Indulgence

by Liz Crowe

  “Are you okay?” I asked, assessing her to see if she’d done much damage.

  Her eyes came to mine and while I saw a small amount of pain there, she smiled. “I’m a silly old fool,” she said softly, “I’m always falling over these days but I haven’t hurt myself. If you could just help me up, I’ll keep going.”

  She raised her arms and I placed my hands under her shoulders and helped her up. A little unsteady on her feet to start with, she regained her balance, but I kept hold of her until I could verify she wouldn’t fall again.

  “Can you stand on your own now?” I asked, watching her intently to make sure she could.

  Nodding, she said, “Yes, I’ll be fine. Thank you for your help. It’s hard to find good people like you these days.”

  I ignored her incorrect assumption about me being good and slowly let her go. When I could see she was all right on her own, I asked, “Where’s your car?”

  She gave me a smile. “I can manage on my own.”

  I shook my head and reached for her elbow to help guide her. “No, I want to make sure you get there without falling again.”

  “Thank you. Even my own son doesn’t look out for me like this,” she murmured as we began walking.

  The journey to her car took some time because she couldn’t walk very fast, but that was okay with me. I was just glad when we got there and she hadn’t fallen. Once I had her settled in the car, I shut her door and stepped back. She smiled and gave me a wave as she drove off. I stood lost in my thoughts while I watched her go, and didn’t hear the approaching footsteps on the gravel.

  “Kick?”

  I spun around.

  Evie.

  “What are you doing here?” she asked before I said anything.

  “I really don’t know.” In that moment, I felt lost. Suddenly, and out of nowhere, I felt alone in this world, like I had no one in my corner.

  Fuck, what the hell is wrong with me?

  She frowned. “Are you okay?”

  I scrubbed my face and blinked my eyes a couple of times. “Yeah, I don’t know what the fuck it is, but I’m okay.”

  The hardness she tended to look at me with these days eased a little and she said, “It’s Jeremy’s death, I’d say. I feel the same way.”

  I didn’t say anything, just stood and watched her. Fuck, I could watch her forever and never grow tired. She seemed so vulnerable at the moment, though, and I wanted to wrap her in my arms, but I knew that would be a bad move so I kept my arms by my side and stayed silent.

  Her body relaxed and she raked her fingers through her long hair. “Why did you two have that falling out years ago?”

  She caught me off guard. I hadn’t been expecting that. My body stiffened and I blew out a long breath. “It’s a long story, Evie, and there’s no point rehashing it. What’s done is done, and Jeremy’s gone so I can’t fuckin’ fix it now.”

  “I feel like whatever happened between you two had something to do with me, and I hate that. I hate thinking that I came between you guys.”

  Fuck.

  I hated the tinge of sadness I could hear in her voice, and the way her body slumped.

  “It wasn’t your fault. We were just stubborn assholes and couldn’t see past a disagreement. It was a fuckin’ waste of a good friendship and if I could go back and change it, I would. Instead, I have to live with it now. Live with the fact I fucked up.”

  She shifted on her feet and slung her handbag over her shoulder. “Okay, I can respect that, and I’m glad it wasn’t because of me.” She took a step away from me and added, “I’ll catch you, Kick. I’m gonna go visit Shelly now.”

  I’ll catch you, Kick.

  Those fucking words warmed my heart.

  “See you, baby.”

  She blessed me with one last smile and then headed towards Shelly’s grave.

  Fuck, that shit with Jeremy would haunt me for the rest of my life.

  *****

  Kick

  30 years old – 5 years ago

  “What the fuck are you doing, asshole?” Jeremy’s thunderous voice echoed around the room. He’d just barged into my house and we stood glaring at each other in my living room. I knew why he was here.

  Evie.

  She and I had just gotten back together, so of course he was in my face.

  He loved her as much as I did.

  I glared at him. “I’m fucking the woman I love, and, one day, I’m gonna make her my wife. I walked away from her once and I’m not gonna let anything or anyone come between us again. I’m not gonna let you come between us again.”

