Momentary Lapse

by Toni J Strawn

  “You may not remember Minot, Madison, but I do,” Patricia spat out. “Going hungry. The utter despair of having to scrimp for every dollar. You can’t tell me you’re not happy now. After all I’ve given you?”

  Madison stood her ground. “If you knew me at all, you would know the answer to that.”

  “Maddy. I’m doing this for the best.” It was the name Madison hadn’t heard since she was four and she caught a glimpse of the mother she remembered. There had been good times…before her mother cared so much about being noticed. “I’m doing this for you. For your future.”

  And just like that, the mask slipped back over Patricia’s face. Cool. Composed. Calculating.

  “Who’s best?” Madison shook her head, sadness weighing her down. “All I ever wanted was a mother who loved me.” She paused, needing Patricia to see the truth. “I don’t want to lose that now.”

  “Don’t threaten me.” Anger sparked in Patricia’s eyes as she stood, rounding the desk to stand in front of Madison. “You know nothing about how life works. You’ve been pampered, sheltered, given only the best. So stop talking nonsense or I will destroy Cole.” Her voice shook slightly, with fear as well as anger.

  It was the fear that gave Madison a spark of hope her mother might begin to understand. Not today. But, one day.

  “I know,” Madison said quietly. “And I really hope you’ll change your mind.”

  She left before she said something she might live to regret, words that would forever stand between them. Madison still loved her mom. She’d been telling the truth. She didn’t want to lose her.

  She drove back to Wellsford, her eyes hot and dry, her mind spinning in circles. She should feel elated. She’d finally gotten her freedom. But at what cost? The relationship with her mother? And Cole? He didn’t know she’d just cost him everything…

  The weight crushed Madison, pressing down on her shoulders, gripping its dark fist around her heart. He would never forgive her. She’d just done the very thing Cole had accused Thomas of doing all those years ago. Sacrificed him. For her own selfish gains.

  How could she tell Cole that?

  And that wasn’t even the worst of it.

  The worst thing?

  The very worst thing was knowing she would do it all again. Madison was past lying. Past pretending she wanted to live how everyone else expected her to. Let Cole’s punishment rain down on her head if that was what it took. At least this time it would be fair. At least this time she deserved everything she got.

  Even if she did lose Cole in the process.

  Chapter Eighteen

  Madison had gone to see her mother today. She was nervous about something, Cole knew enough to recognize the signs. The smoothing and re-smoothing of the fabric of her skirt, the pale tinge to her cheeks.

  She hadn’t said much about the visit before leaving. Cole tried not to think about the reasons for that. Either she was genuinely anxious about seeing her mother…or was reporting back about what he was doing here. Maybe even had copies of his plans.

  Cole almost laughed at the ridiculousness of the situation. Thinking Madison was some corporate spy, using her beauty and brains to outwit him…but there was no humor in the truth if it was reality. In fact, the truth had the potential to really fucking suck.

  “Shit!” He hammered his fist on the kitchen counter.

  “What was that?” Jess appeared at her door.

  “Nothing.” Cole struggled to find a smile and utterly failed.

  “You okay?” His sister looked at him sharply.

  “Of course.” This time, Cole managed to form his lips into the shape he wanted. “How about we go for a walk? I’ll buy you breakfast and you can show me this coffee shop Madison’s always talking about?”

  “There’s a café around the corner that’s just as good.” Jess threw him a sour look. “I only go further because Madison is so nice.”

  “And I’m not?” Cole pretended to be wounded at being painted as the bad guy. Oh. That was right. He wasn’t pretending.

  “You’re my brother. I don’t think it counts.” Jess looked at her watch, unnoticing—or uncaring—that Cole was actually hurt. “I’m meeting with Tash in an hour, so I can’t do breakfast. Maybe a late lunch?”

  “Sure.” Cole’s words fell into an empty room. Jess had already left.

  He sank onto the couch, wondering how in hell he’d gotten to a place where his own sister thought he was that horrible. Oh yeah. She’d had an accident and their mother had died, leaving Cole to deal with shit he knew nothing about.

  He rubbed at his brow, his neck aching from muscles held too tight. He didn’t blame his mother. She’d played it right from the start. After their deadbeat Langford father had left, she’d never approached the rich side of the family for help or support. His mother had known the score. She knew which side of the tracks she’d come from.

  Cole had been seduced by the lure of money. When his generous uncle had turned up, offering Cole the chance to rub shoulders with the rich and famous, he’d jumped at the opportunity. He’d seen how the other half lived and he’d wanted it. Badly.

  The cost had been high, but it was too late by then. No one would listen to his side of the story. He’d rolled over and let himself be shafted. And the repercussions of his weakness haunted him every day.

  When Jess had lain in the hospital, Cole knew the Langfords’ money would buy her a full and unaffected life. The fact they’d refused because of what he’d supposedly done was something Cole could never forgive.

  Cole struggled to his feet, unable to sit still any longer. His throat felt tight, as if he couldn’t quite fill his lungs with enough air. From what he knew of Patricia St. James, she was just as ruthless as Russell and Thomas had ever been. Madison didn’t appear to be like them…but then, appearances were seldom what they seemed. She had the face of an angel. Did her soul belong to the devil?

