Somewhere to Belong

by Caitlin Ricci

  “Do you want me to stop?” I went still on top of him.

  Grayson moved his hand from my arm, up my neck, to cup my cheek. “No. I want you. I just wish we didn’t have limits on our friendship to the point where there wasn’t one. Your bruise looks like someone really tried to hurt you, and it makes me worried about you. We’re not friends, by your choice, but if you ever did need something, I would help you out.”

  I shook off his hand and didn’t know what else to do. I didn’t want to be friends because I didn’t want to lose him. I didn’t want to fall for him because I didn’t want him to see me clingy and needy like I always was when I got into a relationship. But sometimes dealing with Brent made me feel like parts of me were being chipped away. It had only been a bit over a month, but I already felt as if I didn’t know how much more of this I could handle. He was just so demanding and impossible, and he treated me like crap all the time and—

  Grayson grabbed me and turned me over so that he was on top of me. I pulled my knees up to my chest and waited for him to pound into me like he usually did when he was in this position. I hadn’t gotten to come this time, but I was used to not getting to when I was with people now. I didn’t expect it from Brent, and maybe Grayson had just gotten tired of me doing nothing, and he decided to take over for the evening. That would make sense to me.

  “I won’t ask you what’s going on, Eli. I know, as someone who isn’t your friend, it’s not my business. But I don’t want you to be hurting either. So why don’t you tell me what you need from me tonight?” He kissed my neck, and I closed my eyes. I was dirty and tainted from what I’d agreed to with Brent, and I didn’t deserve the kindness of this stranger right now.

  I licked my lips and started to talk, even though I still had my eyes closed. “Will you be gentle with me tonight?” I’d come there and agreed to meet with him. I had no right to ask him to change what he wanted just for me. But I really needed slow and soft right then. Another round of the kind of sex Brent liked and I felt like I might break apart. Grayson liked things rough too, but not like Brent did. He wasn’t an asshole like Brent, and he didn’t make me feel dirty afterward either.

  He kissed my lips. “Sure. I’ve been wanting to make love to you for a while now.”

  I didn’t even know what making love meant, but apparently to Grayson it meant that he’d go slow enough that I felt every thick inch of him as he stroked into me. It meant his hair would rub against my smooth skin and that he would softly kiss me every second he could. He touched me all over, and he was gentle every single time. When he spoke it was only to say my name or to tell me how good I felt under him or to say that I was beautiful. He grunted and gasped as he lost his words, and yet, before he came, he wrapped his hand around my cock and stroked me until I found my own orgasm. Only then did he come.

  This time when he was done, he didn’t simply roll off of me. He moved away from me, sure, but it was only to toss the condom in the trash, then move me on my side so that he could come up behind me. He didn’t try to put his dick in me again or mess with me at all while he had me there. Instead he just wrapped his arm around me and slid his other under my head to give me a bit more of a pillow.

  I was frozen there. I didn’t do this with anyone. Not since I’d tried and been turned down so harshly. I didn’t even like thinking about my first time because to him I’d been just another screw, and to me I’d practically been in love with him because I’d been naive and stupid and thought a few messages on a damn hookup app somehow made us in a relationship. He’d been nice to me up until I’d wanted to see him again. And I’d wanted to lie just like this with him too. Being with Grayson like that made me think of my first guy. He hadn’t even known he’d been my first. And Trent had been such a fucking ass about it too. Not returning my messages at all.

  “Do you want to talk about it?” Grayson asked me.

  “About what?”

  He tightened his arm around me, pulling me in even closer against him to the point where I was surprised he was even able to breathe. “I’d like to know why you were so upset. But I also don’t want you to shut me out again. So I’ll leave that up to you.”

  I closed my eyes and tried to decide what to do as he let his fingers roam over my stomach. I didn’t have a good answer, though. “I made a mistake, and now I’m kind of trapped doing something I really don’t want to do. But I felt like I didn’t have a choice at the time.”

