He waves goodbye to the crowd and jumps off the stage.
“What are you doing here?” He wraps his arms around me, smashing my face against his chest. He’s sweaty, but that only heightens his sex appeal. I breathe him in. The smoke, sweat, and cologne all heighten my senses. How did I go so long without him in my life?
“I wanted to surprise you.”
“Well, I’m surprised.” He looks around and then motions back to the stage. “People are staring. Come on, let’s go backstage.”
He lets go of me, and I follow him back through a set of doors. Backstage is quieter, but bright. The rest of the band are goofing off on a couch. As soon as we enter the room, he drops my hand. I’m surprised at how my body reacts at so abruptly losing his touch. I struggle not to reach out and touch him again.
“Look who came to join us.” The drummer with short black hair and a beard stands up and holds out a hand. He’s not wearing a shirt, but his entire torso and arms are covered in brightly colored tattoos. I take his firm grip and look him in the eyes. This is the guy who had been glaring at me in Nashville.
“It’s Nutmeg, right? I’m Booker.”
The rest of the band snickers, except for Caspian whose jaw tightens.
“Ginger, actually,” I tell him with a sweet voice. I have to play nice.
“My bad. You want a drink? All we have is water. You do drink water right?”
What’s that supposed to mean? What’s Caspian been telling them about me? I’m at a loss for words. There’s nothing I can say to break the awkward silence in the room. I look up at Caspian who glares at Booker. It’s as if he’s issuing a death sentence from the coldness in his eyes.
“Lay off, Booker,” Caspian warns.
I reach out and squeeze Caspian’s arm. “It’s okay. I can take a joke. Yes, I drink water, but I’m not thirsty thank you.”
“I didn’t mean anything, man.” Booker says before sitting back down on the old couch.
Curiously, I look around at the other members. They all look so different, but all have the same gaze of confusion in their eyes. As my gaze meet Aly’s, I feel her assessing me. She wants to know if I’m a threat. Yes, yes I am, bitch.
“This is Leo, Fiz, and Aly.” Caspian points to each member of the band. Leo is younger than the rest of them, possibly my age with blond hair and a lip ring. Fiz sports a Mohawk and black eyeliner making him the most eccentric guy in the room.
“I recognize you from TV,” Aly says.
“Thank you,” I tell her.
“I didn’t mean that as a compliment.”
She did not just say that. I open my mouth to say something bitchy, but stop when Caspian squeezes my hand. He gives me a tight smile and turns to her. “Whatever Aly, you love that show.”
Booker speaks up, breaking the tension. “So what kind of name is Ginger?”
“It’s a nickname. What kind of name is Booker?”
He shrugs. “It’s my middle name. I hate my real name. Joseph. Blah. Makes me sound all religious.”
We have something in common then. I want to show these guys and Caspian that I can fit in.
“I understand. My real name is Deena, but I don’t think anyone has called me that in years.”
It’s amazing how fast they all shut up. Booker looks at Caspian. Caspian looks at Aly. Leo smirks at Booker. It’s like a little personal game that I’m not in on.
“Did I say something wrong?”
Caspian grabs his jacket off the back of a few folding chairs in the corner of the room. “Let’s go get some food. I’m starving. The rest of the band is gonna hang out with the fans up front.”
How rude of me. I can’t expect him to drop his plans to hang out with me. “If you want to hang out with the fans, I can go back to the hotel. I mean, I don’t want to mess up your plans.”
“Caspian never hangs out afterward. He doesn’t like bars anymore,” Leo points out. He stands up and slaps Caspian on the back. “Go hang out with Deena.”
There’s another meaning behind his teasing, but I can’t figure out what. I sense that I’m missing out on something important.
Caspian nods toward another door. “Let’s leave through the back.” He walks out and leaves me to trail closely behind. I take a deep breath and give everyone in the room a small wave goodbye.
