The Cliff

by Gucker, Christie A. C.

  When I say everyone, I meant it. Steve, Chelsie, Samantha, Dylan, and Dane were all gathered there, watching me. I felt like an idiot, especially with all the perfect couples there. Nothing like what Grant and I had been through lately ever happened to any of them. Everything was always so perfect. The tears began to well and I felt my breath hitch in my throat. Within seconds, everyone was around me, patting my back or trying to hold a hand. I felt loved. Just not from the person I wanted it from most.

  “When, Samantha?” I said glumly.

  “I would say in about two hours. His plane is in flight as we speak. He’ll be here soon, Lanie, and then we can put all of this behind us. Everything is going to be okay. I promise. Now I’m going to make you some toast with butter.” Samantha hugged me and then moved aside for Dylan and Steve, so they could make me laugh.

  “You know, Lanie, we could tar and feather him for you,” Steve joked.

  “More like cover him in chocolate hazelnut spread and then roll him in sandwich cookie crumbs. Hey, that almost sounds good.”

  I shot Dylan a look and then couldn’t help but giggle, but then thought of those two nights and suddenly I was in tears again.

  “Oh no, please don’t cry. I just hate it when girls cry. That’s why Chels gets everything she wants. On with the waterworks and I just can’t help but give in.” Steve looked concerned.

  We all looked at Chelsie.

  “You cry? Is that even possible?”

  “Steve, shut up. You’re going to ruin my bitchy persona.” She punched Steve in the arm; he didn’t even flinch. That man was a solid wall of muscle. Muscle. I thought about Grant’s body and how badly I needed to feel it pressed up against mine. I thought about making love to him. I thought about Brianna, topless in front of him, her lips on his. My stomach began to burn and I felt the stress of it all flood over me again.

  “Earth to Lanie. Are you there?” Dylan whispered to me. I turned to look at him and the tears started again. What the hell was with me? I was like a water fountain.

  He put his arms around me and I buried my head into his shoulder. He held me close and tight. I cried hard. Everyone just stood around me, silent, except for Dylan, who continued to hold me while rubbing my back. He whispered how it would all be all right. He stroked my hair. Dylan was a good buddy. I loved him like a brother, and there was something about him that just made everything feel better. He was very calming.

  We were all huddled together when I heard the front door. Everyone turned and Grant stood there. He dropped his bags but didn’t move. He looked disheveled and tired, and his eyes were red. No one said a word and no one moved.

  Tick. Tock. Tick. Tock. Tick. Tock. Tick. Tock.

  I could hear Dane’s watch like it was on a loud speaker. I couldn’t hear my heart beating. It had stopped. I wasn’t sure whether it was seeing him in front of me, how drop dead gorgeous he looked even tired, or my fear of what was coming next.

  “Welcome home, Grant,” Dane said, and he walked over to him and gave him a pat on the back that was more like a push toward me. Grant looked at Dane, his eyes pleading for something to let him know what my demeanor would be. Dane nodded to him.

  Grant turned and looked at me. Again with the fucking tears. As soon as Grant saw my eyes tear up he began to move slowly toward me, at first. Then he moved much faster. My perception was so off it looked like he was down a long hallway and would never get to me.

  The others all parted like the Red Sea. Dylan and Steve flanked my sides. Grant stopped right in front of me and looked down. He had the same look on his face he did in my dream. He was pained. I felt my lip quiver and I bit it to make it stop. I didn’t want him to see me falter. I didn’t want him to see me upset. I wanted him to see me angry for what he’d done. But I just didn’t have it in me. He knelt down in front of me and reached out for my hands. I pulled them back and refused to look him in the eyes.

  “Lanie,” his voice was weak and hoarse. I didn’t respond. I felt Dylan elbow me in the ribs, so I looked at Grant’s knees. “Lanie, Love, please. Look at me. All you have to do is look at me and you’ll know,” he pleaded. I still couldn’t speak. Grant looked to the others for help, but no one had any idea what to do. They looked back and forth at each other and then shrugged their shoulders.

  “Please, Baby. I love you, only you. I need you. Please don’t turn away from me. Please. All I wanted was to get home to you.”

  “That’s bullshit, Grant! If that were true, you would have called me. You would have kept in contact with me as much as you could. You wouldn’t have gone to her room and on a date with her. Danced with her. Kissed her. You would’ve been here hours ago. But no, you stayed there with that bitch. I don’t believe you.” My voice was bitter like in the dream, sharp and angsty. I pulled away from him even more. Grant recoiled from my words. He shrunk. I swear to God that if I had a ruler, he’d measure at least a foot shorter. The whole room went quiet.

  Tick. Tock. Tick. Tock. The watch again. I took it off and threw it at Dane.

  “Hey. That’s my good watch. What’d it ever do to you?” Dane grabbed the watch off the floor and put it back on his own wrist.

  “Would it be okay if Lanie and I had a moment alone, please?” Grant’s voice was soft and smooth, holding no emotion.

  Everyone nodded and began to filter out of the room. Grant reached up and tilted my face towards his. As soon as I looked into his eyes, I began to bawl.

