Knox didn’t look shaken. They’d been through this before.
“No worries,” he said, holding his hands up. “I don’t want to cause any problems.”
“You sure you have to leave?” she asked him.
“Yeah, I have to get going, anyways. I told my mom I’d meet her for a late dinner. I just wanted to congratulate Sam, see the family. See you,” he said, looking up at her. She felt her heartbeat quickening, and she instinctively took a step closer to him. “Funny, I was just thinking, I’ve now been to one of Sam’s grad parties, and none of yours,” he said with a sly smile.
Bria smiled back, leaning up against his car.
“Wow,” she said. “I haven’t thought about that night in years.”
SIXTEEN
Then, Bria’s Graduation
Bria looked at herself in the mirror one last time, staring at herself up and down. This wasn’t exactly what she thought she’d look like on her graduation day. Her hair was frizzing up under her cap, and she couldn’t get the foundation that her mom had lent her to blend. She felt overdone, fake. But, as she took a deep breath, she realized this was all she had to work with.
“Come on, Bria!” Joe called up the stairs. “Jeesh, that girl will be late to her own funeral.”
“I heard that,” she called back, making her way down the stairs. Louise was already crying while taking pictures. Sam and Katie were already complaining about the heat, and Bria was already dreading the next few hours of her life. It was tradition in Dalesville for the graduation ceremony to be held on the football field, fresh smell of manure and all. She actually liked the idea of the tradition, but the heat was going to make it unbearable.
As they pulled into the school parking lot, she felt her phone buzz in her hand.
Congrats baby cakes. Knock em dead. And plz don’t trip on stage.
Bria felt her face relax into a smile. Always there when she needed him. With the commotion of her final exams and getting ready for graduation, she hadn’t seen Knox in a few days, and suddenly, realizing that now, she missed him terribly. She had to get through a few hours of scorching heat and laughing at the principal’s attempts at pleasing his teenage crowd, but then, he’d be there. She kissed her parents before running down from the car, as fast as she could in her three-inch wedges, to the field.
As soon as the ceremony was over, Courtney and the other members of the student council walked around handing out yearbooks, and Courtney stopped Bria.
“Congrats on your superlative win!” she said. Bria raised an eyebrow. She hadn’t even realized she was nominated.
“What did you win?” Sam asked as Bria fumbled through the pages. There, at the back of the book under the Senior Superlatives, was a picture of her, running the cross country course. Her face was fierce, the muscles in her arms bulging out, the next girl just a blur in the background behind her. Above it read: “Most Likely to Leave Dalesville.” Beneath it, the caption read: “We all know Bria is a runner. And we bet she will be running for the hills. . . or away from them. . . the second she graduates!”
She smiled. She hadn’t realized that she had been so vocal about wanting to leave. And then, as her parents both faked a smile, Bria realized they had no idea how badly she wanted to get out. And she immediately felt like the lowest branch on her family tree.
Ever since things had gone downhill so quickly with Katie’s diagnosis and never-ending treatment, taking her family’s financial security with them, Bria found herself in dire need of some new scenery. She wasn’t exactly sure how, but she felt like if she went away to school, and maybe even stayed away after college, she had a chance to avoid the same problems she had at home. She could get a good job, make money, and escape the bad luck that seemed to be attached to her last name. She was holding onto the notion that those problems would stay in Dalesville, unable to follow her.
She closed the book, and her parents dutifully went to task snapping pictures of Bria with every one of her friends and her favorite teachers. As Bria posed with a few people, even Courtney Blake, she realized that she had checked out of high school long before she had actually graduated.
After a few more minutes of painfully forced hugs, congratulations, and explaining her future plans to parents of classmates she hadn’t seen since elementary school, Bria was saved by her mother, who put a hand on her shoulder. Finally, Louise had snapped into party mode, and began rushing them all toward the parking lot.