“Nice to meet you. All of you.” I’ll be nice, even if Booker hates me and Aly looks like she wants to scratch my eyes out. I hurry after Caspian, who has left me behind as he tears out of the room.
“What was that about?” I ask him as we come out in an alleyway. He throws on his jacket and stuffs his hands in his pocket and keeps walking. His mouth is set in a tight line, but his body is tense.
“Nothing.” He turns around to face me, and I almost slam into him. “What are you doing here? Really?”
I nudge him and lean in playfully to break the tension. “I needed to make sure you’re keeping up your end of the bargain.”
His face relaxes and he turns out his coat pockets. “See? Not a stick in sight.”
I move closer and stick my hands in the front of his jean pockets. Of course, there’s nothing in them, but I run my fingers along his thighs as I pretend to search him, tease him. Pulling them out, I run my hands along his hips to either side of his back pockets. There’s a wallet, but nothing else. I let my hands rest on his butt for a moment. I can feel him harden through the front of his pants, which turns me on even more. I press my lower stomach up against him as his cock pulses beneath me. I remove my hands from his back pocket and wrap them around his neck. He steps back against a wall, encircles my waist, and pulls me closer. He wants me. I know it. He knows it. Why fight it any longer?
“Cas,” I whisper. Our lips are almost touching. I’ve never wanted anything this badly before. My mind is screaming for him to kiss me, but he doesn’t close the distance between us. His fingers explore my body. They travel up my waist and around my back, before stopping at the base of my neck. Please, kiss me. I want to say the words out loud, but I can’t find the courage. His breath is hot against my face, and it smells like some sort of sweet intoxicating fruit.
He stiffens before turning away. He throws an arm around my shoulder in a less romantic way and guides me back out onto the street. “I’m hungry. There’s this truck in the park that sells the best damn tacos in the world.”
Filled with disappointment, I follow along with him. We walk a few blocks, while Caspian is unbelievably acting like that almost kiss didn’t just happen. He’s back to his chill, laid back self. He buys me a taco from a truck that looks older than I am, but I trust his judgment and try a bite.
My eyes water from complete happiness as my mouth close in around the soft warm shell. “Oh my freaking….mmm….this is awesome.”
“I know. It’s like a mouth orgasm.”
My nipples harden at the sound of the word ‘orgasm’ coming out of his mouth. Behave, Ginger. After his hot/cold attitude, I’m not sure I want to tell him how I feel. What if he shoots me down? We wander over to an empty park bench and sit down. A few inches apart, not too close though.
“So meeting your band was interesting,” I say with no enthusiasm.
“Don’t mind Booker. He’s still pissed about this Aly stuff, plus he thinks you’re a distraction.”
“Not to mention my excessive use of alcohol and daddy issues.”
Caspian tosses his empty wrapper in the trashcan. “Is that why you drank? Because you have daddy issues?”
I swallow and pretend for a moment that it’s not an issue. “Doesn’t everyone?”
“Me and my Pops have a good relationship. Mom too.”
“God, you’re just the poster child aren’t you?”
He throws an arm across the back of the bench. “You can tell me, Deena.”
Just hearing my name come from his mouth has me literally ready to jump him. I mentally fight with myself over whether I should go for it or not. He’s not the type to make the first move. That
would be my department.
“Why do you do that?” I ask.
“Do what?”
“Call me Deena sometimes, but not all the time.”
“I dunno.” He crosses his legs and looks out onto the dozens of people who walk past, most hand in hand. “I suppose it feels more like a term of endearment now. Sort of nostalgic? Deena. My Deena.”
I lean back against his arm that’s draped across the back of the bench. That’s me. I’m his Deena. Caspian’s Deena. Not Ginger. Not the actress, or the girl on the cover of the magazines. Just Caspian’s Deena. What would be the harm in opening up and telling him about my past?
“I don’t talk to my parents much. They don’t approve of my career choices. I had one big break, but I can’t seem to land a movie deal. All I need are my parents saying ‘I told you so’.”
