The Tao of Pam: Pam of Babylon Book # 6

by Suzanne Jenkins

  Pam smiled at him. “You’re avoiding me.”

  “Yeah, probably. We can talk when we’re on the beach, okay? Right now I feel like the walls are closing in on me.”

  She decided to go with the flow. If her son wanted to spend the day relaxing with her, how could she say no? There’d be plenty of time later to face reality.

  Lisa pulled into the garage, breathing a sigh of relief. Ed’s car was there. She hoped he was okay in the house. Baby Megan had fallen asleep, and Lisa got her out of the car seat without waking her up. Opening the kitchen door, she braced herself for the carnage of a suicide, but it was empty. She quietly went up the daunting staircase, holding on to Megan. At the top of the stairs, she listened carefully and didn’t hear anything. It was safe to move forward. Megan’s room was on the other side of the master suite, and she averted her head as she walked by, just in case. She wanted the baby in her crib, safe, with the door closed, before making any gruesome discoveries.

  After putting Megan down, Lisa crept back out into the hallway. She paused at the open door to the master bedroom, and frightened, looked in. She saw the mound of a body in the bed, and carefully observed it from the doorway for signs of life. The sheet barely moved with each breath he took, but he was breathing. Sighing, she tiptoed in closer to the bed. Ed was lying under the sheet, fully dressed. She saw his plaid shirt collar, wrinkled, and the stubble of his beard. It was so Ed. Standing at the side of the bed, she could smell him, unwashed, rank. He must have felt her standing there because he opened his eyes and looked at her.

  “Rise and shine,” she said. “You’re missing a work day.”

  “I called out,” he answered, groggy. “In case the police came to get me. It would be so embarrassing.”

  “Get up and take a shower. I’ll make you some coffee,” she said. “And be quiet because the baby is sleeping.” He did as she said, pulling the covers back and getting out of bed. She was relieved he had his pants on.

  She was at the counter, drinking coffee, when he came down fifteen minutes later. She pushed a mug of coffee toward him. “I’m making you toast,” she said.

  He drank some of the coffee gratefully. “Sorry about all this, Lisa. Sorry I left you hanging with my parents and all.”

  “Were you here all the time?”

  He shook his head. “No, I drove to Shipbottom. I wanted to see if the boat was there.”

  “So was it?” Lisa asked. He was referring to the sailboat they’d spent that idyllic week on, losing their virginity. She sighed when he shook his head. “You drove all the way to Long Beach Island on a holiday for nothing.”

  “Yep, I guess I did,” he said. “I don’t know why I went there in the first place. I thought about driving to the monastery, but then came to my senses.”

  Lisa laughed. “Thank God,” she said. “Why would you torture yourself?”

  “It wasn’t torture at all,” he said. She watched him, hopeful he’d keep talking. “It was a safe place.”

  “Why’d you leave it, then?” she asked softly.

  “I guess I didn’t feel the need to hide anymore,” he said. “I went into the priesthood to avoid being in the world. I think I know what I was running from now. I think I was so depressed that I couldn’t function. Everyone was asking something of me, and I couldn’t deliver.”

  Lisa realized how gentle Ed was when she met him, but now she thought it transcended gentleness. He was delicate, made of delicate stuff. He reverted to childlike behavior when he was overwhelmed.

  “Can I be honest with you?” she asked.

  He nodded his head. “I’m almost afraid to hear what you have to say.”

  “Don’t be,” she said. “I guess I’m concerned because I don’t know what to do next.” It was the watered-down version she was handing him. She couldn’t imagine spending the rest of her life with someone who was not functioning. She didn’t want to be the head of the family, making excuses to her children, or worse, acknowledging that she was married to a mentally ill man. And she quickly changed that to making excuses to her child, because she knew they were never having another child together.

  Her wedding vows went through her head. Ed hadn’t really done anything to her but hide his true self. Was that grounds for divorce? She didn’t think so. And she really wanted him to get better. “I think I just came up with the answer to our problem.”

  “What?” he asked.

  “We’ll get you help.”