“Come on, guys, we have a lot to do before the party starts.” Joe, Bria, Katie, and Sam took turns making faces and rolling their eyes behind Louise’s head.
When she got home, Bria changed into the lacy green party dress her mother had bought her for her party, and tried desperately to fix the mess that was her hair. She looked down at her phone.
What time will you be here? she sent to him. No response.
A few hours went by, and a few people had already started showing up. Her family, some of her friends from the team, Coach Boone. Mari and her family, Courtney and her followers.
But still no Knox.
Bria played hostess well; it was one of the skills each of the Kreery girls had inherited from their mother. She spent time with every single guest, asking them about their parents, or kids, or their plans for college next year, depending on who it was. Teddy appeared from around the side of the house. She ran to him, giving him a Knox-like hug.
“Hey,” she said.
“Hey, congratulations!” he said, handing her a card that his mother probably bought.
“Thanks. Is Knox on his way?” she asked. Teddy shrugged.
“I thought maybe he was already here. I haven’t heard from him all week,” he said. She nodded, pulling out her phone again.
Hello? she sent. Still nothing.
Bria felt a ball of nerves forming in the pit of her stomach, but she wasn’t quite sure why.
After an hour, Joe pulled her away from some of her friends.
“Hon, your mom and I would like to say a few words about you,” he said. She nodded.
“Okay, can I have five minutes?” she asked.
“Sure.”
She made her way to the front of the house and pulled out her phone, dialing him frivolously. Ring, ring, ring. No answer. Dammit, Knox.
“Hey, you comin’ around back?” Sam appeared on the front porch. Bria was quiet for a moment, staring down at her phone. She slowly shook her head.
“Sam, I have to go.”
“Go? Go where? It’s your party,” she said.
“Can you cover for me? Just try to stall?” Bria said, walking toward her car.
“Bria? Bria!” Sam called out to her.
“Please, Sam. I need to. . . I just have to run out. I’ll be back.”
She knew she was going at least fifteen over the speed limit the entire way to the Knoxvilles’ but she didn’t give a damn. When she pulled in, the only car in the driveway was Knox’s. She hopped out of her car, running around to the back of the house in her party dress. She let herself in, quietly tip-toeing toward his bedroom. She knocked lightly, but there was no answer.
“Knox?” she whispered. She froze for a moment. God, what was she about to see? What was she about to witness?
She opened the door slowly, the hall light sending a stream of light cascading through his room. She saw him, balled up in his bed, covers pulled up to his chin. He rolled over slowly to look at her. She silently sighed in relief.
“B, what are you doing here?” he asked, his voice scratchy, as if he hadn’t spoken in days. Her heart sunk. Here he was, her best friend, all alone. He needed her. He needed her bad. She slipped her shoes off and climbed up the bed, settling in next to him.
“B, what are you doing here?” he asked again, his eyes wide in the dark now. “You’re missing your own party.”
She smiled at him, reaching out slowly to stroke his face. She propped herself up on the pillow next to him, lifting his head lightly and resting it on her chest.
> “This is the only party I want to be at,” she whispered. She felt his hand reach up, squeezing her arm.
“B, I can’t let you miss it,” he whispered, and she wasn’t sure if he was crying.
“Shh,” she said. “I’m not going anywhere without you.”
For a while, they sat in complete silence, their heads resting on one another as they watched T.V. Bria made popcorn, knowing that he likely hadn’t eaten anything substantial for a few days. A few hours passed, and she awoke to him stirring in the bed next to her. She reached around for her phone. Shit. It was past midnight, and she had fourteen missed calls from her parents. Shit, shit, shit.
She scooted to the edge of the bed, pulling her shoes back on.
“Hey,” he said, sitting up sleepily.
“Hey,” she said. “I gotta go. My parents are looking for me.”
“Oh, God, B, you missed the whole thing,” he said, putting his hands to his head.
“Hey, look at me,” she said, reaching out and pulling them down. “I was right where I was supposed to be. Now, hang out tomorrow?”
