This World We Live In (The Last Survivors, Book 3)

by Susan Beth Pfeffer

"I love you for thinking that, but you're wrong," he said. "You can't imagine what things were like. Carlos couldn't understand. He got to Texas in the very beginning, and the Marines have fed him, sheltered him, protected him."

  "Has Julie seen those things?" I asked.

  He nodded.

  "She survived," I said. "I could, too. Alex, don't feel like you have to protect me. That's not what I want."

  "I can't protect you," he said. "I can't protect anyone. I can't even do what Carlos tells me and get Julie to the convent. The rain stops me. You stop me."

  I kissed him, hoping the gift of my love could ease his pain. But he broke away.

  "I won't let Julie suffer," he said. "I tried to tell Carlos but I couldn't. There is too much past history between us."

  "Julie doesn't have to suffer," I said. "Not if she stays with us."

  He shook his head. "You have no control," he said. "None of us do. Not over what might happen. I have only one way left to protect Julie. Everything else I've tried has failed."

  166

  "What?" I asked, figuring he'd say faith or prayers or the church.Alex took a deep breath. "Pills," he said. "Sleeping pills. Six of them. I got them in New York. I keep them for her."

  "So she can sleep?" I asked.

  "So she won't ever wake up," Alex said.

  "Six pills wouldn't be enough," I said, like if I told him that, he would laugh at how silly he was, and nothing would matter except us.

  "Two would be enough," he said instead. "Enough to make sure she'd sleep through what I'd do."

  "But why?" I asked. "Why would you do something like that?"

  "There could come a time when life is worse than death for Julie," Alex said. "I'll know it when it does. I pray I'll know it."

  "But killing's a crime," I said.

  "Nothing's a crime anymore," he said. "There are no cops, no jails. It's a sin, and I'll be damned for it. But I'll deserve damnation. I deserve it now."

  "You don't," I said. "You love Julie. You love me. How can you be damned for loving?"

  "Love isn't enough," he said.

  "It has to be," I said, holding his shaking body in my arms. "Love's what I believe in, Alex. Love is what protects us."

  June 25

  Last night I had a dream that the doorbell rang, and when I opened it, there was Alex. It was summer, and he was holding a bouquet of daisies.

  167

  "Julie's a nun," he said. "So's Carlos. Marry me, Miranda."I'm not going to write what happened next in my dream, in case anyone ever sees this. Let's just say it was the best dream I ever had.

  When I woke up, I thought maybe things could happen that way. Not with Julie and Carlos becoming nuns. But maybe if Alex was sure Julie was safe, he'd come back to me. I know he loves me. That has to count for something.

  Alex has convinced me it's better for Julie to be at the convent. I hate the thought of his having her life in his hands. Not that he'd ever do anything to Julie. But he shouldn't have to worry about it. He's taken care of Julie for over a year now. He'd take care of her forever, except Carlos told him not to.

  Maybe it's wrong of me to dream that Alex and I can stay together if Julie's at the convent. Maybe it's wrong of me to want that when I know Julie doesn't want to go.

  But Carlos is the one who made the decision, and Carlos is right that Julie should be someplace safe, where he and Alex will always be able to find her. And Julie can take care of herself. She'll stay at the convent for as long as she has to, and then she'll do what she wants. Assuming she can. Assuming any of us can.

  If he doesn't have to worry about Julie, I know Alex will stay with me. We can't be together as long as Julie is here. But when she's at the convent, Alex will be free to stay with me forever.

  I want Alex. I want love. I know that's what Alex wants also.

  168

  June 26

  Jon and Syl went over to Dad's this morning. Mom told Jon if it was all right with Alex, he and Julie could make the food run.I feel strange around Syl since my fight with Matt. I don't think he told her what I said but I can't be sure. I was glad when she decided to visit Lisa for Bible study.

  I planned on going over to see Alex one last time, but before I could figure out an excuse, Dad, Alex, and Matt showed up. Matt had been chopping wood, so I knew this was important.

  For a moment I thought Dad would tell us he'd forbidden Alex to leave, and Alex would come to his senses and agree.

