Crash Into Me (The Wicked Wingmen Series Book 1)

by DD Sparxx

  He was so handsome. His eyes were completely filled with love. I tugged his lips to mine. We kissed long and slow under the moonlight, taking our time, not feeling the need to rush it.

  Ford started singing to me, Boyz II Men’s “On Bended Knee”. When he got to the part about making me his wife and raising a family my emotions took hold of me, and I felt my face crumple. As much as I tried to fight them, I couldn’t stop the tears that threatened to spill and they glided swiftly down my cheeks.

  I saw concern crease his handsome features as his hands came up and cupped my face, his thumbs brushing my tears away.

  “I’m sorry, princess. The last thing I wanted to do was upset you. I meant it when I said no pressure. I don’t expect us to rush anything.”

  I started to cry harder as I shook my head to try to stop him. I placed my hands over his and knelt, pulling him with me to the ground, the music still playing in the background.

  “That’s not it. I know you don’t get it. You c-can’t because I never told you. I was too afraid.” I was sobbing now, unable to control myself.

  Ford stopped the music and handed me a napkin, then took my free hand in his, rubbing his thumb across the back of my hand. His other brushed the tears from my face.

  “I thought it was easier to make the decision on my own. To spare you from the grief that I was feeling and from a future that was filled with regret and wasn’t what you envisioned for yourself,” I muttered.

  “The only thing I’ve ever wanted was a future with you. You just left. I was shredded when I got home and you were gone.” I could hear the pain in his voice.

  I looked up at him and remembered my dream from the night before, how angry he had been with me. Then I looked at our joined hands and drew some strength.

  “That’s all I ever wanted, too. It was all I ever dreamed about. But then, while you were gone…” I shook my head, not sure how to proceed so that he would understand.

  I stared at our hands again. “I thought I had to go. That there was no choice. That the decision had been made for me. It made everything crystal clear as far as I was concerned. I just needed to be strong enough to follow through with it. And if I waited for you to come home, I know I would’ve been weak and selfish.” I glanced up at him. “You don’t get it because I still haven’t told you. I’m not sure you’ll still want me once I do,” I whispered.

  “You’re not making any sense. Of course I want you, princess. Nothing could change that. The past is the past.” He looked at me confused, shaking his head. “We don’t have to talk about-”

  I plowed ahead, cutting him off, afraid that if I stopped I wouldn’t be able to make myself tell him.

  “Yes, we do. I can’t keep putting it off. I was too afraid before, and I’m still afraid now. Terrified, if I’m being honest, but a good friend pointed out that you should be able to make the decision for yourself and she’s right. I owe that to both of us. What I have to say might change everything.”

  I glanced one more time at our joined hands again for courage. “First, let me start by saying I’m so sorry. I want you to know that I was young, and impulsive, and, and stupid! I thought I was doing what was best for you and your future. I know now that I should have talked to you before I just took off. I was just so scared that you’d try to talk me into changing my mind. And maybe you would have, and maybe I wouldn’t be second-guessing my choice to go now.” I knew I was rambling, but I couldn’t seem to stop myself. “Or, maybe you wouldn’t have tried to stop me at all and everything would’ve turned out the way it is now, minus our reunion. We’d have just gone our separate ways. Or, or maybe you’d have changed my mind and I wouldn’t have ever grown into the woman I am today. But, then I might’ve always wondered if I had made the right decision for you and for me. Don’t you get it?” I shook my head at my own idiocy. “I was trying to be selfless. That’s what you do when you love someone. I gave you up so you could find someone else and be happy.” I spat out angrily.

  “Ella, I’m really not following anything that you’re saying. I was happy. I thought we were happy.” He gestured to the space between us. I could tell from the look on his face that he was trying to be sympathetic to whatever it was I was trying to tell him, but that he was utterly confused by my disjointed thought process.

  “We were, then everything changed. That’s what I’m trying to tell you. I just can’t find the right words…” I knew I might lose him.