  He grimaced and pouted. “I don’t want help,” he said. His entire posture was childish, and she wanted to slap his face, but withheld it. She watched him holding back, clenching and unclenching his fists, almost stamping his feet. “What good will getting help do? I don’t want to talk about myself to strangers.”

  “I’m not giving you a choice, Ed. If you want to stay married to me, you’ll get help. Not only that, it would look really bad if I left you right before an arrest warrant was issued. You have court coming up, don’t you?”

  “I didn’t kill anyone,” he shouted. “I was sitting in the car, minding my own business.”

  “In my mother’s car, with your dick in your hand,” Lisa yelled back. “Face facts, Ed. You’re screwed. If you want my support, you’ll get help.” She couldn’t believe it, but her sweet Ed stamped his foot. And boo hoo’d.

  “It’s not fair,” he wailed.

  Lisa looked on, appalled. Her beloved Ed was reverting to a child. She tried to picture him as he was the first day they’d met, when his brother Ryan was trying to ditch her after she’d paid his way back to New York from Hawaii. Ed came to her rescue, and within hours, they’d fallen in love. She was too stupid to see the danger signs then, but now, looking back, it was clear there was something not quite right.

  Chapter 16

  Wednesday morning, Lisa arrived at the beach to pick up Pam before seven, dressed to cook breakfast. Baby Megan would enjoy the day being passed from person to person, while her mother worked. It would be a day neither woman would forget.

  Dan called her Tuesday afternoon with the news that his sisters had acquiesced. Agnes was sorry she’d betrayed Dan’s confidence, and Catherine wasn’t sorry about anything, but was thrilled after all, that someone else would be coming in to cook.

  “What do you expect from me?” Catherine had asked. “I hear from my sister, who’s a nurse that your girlfriend has AIDS, and now she’s announcing she wants to fix breakfast in my kitchen.”

  “It’s not your kitchen,” Dan said firmly. “It belongs to me, too. And my girlfriend wants to cook. So neither you nor Aggie are going to get in the way.”

  “Don’t expect me to help her,” Catherine replied.

  “I don’t,” Dan said. He was secretly worried; who’d show Pam the ropes? Agnes finally stepped up.

  “I’ll take the morning off and show her myself,” she said.

  Lisa and Pam drove to the farm, surprised at how far away it was. “Where is this place, anyway?” Pam complained.

  Dan was waiting for them. He didn’t try to kiss Pam when she got out of the car, sensing she wouldn’t appreciate it; she wouldn’t have allowed it anyway.

  “I’m glad we got an early start,” Lisa said. “We even beat rush hour.”

  Dan smiled at her. “Well, you’re right on time. We eat at nine, so you have an hour to get ready.”

  They followed Dan into the dining hall and back to the kitchen. Agnes was waiting in her nurse’s uniform. It was obvious to Pam that she was nervous and regretful about telling Catherine the secret, but she never mentioned it or apologized. She would barely make eye contact when she talked. Taking them through the steps, she explained how over the weekend they prepared casseroles and egg dishes that they froze, and then they’d be ahead in the morning.

  “I’d enjoy doing that,” Pam said.

  We’ll see, Agnes thought.

  She and Dan took turns pushing Megan around the dining hall while Pam and Lisa worked. At nine, Dan rang the bell, and the workers stre
amed in, sitting down on benches that lined up alongside the tables. Lisa poured orange juice and coffee, talking comfortably to the diners.

  “Lisa is really taking to this,” Dan said admiringly.

  Pam smiled, watching her daughter go from table to table, poised and confident. “I’m glad she wanted to come. She really needs something to get her out of the house, and this might be just the thing.”

  “Are you going to be able to forgive me?” Dan said, whispering.

  Replacing her smile with a frown, she looked up at him. “Yes, but our relationship is going to change. We can be friends only,” she replied, knowing how old fashioned it sounded, but she meant it. She was never, ever exposing herself to him or any other man again.

  “So you haven’t forgiven me,” he said.

  “No, I really have. I just don’t care anymore. That’s what your betrayal did for me. I hope the whole damn world knows I’m infected with AIDS.” She turned from him to hide the expression on her face. She didn’t want to give him the power to know how badly she hurt. “Do you want coffee?”

