Uncle John's Actual and Factual Bathroom Reader

by Bathroom Readers' Institute

  The hardest substance in the human body: tooth enamel. (But if it’s damaged, enamel won’t heal or grow back.)

  Beneath the enamel is a layer of calcified tissue called dentin. It’s naturally yellow, and it’s what turns teeth yellow. When enamel weakens, it becomes translucent, allowing the dentin to be visible.

  Priorities: Americans spend $1.5 billion each year on tooth-whitening products, and about half as much on toothbrushes.

  In China, September 20 is “Love Your Teeth Day.”

  Most common childhood disease: tooth decay. It’s five times more common than asthma and seven times more common than hay fever.

  Teeth aren’t considered bones. The main difference: bones contain collagen; teeth don’t.

  Shark’s teeth are actually scales, which means they can grow them back if they get damaged or lost.

  Taurine is a powerful stimulant used in energy drinks like Red Bull. It’s also added to cat food as a supplement to help them keep their teeth for their entire lives.

  In South Korea, wisdom teeth are called “love teeth” because they often come in around the same time that someone experiences their first love (which, like having one’s wisdom teeth extracted, is painful).

  Maybe don’t try this, but under the right circumstances, a tooth that’s been knocked out can be saved by jamming it back into its socket. But only if it’s done within five minutes.

  In 2014 dentists in Mumbai treated a 17-year-old boy named Ashik Gavai. They removed 232 teeth from his mouth.

  “Baby teeth”—a person’s first set of teeth—are also known as milk teeth and deciduous teeth. (That makes sense—trees that lose their leaves are called deciduous trees.)

  A Norwegian agency called the Mother and Child Cohort Study is building a research bank of baby teeth. So far, 13,000 kids have donated their lost teeth to the agency, which studies them to determine the effects of environmental and nutritional factors on children’s health.

  Why is the alphabet in alphabetical order? No one knows.

  IT’S THE ANT’S PANTS!

  Thanks to evolving concepts, new technology, and people too lazy to type full phrases, new words are added to the dictionary regularly. You don’t have to be on wacky tobacky to think these additions are the ant’s pants.

  Abandonware: Software that is no longer sold or supported by its creator. Examples: Windows XP and the game Tetris for DOS.

  Al desko: Eating a meal at one’s desk.

  The ant’s pants: An outstandingly good person or thing.

  Snowflake: A derogatory term for someone who is overly sensitive or easily offended; often applied to liberals (by conservatives).

  Broflake: A derogatory term for a man who is offended by feminist or progressive attitudes.

  Brogrammer: From bro and programmer, it’s a stereotypically masculine or macho computer programmer.

  Bunny: In basketball, an easy shot taken close to the basket.

  Clicktivism: The use of the internet to organize protests, promote boycotts, sign petitions, or take other action to achieve a political or social goal.

  Ghost: To abruptly cut off all contact with someone, especially a romantic partner.

  Conlang: A constructed language, usually invented for a book, movie, or TV series. Examples: Klingon (Star Trek) and Dothraki (Game of Thrones).

  Dog whistle: A statement that has a secondary meaning intended for a specific group of people; politicians use dog whistles in their speeches to resonate with certain voters.

  Fatbergs: The solid masses of congealed cooking fat and personal hygiene products that are increasingly found in sewers.

  Fitspiration: A combination of fit and inspiration—the person or event that motivates you to get fit.

  FOMO: Fear of missing out (what your friends feel if they don’t have a copy of this book).

  Kompromat: From a Russian term—compromising material used in blackmail.

  Listicle: An article that’s presented as a list, such as “Thirteen Rockers Who Happen to Be Die-Hard Fans of Star Wars.”

  ICYMI: In case you missed it.

  Strange but true: Serial killer Ted Bundy once worked a suicide hotline.

  Lolcat: A picture of a cat with a funny caption that’s often misspelled or grammatically incorrect. The writing style is called lolspeak.

  Hazzled: Chapped or dried, especially by the sun.

  Microbead: A tiny plastic orb found in some toothpastes and exfoliating body washes.

  Rando: A stranger, especially one who behaves suspiciously. Short for “random.”