  “No. Please don’t do that. Lanie, please, I can’t stand it knowing that I’ve caused you this pain.”

  “So it’s true? Because you haven’t denied any of it. Not one bit. You made your choice when you went to her room and when you kissed her. You didn’t choose me. I would always have chosen you. There’s nothing more to say here,” I muttered under my breath. I reached down and removed my engagement ring from my finger and held it out to him. “This doesn’t mean anything to you. I can’t wear it anymore. This is a promise, one you obviously really didn’t want to make. There’s no reason for me to have this.” I was staring at the ring when I said it. I felt like it was the end. I was so hurt and angry I wanted to break something.

  What I broke was Grant. He collapsed in front of me, throwing himself at my feet and wrapping his arms around my legs. He broke out into loud sobs and spoke in gasps of words. “No. Please, Lanie. No. Don’t.” No man should ever cry like that. I felt my heart shatter with his. He stood up and pulled me with him. He wrapped his arms around me and cried into my hair. I felt my body lean into his. The desire to kiss him was undeniable. He felt so good. I still loved him and wanted him. It was him who chose another woman. I refused to hold him back. My arms hung limply by my sides and I turned my face away from him. I still held the ring in my hand, but it felt foreign to me. It wanted to be back on my finger.

  “Please, Lanie, just hear me out. You have every right to be mad. I … I can’t deny anything.” He hung his head when he said it. I felt my face flush and my body go ice cold. All this time I thought he would tell me it was nothing. That nothing had happened. I was all ready to feel stupid for even accusing him, for overreacting. But here he stood in front of me, telling me he couldn’t deny anything. That meant it was all true.

  “So it’s true?” And I began to bawl with him. “You cheated on me.”

  I felt my legs get weak and my head became fuzzy. Hell, was I going to fucking pass out? Grant’s strong arms wrapped around my waist and held me steady. He pushed his body tight against mine and took a deep breath in.

  “I didn’t cheat on you. But I can’t deny anything else you’ve said. I …”

  “Get out! Get away from me.” I pushed at him, but his arms held me in place. “Let go of me. I don’t want you to hold me. I don’t want you touching me or trying to comfort me.”

  But I did. He was the only one I wanted comforting me. The only hands I wanted on me. I felt anger, but in the same instant I wanted to feel his mouth on mine. I wanted to grab his hair and pull it hard and ki
ss him with all the frustration I felt. It needed to be rough and show him how hurt I was. He needed to feel how desperate I was for his love.

  “Leave! I can’t talk right now; I just can’t. Maybe you should go talk to Samantha and Chelsie and see what they think about what you just told me. See their reaction. Just know one thing, you broke my heart, Grant. I’m truly devastated and really have no words. Please go.” I turned my head away.

  “Lanie, please don’t say that. Please don’t send me away. I can’t live without you. Without you in my life, there’s no reason for it.” He was crying again.

  His words made the blood drain from my face. It was my dream exactly. I was so afraid to let him leave, but I was so hurt. I wanted to hurt him back.

  “Will you ever forgive me? Are we over, Lanie?” His eyes pleaded with me.

  “I can’t keep this.” I held the ring out to him again.

  “I won’t take it back. I will only ever love you. That ring will only ever be on your finger. I won’t take it. Please. Don’t give it back. Please don’t break up with me, Lanie. Don’t leave me.” He was back at my feet again. His head rested against my stomach and I felt his desperate tears start to soak through my shirt.

  “I need you to leave. All I wanted was for you to come home, and now I can’t even stand to be near you, knowing what you did.”

  “Lanie, I don’t know what you’re thinking. But listen to me. I can explain everything.”

  “But you can’t deny anything. Is that correct?” I interrupted him.

  He put his head down and shook it. “No, I can’t deny anything you said before. I didn’t call you. I didn’t text you. I was in her room that night.”

  “And you let her kiss you. I don’t think I even want to know what happened in her room.”

  Grant stood up to face me. He put his hands on my shoulders and spoke quietly. “I can’t deny. I can only explain.”

  I felt my hand slap him across the face hard enough to make his head turn. His hand went up to where I smacked and he nodded. I felt terrible for striking him. Things would never be repaired now. It was over. I took the ring and placed it on the table, turned and walked out onto the terrace, shutting the door behind me. When I turned back, Grant was gone, the ring still where I had placed it.

  I broke into a million pieces. The thought of throwing myself over the cliff’s edge was a possibility. I climbed up on the terrace wall and looked over the edge. All I needed was a light breeze. It would be so easy to just lean over too far. I started to lean and I felt a pair of strong hands around my waist.

  “What the fuck are you doing, Lanie? Are you crazy? If you slipped, you’d be a dead woman.” It was Dane. He pulled me off the wall and back down to the safety of the terrace.

  “I can’t live without him, Dane. It’s over. Without him, I’d have to leave the cliff.”

  “Lanie, it’s not over. Everything will be just fine. Okay? You just need time to cool down and listen to him. You need to hear him out,” he said, quite matter-of-factly.

  “Oh? On Grant’s side, are we?” I spat at him.