It took him a moment, but a faint smile appeared on his face. He nodded.
“B?” he asked before she reached for the doorknob. “I’d be lost without you.”
She couldn’t respond with anything but a bashful smile and a wink before slipping out. She pulled into her driveway and climbed out of her car as quietly as she possibly could. All the cars that had been parked in front of their house were gone, and only a few empty cups remained outside. She hopped up the porch steps, quietly turning the doorknob, and tiptoeing inside, until she saw her parents, seated at the kitchen table waiting for her. Her shoulders dropped.
“Hi,” she muttered.
“Sit down,” Louise said. It took Bria aback. She wasn’t used to this tone, despite the fact that she totally deserved it. She did what she was told.
“Where were you?” her father asked.
“I was. . . I was at Knox’s,” she said. Her father hung his head, rubbing his eyes.
“What? At Ben’s? Why?” Louise asked. But before Bria could answer, Louise popped up from the table, pacing the kitchen. “Do you understand you missed almost your entire party? You missed the Grants, the Peters, The Hardens, the whole damn neighborhood. You missed your grandparents, and Nellie Goldstein.”
“You missed everything,” her dad said. “We didn’t even get to give you our toast.”
Bria stared down at her folded hands on the table.
“I’m so sorry,” she finally muttered, failing miserably to stop the tears from streaming down her face.
“Just tell us why,” her mother said, making her way back to the table. “Why did you go to Ben’s? Why wasn’t he here?”
Bria swallowed hard, wiping her tears on the back of her hand. She had never talked about Knox’s problem to anyone. She’d never told a soul about his moods, his bad spells. Not even Mari or Sam. She felt like she would be betraying him, sharing a secret that wasn’t hers to tell.
But the truth was, Bria was scared. She wasn’t sure how to help him. She knew lying in bed with him for hours, or even days at a time wasn’t healthy. It wasn’t a solution. But she didn’t know what else to do. So she just laid there and held him until he smiled again.
“Knox has this . . .this problem,” she finally said.
“What kind of problem?” Joe asked, leaning in. Her mother sat back down in the chair next to her. “B? What kind of problem?” Bria sniffed and wiped her face again, the damn foundation rubbing off everywhere.
“I guess he’s sort of. . . depressed.”
Both of her parents raised their eyebrows. Bria went on. “He has these days, well, sometimes weeks, where he’s just really sad. He won’t leave his room. And so usually we just lay there, and we watch T.V., and we just wait for it to pass. And tonight was one of those nights.”
Louise scooted her chair in closer to Bria, putting an arm around her shoulder.
“Oh, honey. How long has this been going on?” she asked. Bria shrugged.
“A few years now,” she said, “ever since his accident.” Louise looked to Joe, and back to Bria.
“Do his parents know?” Joe asked, reaching out for Bria’s hand. Bria nodded.
“They know he gets sad, but they say he’ll get over it. I don’t think they know how to help him, either.”
Joe sat back in his chair. “So that’s where you went tonight. To be with him.” he said.
Bria nodded. “I’m so sorry I missed the party. I just, I just got scared. Teddy hadn’t heard from him either, and I was just so scared that I was going to find him. . . I don’t know,” she said, actually sobbing now, unable to put her worst fear into words. Her mother pulled her in for a long hug, the kind only a mother can give.
“Oh, sweet Bria,” she whispered, “shh, it’s okay sweetheart.”
“That’s a lot of weight for you to bear, B,” Joe said, patting her hand.
“It really is, hon,” her mother said. “You love him.” Bria’s eyes flashed to her mother. “He’s your best friend. It’s okay for you to be there for him. But he might need more help that you can’t give him.”
“Have you thought about suggesting therapy to him?” Joe asked.
Bria shrugged. Despite everything she knew about Knox, there was something that felt too pushy about suggesting medical intervention.
