We fell together, a tangle of limbs and skin. It was her on me, me on her—I couldn’t tell anymore where she ended and I began. Our soft cries echoed, and then my own ragged breathing drowned it out. My back arched and my legs shook. Topaz kept me there for long moments, burning and writhing and thrumming…
After, she lay down a few inches away from me—far enough that I was afraid to rest myself in her arms. She still wasn’t speaking. I wondered again if we should’ve done that. Our sweat was cooling, and it felt like we were even further apart than before.
At last I fell asleep, a fitful sleep that had me up half the night. I lay there awake, thinking about love and puppies. My life felt like a rollercoaster lately, and I wished so badly for it to get on an even keel.
Topaz was silent the first few times I awoke. Her body was just there, still and quiet.
But the fourth time I woke, she was up. I didn’t move, didn’t even make a sound.
Beside me, she lay on her front. She was choking back sobs.
TWENTY-ONE—TOPAZ
The smell of bacon was the first thing I knew when I woke up. It drifted into my nostrils, making my mouth water before I even got out of bed. I rolled over, setting my feet down on the floor. Even with the foul mood I was in lately, that smell could get me running out of bed.
When I got downstairs, Heidi sat a plate in front of me. It was already stacked up with bacon, as well as scrambled eggs and hash browns—all of my favorites.
“Eat up,” Heidi said.
I looked at the food again. Suddenly the grease turned my stomach. “I don’t know how hungry I am.”
“Take one bite.”
I took a few bites, savoring the taste. Maybe my enjoyment of life could actually come back. A wave of guilt hit me. I wasn’t supposed to enjoy life. Not when Dipshit was gone and I’d driven away my parents.
The steps I’d taken with Heidi last night felt amazing at the time. No, unbelievable. This morning, though, I felt bad in about a million ways.
I was angry with my parents for their outdated views. More than that, I was angry with myself for letting those views control me for so long. I should never have listened to them back in my teens.
There was nothing wrong with loving women, but there was a whole lot wrong with denying myself. The damage I’d done to my spirit over the past ten years was unbelievable.
I set down my fork. “And why did you cook all this for me? You trying to butter me up or something?”
“I would’ve used butter if I was trying to do that,” Heidi said dryly. “I was going to bring this up a little more subtly, but since you asked…” She dropped into the chair across from me, her face suddenly dead serious. “We need to talk about Dipshit.”
My heart clenched. “There’s nothing to say.”
Heidi leaned in, reaching for my hand. I let her cover it with hers, although I didn’t return the squeeze she gave me. “I miss her.”
“She’s gone, and there’s nothing we can do about it. Therefore there’s nothing to talk about.”
Diamond walked over and rubbed her head against my free hand until I scratched behind her ears. Her presence just made me sadder, although I had no intention of admitting it.
Unfortunately, Heidi knew me well enough to read the look on my face. “There’s a lot to say,” she said. “I don’t know what kind of relationship you want to have, but I’m not okay with never talking about our feelings. I need to be able to tell you stuff, and I want to know what’s going on in your mind.”
“You can.”
“Not when you shut me out.” She gazed into my eyes. “You know, after I came off life support in my teens, everything had this sudden clarity. After nearly dying, I had no patience for bullshit anymore. I understood what was important.”
“Are you saying I’m bullshitting?” I looked at the wall, unsure whether I wanted the answer.
“I’m saying you need to let go of the bullshit and just be real with me. And with yourself. Topaz, I miss Dipshit. Don’t you?”
“Fine. I miss that damn puppy. What’s it matter? She’s gone.”
Heidi squeezed my hand harder. “She was an amazing puppy,” she said. “I know how much you adored her. The way she’d wiggle and squeak… and how happy she looked when she was nursing…”
I nodded tightly, just the slightest inclination of my head. Reminiscing about our dead pet felt funny.