  "I wanted to talk with you," Dad said, meaning Mom and Matt, I guess, but he didn't tell me to leave, so I didn't. "Without anyone else around."

  "We're leaving tomorrow," Alex said. "Julie's cough is gone. Thank you for the cough medicine, Mrs. Evans. It made a big difference."

  "I'm glad," Mom said. "I'm glad Julie's well again."

  "You know this scheme of Alex's," Dad said. "And you know I don't approve. Lisa's distraught, and Jon isn't much better."

  "I know how upset Jon is," Mom said, "but he'll get over it in time."

  "He'll have to," Alex said. "We've waited too long as it is."

  "The convent is ninety miles away," Dad said. "We've walked farther," Alex said. "And in worse weather."

  "That may be," Dad said. "But in this case it isn't necessary.

  169

  There's the van in the garage. With two five-gallon gas cans.""Are you crazy?" Matt asked. "We're supposed to give away the van? That's our way out of here, Dad. We don't hand that over to strangers."

  "Alex found the van," I said. "And the gas."

  "You were with him," Matt said. "He couldn't have found them without you. They're as much ours as his, and our need is greater."

  "You should be ashamed of yourself, Matt," Dad said. "Julie's just a child."

  "So is Jon," Matt said. "That didn't stop you from leaving."

  "Stop it," Mom said. "Both of you. Now."

  Alex has never heard that tone from Mom. It's probably been years since Dad has.

  "Alex, are you absolutely determined that you and Julie are going tomorrow?" Mom asked. "You know how much we've come to care about you. In spite of that you're going?"

  "Yes, Mrs. Evans," Alex said. "First thing tomorrow morning."

  "After Julie is settled in, what will you do?" Mom asked.

  "There's a Franciscan monastery in Ohio," Alex said, and Matt snickered.

  "Matthew, stop that right now," Mom said.

  "Mom," Matt said. "I'm not a child anymore."

  "Then stop acting like one," Mom said, turning away from him. "So your plan is to go northeast for ninety miles and then make your way across Pennsylvania to get to Ohio. That's hundreds of miles."

  "We made it from Texas here," Alex replied. "I can make it from New York to Ohio."

  170

  "It won't be the same," Dad said. "The farther north, the fewer people.""It's summer," Alex said. "It's warmer. I'll do it."

  "Fine," Mom said. "It's your choice and we're not your parents. Julie's the one I'm concerned about. Why not drive to the convent and return the van on your way to Ohio?"

  "What makes you think he'll bring it back?" Matt said.

  "He'll bring it back," I cried. "I know he will."

  Everyone stared at me.

  "I trust him," I said, my voice shaking. "We can trust him."

  "Alex, will you give us your solemn word that you'll bring the van back once you're certain Julie's all right?" Mom asked.

  "I'm not accepting his solemn word," Matt said. "It's not good enough. These are our lives we're talking about. If Dad won't look after Miranda and Jon, then I will."

  "I'll take Alex and Julie," Dad said. "I'll drive them to the convent and then Alex and I can drive back."

  "You'll use up all the gas," Matt said. "The van's got to be a gas guzzler."

  "Couldn't Alex take one of the cars instead?" I asked. "Matt's or Mrs. Nesbitt's? They'd get better mileage, and we'd have the van if we need it."

  "That's a great idea, Miranda," Dad said. "Five gallo
ns in a car will get us farther than ten gallons in the van. We'll use one of the containers and leave the other one here for an emergency."

  "That seems fair to me," I said, glaring at Matt. "Alex can use his half of the gas and we'll keep my half here."

  "How do we know the cars are still working?" Mom asked.

  171

  "You didn't keep them tuned up?" Dad asked. "All these months and you didn't run the engines?""It was stupid of me," Mom said. She looked stricken. "Hal, I didn't think. I'm sorry."

  "I thought I could count on you," he said to Matt.

  "Well, I thought I could count on you," Matt replied. "I guess we were both wrong."

  I hated this. I hated every moment of it. These are the people I love most in the world and the ones I depend on the most. "Maybe the cars still run," I said. "We won't know until we try. And if they don't, then Alex should take the van. He can have my half of the gas. Maybe Dad'll find some more gas on the drive back."

