The Feng Shui Detective Goes South

by Nury Vittachi

  PRAISE FOR NURY VITTACHI

  AND THE FENG SHUI DETECTIVE BOOKS

  ‘Unsurpassable mixture of humor, wisdom and whodunnit.’

  The Crime Forum, Germany

  ‘A very funny book. Dangerously so at times.’

  That’s Beijing

  ‘Wacky and hilarious whodunit—you just have to dig in

  and hold on for the wild ride.’

  Asian Review of Books

  ‘An international bestseller whose unlikely sleuths appear

  to be heading for cult status.’

  Herald Sun, Melbourne

  ‘Totally engrossing and very, very funny.’

  Radio 3AK, Melbourne

  ‘If Hollywood wakes up . . .’

  The Australian

  ‘One of the most droll, attractive and unusual

  of modern amateur detectives.’

  The Bulletin

  ‘Should bear a large red label warning against its being read

  while consuming beverages, lest unwary readers wind up

  spitting tea through their nose as I did.’

  That’s Beijing

  ‘The story is populated by a stream of eccentric characters and

  amusing examples of Singapore’s polyglot, multiethnic culture . . .

  a tasty smorgasbord of modern Asian life.’

  Japan Times

  ‘Does for the flow of ch’i what Sherlock Holmes

  did for cocaine.’

  South China Morning Post

  ‘The man who made Lee Kuan Yew laugh.’

  The New Paper, Singapore

  AUTHOR’S NOTE

  The feng shui techniques in this book are mostly from the Flying Star School and the Form School of East Asia. The vaastu principles are from the northern Indian school. The ancient Chinese philosophy, stories and quotes from Confucius and other sages are largely genuine and come from texts up to 2 500 years old. The extracts from ‘Some Gleanings of Oriental Wisdom’ are by CF Wong, with spelling and grammar corrections by J McQuinnie.

  First published in 2002

  This edition published in Australia and New Zealand by

  Allen & Unwin in 2009

  Copyright © Nury Vittachi 2002

  All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical, including photocopying, recording or by any information storage and retrieval system, without prior permission in writing from the publisher. The Australian Copyright Act 1968 (the Act) allows a maximum of one chapter or 10 per cent of this book, whichever is the greater, to be photocopied by any educational institution for its educational purposes provided that the educational institution (or body that administers it) has given a remuneration notice to Copyright Agency Limited (CAL) under the Act.

  Allen & Unwin

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  Australia

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  National Library of Australia

  Cataloguing-in-Publication entry:

  Vittachi, Nury, 1958–

  The feng shui detective goes south

  ISBN: 978 1 74175 553 4 (pbk.)

  823.92

  Cover and text designed by Design by Committee

  Typeset by Midland Typesetters, Australia

  Printed in Australia by McPherson’s Printing Group

  10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1

  The pages of this book are printed on 100% ancient-forest

  friendly paper.

  The paper this book is printed on is certified by the © 1996 Forest Stewardship Council A.C. (FSC). The printer holds FSC chain of custody SCS-COC-004121. The FSC promotes environmentally responsible, socially beneficial and economically viable management of the world’s forests.

  Contents

  1 Saturday: Dying is very bad feng shui

  2 Monday: Crimes committed by dead people

  3 Tuesday: No such thing as ghosts

  4 Wednesday: Life is not a mini-series

  5 Thursday: Ghosts can’t get any deader

  6 Friday: A perfect death

  7 Monday: With human hands

  Saturday:

  Dying

  is very bad

  feng shui

  ‘Endings are a type of beginning’

  – CF Wong

  There was something seriously wrong with the apartment, but he did not have the faintest idea what it was. He closed his eyes, tilted his head upwards and inhaled deeply, seeking to strike some sort of harmony with his environment. He held his breath—for one long minute.

  Then he let it out again. As the air flowed from his lungs, he tried to empty himself and become one with his surroundings.

  A tiny but sharp feeling of discord remained. ‘Not good, not good,’ he mumbled to himself.