  He paced the room. Waiting to find out. He felt as though his life hung in a fine balance. Everything focused in on Madison walking through that door.

  One hour.

  Two hours.

  Three…four…five…

  His head jacked up as the key turned in the lock.

  Cole knew the truth as soon as he saw her.

  She looked like she’d gone to hell and back. Her hair was unbound and tangled, as if her fingers had combed through it more than once, her eyes clouded with the heartache of painful secrets.

  His chest clenched tight, then loosened as he took the first proper breath since he’d seen Patricia’s name on that damn computer. It took a moment to process his relief, the incredible lightness sweeping him off his feet to carry him to her, the crushing need to touch her. Console her. Make everything right. Cole wanted to scoop her up in his arms and kiss her, to take away the pain and uncertainty and replace it with everything good they had between them.

  “Oh God. Cole. I’m so sorry.” Madison pulled away as if his touch hurt. “What have I done?”

  “Tell me.”

  He guided her to the couch and she sat down, burying her head in her hands. When she raised her face, it was pinched white, her eyes wet with tears. Her expression tore at Cole’s heart, but he stayed quiet. He needed to hear what had happened from her own lips.

  “My Mother. Your own uncle.” She shook her head, disbelief coloring her words. “They are trying to shut down your development. My mother has promised to help him unless I walked away from you.” Horror leached into her face. “I should have done it.” Her words gathered speed. “I should have told her I’d move back home. God, I’m so selfish. But I couldn’t stand to see her win. I couldn’t bear to move back home and live out some lie for the rest of my life. I’m sorry, Cole. I’m so sorry.”

  Her eyes beseeched him to believe her.

  Cole listened to her out-pouring of grief and apologies
and self-recrimination. He captured each expression and held it close, like a cherished thing, denouncing her guilt.

  It took him a moment to realize she’d stopped talking. Her hands clenched and unclenched as she stared at him, her body filled with tension as if she waited for the final blows to rain down.

  “Aren’t you going to say something?” she demanded.

  Cole couldn’t meet the tortured look on her face. There was no mistaking Madison’s reaction.

  She hadn’t known a thing.

  “Madison. I’m sorry.” He started toward her, finally allowing himself to offer her comfort.

  “Oh my god. You knew?”

  She cut him off with a sharp gasp, disbelief etched on her face. And pain. She recoiled from him. “I don’t understand. Why d-didn’t you tell me?” She struggled to ask the question and Cole didn’t want to tell her the answer. He saw it transform her as comprehension dawned. “You thought I was part of it.” Hurt flattened her voice.

  “I wasn’t sure,” Cole admitted, rubbing at his hair. He hated to see her wounded expression. Those beautiful eyes wide open in shock. But what else could he have done? Madison was one of them. He had every right to be suspicious. “You should be pleased I didn’t warn you.” He tried to ease the guilt sitting like acid in his gut. “If I’d said something, you would’ve handled your mother differently. Instead, you stood up to her.”

  Cole wanted Madison to understand how proud he was of her, how amazing he found her strength, but her gaze hardened, hurt becoming anger.

  “Because you thought my mother and I were hatching some evil plot against you.”

  Cole rubbed at his chest. “Yes. No…not really,” he muttered. “I had to be sure.”

  He could see her visibly swallow back a retort.

  Fuck it. It shouldn’t matter if he hurt her feelings. But now, in the cold light of day, he could see how it must look. Madison had been nothing but open and honest and trusting. He shoved aside the first pangs of self-loathing, telling himself she hadn’t lived the life he had. This was Madison’s first glimpse into the shitty truth behind her privileged upbringing. Reality was harsh, yes, and Madison didn’t deserve to find out this way, but Cole was just doing what he’d always done.

  He was protecting himself. Protecting Jess.

  “I can help you too.” He moved forward, seeing Madison as being within his circle of protection now. Perhaps there was even a place for her in his future.

  She shut her eyes, closing off her expression to him.

  Cole stopped. Trust had meant more to Madison than he’d considered. But she’d come around. He was certain of that. Being on the outside was a lonely place. She would need him.

  She opened her eyes again and the tightness in Cole’s chest eased. In front of him stood the Madison he remembered from the first night they met. Proud. Determined. Sexy-as-hell.

  “Help me?” She started forward, planting her feet wide to stand in front of him. “Help me how?”

  Her question was pure confrontation and her aggression turned Cole’s blood to fire. It was more than he deserved, but he was happy to answer her challenge. His little Madison had found her teeth. Good. She’d need them if they were going to fight against her mother and the Langfords.

  And underneath it all, hadn’t he known Madison would understand his actions? She wasn’t the kind to hold a grudge. She’d turned those liquid brown eyes on him and melted everything in her path. Including him.

  “I won’t do it again,” he said. And he meant every word. She’d proved herself to him and he wouldn’t forget that.

  “Yes, you will,” she said flatly. Then she sighed. “But that is what makes you, you.”