  “And now you do?”

  I wish I did. I would love to tell Brent to fuck off the next time he texted me to come over. But no, I didn’t get to do that. I couldn’t even really think about it because every time I did, I ended up just getting angry at him and even more so at myself for being so stupid. I could have worked less and taken a second job instead of accepting his deal. I could still do that. But the damage to my pride was already done. And part of me didn’t even care anymore.

  “Not really,” I quietly admitted.

  He moved his hand from my stomach up to my chest, and I lay there limp beside him as I became more and more miserable.

  “Tell me what I can do to help.”

  I shook my head and looked over at the open blinds. The sheer curtains were still drawn, and the bright lights of our own little mountain version of Las Vegas flickered beyond them.

  “Little hard to tell you how to help me when I don’t even want to tell you the problem.”

  I needed to go. Staying there in his arms would just make me more miserable than I already was. I started sliding away from him, and he let me go a little more easily than I would have liked. I wanted to argue with him about how I couldn’t stay and how we weren’t friends. But he didn’t say anything as I climbed off the bed and got dressed. Once I did look back at him, I wished I hadn’t. There was so much pity in his eyes. I instantly looked away.

  “Do I get to see you again?” he asked.

  I shrugged. I didn’t know right now. This was all such a mess. “Do you think you want to?”

  I heard him get off the bed, but I didn’t turn back to look at him. He came up behind me and hugged me tightly. I felt like a little more of me was chipping away. “I do. You’re my favorite part of being in Colorado.”

  I shouldn’t have smiled at such a sentimental thing to say. But I did. “Thank you,” I whispered.

  He kissed the back of my head and let me go. I headed home a few minutes later.

  Chapter Six

  Grayson

  WHATEVER WAS bothering Eli also got to me over the next two weeks I spent in Miami. I was in the middle of sun-scorched beaches and men who thought a bit of string and spandex constituted a bathing suit. I should have been in heaven. Instead I couldn’t stop thinking about Eli and the sadness that he’d worn like a second skin the last time I’d seen him. For months he’d been so full of life and so easy to smile. Then, somewhere, something had gone wrong. I couldn’t shake these thoughts of him while I worked or had someone else in my bed. I didn’t say Eli’s name while I was with them, thankfully, but it was a close thing.

  By the time I got back to Colorado, I was ready to get some answers out of him, as long as he was willing to give them to me. I messaged him as soon as I was off the plane. I’m back in Colorado. Can I see you tonight?

  He replied back within ten minutes. Wish I could. But I’m busy.

  I should have left it alone, but I didn’t. I should have kept my mouth shut. But after two weeks of obsessing over him, I needed answers. Busy with the person who bruised your arm? I asked him. I didn’t expect an answer, but I got one anyway. And it was almost immediate.

  Yes. Sucks. See you tomorrow?

  I wanted to tell him to blow this guy off, to tell him not to go through with whatever he was doing that was so terrible. But I was afraid of saying anything because I didn’t want him to run again. I’d lost him once by trying to get close to him, and I was determined not to do that again. Not to either of us. So I held back what I wanted to say and instead just sent him a message
saying, Sure. I reserved a room at a hotel, sent him the address, and told him to come over whenever.

  I didn’t have any plans. I rarely did once I was off work. That was the beauty of not having to work while I was in Colorado. Usually. Evaline Green wanted to do a phone follow-up when I had a chance, so I’d likely do that in the morning, but otherwise I was free to go to my favorite restaurants and meet up with my friends.

  That night I met with my closest friend at a restaurant a few blocks away from his condo in downtown Denver. He lived on the twentieth floor and faced the city. Nigel Coleman was two years older than me, which put him right at fifty, and his heritage was a mix of black, Mexican, and Native American. I’d thought he was attractive, once, but not anymore. Too many cigars had tainted my desire for him as anything more than my friend.

