Uncle John's Actual and Factual Bathroom Reader
Page 58
Brink Sanity (Republican), The Brink of Sanity for President in 2016 Committee
Frosty Chicken (Independent), Frosty Chicken 4 Prez! Committee
Rarest Pepe (Unknown), Committee to Make Pepe Rare
Jean-Luc Picard (No Party Affiliation), United Federation of Planets
Ultra-MC Harry The MLG Wizard Potter UMC HP (Commandments Party), Gryffindor MLG C0DSW4G XXXDDDDDDD Committee
Mister Han James Solo (TRA), The Rebel Alliance Committee, Forest Moon of Endor
Reverend Pamela M. Pinkney Butts (Multipartisan), Pinkney Butts 2016 Committee
President Emperor Caesar (Democratic), President Emperor Caesar Committee
Mary Jane (Libertarian), Marijuana for President Committee
Some Lice (Republican), Committee of Lice
Why So Many Trolls (Independent), Trolls For President Committee
Ponzi Schemes Suck (Prohibition), Ashley Samuelson Committee
Anus The Goat (Democratic), Anus for President Committee
HipHop For President (Democratic), HipHop For President Committee
Paul Y. Potato (Write-In), People for Mr. Potato Committee
Devon “Deez” Nutz Padgett (Republican), Committee to Elect Deez Nutz
Mr. Grump (Independent), I’m Grump, And I’m Not So Grump, And We’re The Game Grump—Arin and Danny Grump Committee
Coffee and Donuts (Non Partisan), Everybody Loves Coffee and Donuts Committee
Mr. Porcupines R. Spikey Jr. (American Independent), Spikey for President Committee
Zibble the Puppet (No Party Affiliation), Puppet Freedom Force Committee
Sister city of Boring, Oregon: Dull, Scotland.
Dank Ass Weed (Independent), Dank Ass Weed for President Committee
Lady Sparkle Kawaii (Independent), Lolitas on Liberty Committee
President Princess Khadijah M. Jacob-Fambro (Revolutionary Party), From One Alien to Another Alien “Lil Wayne” Dwayne Michael Carter Jr. “President Carter” Will You Marry Me? I Am God!!! President Princess Khadijah M. Jacob-Fambro Committee
Max Cat McCoy (Republican), Smugcat Committee
Buffy Anne Summers (Socialist), The Scoobies Committee
Michael Andrew, Duke of Leppert (Other), Big Booty Bitches Inc. Committee
HRM Caesar Saint Augustine de Buonaparte Emperor of the United States of Turtle Island (Absolute Dictator Party), Sovereign Citizens Committees HRM Caesar Saint Augustine de Buonaparte
Commandant Dog Eating Maniacal Fish Brained Ugly Moose Lookalike Fool That Will Be Elected (Republican), Oh No I Just Married My Sister OJ Simpson Oh NoNo!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Committee.
Moose the Dog (Jewish/Christian National Party), Your Mom Committee
Foot Cheese (None), Foot Cheese For President 2016 Committee
Osama Bin Liftin (UN Party), Bin Liftin For President Committee
Zorro the Cockroach (Communist), Osama bin Laden Committee
Kermit Frog (Boiling Frog), Kermit the Frog for President Committee
Mr. Jesus Iron Man Chris D Rockman Jr. (Independent), Jesus Iron Man Chris Rockman for President Committee
The Crawling Chaos Nyarlathotep (Communist), Church of Starry Wisdom Committee
The Ghost of Christmas Present MMXV (One Earth Party), Past Present Future Committee
Sydney’s Voluptuous Buttocks (Independent), The Syd Buttocks Committee
@lolmynameisjon (Peace and Freedom), Lolmynameisjon for President 2k16 Committee
Disco Daddy (Other), LGBT Nationalist Party Committee
Fredrickson Asshat Kazoo (Other), Kazoos for the People Committee
This Is Fake (Republican), Fake For President Committee
Lucille Hamster (OE), Lucille Hamster for President Committee
Ms Bunny H. Carr?t (Unknown), Bunny for President Committee
Benjamin Dover (Independent), Ben Dover for America Committee
Q: Why did James McNeill Whistler’s mother pose for the famous painting? A: Because…
ATTENTION EARTHLINGS!