  “What changed exactly? Maybe you should take a breath and try starting at the beginning,” he suggested.

  “The beginning.” I nodded, closing my eyes, “Of course.”

  I took a deep, shuddering breath and exhaled like he suggested, thought for a second and started again. “The beginning was a long time ago, even before I knew you really. It sounds so odd to start with this but it really is where it all began. When I was younger, I was diagnosed with endometriosis. Basically, it’s when tissue that is normally found in the uterus grows in other areas of the body, like the ovaries and fallopian tubes. It’s awkward to talk about, but basically I had really debilitating cramps and horrible periods.”

  He nodded. “Ok, I remember you telling me something about that when we were together. I still don’t understand how that would have anything to do with-”

  I shook my head gently and cut him off by raising my hand, “Please just let me finish. I promise I’m getting there. Anyways, remember I had that IUD implanted when we were together so we didn’t have to worry about birth control?”

  He nodded again. I took a quick breath. “Well, I also did it because it was a device the doctors said would help treat my endometriosis symptoms. So, it was a win/win in my opinion. Only it wasn’t. Do you remember how upset I was when you were leaving for that deployment?”

  “Yeah,” he acknowledged, waiting for me to continue.

  “I was a complete wreck. I couldn’t get my emotions under control. I didn’t know what was wrong with me. I always missed you when you went, but this time was just really, really hard on me. After you left, I rallied. Well, I tried to rally. I was depressed and exhausted, I cried literally every day. I somehow managed to fake it though. You know the whole ‘fake it til you make it’ thing. I figured it couldn’t hurt to try it. I didn’t want to get out of bed or leave the apartment, but I forced myself. I went to work and compelled myself to function like normal. A couple weeks after you left, I started to get nauseous and my boobs were really sore. And, suddenly, all of these little things started to add up in my mind. I usually got really light periods once the IUD had been inserted but, when I checked my calendar, I saw I hadn’t had one in well over a month. I told myself I was being ridiculous but I went and bought a pregnancy test anyways.”

  “I was shaking when I came home and took it. That was the longest three minutes of my life, but when I saw the double lines I stood there in shock. I knew it couldn’t possibly be right. So, I went back to the store and bought a bunch more and rushed home again to take them. Every single one had two lines on it. I didn’t know how to feel. I was excited, but nervous. I mean it wasn’t like we planned for a child, but I loved you. I wanted to have your baby.” My right hand instinctively touched my stomach and my eyes welled with tears. “We had talked about the future so much, and kids were such a big part of what we envisioned. I knew we’d find a way to make it work. I decided I was going to tell you as soon as you got back from your deployment. I wanted to wait so I could see your face when I told you.”

  “You were pregnant?” Ford whispered with a shocked look on his face, his eyes searching my own.

  “I was.” I smiled sweetly at the memory.

  “I called the doctor’s office and they set up an appointment for me to come in. It’s not safe to have an IUD inserted while you’re pregnant. The appointment was set for a few days later to remove it. Before I got to the appointment, though, I started having a lot of pain in my abdomen. I didn’t know what was normal and what wasn’t, so I called the doctor’s o
ffice again. The nurse told me that a lot of women experience cramping and that it was probably nothing to be concerned with. That I could be dehydrated and try to drink more water. But the pain was really intense. Instinctively I knew she was wrong. That something was wrong. So, I started Googling. Google had all sorts of horror stories on it. I was terrified, so I called my sister and shared everything that was happening to me with her. She asked if I wanted her to fly out and I told her no. But she was on our doorstep the next morning and I had never been more grateful for the stubbornness gene that runs in our family.”

  “I’m glad she could be there for you when I couldn’t. I still can’t believe that you were pregnant.” He continued rubbing the back of my hand and waited patiently for me to continue. “What happened?”