  “No, I guess I don’t.” He turned from her and walked away, grabbing a pitcher of ice water. He’d help pour and then head back to work. Lisa wanted to speak to him, first.

  “My mother said I should keep out of it, but I need to talk to you about Ed.” She was looking him right in the eye, not wavering. He’d never noticed Lisa being anything but a spoiled, rich girl. Today, she was a woman, fighting for her husband. It was intense. He wanted to go to Pam and say something, but remembered it was privileged information. He had to keep her confidence.

  “The more you know, the more you can help your husband,” Dan said. He dug in his jeans pocket and pulled out a card. “Call me when you can this afternoon. I’ll be in my office around three.”

  “He never went back to work.”

  “Well, that’s a mistake. I’ll call him now. He needs to get back to school right away,” Dan said. “See, that is the kind of information I need so I can help you both.” He saluted her with his hand to his eye, and she laughed at him. Dan was a good guy.

  Brent woke up long after Pam and Lisa left for the farm. He walked into the kitchen in his underpants and got a quart of orange juice out of the refrigerator. Standing with the door open, he drank from the container, dribbling down his chest and onto the floor. He put the juice back in the fridge and didn’t bother cleaning up the floor, tracking juice back to his bedroom. His phone needed charging, and he had to call work; he was due back that day, but had decided he wasn’t going to return. It was only seven in the morning in California. He had a few hours to think of what to say to his boss.

  He’d pay to have his house packed up and put on the market, because he wasn’t leaving Babylon again. His father had made allowances in case he wanted to join Lang, Smith and Romney. There was no time limit on when he could start, and he decided he’d start the following Monday. He took his mother’s house phone out of the charger and picked up her address book. Sandra’s work phone was next to an old Manhattan number that she’d crossed out. There was a new Brooklyn exchange next to the office number. He keyed in the office number first.

  “Sandra Benson,” she said.

  “Sandra, it’s Brent Smith.”

  “Oh, Brent, how nice to hear from you,” she replied, clueless to why he was calling her. Then, thinking something might have happened to Pam, she quickly asked, “Is everything okay?”

  “Yes, it’s fine. I’m actually calling to tell you I’ve decided I want to come to work. I’d be ready to start Monday.”

  Sandra was shocked. Brent coming to work there was not in her game plan. Stay calm.

  “Okay,” she said, measuring her words. “We’ll get together this week with Peter and put something in motion.” That was about as noncommittal as she could be.

  He couldn’t think of anything else to say, so he thanked her, said he’d look forward to hearing back, and hung up. Throwing the phone on the bed, he walked into the bathroom, going to the sink. He looked in the mirror, at the dark circles under his eyes and his greasy hair. He was a mess. Thinking of his dad and the persona he presented to the world, he would do better. It was time for a shower. But first he’d log on to his favorite porn site for a little indulgent self-abuse.

  After Sandra hung up the phone, she felt temporarily paralyzed. First seeing Jack’s name on the caller ID, she thought it was Pam calling. But it was a man, and Brent sounded like a younger version of Jack. Hearing his voice threw her off guard. As it was with Pam, no one would ever replace Jack. She had Tom Adams, and he was a great guy and a wonderful father to Miranda, but he couldn’t fill the void losing Jack had made. It was impossible.

  She wondered what would have prompted Brent to change his mind about working at the firm after all this time. He gave no indication when she saw him on Monday that he was even remotely interested in joining. Monday was just wild; there was no other way to describe it. Pam was so preoccupied, and then when Sandra tried to corner her about it, she gave her the rundown of what had happened with Dan. There was no time to talk, and they promised to get in touch during the week. Looking at the clock, she saw it was almost lunch; she’d call Pam’s cell and see if she could shed any light on it.

  “It’s me,” Sandra said. “Are you busy?”

  Pam explained how Dan had garnered an apology from the sisters and that she and Lisa were just leaving the farm after a successful breakfast adventure.

  “It was really satisfying,” Pam said.