  Schneid: A losing streak, especially in sports. Example: “With their first-ever Super Bowl win, the Philadelphia Eagles officially broke the schneid.”

  Truther: A conspiracy theorist who believes that the truth about an event is being intentionally concealed.

  Snollygoster: A shrewd and unprincipled person, especially a politician. The 19th-century word was considered obsolete and was dropped from Merriam-Webster in 2003…but reentered in 2017.

  TL; DR: Too long; didn’t read.

  Wacky tobacky: Marijuana.

  Supercentenarian: A person who is at least 110 years old.

  Throw shade: To publicly disrespect, criticize, or express contempt for someone.

  Milkshake duck: A person who is adored by the public at first, but is then found to be deeply flawed, causing a sharp decline in their popularity; the phrase came from a Twitter post by Ben Ward, an Australian cartoonist: “The whole internet loves Milkshake Duck, a lovely duck that drinks milkshakes! *5 seconds later* We regret to inform you the duck is racist.”

  Mahoosive: Exceptionally big.

  MORE WORDS THAT

  WERE RECENTLY

  ADDED TO THE DICTIONARY

  •bestest

  •binge-watch

  •butt ugly

  •cat café

  •face-palm

  •humblebrag

  •ride shotgun

  •sriracha

  •troll

  •woo-woo

  •Seussian

  •yowza

  •first world problem

  “Language is the road map of a culture. It tells you where its people come from and where they are going.”

  —Rita Mae Brown

  Disneyland serves up 2.8 million churros a year.

  THE FATAL GLASS OF BEER

  Some American presidents have had a reputation for drinking to excess, but Abraham Lincoln wasn’t one of them. Even so, alcohol played a role in his untimely end.

  ON GUARD

  Five days after Robert E. Lee surrendered to Ulysses S. Grant at Appomattox Courthouse in April 1865, effectively bringing the Civil War to an end, President Lincoln and his wife decided to enjoy a rare night out. They went to see a performance of the comedy Our American Cousin at Ford’s Theatre, a few blocks from the White House. That evening the president’s regular bodyguard, Colonel William Crook, was off duty, so a Washington, DC, policeman named John Parker accompanied the Lincolns to the theater in his place. After the Lincolns and their guests, Major Henry Rathbone and his fiancée, Clara Harris, settled into the presidential box, Parker, armed with a revolver, stationed himself in the passageway outside.

  He didn’t stay there long. At some point during the play, he left his post and went next door to the Star Saloon for a tankard of ale. (Parker later claimed that Lincoln had released him from his responsibilities until the end of the play.)

  STRANGE BEDFELLOWS

  The owner of the Star Saloon, Peter Taltavull, later testified that at around 10:00 p.m., while Parker was drinking his ale, John Wilkes Booth walked into the saloon, ordered some whiskey, then asked for a glass of water. After downing both, he left money on the bar and walked out. He proceeded directly to Ford’s Theatre and at 10:13 p.m. fired the shot that killed Lincoln. Parker was still in the saloon drinking beer when word drifted in that the president had been shot.

  Mary Lincoln laid much of the blame for Lincoln’s death at Parke
r’s feet. So did Lincoln’s regular bodyguard, Colonel Crook: “Booth had found it necessary to stimulate himself with whiskey in order to reach the proper pitch of fanaticism,” he wrote. “Had he found a man at the door or the president’s box with a Colt’s revolver, his alcohol courage might have evaporated.”

  After the assassination, Parker, who had a history of being drunk on duty and visiting brothels during work hours, remained on the force. He was even assigned to guard Mary Lincoln. (“So you are on guard tonight, on guard in the White House after helping to murder the president,” she screamed before ordering him from her sight.) In 1868 Parker was thrown off the force after he was caught sleeping on the job.

  There are more digits in a number called a googolplex than there are particles in the universe.

  MOUTHING OFF

  WISE WOMEN

  Some thought-provoking words on how to thrive in a challenging world.

  “I have learned over the years that when one’s mind is made up, this diminishes fear. Knowing what must be done does away with fear.”