Heidi took that as encouragement to go on. “The way she’d wag her little tail…”
I took a deep breath. “Her eyes after they opened. And those tiny paws, and how her claws sounded when she’d try to walk across the tile.”
I half-expected Heidi to mock me for saying that much. Showing my emotions like that was hardly what a real adult did. Never cry. My father didn’t even shed a tear at his own mother’s funeral.
“Yes,” Heidi whispered. “She did so many cute things in the couple of weeks that we had her. She was one amazing puppy.”
Her nose was red. I looked at her in curiosity, really looked at her. Her eyes were filling.
I opened my mouth, feeling like I should excuse myself. I wasn’t supposed to see her tears. This was already embarrassing enough for her—I should do my best to let her salvage a shred of pride.
But when I went to walk away, she gripped my hand even harder. “Don’t go,” she whispered. “I need you here with me.”
It was so strange to me, I almost couldn’t understand what she was saying. She wanted me to see her shame? Surely she’d want to be alone so she could deal with her emotions in private.
Logically, I knew that not everyone was like me… like how my father had raised me to be. But when I saw Heidi actually trying to share her emotions, I just didn’t understand.
“I miss her,” she said, her hands shaking. “She was so young, but it feels like she was already a part of our family.”
What was I supposed to do? If I was going to give Heidi the kind of support that she needed, I had to do something other than what I’d do naturally.
My natural instinct was still to walk away. My mother probably would’ve done the same. I thought of how people in movies might comfort each other, and then I pulled my chair right beside her and wrapped my arms around her neck. That seemed to be exactly what she wanted, because she turned her face and cried into my shoulder.
And to my surprise, I had no urge to retreat from her. Instead of feeling awkward, sorrow bubbled up inside me until I was fighting tears myself. Could it be that there was no shame in opening up? In being vulnerable?
My chest shook, but I wouldn’t let the tears fall. That was still beyond my capabilities. I stroked Heidi’s back, wondering if this could really be helping her. I still felt uncomfortable, but not for the reasons I was expecting. The more she sobbed, the more I wanted to sob.
Her hand found my knee and squeezed it. “Let it out,” she whispered.
Tears were forming under both my eyelids. I bit my lip, trying my hardest to get rid of them. I couldn’t let go the way Heidi was. It wasn’t in me. And what’s more, I didn’t want to. That wasn’t who I was. I was strong. I was tough. Even when I was in pain, I wouldn’t let anyone else know. And I’d never admit to being in pain, not even to myself.
And yet… Heidi sobbed in my arms, and she was as grown up as me.
Accepting my sexuality hadn’t changed what was inside me. It just made me more comfortable with myself. What if showing my emotions was the same?
I let out a breath. “I miss her,” I said, so choked up I didn’t even know if the words came out right. “I miss her!”
“Me too,” Heidi said.
I wondered when I’d last cried. I’d learned early to never do it around my father. Every time I remembered getting emotional in front of my mother, she told me, “It’s okay. You’re fine. Sit up straight and stop your caterwauling.” She never showed me she sympathized, never said she understood.
Heidi and I stayed there for a while, each crying on the othe
r’s shoulder. And when we were all cried out, we looked at each other and actually laughed. I didn’t know what I looked like, but Heidi’s nose was bright red and her eyes were all swollen. She definitely wasn’t an attractive crier. Yet that didn’t diminish her appeal in the slightest.
“We should get cleaned up,” I said.
A mischievous smile came over her face. “Are you saying you want to shower together?”
Oh… That wasn’t what I meant, but the idea was definitely appealing. I grabbed her hand. “Let’s go.”
As we headed upstairs, it felt like a weight had been lifted off my chest. I was still hurting. The pain of our puppy’s death might never leave me.
But in time, with Heidi’s help, maybe I could heal.
TWENTY-TWO—HEIDI
Topaz held up two shirts that looked exactly the same. Both were the same shade of baby blue, both were sleeveless, and both were the same size.
