’s a promise.”
Chapter Fifteen
BEN
“He flew up off that cot so fast you’d think his ass was on fire,” Ryker said with a deep chuckle. “His eyes were wide with fear, his arms flailing out as he spun from side to side looking around. You’d never guess a Marine who has seen combat more than twice would be that fearful of a snake.”
“He always had a fear for them,” Mr. Gunther said with his own saddened humor. “Luke hated snakes, never could get him over that.”
We sat around the fire in the Gunthers’ back yard, a chill in the air, but the heat from the flames felt good. We’d spent the day picking out photos that the funeral home would display during the service, boxes and boxes of pictures during Luke’s life. A tiny boy, to a scrawny teenager and then a soldier, it was hard to swallow.
“Seeing him you’d never know,” Wade added
.
Wade Richards was a fellow Marine who was stationed in Jacksonville with Luke. He was a soldier that Ryker met years ago when he enlisted and I to got the chance to know over the years. He was a few years older than us but one hell of a man.
“He seemed so fearless.” He added as he looked transfixed by the fire. “Always ready for whatever anyone threw at him. The guy was hard to read, his game face always on.
We’d spent the evening with Luke’s parents,.sharing dinner and lots of memories of the son they dearly missed. Each time we’d think they’d had enough, they would ask us something about their son needing us to give them more. It was like a torturous healing process but we couldn't deny them.
I’d spoken with Elizabeth this morning, hoping that she’d be halfway here by now, but felt disappointed when she’d said they hadn't even left. Ryker was concerned about them driving through the night and I knew it was selfish, but damnit I just wanted them here. But after I got over the initial disappointment, I agreed.
They drove halfway, before stopping at a hotel for the night. Cheboygan, Michigan was a thirteen hour drive from Arab and they couldn't fly due to Nicole’s condition. Morning couldn't get here fast enough, I needed to feel Liz in my arms.
“He shared so many stories with us about you all,” Mama Gunther said. “You all were more than just the men he served his country with, you were his family too.”
Ryker hung his head, I knew hiding his emotions.
“Which in turn makes you our family too,” Mr. Gunther added and that was all it took. Ryker’s shoulder began to shake and I too couldn't fight back the ache inside me. My own vision clouded with unshed tears as I looked up at the sky. The flicker of a plane’s light’s, the glistening sparkle of the stars throughout, it all seems so unfair. He should be here with us.
It was times like these that made you question your life.
***
I sat in my hotel room, on the side of my bed, holding my tie in hand. The funeral was only a couple hours away, but I couldn't bring myself to get dressed. I’d taken my shower, but still wore only the towel wrapped tightly around my waist.
I guess in my mind going to the funeral made it all final. I didn't want final. People forgot about those they buried and I never wanted to forget Luke.
A soft knock on the door gained my attention and for the first time I stood, moving quickly across the room. Excitement hitting me, knowing who it was on the other side of the door.
Without hesitation, I jerk open the door, ignoring the fact that I was barely dressed.
“Hi,” Liz said when I stepped out and grabbed her in my arms. Her hands immediately going to my chest as I circle her waist with my own. I didn't say hello, only pressed my lips to hers and first the first time in days I felt like that ache in my chest diminished enough that I could breathe. She too seemed to relax in my arms.
“I missed you,” I confessed, the words spoken against her lips before I move in for more.
“Take that shit inside,” someone hollers out and I pull back to look over her shoulder. “The last thing we wanna see is you lose that towel of yours.” Ryker shot me a smirk and he stood with Nicole tucked in safely at his side. A few feet back stood Elle, looking tired and frail.
“I want you alone, I do,” I whisper to Liz, “but she doesn't need to be by herself.”
“Neither do you,” Liz tells me and I can’t argue.
“I’ll get dressed,” I add, “go get Elle and bring her back to the room.”
“Are you sure?”
“Yeah,” I say gliding my thumb over her jaw. “I’m sure.”
I stood in the doorway as I watch Liz move toward her sister. Elle was so chipper and happy all the times I’ve been around her but that person was gone. In her place, was a girl who looked so lost. She mirrored the way I felt inside.
I stepped inside, leaving the door open behind me and grabbed my clothes from the bed, quickly moving to the bathroom. After a few minutes I heard the girls moving around the room and once I had my pants on and the shirt in place, I opened the door.
Liz sat on the bed, Elle stood near the door still holding her bag close to her body.
The moment she noticed me standing there, her face twisted into one of extreme sadness and her tears began to fall. I don't know if it was the right thing to do or not, but I quickly moved toward her and wrapped her in my arms. She buried her face to my bare chest where my shirt still gaped open and I could feel the wetness from her tears against my skin.