WARNING!
The atomic age of the 1950s spawned a whole new genre of science fiction movies that featured radioactivity, UFOs, paranoia about invasion, and scary warnings from outer space. Here are a few of our favorites. Watch them now, puny Earthlings!
The Angry Red Planet
MARTIANS GET MAD! THEN GET EVEN!
Year: 1959
Plot: It’s Earth’s first manned mission to Mars…and it’s a disaster. The crew is attacked by a man-eating plant, then by a giant bat-spider monster, and then an amoeba creature with a spinning eye. Only two survivors make it back to Earth, and when they do, they find that their ship is carrying a message on its data recorder.
Message from the Martians: “Men of Earth, we of the planet Mars give you this warning. Listen carefully and remember: We have known your planet Earth since the first creature crawled out of the primeval slime of your seas to become man. For millennia, we have followed your progress. For centuries, we have watched you, listened to your radio signals and learned your speech and your culture, and now you have invaded our home. Technological adults, but spiritual and emotional infants, we kept you here, deciding your fate. Had the lower forms of life on our planet destroyed you, we would not have interfered, but you survived. Your civilization has not progressed beyond destruction, war and violence against yourselves and others. Do as you will to your own and to your planet, but remember this warning—do not return to Mars. You will be permitted to leave for this sole purpose. Carry the warning to Earth—“Do not come here.” We can and will destroy you—all life on your planet—if you do not heed us. You have seen us, been permitted to glimpse our world. Go now. Warn mankind not to return unbidden.”
The Thing from Another World
IT CREEPS…IT CRAWLS…IT STRIKES
WITHOUT WARNING!
Year: 1951
Plot: At an arctic research outpost, scientists locate a crashed spaceship and its alien pilot frozen in the ice nearby. When they take the frozen body to the base, it accidentally thaws. It turns out to be a plant-based life-form that feeds on blood. When it goes on a murderous rampage, the scientists make a last-stand attempt to stop it.
Warning from a radio reporter: “Every one of you listening to my voice. Tell the world. Tell this to everybody, wherever they are. Watch the skies. Everywhere. Keep looking. Keep watching the skies!”
…the model who was supposed to pose didn’t show up that day.
The Day the Earth Stood Still
FROM OUT OF SPACE…A WARNING AND AN ULTIMATUM!
Year: 1951
Plot: When humanoid alien Klaatu and his 8-foot-tall robot, Gort, land their spaceship in the heart of Washington, DC, the U.S. military goes all-out to destroy them, but that doesn’t stop the aliens from bringing their powerful message to all of the people of Earth.
Message from the alien Klaatu: “I am leaving soon, and you will forgive me if I speak bluntly. The universe grows smaller every day, and the threat of aggression by any group, anywhere, can no longer be tolerated. There must be security for all, or no one is secure. Now, this does not mean giving up any freedom, except the freedom to act irresponsibly. Your ancestors knew this when they made laws to govern themselves and hired policemen to enforce them. We, of the other planets, have long accepted this principle. We have an organization for the mutual protection of all planets and for the complete elimination of aggression. The test of any such higher authority is, of course, the police force that supports it. For our policemen, we created a race of robots. Their function is to patrol the planets in spaceships like this one and preserve the peace. In matters of aggression, we have given them absolute power over us. This power cannot be revoked. At the first sign of violence, they act automatically against the aggressor. The penalty for provoking their action is too terrible to risk. The result is, we live in peace, without arms or armies, secure in the knowledge that we are free from aggression and war. Free to pur
sue more…profitable enterprises. Now, we do not pretend to have achieved perfection, but we do have a system, and it works. I came here to give you these facts. It is no concern of ours how you run your own planet, but if you threaten to extend your violence, this Earth of yours will be reduced to a burned-out cinder. Your choice is simple: join us and live in peace, or pursue your present course and face obliteration. We shall be waiting for your answer. The decision rests with you.”
Wood you believe? Pound for pound, the most flatulent creature on Earth is the termite.
Earth vs. the Flying Saucers
WARNING! TAKE COVER!