  His fist connected with my jaw a moment later, and I stumbled back, caught by surprise. Jeremy and I had never had a physical fight before. I held my jaw as he roared, “How the fuck can you talk about Evie like that?”

  “Like what?”

  “I asked you what you’re doing, and you say you’re fucking her? What kind of a pig are you, anyway, Kick? Most men would say they’re dating her, not fucking her.”

  I spat out some blood and reminded him I wasn’t like most men. “I’m an asshole, remember? That’s how assholes obviously speak.”

  “You were never an asshole before, Kick. Storm has made you that way and I fail to grasp what Evie sees in you.”

  “Well, it’s a good thing you’re not Evie, then. Don’t try and come between us, Jeremy. I swear to fuckin’ God, if you do . . . if you fuck this up for us, it won’t be pretty between you and me.”

  He fumed. His body tensed as if he was about to punch me again and the vein in his neck pulsed. “Things haven’t been pretty between us for a while now and this is the end of it for me, unless you walk away from her.”

  What the fuck?

  “You’re fuckin’ kidding me! You’d throw our friendship away over this?”

  “No, Kick, you pretty much threw our friendship away when you joined Storm. When you sold your soul to the devil and said to hell with everything and everyone. If you drag Evie into that world, I will spend the rest of my days fighting to get her out of it.”

  I moved closer to him. Into his face. “I suggest you get the hell out of my house and never come back. I never want to see your face again,” I snarled, my eyes boring into his, screaming at him how much I meant every fucking word I’d said.

  I was done with him.

  He stood rooted to the spot for a moment, his eyes searching mine. I saw it. I saw the moment where he decided he was done, too. Something flashed in his eyes and he took a step away from me. “Done,” he snapped. And then he added, “If you love her like you say you do, you won’t drag her down with you. You won’t give her a life of shit and grime. Think about that.”

  And then he was gone.

  And I’d been thinking about that for five fucking years.

  I’d let those thoughts convince me to walk away three years ago, but the pull to her was too strong to resist any longer.

  As much as I now believed every word Jeremy had spoken to be true, I was a selfish bastard and wanted Evie with me.

  I couldn’t deny it even if I tried.

  Chapter Five

  Evie

  Despair swirled around me, and the four walls of the room closed in on me as my father admitted his latest fuck up to me. As I stood in his sorry excuse for a home, I squeezed my eyes shut and wished we could go back nineteen years and change the course of history. Change the fact he lived alone with threadbare carpets, worn couches with holes in them, clothes that hung off him because he didn’t care about eating, a career he’d let go of, and a fucking gambling addiction that ruined any chance of changing and improving his life.

  “Fuck, Dad… how did this happen? You were doing so much better.” My eyes pleaded with him. I needed something, anything to give me hope this could be fixed. My gut knew, though. Knew this was what always happened, this was just the never-ending cycle of addiction that, once it had you in its grips, would never let you go. Not if you really didn’t want it to.

  He hung his
head.

  Shame bathed his face.

  Defeat clothed his body.

  The man who’d raised me had vanished and in his place stood this father who I struggled to understand and love. I would always love him deep down, but it was more a reflex emotion. These days, love didn’t come easily…I had to work to love him.

  He looked back up at me, his face more ravaged than I’d ever seen. When he finally spoke, he almost gutted me. “Baby, I need help.”

  My father had never asked for help.

  Never.

  Not when my sister had died, not when my mother had cheated on him, not when he’d lost his job and had to take shitty casual jobs to pay his bills, and never for his gambling addiction.

  His words pierced my heart and tears pricked my eyes.

  Love knocked on my soul and I knew in that moment, I would do anything to help my father.

  “How much do you owe?”

  His eyes shut and he drew a long breath. Opening them again, he said, “Ten grand.”

  My heart dropped into my stomach.

  Ten grand.