“Let it out,” I tell her refusing to let her go. “You have the right to miss him sweet girl.”
Her fingers dug into my sides and I continued to hold her, looking back at Liz over my shoulder. She remained in the same spot staring at us. When she offered me a nod, I knew I’d done the right thing.
I’d given her what she needed, comfort.
“I can't believe he’s gone,” Elle cried as she sagged in my arms. “I keep thinking he’s gonna call or that I’m gonna get some email with a silly picture attached. I keep wishing for it, but I know it won’t come true. I know I’ll never hear him laugh at one of my lame jokes or hear him make fun of me when I say something crazy.”
I held Elle as she continued to cry in my arms.
“I used to get so mad at him when he’d make fun of me, but now, I just find myself longing for it.”
“I keep wishing for this to all be some kind of horrific nightmare,” I confessed rubbing Elle’s back in a soothing manner. “I don't know how to accept that it’s not. I don't know if I ever will, but we have to move forward. It won't be easy, we just have to make sure that in doing so, we never forget Luke.”
“I know I never will,” she assures me.
“Me neither Elle,” I agree, “he’s a part of who I am. He always will be.”
Chapter Sixteen
LIZ
I had never attended a military funeral before. Rarely had I attended a civilian service, but there was something so surreal about the proceedings of honoring a soldier. The US flag was draped over the casket as it sat in the front of those who’ve come to honor him.
So many men and even women dressed in their service uniforms to honor Luke Gunther. Though Ryker and Ben were both retired from active duty, they too were dressed to honor. It was the first time I had ever seen Ben wearing his, and I couldn't get over just how handsome he was. It was like seeing him in a whole new light, so official and honorable.
When the gunfire went off, I jumped in reaction to each one. Even though I knew they were coming, I still reacted as if it was a shock.
The sound of Elle’s whimpering at my side made it hard to hold it together. With Nicole on one side of her and me on the other, we each held Elle close, doing our best to keep her head above water. Our men, stood before us as they watched one of their best friends being laid to rest.
I have never in my life witnessed something so sad and so beautiful at the same time. Sad because the world had lost an amazing man, the beautiful part was to witness such an honorable remembrance of that man.
***
We all gathered at the Gunther home, where friends and family came together to once again remember a good man. Many tears and some laughs were shared as each shared stories of Luke, both from when he was young and when he’d grown into a man.
I remained at Ben’s side due to the fact that he’s held onto me like I was his lifeline. I knew had he not been holding me securely, I would have still been at his side. Touching him, holding on to him gave me a peace of my own. I know it was strange but after what I’d seen today, it made me realize just how quickly life could shift and things could change. With the blink of an eye those we care about most could be gone.
I slid my arm around Ben’s waist and tucked myself into his side, as I listen to the guy I know knew as Wade talk of Luke. When he reciprocated and I felt his lips press against my forehead leaving them there for a little longer then needed, I closed my eyes and accepted the gesture.
&
nbsp; “Thank you for being here with me,” he whispers near my ear. “I could never explain how much it helps having you near me.”
He whispered the words, but I knew by the look on Ryker’s face he’d heard him too. When my gaze connected with Ryker’s he offers a wink and I look up to Ben. “No need to thank me,” I tell him, “I kinda have a soft spot for you.”
Ben’s features softened and the corner of his mouth lifts in a smile. “Is that so?”
“As if I ever had a chance of keeping my distance.”
He chuckled and it was the first time I’d heard him laugh since I’d arrived in Michigan. “You didn't have a chance,” he replies. “You may have thought you could have pushed me away, I know you tried, but I wouldn't have given up.”
Ben leans in closer and skims over my lips with his own, kissing the corner of my mouth.
“One night with you and I just knew,” he whispers low.
“Knew what?”
“Knew that even if I looked, I wouldn't find another women like you.” He kissed me again, “I know a good thing when I see one and you babe, are a very good thing. Stubborn as hell, but my perfect match.”
My stomach fluttered with his words. Excitement and nervous energy coursed through me, but he was right. I had never felt the things I feel with Ben with any other man. Maybe it was because I didn't allow myself too but that didn’t matter, Ben was a good man. I knew that the moment I met him and I think that was what terrified me most, because I knew there was no hope of escape once I let him in.
“Smooth talker,” I said only making his smile deepen.
“So how long have you two been together?” I look away from Ben to see Wade looking at us with curiosity.
“Only a few weeks,” I say seeing a look of surprise in Wade’s eyes.
“We’ve know each other longer, but she’s difficult.” Ben said nuzzling my neck. “It took a bit to convince her to face the inevitable.”