Year: 1956
Plot: Flying saucers filled with aliens from a dying planet attack Washington, DC, and the U.S. military fights back. The saucer creatures meet with one of Earth’s top scientists and tell him that they had come in peace, but it’s a trick—they’re really invading Earth. It turns out that the aliens, who wear suits made of solid electricity and have the power to extract information directly from the human brain, can be killed with handguns. The scientist invents an antimagnetic ray and successfully destroys the saucers before the saucers can destroy humanity.
Message from the aliens: “Attention! People of Earth, attention! This is a voice speaking to you from thousands of miles beyond your planet. Look to your sun for a warning!”
It Came from Outer Space
REACHING FROM THE SCREEN TO SEIZE YOU IN ITS GRASP!
Year: 1953
Plot: An astronomer named John Putnam and his girlfriend watch as a fiery meteorite crashes in the desert. But it’s not a meteorite—it’s a spaceship. Putnam reports the crash to the sheriff. The sheriff doesn’t believe him. Meanwhile, several townspeople have started behaving like zombies. Putnam returns to the crash site, where the head alien tells him the crash was an accident and the aliens just want to repair their ship and leave. Putnam discovers that the aliens, who are one-eyed and slimy, have been abducting people and assuming their shapes so that they can go into town to gather the materials they need for their repairs. As a good-faith gesture, the aliens release the abductees. In return, Putnam helps hold off the hostile sheriff and his posse while the friendly aliens make their escape from Earth.
Warning from John Putnam when asked if the aliens are gone for good: “No, just for now. It wasn’t the right time for us to meet. But there will be other nights, other stars for us to watch. They’ll be back.”
“If you’re too open-minded, your brains will fall out.” —Lawrence Ferlinghetti
First state to make Christmas a holiday: Alabama (1836).
PLANET 9 FROM
OUTER SPACE
If you’re still smarting over the “demotion” of Pluto to dwarf planet status in 2006, take heart! The same astronomer who played a big part in Pluto’s reclassification says there’s credible evidence that a ninth planet—a real one this time—is lurking somewhere far beyond Neptune in the outer reaches of the solar system.
LOOKING UP
In 2012 two astronomers named Chad Trujillo and Scott Sheppard discovered what may be another dwarf planet in the Kuiper belt, a band of a billion or more of objects orbiting the Sun, in a Saturn-like ring, beyond Neptune. Pluto was the first object discovered in the Kuiper belt, and that was in 1930. Since then, more than 1,300 Kuiper belt objects, or KBOs, have been observed. Most are too small to be considered dwarf planets, but a handful of the KBOs discovered are similar to Pluto in size.
The object discovered by Trujillo and Sheppard in 2012 is likely to be a dwarf planet. When they reported their find to the International Astronomical Union, the organization responsible for naming planets and celestial bodies, the IAU gave it the designation 2012 VP113. But who wants to call it that? Trujillo and Sheppard referred to it simply as “VP” at first, and then nicknamed it “Biden,” after then-U.S. vice president Joe Biden.
Trujillo and Sheppard were studying other distant objects in the Kuiper belt as well, and they noticed that 13 of the most distant—Biden included—had odd orbits that suggested they were being pulled by the gravitational force of an unknown planet in the solar system.
POINTERS
Trujillo and Sheppard’s work prompted two Caltech astronomers, Mike Brown and Konstantin Batygin, to study the same 13 Kuiper belt objects. If the name Mike Brown sounds familiar, that could be because he was the guy who discovered Eris, a Kuiper belt object that has a greater mass than Pluto (but is slightly smaller in size). The discovery of Eris is what prompted the IAU to reclassify both Pluto and Eris, and other objects like them, as dwarf planets in 2006.
Brown and Batygin observed that the six most distant of the 13 Kuiper belt objects had orbits that all pointed in the same direction in space. They estimated that the odds of this happening purely by chance were 1 in 100. In other words, there was a 99 percent chance that the gravitational force of some unknown object had caused the orbits to point in the same direction.
Simpsons creator Matt Groening wanted Marge to have secret bunny ears hidden under her…
In addition, the orbits of the six outermost objects were tilted roughly 30 degrees downward in relation to the orbits of Earth and the other planets in the solar system. Brown and Batygin calculated that the odds of that happening at random were even lower: less than one one-hundredth of 1 percent. That meant that there was a 99.99 percent chance that the gravitational pull of an unknown object (or objects) had caused the 30-degree tilt.