  Cole opened his mouth to protest, but his denial was ripped away when she reached down to grip his cock through his jeans. His body jerked forward as her fingers stroked him through the fabric, just this side of rough. He let out a groan, every inch of him on fire. He pushed harder into her hand, inviting her to do her worst.

  Or was that her best?

  Cole moved his lips from her hair to her jawline, his fingers busy with her buttons. Familiar excitement rose in a wave as Madison responded to his touch.

  “I missed you,” he spoke against her skin.

  She pushed up his T-shirt, just as eager to have her hands on him. He claimed her lips, never getting tired of tasting her.

  He didn’t know how else he could show Madison what he felt for her. Pride. Adoration. Amazement. He wanted to explore what her future held with her. He wanted to be a part of it. Cole pushed up her skirt and she gasped as his fingers unerringly found their way to her clit. Wet. So wet. For him.

  She grunted as he tipped her onto the bed and made her forget—made them both forget—about Salamond Holdings, Patricia…Russell…Thomas.

  He found the slick heat between her legs, brushing his lips against her skin, loving the feel of her body, like it was made perfectly for him. He laved at her nipple and let her gasps of pleasure carry him with her. His fingers pushed inside, keeping time with the suck and pull of his mouth on her breasts. He drove her higher, flicking across her clit, feeling the writhe of her body beneath him. She shuddered against him, back arching, legs tensing and relaxing as her pussy clenched tight around his fingers.

  He let her rest for a few beats, then moved downward, replacing his fingers with his mouth as he started over. Giving everything of himself. Mind. Body. Soul.

  Cole lowered his defenses…letting go, knowing it would be impossible now to haul himself back. Madison had taken his anger, his hard-edged hatred and replaced it with sweet acceptance. And he adored her for it.

  She might be one of them, but she wasn’t like them.

  Cole knew now, there was a difference.

  Madison loved what Cole did to her. How he pushed her, took her to the brink and reeled her back. Only to begin again. She didn’t want the wild ride of ecstasy to end. He wrung pleasure from her body until she was limp. Every inch of her satisfied.

  Except…she felt hollow inside.

  One plus one did not equal three, and she’d come to understand that was what she and Cole amounted to. They didn’t add up. The realization was the one truth Madison had been hiding from. Now facing the mirror, with Cole behind her again, she couldn’t ignore it any longer.

  “Look at you,” he murmured, pride filling his voice.

  A lump formed in Madison’s throat. Cole’s approval was the one thing she’d craved. Now she had it and it wasn’t worth everything she’d given. He’d lied to her. The person she’d always seen as honest and true, who hid nothing. Bitterness clogged her throat. She looked at her reflection… Madison St. James in all her entirety—naked and real—and for the first time she didn’t flinch. She liked what she saw. A strong, independent woman.

  Would Cole ever see her that way?

  Madison deserved more. Today, she’d fought against everything she’d known. Had sacrificed her relationship with her mother. Her own future. Was she really going to give her love to Cole? Because she knew now she loved him. Loved him for his fierce sense of righteousness. His utter adoration of Jess. She loved him for the way he threw himself into everything, no holds barred, all or nothing.

  Except when it came to Madison. He had held himself back from her. That was what hurt the most. That he could never truly love her without the reservations that came from her previous life.

  And that was no life, either.

  To be so close to what she wanted and know it only served as poison. Cole was the best thing that had ever happened to her. And the worst person for her.

  Madison’s heart broke even as her resolve strengthened.

  She drew a deep breath. “I think…I think I’d like you to go now.” She dropped her eyes, too raw to hold to his stare in the mirror. She couldn’t face all of the emotions he was finally letting show. Eve
rything she’d been waiting for. Wishing for.

  “What?”

  Cole tried to turn her in his arms but she moved away, covering herself with her robe.

  “Please. Go.”

  “Madison!” He tried to stop her. “I know you didn’t realize about your mother—”

  “And that makes what you did okay?” Madison felt like screaming, he was so removed from the truth. She held onto her anger, knowing it was the only thing that would get her through the next few minutes. “Don’t you get it, Cole? You lied to me. I don’t want to live with lies.”

  Cole scrubbed his hand through his hair, confusion clouding his features. “This is stupid. I had good reason not to tell you.”

  “A good reason for you. But not a good enough reason for me.” Madison moved to the other side of the bed, hugging her arms to her chest to stop herself running back to him. “All my life I’ve done what everyone else wanted. Except when it came to you.” She shook her head, her throat constricted. “I was willing to give up my relationship with my mother. For you. What did you give me in return?” Her question sparked a flicker of anger in her belly and Madison clung to it, cultivating it like the fragile flame it was.

  “Madison, I barely know you.” Cole held up his hands as if trying to stop her. “You can’t expect me to—”

  “To what? Trust me?” Madison asked the question for him. “And yet I trusted you.”

  “It’s not that easy,” Cole protested.

  “It is that easy.” It had been for her. Madison looked at him, her heart aching for what could have been. Never again would she sell herself short. And with Cole, she would always be left wondering what he harbored under the seething mess of his anger. What he really thought of her. He’d made Madison confront herself and in the end it hadn’t been enough.

  She tipped her face toward him and let him see the truth. “I want you to leave. Please.”