“It could really help him, hon. He could learn some good techniques, maybe start some medication. I can help you look up a few therapists around here. He could go, and his parents don’t even have to know.”
“Yeah, honey. And you won’t always be able to be there for him. I mean, what will he do when you’re at college? Or when you start dating someone again?” Joe asked.
Bria hadn’t thought about any of this. She had stupidly just assumed that she’d always be able to hop in bed next to him whenever he needed. But they were right.
“Okay,” Bria said, accepting reality. Eventually, lying next to him wouldn’t work anymore. Although, sometimes for her, lying with him seemed to be the solution to all of life’s problems.
Louise and Joe stood up, surrounding Bria on either side with a joint hug, kissing her forehead and squeezing her tight.
“Guys?” Bria said when the moment was over.
“Hmm?”
“Is it too late to hear my toast?” she asked. Joe and Louise smiled at each other.
“We thought you’d never ask,” Joe said, reaching into his pocket for his reading glasses as Louise pulled a piece of paper off the island.
The next morning, Bria pulled back into the Knoxvilles’ driveway. Knox was out of bed, showered, and dressed when she got there.
As she drove him to the park, she felt the nerves swirling around in her stomach again. She shouldn’t be so worried about talking to her best friend, but she was. She felt like she was going to cross some invisible line.
“How are you feeling?” she asked as they each took a swing. He shrugged.
“Better today, I guess,” he said. “I feel so awful about your party. Were your parents upset?”
“They weren’t happy,” she said.
“What did you tell them?” he asked. She looked down.
“Well, I wasn’t exactly sure what to say. . .” she said, swallowing nervously. He nodded. “But listen, Knox, I want to talk to you about this.” She could feel him tensing up next to her.
“Okay.”
“Do you think it might help you to . . . maybe, see someone?”
“Someone?” he asked, raising an eyebrow. “Like a shrink?”
Bria nodded.
He barely paused to think, then shook his head. “No.”
“Do you think maybe you should?”
“No.”
“Why not?” she asked. He stood up from the swing.
“I don’t know. Because it’s not that big of a deal. I get over it. I’m fine.”
“But, it happens a lot. And you don’t have to f
eel like this.”
“I don’t feel like that all the time. I’m fine.”
“Knox. . .”
“Bria, I’m not seeing a shrink. I don’t need it being written down on paper somewhere that my head’s fucked up. I already know that. I’m good. I’m fine.”
She stood up, walking to him and throwing her arms around his waist. She rested her head on his chest and breathed him in.
“Promise me that you’ll think about it. But in the meantime, promise you’ll let me be there, when you need.”
She felt him let out a long breath, letting her arms coil a little tighter around his middle.
“I promise.”
SEVENTEEN
Now
“Hey, hon,” her dad said over the speakerphone in her car. “On your way home today, do you think you could stop at the pharmacy and grab Katie’s prescriptions? The doctor called in a few more today.”
“Yeah, of course,” Bria said. “I’ll be home within the hour.”
She walked through the drugstore while she waited for the prescriptions to be filled, smelling all the fancy lotions and half-painting her nails with a million different colors.
“Ms. Kreery,” the pharmacist called to her, “your prescriptions are ready.”
As she made her way to the back, she tripped over a display of umbrellas, sending about ten of them flying across the floor.
“Of course,” she said to herself, bending over to pick them up. She heard a laugh and looked up.
“So you haven’t grown out of that,” Knox said, crouching down to help her. She chuckled back at him, quickly brushing herself off and standing back up.
“Thanks. How are you?” she asked.
“I’m good,” he said. He was holding a white pharmacy bag, and he saw her eyeing it. “Happy pills,” he said with a nervous smile, jiggling the bag in front of her.
“Oh, wow,” she said, “good for you, Knox. That’s great.”
“Yeah,” he said looking down at the ground. “I couldn’t depend on you to come get me out of bed forever,” he said with a chuckle.
It Goes Without Saying Page 12