  “My appointment was scheduled for the next day. Lucy went with me. When I went in the room, the doctor removed the IUD and said she was going to do a sonogram to determine how far along I was. She asked if I wanted to invite Lucy to come in with me. Of course, I said yes. She held my hand as the doctor inserted the sonogram wand and pointed to where we should look on the screen.”

  I stared off into the distance, completely caught up in the memory that I had buried for so long, and felt my eyes well with fresh tears. “At first, she couldn’t find the baby, but we could hear its heartbeat so she kept looking. She moved that wand around and around and then finally looked back up at me with a terrible sadness in her eyes.” I swallowed hard as my tears spilled onto my cheeks, my voice now came out in a whisper. “I knew in that moment that something was really, really wrong. She pointed to the screen and I could see the sac. She told me the baby had implanted in my fallopian tube instead of in my uterus. It’s what is called an ectopic pregnancy. She continued on to say I was going to have to terminate the pregnancy and based on the size of the baby that she probably wouldn’t be able to save that tube. I remember just staring at her and shaking my head.”

  I looked back up at his face. It was filled with sadness, his eyes had tears in them. “I had only known for a few days but I was already so attached to our baby and the idea of us becoming a family. I loved it. You have to believe me when I say I wanted it. I wanted it more than I had ever wanted anything else in my life before. And now, here she was telling me I had to terminate it. She went on to tell me that there was no chance the baby would be viable. No chance it could make it to term, and that if I didn’t terminate it very soon, that the tube would rupture and that I could die from internal hemorrhaging.” I sniffled, tears still streaming down my face. “I didn’t have a choice. I didn’t have a choice, but I still felt like I killed our baby. I heard its heartbeat…”

  Ford pulled me into his arms, shushing me and stroking my head, rocking us back and forth. “There was nothing you could do, princess. You said so yourself. The doctor told you there was no choice to be made. This is why you left? You’ve blamed yourself all of this time for something that was completely out of your control?”

  “There’s more,” I whispered into his chest. This is what I was most afraid to tell him. The More. “When they went in, my tube was literally about to rupture and she couldn’t save it. After the surgery, she told me my other tube was severely damaged from the endometriosis and that I would probably never be able to give birth to a child of my own. She said there was a much higher chance of having another ectopic pregnancy once you had already had one. She started talking about grief counseling and support groups that I should seek out, but I felt myself go numb and I tuned her out. Lucy took me home where I cried and cried. I locked myself in our bedroom for a few days, only coming out to get a drink or use the bathroom. She kept trying to get me to eat, but I had no appetite. When I did finally come out I felt like a zombie. I didn’t know how to tell you,” I gasped for a breath, “Uh, how to tell you any of it really. This wasn’t the sort of discussion you have over the phone or via email. So, instead, I ran and gave you your freedom. I knew how much you wanted children, and now, I couldn’t be the one to give them to you. I forced Lucy to help me find a place and I moved. I hated leaving you that letter, but I knew if I saw you I wouldn’t be able to go through with it and do the right thing. What I thought was the right thing, for you.”

  “But it wasn’t the right thing. We would’ve worked it out, Ella. I loved you. We would’ve found our way, together. Do you have any idea the hell I went through trying to find you? Your family wouldn’t tell me anything at all.” His voice wavered, sadness tinged with anger, I could feel his tears in my hair.

  “Please don’t hate my family. I made them promise they wouldn’t help you find me. I thought a clean break would help you move on. They all told me I was acting like a crazy person. That I needed to talk to you. That I was being rash. But they just didn’t understand. I had always thought I was going to be a mom someday. That ultimately, we would have a family of our own. Together. The future looked so different now. And I knew I couldn’t take away your dream of having a family.” I pulled back and shrugged, lifting my hands palms up in front of me.

  “Ella, that’s-”

  I closed my eyes and shook my head in defeat. The tears still fell freely as I whispered once again, “I wasn’t good enough for you anymore. I was damaged.”

  “Oh, princess, don’t say that, don’t you ever say that.” He pulled me back into the security of his embrace.