  "If the van is all you have, Julie and I can't take it," Alex said. "We'll go by foot. We'll find bikes along the way, maybe another car. We can manage."

  "No," Mom said. "The air is awful, and Julie shouldn't be out in it any longer than necessary. Hal, if you drive Julie and Alex, when do you think you'll get back? Tomorrow night?"

  "Maybe," Dad said. "Or Wednesday afternoon. That way we could make sure Julie's settled in. And there's no way of knowing what the roads are like."

  "Lisa and Gabriel can stay over here," Mom said. "If they'll feel more comfortable."

  "No, they'll be fine," Dad said. "Charlie will look after them. Maybe Jon could spend the night."

  "Then it's settled," Mom said. "And I don't want to hear another word out of any of you." She glared equal time at Alex and Matt.

  "Miranda, would you like to come along?" Dad asked. "I'd love your company, and I'm sure Alex and Julie would, too."

  172

  "Yes," I said before anyone had a chance to say no for me."Is that a good idea?" Mom asked. "Ninety miles. That seems so far away."

  "Please, Mom," I said. "I never go anywhere. You let Matt and Jon go all by themselves to the river. I'll be in the van with Dad."

  Mom hesitated. "Alex, would you mind?" she asked.

  "No ma'am," he said. "I think it would be easier on Julie if Miranda was with us. On Hal, too."

  "He's right," Dad said. "It would make losing Julie hurt a little bit less."

  "You'll be back by Wednesday?" Mom said. "You and Miranda?"

  "I don't see why not," Dad said. "Maybe even tomorrow night."

  Matt shook his head. "It's a bad idea," he said.

  "I'm not sure it's a good one," Mom said. "But all right. Miranda can go."

  I got up and hugged her and then I hugged Dad. As I broke away from him, my hand touched Alex's.

  Alex and I will be together, I thought. We'll see that Julie is safe together, and then he'll know he belongs with me.

  173

  ***

  Chapter 14 June 27

  When I got to Dad's this morning, I found Lisa in a state of hysterics."How can you take her from me?" she was screaming at Alex. "Hal, don't let him. I'll hate you both if you take her away."

  Gabriel, who doesn't need much excuse to get going, was screaming almost as loudly.

  "I don't want to go," Julie said. "Alex, don't make me go."

  Alex yelled something in Spanish at her, which shut her up. Charlie picked up Gabriel and soothed him. Dad held Lisa, stroking her back until she calmed down.

  "She'll only be ninety miles away," Dad said, which used to mean "We can visit on weekends" but now means "That's not quite the end of the earth."

  "She's the only person who understands," Lisa said. "The rest of you just pretend to. Julie knows what I've gone through not knowing what happened to my parents, my sisters."

  "I'm sorry, Lisa," Alex said. "But I have to take her. Hal, can we go now?"

  174

  "We'd better," Dad said. "Lisa, darling, I'll be back tonight. Tomorrow at the latest." He kissed her and Gabriel, hugged Charlie, and half pushed Julie out of the house. Alex did the other half of the pushing.I thought Julie might cry, but she was silent, the way Alex can be. I had mixed feelings. I knew I'd miss Julie, and I felt bad for Jon and Lisa. But I was excited at the thought of leaving Howell for the first time in over a year. And I was so sure that once Julie was in the convent, Alex would agree to stay with me.

  Julie and Alex had returned our clothes to us yesterday and had all their belongings in their backpacks. We threw our sleeping bags into the back of the old van. Mom's van and Matt's car and Mrs. Nesbitt's car hadn't started when Dad tried them last night, and Matt was so angry at himself that he picked a fight with Syl. They stayed up half the night yelling at each other.

  Jon was mad, too. He'd gone over to Dad's last night to say good-bye, but Mom refused to let him go again this morning. So he was curled up in a corner of the dining room, trying not to cry.

  It seemed like an excellent time to get away from home.

  Dad did the driving, and I sat next to him. If you didn't know better, you'd think we were a family, maybe a divorced dad bringing his kids back to their mom after a long weekend. Of course we were a bilingual family, since the only conversation I could hear between Alex and Julie was whispered in Spanish.