  Where the hell were we gonna come up with that kind of money?

  My legs nearly buckled under me so I sat on the couch behind me, rested my elbows on my knees and dropped my head into my hands. This shit was fucked and although my brain scrambled to find a way out for him, it was coming up empty.

  Silence filled the room until, eventually, I lifted my head to ask him, “How long have you got to pay it?”

  “One week,” he whispered just loud enough for me to hear.

  Holy shit.

  My heart almost beat out of my chest and fear sliced through me. There was no way we could come up with that kind of money in a week. But I wasn’t the type of woman to stare defeat in the face and throw in the towel without a fight.

  I got my shit together and stood. “Leave it with me, Dad. I’ll talk to some people.”

  Hope flitted across his face. “Yeah?”

  “Yeah. But this only happens if you’re going to admit you have a problem and get some help for it.” I stared hard at him, waiting.

  He hesitated for a moment and I stilled. Surely he wouldn’t deny his problem any longer? But then again, my father was a stubborn and proud man, and he’d lived in denial for a long time now.

  Relief filled me when he finally spoke. “Yes, I have a problem. I don’t know how or where to get help but I will find it.” The brokenness in his voice told me everything I needed to know. He’d hit rock bottom. And as much as that pained me, it was possibly the best thing for him because now, finally, he would search for a way out.

  “Dad, I’m a counsellor. Remember? I’ll find you someone who will help you.”

  His eyebrows drew together in a frown. “I thought you only counselled kids.”

  “I do, but I know other counsellors.”

  Nodding, he murmured, “Okay, Evie, you find me someone and I’ll work with them.” He paused for a moment before adding, “I know I’ve let you down over the years and that I’ve never admitted my addiction… but I need things to change. I want my life back.” His voice cracked and he stole another piece of my heart. We’d all lost so much back then but my father had lost the most.

  “I know, Dad. We all want you to have your life back,” I said softly.

  His eyes reached deep inside me and he whispered, “Thank you.”

  *****

  I left Dad’s house and drove around in circles for a while, thinking. Wondering where the hell I would find ten grand. Eventually, I found myself on my sister’s doorstep. She answered the door, looking a little bewildered.

  “Evie! Come in,” she said, ushering me into her home.

  “What’s wrong?” I asked, because she really did seem frazzled.

  “I’ll tell you over a drink,” she replied and waved her hand, indicating I should enter.

  Julie was two years older than me and lived alone. I hadn’t been to her house in years but it didn’t appear to have changed much. She still had the cream walls she seemed to love, the country style wood furniture I couldn’t stand, but that she adored, and plants scattered everywhere. Her home had that lived-in feel, though, and I loved that.

  She took me into her kitchen and offered me coffee. “Have you just finished work now?” she asked, glancing at the clock that read seven thirty.

  I shook my head. “No, I finished hours ago but I went to see Dad and have been driving around ever since.”

  Her eyes widened. “Shit, that doesn’t sound good. We definitely need coffee for this . . . or perhaps something stronger?”

  “Coffee is good, thanks.”

  She got her Nespresso going and said, “Spill. Tell me what he’s done now.”

  I sighed and sat on one of her bar stools, slumping onto the counter. “He has gotten himself into debt again and has one week to pay back the money. I told him I would help him find it. The good news is that he’s finally realised he needs help.”

  My words caused her to still and stare at me in shock. “What the hell will happen if you don’t?”

  My heart rate picked up. I’d been working hard not to think about that. “I honestly don’t know but I’m thinking that the kind of person who has ten grand to lend someone to bet with can’t be good news. Especially not if you end up owing him with no way of paying it back.”

  “Oh my God,” she muttered as she made the coffee and brought it over to me. Settling herself on a stool, she asked, “Have you got anyone in mind to ask?”

  “You’re my first port of call. I figured I’d start with family and work out from there.” I looked at her hopefully but her face told me everything I needed to know. She didn’t have it.