  “It’s true, though,” I continued in a whisper. “I’m broken inside. I know now that I can’t offer you everything that I once thought I could. And you definitely deserve so much more than what I can offer you. But this past week, being with you again, it’s been amazing.” I looked up into his eyes, allowing myself to be completely bare before him for the first time. “And selfishly, even after all this time, I still want you more than anything else in the world. If you’ll still have me, that is.”

  49

  Ford

  Hearing her whisper those words and knowing she believed them completely broke my heart and made it soar at the same time. It was a lot to process, but it didn’t change anything. Now that I knew what the problem was, I knew without a doubt we’d be able to get past it. I pulled her back so I could look into her big eyes.

  “Ella, my sweet princess, don’t you see. I love you for you. Yes, I would have loved to have had a family with you, and there are plenty of ways that could still happen if we were to decide we want it. But it’s you; it’s always been you. I want to be with you. I want to spend my life with you. You’re not broken. You’re perfect in my eyes. Nothing you could tell me yesterday, today or tomorrow would ever change the way I feel about you. I love you. I’ve never stopped loving you. I want a future with you and I want whatever that future might hold. Having you by my side is all that matters. We’ll face whatever life throws at us together.”

  I saw the sadness start to dissipate from her eyes and hope and love take its place.

  “You don’t hate me? You still want me, even knowing…?”

  “Stop that.” I pressed a finger to her lips. “I still want you, princess. Didn’t you hear what I just said? I love you. You’re perfect to me, in every way. What if I couldn’t give you babies? Would you still want to be with me?”

  I saw clarity flash across her face as if a light bulb had gone off. “Of course, I would.”

  I pulled her into me and planted a gentle kiss on her lips.

  She pulled back, a smile brightening her tear stained face. “I love you, Ford. So much. I don’t know what I’ve ever done to deserve you, but I want this, I want us. I’m sorry I ever doubted it. Please say you’ll forgive me.”

  “I forgave you for leaving the moment I set eyes on you at The Ultra Lounge. I don’t need to forgive you for what happened, there’s nothing there to forgive. It wasn’t your fault. I’m just sorry I wasn’t here for you. You should have let me be there for you.”

  “I couldn’t handle the thought of you pitying me or staying with me out of obligation. Lucy told me I wasn’t thinking straight, she said
my hormones were affecting my judgement, but I just, I don’t know. I didn’t see another option back then.”

  “At least she was there for you when I couldn’t be. Even if she couldn’t make you see reason, I’m glad you weren’t alone. Please, promise me you’ll never keep anything from me again.”

  “I promise, baby, I promise. Nothing, ever again.”

  “What do you say we pack it in? It’s getting late and I want to take you home and show you just how much I love you.” I stood, tugging her to her feet and pulled her into my arms. I held her tight for a few seconds under the moonlight, just breathing in her scent.

  “Sounds heavenly. In your arms is the only place I want to be.”

  “I plan to keep you there for a long, long while. Hope you aren’t tired, cuz it’s going to be a real late night.”

  By the time we pulled into her driveway, I was beyond ready to continue what we had so briefly started the night before. I parked the truck and she let us into the house. I followed her in and pushed the door shut with my foot, then quickly reached behind me to lock it.

  She turned at the sound and I pulled her into my arms. Her arms weaved behind my neck and her face tilted up to mine. I looked in her eyes and saw there were no more clouds of doubt, no more secrets. She was completely vulnerable in that moment.

  “I love you,” she whispered again. I’d never get tired of hearing it.

  “I’m going to show you just how much I love you, right now, princess. I’m going to worship every single inch of your body.” My mouth crushed hers in a punishing kiss. As much as I wanted to cherish her, I wanted her to know I was angry about all the time we had wasted being apart. My hands pulled her roughly against my body and I tilted my pelvis into her.

  She groaned into my mouth and my hands slid to her ass and lifted her up. Her legs automatically wrapped around my waist and I heard her shoes hit the floor. I carried her down the hall to her bedroom.