  —Rosa Parks

  “The secret ingredient that drives hard work and excellence is passion.”

  —Kelly Ayotte

  “It isn’t where you come from; it’s where you’re going that counts.”

  —Ella Fitzgerald

  “We are all born to die—the difference is the intensity with which we choose to live.”

  —Gina Lollobrigida

  “Always be more than you appear and never appear to be more than you are.”

  —Angela Merkel

  “I used to want the words ‘She tried’ on my tombstone. Now I want ‘She did it.’ ”

  —Katherine Dunham

  “I would always rather be happy than dignified.”

  —Charlotte Brontë

  “There are no hopeless situations; there are only men who have grown hopeless about them”

  —Clare Booth Luce

  “A wise woman puts a grain of sugar into everything she says to a man, and takes a grain of salt with everything he says to her.”

  —Helen Rowland

  “Big egos are shields for lots of empty space.”

  —Diane Black

  STRANGE CRIME:

  TATTOO EDITION

  A tattoo can be an expression of your personality, or it can be a commemoration of a unique event in your life…or it can be a way for witnesses to identify you after you commit a crime.

  STATE PRIDE. In July 2009, a man staged an armed home invasion of a mobile home in Riverview, Florida. He broke in at 5:00 a.m. and forced the residents into a bathroom while he looted the house looking for electronics, cash, and prescription drugs. The perpetrator, Sean Roberts, was later picked up by police, and was easily identified by the victims. Roberts, it turned out, had neglected to conceal his face during the invasion, and the mobile home residents remembered him for his prominent tattoo—a map of the state of Florida on his left cheek.

  THE NAME GAME. A Twin Falls, Idaho, man named Dylan Contreras was wanted by police on some outstanding warrants. One night in 2012, a police officer spotted Contreras and some friends acting suspiciously, and walking down the middle of the street. As he asked the group to move to the sidewalk, he sensed that Contreras might flee, so he asked him for ID. Contreras told the cop that his name was Emiliano Velesco—but the officer didn’t believe him. Reason: he had the name “CONTRERAS” tattooed on his forearm.

  THE ODD NAME GAME. Two Billings, Montana, police officers were working a case when they happened to walk past a guy on the street with an odd tattoo: the word “Wolfname” was tattooed on his head. Other than the fact that face tattoos are relatively unusual, they wouldn’t have thought much of it…except that they remembered having heard “Wolfname” before. It was the name of a suspect in a fatal assault case in nearby Wyoming. Police arrested the man, whose name was…Sterling F. Wolfname.

  YOU CAN RUN BUT YOU CAN’T HIDE. In August 2017, a man from Thailand saw an elderly guy sitting, shirtless, on a Bangkok park bench and took a photograph of him. The photographer admired the man’s elaborate and extensive tattoos depicting Japanese warriors and dragons, and he uploaded the pictures to Facebook. The photos quickly went viral, and were seen by thousands of people, including police in Japan… who quickly recognized the tattoos as ones normally sported by members of the Yakuza, the notorious “Japanese Mafia.” Thai authorities were alerted, and they tracked down the man, 74-year-old Yakuza crime lord Shigeharu Shirai. He’d fled in 2003 to escape prosecution for the alleged murder of a rival. He was arrested and deported back to Japan, where he is expected to face trial.

  Bone dry? Your skeleton is actually covered in a thin layer of moisture.

  THE SECRET LIVES

  OF AUTHORS

  Writers aren’t always bookish and nerdy. Many of history’s greatest authors lived lives of high adventure and low crime…before they wrote great works of literature.

  Jack London. He felt the “call of the wild” and was his own boss when, as a teenager, he worked as an oyster pirate. He stole them from San Francisco oyster farms and then sold them at markets on the other side of the bay, in Oakland.

  Charles Dickens. The reason the author’s works were so sensitive to the plight of the working poor during England’s Industrial Revolution was that Dickens put in his time in those factories himself. At the age of 12, he worked 10 hours a day in a boot polish factory, pasting labels onto bottles.

  George Orwell. In 1922, 19-year-old Eric Blair (that’s his real name) joined the Indian Imperial Police and worked as a cop in Burma. He later returned to his native England, where he conducted “experiments” and wrote about them. Example: he lived on the streets of London and Paris just to see what being homeless felt like.