  But why was it not good? He opened his eyes and scanned the clean, bright rooms again, his brows knotted and lips pursed. What was so bad about the place?

  He became aware that his discomfort was perturbing his client.

  ‘Something wrong, right?’ Cady Tsai-Leibler said, pausing over her teapot.

  Before he could answer, there was the noise of glass shattering in a room nearby. Without moving, the young mother shouted: ‘Melly? Did you break something? Be careful, okay?’

  ‘Okay, Mama,’ said the voice of a small girl over the sound of pieces of glass being swept across a tiled floor by a shoe.

  Mrs Tsai-Leibler lowered her James Sadler teapot and went to investigate.

  Happier to be alone, CF Wong cast his eyes around the room again.

  The 1712-square-foot apartment in a subdivided house in the rural part of Singapore’s Ridley Park seemed perfect. It had been carefully selected by its new owners for its position. The building stood on a gentle slope on a plot overlooking one of the old black-and-whites. It had a breathable open space to the front and was pleasingly if rather boringly proportioned as a series of rectangles on three stories. But it just didn’t feel right.

  ‘Must think,’ said the feng shui master, flopping down in a seat on the small balcony that looked over a tastefully designed Chinese garden.

  According to the technical demands of the ancient beliefs of geographical placement, it was fine. The block was a rectangular construction on an almost square podium, and belonged to the K’un orientation, with its door facing south-west. The main room faced due west of the centre. This was one of the more prosperous directions for the main living space, and was known as the Direction of the Celestial Physician.

  There was a potential clash within the flow of ch’i moving from the kitchen to the second bedroom which was directly opposite, but nothing that couldn’t be fixed with the judicious placing of suitable objects to catch and divert any unsuitable rush of water or fire energy.

  The salmon gloss the woman of the house had chosen for the main room would have been uncomfortable for many people, but he realised that it was perfect for her. Calida ‘Cady’ Tsai-Leibler, an executive secretary of Hong Kong origin married to a dentist from New York, was a wood person born under the sign of the ram.

  ‘Mutyeh si?’ he breathed, tapping his knuckles against the side of his forehead. What was the matter?

  The family had owned the apartment for three weeks, but had only moved in two days earlier. Although much of the furniture had been unpacked and laid out, the main living area remained pleasantly uncluttered. Wong was pleased to see that Mrs Tsai-Leibler had gone for an American-style open plan design, rather than the jam-packed every-centimetre-used style char
acteristic of Hong Kong flats. The apartment, as it stood, had a series of pleasant routes through which ch’i could flow and pool itself. So what was wrong?

  The door to a room being used to store boxes yet to be unpacked swung open and Mrs Tsai-Leibler’s husband entered the living room. A large, unsmiling man with a glowering forehead, his presence immediately made the room too small.

  ‘Finished?’ Gibson Leibler growled, directing his comment at his wife rather than at the feng shui master. His face said: I hope so.

  ‘Mr Wong’s just taking a last look round,’ Cady Tsai-Leibler piped, suddenly fidgety.

  Dr Leibler, still facing his wife, said crisply: ‘I think the apartment is fine.’ The clear implication was that this was the only opinion that counted.

  ‘It’s mostly fine, yes?’ the meek woman said, turning to Wong with a note of pleading in her voice. ‘I mean, maybe there’s just something small-small a bit wrong we can fix. But mostly it’s okay . . . ?’ She trailed off. She appeared to have shrunk several centimetres since her partner had entered the room.

  The feng shui master ventured that her husband was unsettled by his presence and the reading should be ended as quickly as possible.

  Dr Leibler, a tall, overweight man in his mid-30s, turned to face Wong. ‘I think the apartment’s fine, Mr Feng Shui Man,’ he said. ‘What do you think?’

  ‘Ver’ nice,’ said a suddenly nervous Wong, nodding like a dashboard toy. ‘Clean, bright, quite good.’

  ‘So we don’t need to change anything.’ The voice was little more than a low rumble.