“I’m sure things will get better. You’re talented.”
“I’m talented all right, but it’s not enough to make me stand out. I’ll have to start taking whatever I can get. Oh, speaking of which, they want to make a reality TV series about me. Me. Can you believe it?”
Caspian turns toward me on the bench. His brow furrows in confusion. “Do you really want people knowing your personal life?”
“They already think they know everything, why not show them the truth?”
“I suppose. If you’re comfortable with that type of stuff.”
“Who said I was comfortable? But it’s a job.”
Caspian narrows his eyes in on me. “You changed the subject. We were talking about your daddy issues.”
“There’s nothing to say.” I’m a good actress, and I only hope that he can’t see that that’s all I’m doing. Acting.
“What did they do? What made you jump on a bus and move clear across the country?”
“I technically didn’t hop on a bus you see. I flew here. Saved up for a year and a half.”
“Don’t change the subject,” he warns.
I don’t want to lie to him, but I’ve never admitted this to anyone, only Quinn knows the truth, but she doesn’t know that’s why I left.
“My father is an alcoholic.” I drop my face in my hands and groan. He has to be thinking that I’m the stupidest girl in the world for following in her father’s footsteps.
“Really?”
“Yeah, he doesn’t drink anymore or so my brothers and sisters tell me, but that house was so full of coldness and fighting. My parents were never the loving supportive type, as you can tell. They never had faith in me, encouraged me. The first chance I got, I packed my bags and left them behind.”
“I’m sorry. I can’t imagine what it must feel like to grow up without the support of my parents. So you know exactly what happens when someone drinks?”
I nod. “But I never wanted to admit to myself that I was like my father. They are in the past though. I don’t think about them or talk about them. We weren’t close. Never have been or will be. It’s just our way. Quinn was the only one I could ever count on.”
“I’m glad you can finally see what I do. You’re worth so much more. Stop selling yourself short. One day you’ll get the family you always deserved.”
He’s right. One day I’ll have everything I ever dreamed of. Everything is too serious right now. I can’t handle it. In the distance, I hear something that sounds like a lullaby from a music box.
“Do you hear that?” I grab his hand and pull him from the bench.
“No, what?”
“I hear music.”
He gives me this odd look, one that says he’s not in the mood to trample all over the park.
We keep walking until we reach a large crowd huddled around a group of people dancing.
“It’s one of those flash dance mob thingys!” I exclaim. There’s about a dozen of them moving to the beat. We watch until it ends, when everyone begins freestyling to the music.
“Come on.” I pull Caspian in with the crowd.
He shakes his head. “I don’t dance.”
“I love it! You made me eat fast food, now I’m making you dance with me.”
I close my eyes, spin around a few times, and let my body take control. Some random guy tries to dance with me, but I ignore him and dance instead in a circle around Caspian. My eyes fly open when Caspian grabs me by the waist and pulls me in for a more romantic slow dance. His feet move perfectly with the waltz, and our bodies move together fluidly.
“I thought you didn’t know how to dance.”
He throws his head back with laughter. “I only said I don’t dance. I know how to dance.”
I rest my head on his shoulder and relax in his arms. This is how it’s supposed to feel, I think. We stay like this for a long time, just living this moment.
“Can I ask you something?”
I feel him nod against my face.
I need to ask him about where we stand before I lose my nerve. “What happens to us tomorrow?”
“I go back on tour, and you go back home. We can still email. Maybe catch up in LA soon.”
Emailing will be so bland compared to this right here, right now. “I go back to work in a few weeks. That means fourteen hour days and very little time to email.”
“Are you worried we’ll lose touch?”
“Yes.”
“I have a feeling you’re gonna need me in the coming weeks. When the temptation strikes, you call me. Oh, try and join some sort of AA meeting. It helps to have a big support group.”
“I can’t let others know. Only you.”