  We shook hands as we met in front of Singing Blackbird, a brand-new restaurant the local magazines had apparently given rave reviews. Getting a table was supposed to be hard to do, but Nigel knew people. He greased palms and offered smiles where needed. Otherwise he was perfectly fine looking down at everyone else around him, all in their perfect little places. As long as they were beneath him.

  “I see you’re still on that phone app,” Nigel said as we were seated.

  I’d seen the menu online. I already knew I was going to be having the roasted duck breast with a glass of merlot. “I am. I still enjoy male company whenever I can get it.”

  “As long as you’re protecting yourself.”

  I smiled at him and was glad when a waiter came over to take my drink order. I adored Nigel, most of the time, but he was much easier to deal with after I’d had a glass of wine. Or two. Especially when he decided to get self-righteous with anything that had to do with my life.

  “I am. And I’ve been seeing someone from the app regularly. His name is Eli.”

  Our drinks came, and Nigel sipped his wine, as did I. “What does he do for work?”

  “He works with animals.”

  That got his nod of approval. “A veterinarian. Well, at least he does something with his life, unlike most of the world.”

  I didn’t correct Nigel’s assumption. He would never need to meet Eli, so there was no reason to begin an argument. But then I realized there was no reason not to tell Nigel just who Eli was anyway. They would never be meeting, but what did I care what Nigel thought of someone I was regularly having sex with? The easy answer was I didn’t.

  “Actually, he works at a horse rescue. He’s sort of an everything man, from what I can tell. And according to his boss, he does his job well.”

  Nigel scoffed and lifted his chin a little higher. “Typical. Just once I’d like to see you spending time with someone who deserves you instead of these bits of rough that you like to play with.”

  I laughed and nearly snorted my wine in the process. I had to put it down before I spilled it over the white linen tablecloth. “Nigel, I’m having sex with him, not marrying him. You can relax. How is your sex life going?”

  “Same old same old, I guess. When I find a man worth spending time with, then I do so.”

  I thought his bed must be pretty cold, then, since so few people qualified. But I didn’t say that. “Sounds lovely.”

  “What are you doing tonight?”

  It had been a long time since he’d given me such a blatant invitation. And I really wasn’t interested in taking him up on his offer either. “I’ve got plans.”

  “The horse boy?” Nigel guessed incorrectly.

  I just smiled at him. I wished I was meeting up with Eli tonight, but that wasn’t going to be happening until tomorrow night. I did worry about him, though. If Nigel was a police officer, or anything even remotely helpful for me, I might have asked his opinion of what Eli was going through, from what little I knew. But Nigel was an investment banker. He was good with money, but not much else. And he liked to buy antiques. His condo was filled with them. He knew a good deal about each of them too, and if we were in his condo now, I was sure I would get an earful about some small fragment of pottery from a civilization thousands of years old.

  We spent a few hours there, but by my third glass of wine, I was glad to go home. Until I actually got through my front door. My house was big and in the mountains. Every room had a decent view. It should not have felt as cold and uninviting as it did. But as soon as I entered, I had to force myself to stay and not turn right back around and go book a hotel room. I could have afforded it, and I’d chosen to stay in hotels instead of in the house before, but it seemed like a ridiculous thing to do when I had a house there just standing empty for me. When I wanted to use it.

  The next afternoon I ignored the fact that I had reservations at a hotel and sent Eli my home address. I’d debated doing it for a long time, but in the end I decided I wanted him there. I hadn’t brought anyone to my home before, but I was tired of having Eli in hotels, and the last time I’d been with him had sealed the deal for me. I didn’t care about anyone else I was with except for him. And I couldn’t get his look of sadness out of my mind.

  That’s the address to your house. Isn’t it? Eli messaged me only seconds after I’d sent it to him.

  Yes. No use trying to play games with him when I wanted him there with me as soon as he could possibly manage to get up to Thornwood.

  He waited nearly twenty minutes to message me again. Okay. I’ll be there soon.