“Which one do you like better?” she asked, giving me a peck on the cheek.
“Um… what’s the difference?”
Topaz rolled her eyes. “This one has lace detailing on the straps, and this one has a crochet neckline. Not to mention how the first is cotton and the second’s polyester.” She said it as if it was obvious.
I looked from one to the other, still not seeing much difference. Instead of choosing either, I snaked my arm between the two of them and pulled Topaz closer to me. Who cared if we were in the middle of a thrift shop? She seemed to be comfortable with my affection, and given how grateful I was to have her, I was in no mood to hold back.
“You’re going to get us arrested for public indecency,” Topaz said.
“Not yet. I haven’t even grabbed your ass.” I did just that, giving it a little squeeze until Topaz yelped.
“Come on, put those back,” I said. “If you’re going to make me over, I should have more input.”
“I’m refreshing your style,” Topaz insisted. But she put the two shirts back and followed me deeper into the shirt section. “What did you want to look for?”
I was beyond happy that we could joke with each other again, even if it was more tentative than before. Our friendship was coming back, and I had a feeling that our relationship would be stronger than ever.
Topaz still seemed kind of sad, to the point where I wondered whether there was more to it than just Dipshit. Any time I mentioned her family, she got this faraway look and refused to speak.
Flipping through the racks, I picked out the most ragged old cardigan I could find. “Is this my style?”
Topaz’s eyes narrowed. “That’s the style we want to get you away from. Come on, pick out something a little more appropriate.”
“All right, all right…” I thought back to the advice she’d given me—empire waist tops, any kind of skirts. I glanced around until I found a knee-length black skirt. I held it up to myself, and Topaz nodded approvingly. “Much better. Now, let’s go find you some straight leg jeans.”
The nice thing about this store was that the employees never bothered you. The racks were arranged by both size and type, so it was easy to find your way around. Plus, the prices were less than half what new clothes cost.
Halfway to the jeans section, Topaz lit up and stopped. “This is the exact type of blazer I’ve been looking for,” she said, stroking a dark brown velvet thing.
“Hey, I thought we were shopping for me.”
“I need to do my weekly thrift store finds, and my blog readers won’t care if I found it while I was shopping for someone else. This is only five bucks. How can I say no?” She looked so happy, almost like she was back to her normal self.
“I love how much you love your job,” I told her. “I can’t believe your parents don’t care that you’re happy.”
Her face hardened. “My parents don’t care about anything when it comes to me.” Her knuckles went white as she gripped the blazer. When she looked at me again, her eyes were flashing. She seemed to calm herself, and her voice was soft as she continued. “I guess I should tell you. I reminded my parents about my sexuality the other day. Right before I found Dipshit. They, well… they didn’t exactly take it well.”
“Fuck,” I said, a little too loud. “Topaz, I’m so sorry. You shouldn’t have to deal with that.” An older woman shot us a dirty look. I put my arm around Topaz, turning her away from the woman, and spoke softer. “Your parents are fucked if they don’t accept you for who you are. I hope you’re not listening to what they have to say.”
I remembered her story about the last time she’d come out to them. Hopefully she was strong enough now to not give in to them again. Otherwise, I could lose the woman I was quickly falling for—and just when we were getting closer.
“Not this time.” She slipped her arms into the blazer and buttoned it, her lips set in a hard line. “I haven’t talked to them since then, and I’m not about to call. I don’t need that in my life. I just need people who’re going to support me for who I am, like you.”
“I’ll do my best to do that. Always.”
She nodded in acknowledgment, but her pain was still clear. “I don’t understand how my parents can be so cold and cruel. They have to know I’ll never be able to feel romantically for a man. That I’ll never know love if I live my life the way they want. And yet they’d rather see me alone than with someone who could make me happy.