  Was it a question? Wong looked at the expression on the man’s face and realised it was a statement of fact.

  ‘Mr Wong likes the flat,’ the dental surgeon’s wife fluted. ‘He think it’s fine, most of it.’ She said the last three words almost under her breath.

  The feng shui master nodded again. Then his head tilted to one side. ‘Only one thing wrong.’

  Dr Leibler’s face muscles dropped slightly, causing his fake, barely-there smile to disappear. ‘And what would that be?’ he asked, his chest expanding.

  ‘I don’t know,’ said the geomancer, looking around desperately.

  The obvious visual demerit of the apartment was the wrought iron bars on the windows, which made the apartment look like a prettified prison. Wong knew that isolated dwellings could be popular targets for cat burglars in Singapore. The previous owner had placed bars on every window, and a steel-grilled outer door at the entrance to the flat. Yet such fittings were extremely common in the security-conscious city-state, and residents failed to find them ugly or objectionable in any way.

  Numbers tumbled through the feng shui master’s mind. He had earlier checked the birth dates of Mrs Tsai-Leibler, her husband and her child, comparing them to the construction date of the building. This was an unusually old block by local standards, first built in the 1950s, but substantially rebuilt in 1972 and again in 1991. But there was no clash in the dates that could not be easily fixed with some minor acts of physical mitigation.

  Also present in the apartment was a quiet, rather broody-looking young Hong Kong woman named Madeleine, who had been introduced to him as Mrs Tsai-Leibler’s cousin. But he’d been told she was only staying a week. Nevertheless, he had given her birth chart a perfunctory examination, and found no clash with the dates attached to the property.

  In short, it was rare to find an apartment that was absolutely perfect for a family, but this one was close.

  Yet he remained irritatingly aware there were always two major aspects to any reading of a dwelling place: the technical reading and the non-technical one. The first he did with his lo pan, plus books, charts, magnets, and a close study of the floor plan of the house and map of the surrounding area.

  The second was simultaneously much easier and much harder. It was done without tools, and consisted of measuring the settledness of the dwelling. For this, a feng shui master had no tools but his own spirit. The apartment: Was it still? Was it disturbed? Was it fresh? Was it aged? Was it empty? Was it occupied? Was it ready? Was it going to be comfortable for the person who was going to use it? Dweller and dwelling needed to be in the same key, the same register. Yet most people had little awareness of the signals sent out by their inner selves, let alone any ability to detect anything about the spirit of their homes or offices. It was something he had to do for clients, at high speed during brief visits—never an easy job.

  ‘Something very small may be wrong, right?’ the still-shrinking Mrs Tsai-Leibler prompted. ‘You don’t like the salmon walls? I can change them. First I thought lime green. Lime green, is it better?’

  ‘Colour no problem, Mrs Tsai-Leibler,’ said Wong, who had the curious feeling that Mrs Tsai-Leibler was actually becoming transparent.

  ‘Pink? Beige?’ she offered, pronouncing it ‘beej’ in a Hong Kong accent. She clearly wanted to bring the session to an end.

  Wong looked around. What was wrong? Was it the light? It was late afternoon, and a rich but diffuse stream of super-heated tropical sunshine poured in through the french windows in the living room and picture window in the master bedroom. But the angle was steep and the glare did not proceed more than two metres or so into the main seating area. The apartment welcomed the sun without trapping it. The light was not a problem.

  Was there something outside he had missed? He scanned the horizon for the twentieth time. Although there was no obvious geological dragon guarding the premises, nor was there anything overtly negative. As well as the old black-and-white house set slightly to the west, there was lush vegetation and some exceptionally fine fruit trees visible straight ahead and to the east. It was a stately view by which the home could only be enriched. The malevolence was not external.

  ‘Mr Wong noticed that the tap in the kitchen leaks, and the shower head drips,’ Mrs Tsai-Leibler said to break the uncomfortable silence.