  “I’m so sorry, but I’m struggling financially at the moment. That’s actually the reason I was looking so strange when you knocked on the door. I’ve got credit card bills piling up and then today I found out I won’t have a job in a month.”

  I reached out my hand to hold hers. Squeezing it, I said, “I’m so sorry. If I can help you at all, I will.”

  She sighed. “God, I am such a bitch.”

  I frowned. “Why?”

  “Because you are such a good human being, and I have treated you like shit since Shelly died.”

  Shit, tears threatened to fall at her words. She was right – she had been a bitch, but I figured we’d all coped with Shelly’s death in our own way, and hers was to shut her family out.

  When I didn’t respond, she continued, “And now, a week after I make contact after years of shutting you out, you offer to help me in my hour of need.”

  My eyes glistened and I smiled at her. “It’s what family is for. Ours might be messed up and all, but maybe we can find a way to put it back together.”

  “I think it’ll take some time, Evie,” she warned.

  Nodding, I agreed. “Yeah, I know, but if there’s one thing Jeremy’s death has taught me, it’s that we don’t have all the time in the world.”

  “And how does forgiveness factor into all that? ‘Cause unless we can all forgive each other, I don’t see anything changing.”

  “Forgiveness isn’t for the other person, Julie, it’s for us. It lets us move forward, out of our hate and anger at the other person. And I don’t think it necessarily means you forget. You just choose to move past that bad stuff so you can have more good stuff in your life.”

  She raised a brow at me. “Sounds like you’re speaking from experience, little sister?”

  “I guess I am. I wouldn’t say I hated Kick after he walked away, but I was so mad at him for giving up on us and it took me a long time to work through those feelings. I realised he didn’t know how bad I was feeling, so the only person it was affecting and hurting was me. That’s when I decided to forgive him, just so I could let those feelings go.”

  “And now?”

  “What do you mean?”

  “Well, now that you’ve forgiven him, would you take him back if he asked?”

  “Like
I said, just because I’ve forgiven doesn’t mean I’ve forgotten. I didn’t go through all that to not learn a lesson there. Unless Kick has changed dramatically in some things, I won’t take him back.”

  “The way you’re speaking makes me think he’s trying to get you back. Is he?”

  I took a deep breath. “Yeah, he is.”

  “I said it to you the other day, I truly think you two were made for each other, Evie. At least give him one more go.”

  “I don’t know if my heart can take another round,” I whispered, my heart already hurting at the thought of not giving him another go, but at the same time guarding itself from more hurt.

  She drank some of her coffee, and nodded. “I get it. Love’s a scary thing when you’ve been stung before. But you’ve given me another go.”

  I smiled. “You’re different. You’re family.”

  She leant closer to me. “So is Kick, Evie. Haven’t you worked that out by now?”

  Shit, she had a point.

  When I left her home an hour later, my thoughts were completely consumed by Kick. How long would it take for him to wear me down? I’d do my best to stick to my guns but I knew if he kept pushing, I’d eventually cave. He’d left soul prints on me. I could never say no to Kick . . . I could never deny the pull his heart had to mine.

  *****

  The next day I dropped by my mum’s house after work to check on her again. I was surprised to see Kick’s brother’s work ute out the front. Braden was a builder and I doubted my mother needed a one.

  “Mum,” I yelled out as I entered her house, “why is Braden here?”

  “Evie, we’re in the living room. Come and join us,” she yelled back, so I headed in that direction.

  A minute later, I came face to face with Kick.

  Not Braden.

  Kick.

  Shit.

  “Where’s Braden?” I blurted out.

  “What?” Mum asked, clearly confused.

  I jerked my thumb in the direction of the driveway. “Braden’s ute is out front. I was wondering where he is.”

  Kick had been sitting on the couch opposite Mum, but he stood and came towards me. I tried so hard not to let my gaze drop to his body, but it was impossible, and a second later I found myself checking out his fitted tee and the muscles straining under it.