  Lisa looked at her out of the corner of her eye like her mother was nuts.

  “Well, whatever,” Sandra said, also not understanding why anyone would choose to serve breakfast to fifty farm workers. “Anyway, I’m glad you’re satisfied. It sounds awful to me.”

  Pam laughed. “Yes, well, you know I needed something to do. I think I found it. I’m sorry about Monday, too. That’s the last picnic. You should think about coming out for the weekend.”

  “Okay, I’ll talk to Tom tonight. But the reason I’m calling is because of Brent.” Sandra explained the odd phone call she’d received.

  “I have no idea what’s going on,” Pam said. “He never said a thing to me. I’ll call you if I find out anything.” They talked for a while longer and then said goodbye.

  Pam turned to Lisa. “Did your brother say anything about working at Dad’s place?”

  Lisa frowned. “Not a word. Frankly, I’m a little pissed off that I get the volunteer farmhand kitchen job and Brent gets the six-figure cushy job.”

  Pam burst out laughing. “Lisa, I’m truly shocked,” she said. “You know you can have anything you want. Why in heaven’s name would you want to commute into the city every day?”

  “Yeah, I guess I don’t, really. Besides, what would I do with Megan all day? Gladys would just love to spend the week with me in Smithtown, but then I’d have to kill myself.”

  Pam chuckled. “You don’t know how lucky you are. I had Bubby for a mother-in-law, remember. And Noni for a mother.”

  Lisa started to laugh. “Yes, I know I’m lucky.” She pulled into the driveway of the beach house. “Mom, I think I’ll head back to Smithtown, if you don’t mind.” Megan was starting to fuss, and she wanted to get her home, fed and down for a nap. And she wanted to call Dan, too. She didn’t tell Pam about their chat because it seemed unkind to rub her mother’s face in the fact that Dan wanted her to stay involved in Ed’s case against Pam’s advice.

  “Okay, dear. Thank you for coming today. See you bright and early again tomorrow?”

  Lisa smiled and nodded her head. “Bright and early.” She pulled out of the driveway and turned around for home. When she got there, Ed’s car was gone; he must have taken Dan’s advice and hightailed it to work.

  Megan went right down for a nap after lunch, and Lisa got into the shower to wash the grease from frying pork products off her body. She had a towel wrapped around her head and her robe on and was making tea when she heard a tap on the
front door. Peeking out the kitchen window, she was surprised to see a new Porsche in the driveway. It was Dan.

  “Come on in,” she said. “Sorry about my appearance.” They’d seen each other in pajamas and eveningwear, bathing suits and blue jeans. It wasn’t a big deal.

  “I was on my way from the farm, and I started thinking about you and Ed and what our strategy should be. Do you know if he’s still thinking of working with me this summer?”

  Lisa thought about what he was saying, talking about Ed like he was a normal man who could make decisions and carry out plans.

  “Dan, all I can think about right now is getting him into some kind of therapy. He’s not right in the head. I hate to call it mental illness, but he’s got some kind of social disorder that he’s had all of his life, ignored and left untreated. His father said he always knew there was something majorly wrong with him, but that Mrs. Ford denied it and hoped going into the priesthood would shelter him.”

  Dan nodded his head. “I wondered what the priesthood thing was about. Why’d he leave?”

  “He admitted to me that he felt like he didn’t need to hide anymore. I wonder how much of it was predestined so we could be together to ruin my life. Only now, I’m not sure I want to be with him. I don’t want to be a mother to my husband, and he needs someone strong and supportive. I want a husband who loves me and makes love to me. Not a little boy.”

  Dan took her hand. “Don’t give up on him,” he said. “It’s clear you love each other. We just need to get him the right help.” He stood up to leave. “I’ll call him daily until we get this sorted out. I’m hoping they’ll drop the charges and he’ll come to the office this summer. I need the help.”

  Neither of them mentioned Pam. Lisa felt sorry for her mother, but understood why she ended the relationship with Dan. He was too young for her. Walking Dan to the door, they’d fallen into an easy camaraderie; she felt like he was an older brother. Now that he knew all her personal business, it was even more familiar.