  Agatha Christie. During World War I, the mystery author spent four years working as a nurse’s aide at a military hospital. In 1917 she was promoted to pharmacist assistant, a job she held until the end of the war, a year later.

  Jack Kerouac. It should come as no surprise that the author of On the Road lived the same itinerant lifestyle he championed as the unofficial leader of the Beat generation. Among Kerouac’s low-paying gigs: dishwasher, gas station attendant, deckhand, train brakeman, and night watchman.

  Arthur Conan Doyle. In the 1880s, Doyle served as a ship’s doctor before establishing a private practice in Southsea, England. Doyle based his most famous character, Sherlock Holmes, on a colleague from those days.

  Harper Lee. The author of To Kill a Mockingbird financed her literary ambitions in the 1950s by working the ticket counter for Eastern Airlines. In 1956 a wealthy friend gifted her with one year’s salary so that Lee would be free to write full-time. She used the year off to write To Kill a Mockingbird.

  First online food ordering: Pizza Hut set up an experimental service called PizzaNet in 1994.

  William S. Burroughs. Upon his discharge from the army for psychiatric concerns in 1942, Burroughs moved to Chicago and found work as an exterminator.

  Herman Melville. Moby-Dick was informed by Melville’s five years at sea. In 1839 he joined the crew of the St. Lawrence as a cabin boy and sailed from the East Coast to England, then worked for several ships that sailed the Pacific Ocean. Among his adventures: He was part of a mutiny (for which he was briefly jailed) and he lived among a tribe of cannibals in Polynesia.

  J. D. Salinger. In 1941 the author of A Catcher in the Rye worked as the activities director on the Kungsholm, a high-end cruise ship.

  Daniel Defoe. He popularized the English-language novel with Robinson Crusoe in 1719, but his life up to that point was the stuff of literature. In the late 1600s, he got a job as a traveling hosiery salesman, which took him to the Netherlands, Spain, and France. (It was during this time that he changed his name—from “Foe” to “Defoe,” believing the prefix made him sound French and wealthy.) In 1688 he befriended William of Orange, the newly crowned English monarch, who put Defoe to work as a spy.

  Fyodor Dost
oyevsky. At age 15, Dostoyevsky’s parents forced him into a military school that specialized in engineering. The future author of Crime and Punishment hated the school, but stayed in the program; upon graduation, he took a job as an engineer.

  Robert Frost. Frost published his first poem in 1894, “My Butterfly: An Elegy.” At the time, he was working on a factory assembly line, placing filaments inside of light bulbs.

  James Joyce. Just after the turn of the 20th century, Joyce taught English in Croatia and Italy, and worked as a nightclub pianist before returning to his hometown—Dublin, Ireland—in 1909 to run the city’s first movie theater.

  Joseph Conrad. Born Józef Teodor Konrad Korzeniowski in 1857 in what is now the Ukraine, he joined the French merchant marines at age 16 to avoid getting drafted. He sailed for five years, but amassed huge gambling debts along the way… and attempted suicide to escape them. But he lived, and a wealthy uncle paid off his creditors. After he lost his job with the merchant marines, he joined an English fleet, changed his name to Joseph Conrad, and sailed to the Caribbean, India, Australia, South America, and Africa. His journey into the interior of Africa to transport a prominent Belgian trader named Georges Antoine Klein directly inspired his novel Heart of Darkness.

  Every county in Utah contains at least part of a U.S. national forest.

  ALL THAT AND

  A BAG OF CHIPS

  Nowadays when you hear the term “chip maker,” it conjures up images of silicon wafers and companies like Intel and Motorola. But those chips aren’t nearly as tasty as the kind you buy in the supermarket. Here’s a look at some of the folks who brought some of our favorite snack foods into being.

  WILLIAM KITCHINER

  Kitchiner, an Englishman, was the author of a best-selling 1817 cookbook called The Cook’s Oracle. It contains the oldest known recipe for homemade potato chips, which he called “Potatoes Fried in Slices or Shavings”: