by Marta Perry
He shoved that thought back in the corner. The situation with Susanna wasn’t the same thing at all.
He heard the door open, and despite himself his heart leaped. Susanna had come back.
Then he recognized the footsteps. His mother had returned, not Susanna.
He heard Mamm cross the kitchen. She came to the living room door, a big smile on her face, all ready to congratulate them. Then she saw his face, and the happiness faded.
“What happened?” She came straight to him, putting her hand on his shoulder. “Something has gone wrong.”
“Everything has gone wrong.” He shook his head. “I don’t want to talk about it.”
“Don’t be foolish. Of course you will talk about it.” Mamm wouldn’t take that for an answer, obviously. “Didn’t you ask Susanna to marry you?”
“I asked her. She said yes.”
“Well, then.” Mamm dragged a chair over to sit in front of him, leaning forward to look in his face. “I won’t leave until you tell me, Nathaniel. Out with it.”
It was the tone she’d used when he was a small boy trying to hide something from her. He’d never succeeded.
“I don’t know. Everything was fine. We were planning our future together. And then Susanna took offense at something I said. She was unreasonable. She just walked out.”
“That doesn’t sound like the Susanna I know.” Mamm put her hands on his knees, studying his expression. “Now tell me what you did.”
“I’m your son, Mammi. Shouldn’t you be on my side?”
“Not if you’ve done something wrong. What were you talking about that Susanna took offense at?”
“I was trying to explain the decision I’d made about the shop. You know, signing the papers to turn it over to the town.” He’d explained the possibility to Mamm first off.
“Wait. Are you saying you already did it? Without discussing it with Susanna first? What were you thinking?”
“You agreed it was the sensible thing to do.” He didn’t like the defensive note in his voice.
“Ja, I said it was sensible, but I am not Susanna. The shop meant so much to her, even more than it did to me, I sometimes think. You shouldn’t have decided without talking to her first.”
His jaw hardened. “I’m the man of the family. It’s my job to take care of everyone.”
“That doesn’t mean you should be telling everyone what to do.” Mamm shook her head, clearly exasperated. “You can be the boss in the store, but even there you shouldn’t be bossy. In a marriage, you have to be a partner.”
The temper he was trying to control slipped. “Like Daad, I suppose. I’m trying to take care of the people I love, not let others do it the way he did.”
“Nathaniel, if you were younger I’d take a switch to you for speaking that way about your father.” Her face had paled.
“You know I’m right.” Like it or not, it was the truth. “Daad never did a lick of work if he could get someone else to do it. He should have taken care of you.”
Mamm pressed her lips together, the lines in her face growing deeper, and he was angry with himself for hurting her.
“Your father was the person he was. I knew his faults when I married him, but I loved him anyway. Ach, Nate, don’t you know I want the best for you?”
“The best isn’t someone who’d walk away.”
“Are you talking about Susanna or Mary Ann?”
He could only gape at her. “You knew about Mary Ann?”
“Ja, I knew.” Her lips twisted. “Maybe I did wrong not talking to you about it at the time, but I thought you were coping the best you could.”
He shook his head. This was all too much to handle. “I don’t want to talk about it any further, Mamm.”
She got up slowly, her gaze fixed on him. “No, I guess talking isn’t helping. But you’d best spend some time thinking about it. Because if they both left, maybe they both had a reason.”
She turned away, leaving him feeling as if a load of bricks had just fallen on him.
* * *
Susanna
was feeling a little nervous as Chloe drove up the lane to Lydia’s house the next afternoon. She glanced at Chloe’s face, but she had seemed distracted the entire drive.
“I wouldn’t want Lydia to think I’m looking for pity.” She startled herself by saying it. “I mean, coming in on her with my troubles.”
“She’d be upset if we didn’t.” Chloe eased the car to a stop outside the back door. “Besides, I left a message on the machine in the phone shanty telling her what happened. She’ll be expecting us.”
Susanna supposed that was a good thing, although she felt a little disconcerted that Chloe had spoken to Lydia about her troubles. Still, maybe she assumed she would spare Susanna the telling again.
They got out and walked together to the door. Lydia stood, framed in the doorway, holding out her hands to them.
Susanna’s uncertainty slid away as she was enveloped in Lydia’s hug. This was her sister. Of course she had to share her burdens.
“I’m wonderful glad you came, both of you.” Lydia led them into the house. “The boys won’t be home from school for another two hours, so we have time for a visit.”
The kitchen smelled of cinnamon and apples, and a rich, dark apple cake sat cooling on the counter. Susanna suspected you couldn’t come into Lydia’s house this time of year without smelling apples.
“The cake looks wonderful good,” she said.
“We’ll have some,” Lydia said quickly. “But first, how are you?” Lydia held both her hands and studied her face.
“Better, I think.” She wasn’t, really, but at least she’d stopped crying at the drop of a hat. “Poor Chloe bore the brunt of it last night. She asked me to stay with her, and she even went over to Dora’s to get my things today.”
“It’s just too bad Nate wasn’t there,” Chloe said. “I was looking forward to giving him a piece of my mind.” Chloe looked capable of it, with her color high and her green eyes flashing. Susanna felt profoundly grateful that her path hadn’t crossed Nate’s.
“We would love to have you stay here, too,” Lydia said. “Maybe you’d like to get away from Oyersburg for a bit.”
“That’s kind of you.” Susanna’s heart was full. It was good to be wanted. “Not right away.” The future was a blank, and when she tried to see into it, she couldn’t make out any possible paths.
“Sure?” Lydia said, squeezing her hands.
She nodded. “I need to make some decisions with Dora about the stock we took from the shop. We’ll have to split it somehow, I guess.” The idea seemed overwhelming. How could she split up something that had been her life’s work?
“Give it a little time,” Chloe said. “It will sort itself out. Dora wants to make things easy for you, I know. She told me how sorry she is for what happened.”
Susanna nodded, choking up a bit. “She’s a good friend.”
Nodding, Lydia turned to Chloe. “What about you? How are you?”
Chloe’s face seemed to stiffen. “I’m fine. I just hope this isn’t awkward for you, being such close friends with the Miller family.”
Lydia waved that away with a gesture. “I think Emma Miller is as befuddled as you are about Seth’s decision. She’s not sure Seth is doing the right thing. Or at least that he’s doing it for the right reason.”
Chloe shrugged, obviously determined not to talk about it. “He’s a grown man. He’s made his choice.”
Susanna found that she and Lydia were exchanging looks. How long could Chloe try to hide her feelings? How much would it hurt her to do so?
“Emma thinks Seth is returning to the faith out of a misplaced sense of responsibility. What do you think, Chloe?”
“I don’t know.” Feeling moved in Chloe’s face and was quickly masked. “We didn’t t
alk about it.”
“Maybe you should,” Lydia said. “Maybe you should tell him how you feel about him.”
Chloe seemed to be struggling to hold something back. And losing.
“If Seth has decided to become Amish again, I’m not going to ask him to change his mind. I do have a little pride.”
“Ja,” Lydia said softly. “You do. And that sounds like something your grandmother would say.”
Chloe froze, her face immobile. Feelings seemed to rage in her eyes. Suddenly she turned and walked toward the door.
“Chloe? Where are you going?”
She hesitated in the doorway, glancing back at them. “Just where you want me to. To see if Seth is home.”
CHAPTER TWENTY
Seth
straightened the framed family tree he’d just hung for his mother in the kitchen, glad to have something to occupy his hands. Too bad it didn’t occupy his thoughts, as well.
His mind and heart had been in turmoil. How could he find a way out of the hole he’d dug?
It was one thing to fear Jessie was right, and another to be sure. Harder still to know what to do about it.
The need to see Chloe was eating at him. But what could he say to her? How could he convince her that he knew his own mind?
If he hurt her again . . . His mind winced away from that thought.
The back door flew open and Jessie burst into the kitchen, her cheeks pink, her eyes sparkling. “It’s Chloe. Chloe is coming.”
He froze.
She grabbed his hand and pulled at him. “Did you hear me? She’s walking up through the orchard right now. Go to her.”
He glanced at his mother. She nodded, smiling. “Go. Schell.”
It was as if a spring had released inside him. He shot through the door, letting the screen slam.
Jessie was right. Chloe was walking toward him through the orchard, and the trees formed a green archway for her.
Seth’s heart seemed to swell until it felt as if there’d be no room for it in his chest. He headed toward Chloe, his long strides eating up the ground. Suddenly he was running, his fears dropping away as he went like apples falling from the trees.
She saw him. Stopped. Waited.
He got to within a few feet of her and halted, breathing heavily, not sure how to get over the last hurdle. Chloe was staring at him, her eyes wide, her face vulnerable.
“You came,” he said.
Chloe nodded. “I came.” She took a deep breath, as if drawing courage. “I almost didn’t, but Lydia helped me see the truth. I would regret it forever if I let pride keep me from saying this—I love you, Seth.”
The last remnant of doubt evaporated. He reached out to her tentatively, knowing how hard it was for Chloe to set aside her pride and make herself vulnerable with no guarantee of return.
“Can you forgive me?” His voice went husky on the words. “I’ve been so stupid even my little sister could see it.” The truth seemed so beautifully clear now. “I told myself it was wrong to try to exist between two worlds. I thought I had to go to one side of the fence or the other. But I don’t. I can be a bridge between them . . . we can, together, if you’ll have me.” He held out his arms.
It was Chloe who took that last step between them. His arms closed around her with a huge wave of thankfulness, joy, passion. Their lips met, and he’d never tasted anything so sweet.
Finally. Finally he could kiss her, hold her, love her without feeling as if he was destined to hurt someone with every move he made. He deepened the kiss, holding her close and feeling as if they were two halves of a whole, together at last.
She sighed finally, her breath against his lips, and drew back enough that he could see her face. Sunlight filtered through the leaves overhead, gilding her skin with the rich glow of autumn. “No regrets?” she murmured.