  “There are no sides. You two are meant to be together. This is just a speed bump, is all. You’ll talk tomorrow and everything will be better.”

  “No, it won’t. It won’t ever be better. He admitted it. He admitted being in her room that night. He admitted to kissing her back. I hit him.” I put my face into my hands and hid from the world.

  “Well, you didn’t break his nose. He hit me and we’re okay.”

  “It’s not the same fucking thing and you know it. Fuck you, Dane!” Venom-filled words spewed from my mouth.

  Dane took a step back and looked at me. He put his finger out to point it directly in my face. I wanted to break it.

  “That man loves you. He loves you so deeply I don’t think there’s anyone else in the world with a love that compares or rivals his, except for one; you. Your love for him. When he came back to the house, he was destroyed, Lanie. He was dead inside. Without you … Lanie, he needs you. You need him. You two kids need to work it out.” Dane was sincere. I knew after our talk things would be different, but I didn’t realize how much. I looked at him with moist eyes. He pulled me into a brotherly hug and told me to suck it up and forgive Grant.

  “Damn, Lanie, you even gave me a chance to talk. In fact, you’ve both given me chance after chance. Doesn’t your soul mate deserve the same if not more?”

  “I need to be alone.”

  “Like hell am I leaving after watching you tightrope walk the cliff’s edge. No-siree-Lanie. Ain’t gonna happen. If it’s not me you want here, I’d be more than happy to send one of the other troops over. But you are not to be left alone right now. And neither is Grant. Not in the shape you two are in. Do you think you’d like to talk to him later?”

  “No. I don’t want to talk to him at all. I gave the ring back.”

  “Yeah, I know. I saw it on the table. Lanie, please don’t let things end with him this way. I’ve never seen two people so made for each other.”

  “Then why did he want someone else? And how come you seem fine with the fact he cheated on me? Huh? Did he send you over? Get out of here. Leave!” Dane looked hurt.

  “No. He didn’t send me. I had to come talk to you. I owe you both. This is me trying to help you. This is me being the way I should have been this entire time. Please let me.” Dane grabbed my hand and looked into my eyes. “Lanie, that man loves you. This is Grant we’re talking about. You know there’s some rational explanation. You just have to know.”

  “I don’t know anything anymore. I just know my life has been hell since I’ve been with him.”

  “You don’t mean that. You don’t.”

  “I do. I want to be alone right now, Dane. I know you’re trying to help, but there isn’t anything you can do right now. Not for me and not for him. Nothing. There’s nothing that can be done.”

  “Why don’t you eat something? I left a plate on the table. If you want to be alone, take it to your room. But I’m not leaving. I’m making sure you’re all right all night.”

  “Oh I’m sure that’ll help things with Grant. Won’t it? He was probably getting back at me anyway for what happened between us.”

  “Lanie, Grant asked me to make sure you were okay. He said, and I quote, ‘Dane, go take care of our girl, please.’ And then he started slamming shots with Dylan and Steve.”

  “Oh, I can see how broken up he is. He’s over there partying and I’m the fool sitting here broken.”

  “He’s not partying. He’s numbing himself. And he’s doing it way too fast. He’s going to be sick or kill himself at the rate he’s going. Steve and Dylan are making sure he does neither.”

  “I’m going to my room. I’m taking the plate, but I’m not promising to eat. You can stay in Jack’s room or have the couch since you won’t leave. Thank you, Dane. But nothing is ever going to be the same again.”

  I went into the house and Dane followed me. He was texting Samantha or Chelsie, I was sure. I grabbed my plate of food, water and a fork and headed upstairs. I put the tray on the bed and changed into a cotton nightgown. I shut my lights off and let the moon light the room. I looked out my window and saw Grant’s light was on but knew he wasn’t up there. He was downstairs getting trashed, according to Dane.

  I sat and daydreamed about the night after we kissed; of all the nights when I was young and hoped he had been watching me in the window. I was lost in the moment, and when I looked back up, Grant’s lights were off and he was slumped at the window, watching me. He looked sad. I felt sad.

  He ran his fingers through his hair and I wished they were my fingers. The intensity of the draw I felt to him was insane. I stood up and then realized I was giving him a show with what I was wearing, one he didn’t deserve. He ran his hand through his hair again and just grasped the top and held it there. I felt like I was teasing him. Maybe I was. Part of me wanted to pull the shades and the other wanted to run to him and make love to him a
ll night.

  I turned toward my bedroom, my back to him now. I peered over my shoulder and he was gone so I walked slowly to the nightstand to look at my cell phone. No texts, at least not one from him. Not one from anyone. I waited to see if he was on his way over. Why was I wasting my time? I walked slowly over to …

  Chapter 41

  Don’t Move

  … my bed and looked down at it. It looked empty, very empty. I looked back at the window. I looked at my door. I looked back at the bed. Was I destined to be alone forever? I would never love anyone enough to replace Grant. I would die a spinster before I would ever engage another man in my life or in my bed.

  My heart ached for him, and yet my head cursed him. I turned and walked back to the window. His lights were still off and he hadn’t returned to the window. Maybe he was on his way over. Maybe he was feeling as much longing as I was.