  Even on the highway Dad stuck to 30 miles an hour. The engine sputtered, and at one point it overheated, and Dad stopped driving until it cooled down. I didn't mind. Everything was gloomy and gray and there were no signs of

  175

  life anywhere, but it was still thrilling to be away, and there was no hurry to get back home. Alex and I had all the time in the world to be together.I realized the second time Dad stopped to let the car cool down that I might never get this far from home again. Mom wasn't going to leave, with food still coming to us and electricity practically every day and with as much wood as we'd ever need to stay warm. Syl might want to go (that seemed to be one of the things she and Matt fought about last night), but Matt won't leave Mom or the rest of us behind. I guess if Dad and Lisa leave, Jon might go with them. But why would Lisa go anywhere, when traveling's dangerous for the baby.

  So this trip was it for me, summer camp and college and honeymoon all rolled into one. The fact that it was going to end at a convent didn't dampen my excitement. It's not like I've ever been to a convent before.

  "How do you know about this place?" I asked after I'd gotten sufficiently bored trying to figure out what Alex and Julie were going on about. "From the Fresh Air Fund?"

  "No," Alex said. "Our priest told me about it a year ago. They were taking girls in, but Julie was too young then."

  Julie muttered something in Spanish. Alex muttered back.

  "If your priest approved of it, it must be a good place," Dad said.

  "Yes," Alex said. "That's why Carlos thought it would be good for Julie."

  "There'll be girls your age there, Julie," Dad said. "That will be nice for you, having friends again."

  "Jon was my friend," Julie said, which set Alex off on a Spanish torrent.

  176

  Dad ignored him. "Jon's going to miss you," he said. "We all will.""It's for the best," Alex said. "Julie's going to a safe place. God will look after her there."

  "That's a comfort, I'm sure," Dad said, slamming on the brakes. "We'd better clear those branches off the road," he said. "I can't risk driving over them."

  "I'll do it," I said. Alex joined me. Dad had done a good job driving over and around potholes, but the roads were in awful condition, littered with branches and other garbage. Mostly it wasn't a problem, but occasionally we had to stop and clear things out of the way.

  "I hadn't realized you've known about the convent that long," I said. It made me feel better to learn that Julie would have been at the convent for a year if she'd been old enough to go last summer.

  "It's a good place," he said. "The sisters will look after her. They'll learn to love her."


  "We have," I said.

  Alex nodded. "You've been very good to her," he said. "Your family's been very kind to both of us." He grabbed the biggest branch and dragged it to the side of the road while I carried some smaller ones. I looked through the front window of the van and could see Dad had turned around to talk to Julie.

  "Things will be all right," I said softly. "For Julie. For us."

  "I would love you forever if I could," he said.

  "You can," I said, wanting desperately to hold him. But all I could do was brush my hand quickly against his. For a second he clutched my hand in his.

  We got back in the car, and Dad resumed his slow drive through New York. Alex and Julie had nothing more to say

  177

  to each other in any language, and Dad gave up trying to make small talk. I could see he was worried about the van, but he didn't say anything about it.We made one pit stop, which was pretty literally that. We'd brought some food with us, but we were saving it for supper. Nothing was open, none of the strip malls we passed or the occasional motel or gas station. I thought about how Matt had met Syl at a motel and wondered if any of the ones on the side of the road had people camping out in them, but there were no signs of life.

  We drove ninety miles without seeing another car, and the scariest thing was that seemed normal.

  "It's hard to believe there are still people out there," I said. "Is everyone living in evac centers and cities?"

  "It seems that way, doesn't it," Dad said. "But there were plenty of people on the road. There were days we didn't run into anybody else, but for the most part you'd see someone new every day."

  "Syl told me bands of people came together and split apart," I said. "I guess your band stayed together, all of you and Charlie."

  "Charlie was the glue," Dad said. "He never let us give up."

  "It's amazing," I said. "It really is. You traveled thousands of miles, and Dad, you're back with us, and now Julie's going to this convent Alex has known about for a year. It really is amazing."

  "Christ has blessed us," Alex said.

  "Yes, He has," Dad said.