“That’s fine.” His hand rubs my shoulder and a spread of goose bumps travel down my arm and up the back of my neck. I lick my lips and pull my head from its resting place on my shoulder. I’m gonna do it. I’m gonna kiss him. His hand moves from my neck up to the back of my head and we move closer together. Our noses touch. So close His breath is hot against my skin. I need this. I need you!
At the last second, he moves his face to the side and his hand leaves my body. “We can’t do this,” he says in a hoarse whisper. I pull out of my trance. We’re alone in the park again, all the other dancers have long been gone.
“Why not?” I exhale a short puff of air and frown. I pull out of his arms and sit down on a nearby bench.
“Because you were with another fuckin’ guy this morning.” He sits beside me.
Hurt, I curl back further from him. Last night will always be between us. Why did I do it?
“I screwed up, but he means nothing to me. I wasn’t thinking. Can you honestly say that you feel nothing for me? I tried to fight my feelings for you because I was stuck up and selfish, but that doesn’t matter to me anymore. I know now that I want you.”
“I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have said that. I have no control over who you are with.”
He grabs my shoulders before running his hands up to my chin and bending his head to look me in the eyes. “I’m so goddamn attracted to you it hurts. I think about you constantly from the time I open my eyes till the time I go to sleep. When I sing, I’m singing to you. When I breathe, I’m breathing for you.”
I let out a lungful of air and crack a smile. Yes. Yes. Me too.
“But it’s not meant to be, Ginger. Not yet, anyway. Being with you will kill Aly. I can’t hurt her any more than I already have. I can’t flaunt my new relationship in her face. Plus you need to focus on you right now, not a new relationship. There’s so many reasons, I can’t.”
I try to breath, but everything hurts. My throat, eyes, and heart all burn from his words. Finally, I’m able to get a few words out. “What about hurting me? Don’t we deserve this?”
“I can’t think about us. I’m thinking about my band. I’m thinking about you. You need to concentrate on healing yourself.”
“But I quit drinking.” Does he not understand that it’s taken a lot of courage to travel up here to tell him how I feel?
“So you say. It’s been what, twelve hours? It gets harder before it gets easier. You’ll have nights where the darkness
is so strong, and you’ll want to die. You’ll have to deal with this longing, this itch for the rest of your life. I want to be here for you, but as a friend. Nothing more.”
My sight blurs as I hold back the flood of tears that threaten to pour out. Don’t you dare cry in front of him! I took a risk, and he shot me down. It’s better to back down now before I make an even bigger fool of myself.
“But if we did this,” he continues. My ears perk up at the words. “If we do this. We commit to this relationship. Your job will keep you in LA. Mine will keep me traveling through the fifty states, possibly the world. We’ll never see each other. Booker will worry that you will, as he’ll put it, lead me back to the dark side. Aly will resent me. You’ll resent me for spending so much time with an ex-girlfriend.”
He’s rambling. Get to the point!
“A year will pass. Possibly two and before we know it we’ve spent more time on the phone than in the company of each other. You’ll be too focused on me, too worried, and begin to fall apart. My heart will be with you instead of on that stage. In the end, we’ll both be miserable. It will be a waste of time. For you, for me. A colossal and avoidable waste of time. I guess what I’m trying to make you understand is… our love story would be evanescent, but our friendship will be epic.”
“A waste of time?” I whisper, not exactly believing the words myself.
“We’re better off as friends.”
I can’t let him see the pain he’s causing. He doesn’t deserve that. He truly believes he’s doing this for the good of everyone else. He’s a nice guy. Too good for me. He’s selfless, and I’m selfish. I suppose I can’t have the nice guy or the bad guy. I don’t get anyone. “Okay. Friends.”
We don’t talk much after that. I begin to yawn as the park clears out. This entire trip is wasted. I should get going before I embarrass myself even more.
“I should get going,” I tell him. Please ask me to stay. Change your mind.
He does no such thing. Kiss him! Kiss him! Kiss him! Change his mind for him!
The One Thing Page 15