PULLERS
Like Trujillo and Sheppard, Brown and Batygin suspected that an unknown planet might be responsible for these odd orbits. But they had to consider all the possibilities, so they began running computer simulations of many different scenarios—one planet, more than one planet, lots of smaller objects, etc.—to find a scenario that would explain the orbits they had observed. One possibility they examined was whether a cluster of undiscovered Kuiper belt objects might be the culprit. But none of the cluster simulations they ran produced the orbits that had been observed.
Another possibility they simulated in their computer was a planet that orbited the Sun beyond the orbits of the six Kuiper belt objects. But no matter what size planet they used, or where they placed it in space, none of the simulations worked.
Next, they tried a planet in an “anti-aligned orbit,” which meant that for part of its orbit, it was farther from the Sun than the other six objects, and for part of its orbit it was closer. And the planet’s perihelion, or closest approach to the Sun, was 180 degrees on the opposite side of the Sun than the perihelions of the other six objects. When Brown and Batygin ran this simulation, it worked.
Brown and Batygin suspected that an unknown planet might be responsible for these odd orbits.
And there was a bonus: the simulation also provided an explanation for the unusual orbit of another Kuiper belt object called Sedna, which Brown, Trujillo, and a third astronomer, David Rabinowitz, discovered in 2003 and had puzzled over ever since. Unlike many other large bodies in the Kuiper belt, Sedna never gets close enough to Neptune to be strongly influenced by that planet’s gravitational pull. Brown and Batygin theorized that the undiscovered planet, if it existed, might have pulled Sedna away from Neptune, and in the process reduced Neptune’s influence on it.
TRIFECTA
Another thing the computer model predicted—and which surprised Brown and Batygin—was that some other Kuiper belt objects would orbit the Sun on a plane that was perpendicular to the plane of the planets as they orbit the Sun. If the planets were on horizontal plane (think east to west), these Kuiper belt objects would be orbiting on a vertical plane (north to south). And as Brown and Batygin quickly realized, five such objects had already been found, though their unusual orbits had not been explained.
…blue beehive, something that would not be revealed until the very last episode of the show.
Until now.
“When the simulation aligned the distant Kuiper belt objects and created objects like Sedna, we thought this is kind of awesome—you kil
l two birds with one stone,” Batygin recounted in 2016. “But with the existence of the planet also explaining these perpendicular orbits, not only do you kill two birds, you also take down a bird that you didn’t realize was sitting in a nearby tree.”
FAR OUT
According to the computer model, “Planet 9,” as it has become known, has ten times the mass of Earth and two to four times its diameter. The plane of its orbit is inclined about 30 degrees from the orbital plane of the other eight planets in the solar system. And unlike the other planets, its orbit is highly elliptical, rather than circular. At its closest approach to the Sun, it is 200 astronomical units from the Sun. (One AU is the average distance between the Sun and Earth, or about 93 million miles.) At its most distant point, Planet 9 is 1,200 AU from the Sun. With this orbit, it would take somewhere between 10,000 and 20,000 years to complete one trip around the Sun.
Planet 9 may not always have been so far out. It may once have been much closer in, but may have traveled too close to Jupiter or Saturn and been flung by their gravitational field out into the far reaches of the solar system. Another possibility is that it is an exoplanet, or planet from another solar system, that floated near our solar system some 4.5 billion years ago, and was captured by the gravitational pull of the Sun or the planets and has been hanging around ever since.
The only way to prove for certain that an undiscovered planet exists is to actually discover it.
SLINGSHOT
It’s still possible that some other explanation exists; the only way to prove for certain that an undiscovered planet exists is to actually discover it. Brown, Batygin, and doubtless other astronomers are searching the skies along the proposed orbit of Planet 9, looking for visual evidence that it really is there. If the planet is at a point in its orbit where it’s close to the Sun, any number of astronomical observatories around the world may be able to spot it. Even better, if it is nearby, it may already have been photographed in previous surveys of the sky, and all that needs to be done is to search the old images for an object that matches Planet 9’s description, and that is traveling in the same orbital path.