“It makes me hate them, and I feel terrible about that. They’re my parents and I’m supposed to love them no matter what. But if they can scorn me for something as basic as the sexuality I was born with, their love isn’t so unconditional either.” Letting out a sigh, she gestured at the blazer. “How’s this look?”
“Perfect.” It hugged her chest and her waist, refining the soft curves of her body. “I have an idea of how you feel. My parents aren’t nearly as bad as yours, but I know they’d be a hell of a lot happier if I wasn’t gay. If it wasn’t for Liana, I might’ve gone crazy during my coming-out years.”
She slipped the blazer off and hung it over her arm, then browsed a new rack. “She must’ve been a kid when you came out.”
“I was seventeen, so she would’ve been fourteen—more than old enough to understand. My parents insisted I bring home my girlfriend at the time home for dinner, but I guess they didn’t think it through. Once they saw her, they got all quiet and chilly, like she’d only then become real to them. Liana was the real hostess that night, asking questions, telling stories, making sure my ex felt welcome.”
Topaz fiddled with the button of a shirt.
I continued quietly, conscious that I’d never verbalized these thoughts before. “If I hadn’t had that near-death experience, I don’t know if my parents would’ve tried so hard to accept me. And the fact that they still couldn’t quite get there, well… it hurts.”
I gave her a sad smile, and she leaned in and pecked me on the lips. Now she was the one comforting me when I’d started out trying to comfort her.
Some dark gray fabric on a hanger caught my eye. “Hey, there’s another blazer you might like,” I said, pointing.
She shook her head after the briefest glance. “Way too big for me, but nice try. That’s sweet of you.”
We moved on, and she pulled a couple more things off the racks for me. Blazers, skirts, empire-waist tops—she was picking me out a whole new wardrobe. I doubted most of the clothes were my taste, but I’d try them on for her sake. Maybe I’d be pleasantly surprised.
Topaz definitely had a way with clothes. I doubted I’d ever become a fashionista, but improving my style might be a side benefit of dating her. I wasn’t going to complain.
Grabbing my hand, she led me to the denim section. “What size jeans did you say you wear? Six?”
“Eight.”
“I doubt that.” Shifting the pile of clothes in her arms to one side, she measured with her hands. My skin tingled at the touch. “Let’s try a six. Hold these for me, please.”
She started in on the jeans, pulling out one p
air and throwing it over her arm, examining another and putting it back in disappointment. By the time she was done, she must have had eight or ten pairs of pants loading her down.
“Something else I was going to tell you,” she said as she directed me toward the fitting rooms. I couldn’t read from her tone whether it was happy or sad, and when she looked up at me, her expression was similarly confusing. “My old roommate has a friend who might be interested in a puppy.”
That one felt like a punch to the gut. I put my arm over my stomach, steadying myself. I knew those puppies would have to go eventually, but I wasn’t ready to give any of them up. Not after losing one already.
“I know we’d both like to keep all of them, but…”
I shook my head. “You don’t have to convince me. I know they need forever homes. This is the reality of being a foster parent. It really sucks, but it is what it is.”
“It’s going to be so hard,” Topaz said.
I could hardly imagine the house without the puppies wobbling around, barking their little barks and begging to be played with. They were such amazing creatures, and they made me so happy when they were around. I’d fostered lots of dogs before, but never like this. This was a special litter from a special mother. And the woman I was raising them with was incredibly special, too.
Soon this was going to be my longest relationship, even if we hadn’t officially put that label on it. With every day that passed, I got more confident that she’d still be with me tomorrow, and the day after that. I found it harder and harder to imagine myself without her.
There were a few people waiting for the fitting rooms. We joined the line, taking a step forward when one person came out. When it came to my turn, the salesperson gave me the side-eye for how much stuff I was taking in with me, but didn’t say anything.
I went in alone and tried on one shirt, then another. These weren’t what I would have chosen for myself… and maybe that was a good thing. They flattered me in a way I wasn’t used to, making me look at myself differently.
Keep Her Forever Page 13