  Her husband folded his arms. ‘So I suppose that symbolises money or good luck flowing away,’ he rumbled with a sneer in his voice. ‘So do we need to put a goldfish in the bath? What does a feng shui man do when his tap is dripping?’

  ‘Call a plumber,’ replied Wong, pronouncing the ‘b’.

  The dental surgeon stared at the visitor, apparently attempting to work out whether he was being mocked. But the geomancer’s face showed no emotion.

  ‘There are two dead bulbs in the flat and the door to the second bedroom sticks,’ the woman of the household tentatively added. ‘And one of the wall sockets has no electricity.’

  Her husband scowled. ‘You don’t need a feng shui master to point these things out. They’re all common sense stuff.’

  ‘Well you said you’d check all those things weeks ago and you didn’t do anything about them,’ she snapped, showing a surprising flash of anger.

  ‘I’ve been busy,’ the large man replied, unrepentant. ‘I would’ve gotten around to it.’

  ‘It took you six weeks to replace the bulbs in Melly’s old room, and then you got the wrong ones.’

  ‘I’m a busy man.’

  Wong butted in. ‘I can arrange man to fix socket, light bulbs, can get plumber if you want.’

  Dr Leibler ignored him, having refocused his hostility at his tiny, cowering wife.

  The geomancer prattled on. ‘Many feng shui advice is like common sense. If your environment not functioning, if doors in your house sticking, for example, then doors of opportunity in your life maybe also sticking, you see? Fix dripping taps in house: this makes you change attitude, fix metaphorical dripping taps in your life, get tighter control, understand or not? Partly, feng shui is about attitude. About taking control.

  Take control of physical environment. Make you take control of non-physical elements of your life. See or not?’

  The dentist turned to stare at the geomancer, evidently surprised at this relatively long utterance from the ethereal, taciturn visitor. The interruption had halted the argument.

  ‘Let us yum cha,’ Mrs Tsai-L
eibler said, trying a different tack. ‘Drink some tea. We can all relax. Then we finish.’ She made big eyes at her husband for approval.

  Gibson Leibler scowled at the tray of teacups and then walked over to the kitchen, from whence he returned clutching an open bottle of chilled Anchor.

  Wong looked down at the pungent, sweet-smelling liquid in the cup she had placed into his hand. It wasn’t what he would have called tea.

  His hostess noticed. ‘Sorry. We don’t have ching cha. This is herb tea. Popular in America. Mango Kiwi Zinger flavour.

  I think you’ll like it.’

  The geomancer smelled the tea—and suddenly looked up and smiled. ‘I have it,’ he said.

  ‘You have Mango Kiwi Zinger tea?’ asked Mrs Tsai-Leibler.

  ‘I have the answer,’ said the feng shui man, putting down his cup and springing to his feet.

  Dr Leibler watched the unwelcome visitor carefully.

  Wong smiled. The flat smelt wrong. There was a barely detectable odour in the building. And it was a wrong odour, a bad odour, an evil odour, a tiny but uncomfortable smell that disturbed the otherwise perfect tranquility of the spot.

  He strode around the living room, flaring his wide, flat nostrils to locate the source of the smell.

  ‘You worked out what’s wrong with flat?’ Mrs Tsai-Leibler asked, suddenly interested again.

  ‘Yes,’ said Wong, a broad grin of relief breaking out on his face. Mystery solved—and just in time. He inhaled deeply to confirm his suspicions. He sensed a low but unmistakable mix of smells: the heady tang of something like paraffin, the sharp odor of carbon, and the sour smell of ash.

  ‘The house is on fire,’ he explained.

  ‘Oh dear,’ said Mrs Tsai-Leibler. The designer teapot fell from her hand and shattered on the floor.

  Dr Gibson Leibler leapt to his feet. He sniffed once, and then raced to the door. He threw it open—and had to sharply pull his fingers away from the hot handle. Almost immediately, there were flames crawling up both sides of the door. He let out a lengthy string of expletives in a furious wet splutter.

  ‘Don’t!’ scolded Cady Tsai-Leibler. ‘Melly can hear.’