  I could hardly contain my surprise. Or my excitement. Great. I’m looking forward to seeing you again.

  Me too. His last message made me smile down at my phone, and I decided that I needed to walk over to the only grocery store in town to get us a bottle of red wine and the nicest box of chocolates Thornwood had to offer, which still wasn’t all that great. I felt like pampering him to reward him for agreeing to come up to my house.

  There was a sign in the window of the diner that said they had fresh chocolate chip cookies, so I stopped there and picked up four. I wasn’t into milk and cookies anymore, not since my teens, but a few to snack on wouldn’t go amiss, I didn’t think.

  When I opened my front door for Eli a short time later, I handed him a glass of wine, and by his look of apprehension when he sniffed it, I realized he either didn’t drink, or really didn’t like wine. Maybe he was more of a beer person. I supposed that I should have asked him instead of simply assuming he would enjoy the same vintage I did.

  “Thank you for coming over,” I said as I closed the door behind him.

  “I haven’t been to a guy’s house before from the app. Or at all actually. If you were running out of money for expensive hotel rooms, we could have screwed in the back of a car. I’ve done that plenty of times, and I don’t mind.”

  I hated the thought of him being treated that casually, or of expecting me to do the same to him. “I haven’t had sex in a car since I was seventeen, and I’m not about to start again now. The reason I asked you to come here tonight, though, was because I wanted to spend time with you, beyond having sex with you.”

  He eyed me cautiously. “Why?”

  I laughed without meaning to and led him over to my couch so that we were no longer standing in front of my door. “Because I like spending time with you.”

  He looked at me as if I wasn’t making any sense. “Usually all we ever do is screw.” He sipped his wine.

  I crossed one leg over my knee and tried to think of a decent response that would explain to him that I enjoyed those moments where I’d held him very much. But he kept playing with the collar of his turtleneck as if it was annoying him. It wasn’t cold enough out to require him to wear one, so I reached over and pulled his collar down, both dreading and expecting what I was sure I was going to see there. When I caught sight of the three dark bruises over his throat, I sighed and released him. I found Eli looking at me as I leaned back against my couch and stared into my glass of wine.

  “Say something,” he urged me.

  “Is he your boyfriend?” That was the only thing I could think of to ask him.<
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  But Eli just chuckled and put his glass of wine down on the coffee table. I was so upset that I didn’t even reach for a coaster to protect the dark wood. “I don’t have one of those. I never have.”

  I was so surprised by his revelation that I was momentarily distracted from his bruises. “But you must have dated someone at some point in your life.” I fully understood, and embraced, sex for pleasure without the attachment and complication of a relationship. But I’d still dated men, especially when I was younger and thought there was a chance of finding that special person my friends all insisted was out there for me. I’d grown up and given up that impossible idea of a soul mate long ago, but Eli was far too young to have come to that same conclusion so soon.

  Eli pulled one of his legs under him, the other he brought up to his chin. “No, I haven’t. I’m sure you think it’s weird, but as soon as I was out of my parents’ house, and therefore able to be myself and date who I wanted to, which was every cute guy I could find, I was on the app, and that’s not for dating.”

  I didn’t know what to say. I could connect the dots, and I assumed I knew what he was saying. But I didn’t want to think of a young, or at least younger since he was hardly old by anyone’s standards, Eli losing his virginity to someone on Hot Guy Hook Ups. I knew how I’d treated him and how most people probably treated each other on the app. It was for anonymous sex at a moment’s notice, not for dating and definitely not for falling in love.

  “Did you put so little value on your virginity?” I asked.

  He looked away from me, but only long enough to pick up his glass of wine and take a sip of it. He made a face, like he really didn’t like the taste of it, then put it back down. “I didn’t, but I was too nervous, and I forgot to get his name, and after it was done, I tried texting him, and he refused to respond. I learned pretty quickly what kind of value guys put on each other within the app. And, judging from the times I’ve been to the clubs in Denver, things aren’t that much different out in the world either.”