Seth felt as if his heart would swell right out of his chest, and he wanted to laugh with sheer joy. “What is there to regret? The little fact that I don’t have a job? Or that your grandmother will explode at the thought of us together?”
Chloe smiled with him. “We can’t fail.” She glanced up at the green arch overhead. “My parents were here once, in this very spot, loving each other and their children. Lydia and Adam pledged themselves to each other here. If they can figure it out, we can, too.” She laid her palm against his cheek. “We’ll find a way to be here for our families and still be true to ourselves. I promise.”
She understood him, so clearly, that it was as if she knew his thoughts, and it both humbled and astonished him. How could he ever have thought that he could go on without her?
“Marry me,” he said, holding her close. “Wherever we are together, that’s home.”
She tilted her head, smiling. “Yes,” she said, and he kissed the smile on her lips. Yes.
* * *
Nate
went back to the store in the afternoon. Maybe that would help keep his mind off what had happened the previous night. He’d been pummeled so by both his mother and Susanna that it was a wonder he wasn’t covered with bruises. And all because he was trying to do what was right.
The store seemed fairly quiet. Since it didn’t look as if there were any problems needing his attention, he headed for the office.
Thomas was seated at Nate’s desk, his blond head bent over some papers. He looked up, smiling, when Nate came in.
“I thought maybe you’d be resting this afternoon.”
“I’m fine.” His irritation probably showed, but he’d be pleased if people would stop acting as if he was an invalid. “What are you doing?”
“Filling out the order forms,” Thomas said, as if it was the most natural thing in the world.
“You shouldn’t be doing that.” Nate clumped his way awkwardly to the desk. “I do the orders.”
Thomas rose, backing away from the desk. “I just . . . I’ve been doing the order forms since you’ve been laid up. I was just trying to help.”
“I’ll do it.” Nate shifted his body to the chair. “If you want to help, you can go and sweep up in the front.”
Thomas stood for a moment. Then he turned and went out without a word.
Nate turned to the order forms, frowning down at Thomas’s neat printing and recalling the hurt in his eyes. The boy had been trying very hard. He was smart, honest, hardworking, and took the initiative, seeing things that had to be done without being told.
In other words, he was just the sort of person Nate wanted working in the store. What had possessed him to speak to the boy that way?
His mother’s words about bossiness rang in his thoughts with sudden conviction. Nonsense. He was taking care of his family and running his business the best he could.
But he was restless, unable to settle down to work. Probably because of the cast, that was all.
Grabbing the crutches, he thumped to the door and looked around the store.
Everything was fine. The shelves were fully stocked again, now that the trucks could get through. Thomas was sweeping, while Susie helped a customer. It was a business a man could take pride in.
Pride, that most un-Amish of qualities. What would people think if they could hear his thoughts?
Surely it wasn’t wrong to be happy about his accomplishments, was it? He’d like to be convinced of that thought, but he couldn’t.
Walk humbly with your God. That was what the Amish lived every day. What he had promised to live.
It felt as if blocks were tumbling in his mind, falling away, revealing what he’d become in his desperate need not to be like his father. He looked aghast at the image.
Everything isn’t about business, Susanna had said, pain in her gentle face. It was like a blow to the heart. He’d been so focused on his own goals that he’d trampled hers, and then he’d expected her to marry him.
The floor seemed to shi
ft beneath his feet. He had to do something, now, and pray it wasn’t too late. But first . . .
As quickly as the cast and crutches allowed, he went to where Thomas was working.
“Thomas, I have to go out. I know I can count on you to run the store while I’m gone.”
Thomas stood a little straighter. “Ja, for sure.”
Nate turned away, then remembered and turned back. “And if you have time, you may as well take over the order forms, too.”
Thomas’s grin nearly split his face. “I will. Denke.”
Nate would clap the boy’s shoulder, but he didn’t have a spare hand with his crutches. At least that error had been easily fixed, and Thomas had a forgiving nature.
The bigger problem, the one that weighed so heavily on Nate’s heart, might not be fixable at all, but he had to try.
* * *
“It’s
wonderful kind of you to come here to see me,” Dora said.
Susanna looked around Gaus’s Bulk Foods, her nerves jangling. “You’re sure Nate won’t be coming in while I’m here?”
“I promise.” Dora dusted a speck from the cash box. “He’s out, and he won’t be back until much later.”
“I’m sorry.” Susanna felt her cheeks grow warm. “It sounds foolish, but I just don’t want to run into him, at least not so soon.”
Was it just the night before last that she and Nate had been so briefly engaged? So much had happened since then that it felt much longer. She and Chloe had stayed at Lydia’s for a supper that had turned into a celebration of Chloe and Seth’s engagement.
“I understand.” Dora patted her hand where it rested on the counter. “I wouldn’t have asked you to come here except that I can’t get away right now.”
Susanna nodded, still not sure why she was here. Dora’s note, delivered by a small Amish boy, had only said that she must see Susanna this afternoon. Surely she didn’t expect her to talk about what had happened between her and Nate.
“I just wanted to be sure that everything is all right between you and me, regardless of how foolish my son is.” Anxiety colored Dora’s words.
