Knee Deep

by Jolene Perry

  “Perfect.” Mr. Blackman laughs. “Now you two have kissed, so it won’t slow us down. And you, Ronnie, will get to kiss this fine young man if Liesl backs out.” Mr. Blackman grins over his clipboard.

  I make a face at Luke, narrowing my eyes and scrunching my nose. “Well, I’ve already kissed him once and…”

  ‘Ooohs’ echo from the group.

  “I’m curious as to who I get to kiss if he backs out?” I fold my arms in front of me, acting way braver than I feel.

  “That would be…” His finger runs down the list. “Curtis.”

  Curtis offers a quick wave at me from across the circle; his cheeks are redder than his hair which is almost, but not quite, as red as mine.

  “Just curious, thanks.” I try to lean back and let my shoulders fall to show I’m totally relaxed, which I’m not. Kissing was the part of all this that I hadn’t really thought about when I tried out. Should have been obvious, being Romeo and Juliet, and all.

  ***

  The read-through pulls me straight into the story—the tingles of first glimpses, the intensity of first kisses, first loves, the desperation of finding a way to be together against all odds. And even though I know the end my breath hitches, and I have to touch the outside of my eyes to stop the tears from escaping for the two lost lovers.

  Luke chuckles softly as our eyes meet. He rubs his hand a few times across my back, really just making me feel more like a kid who needs protection. But he’s also warm, and his touch calms some of the rawness of emotion.

  “Get used to it, Ronnie,” he whispers. “They die every time.”

  But the thing is, I always hope—each time I read or watch this story. I hope that he sees her wake up before he takes the poison, or that Juliet can somehow save Romeo before taking her own life. And it just never happens. The problem is that when you change Romeo and Juliet’s story it ends up like that ridiculous Taylor Swift song. And that’s not what people love about Romeo and Juliet.

  When rehearsal is over, I follow Luke up the aisle of the theater and he holds the door open for me, letting me outside. I love having people in my life who I don’t have to ask, or check with because I already know what’ll happen. Luke and I will walk home from rehearsal together. It’s a given.

  “I can’t believe you remember our kiss.” And for the second time in one day Luke’s cheeks are pink. The dimples he’s trying to hide as he watches his feet on the pavement makes me feel like he might be a bit proud of that moment between us.

  “It was my first game of spin the bottle. You don’t forget momentous occasions such as that.” I give him a gentle slug to the shoulder. It was my first real party. Luke begged me to come with him; his dad had just left town, and his house was filled with tension.

  “Guess not.”

  We walk a few steps in silence.

  Luke stuffs his hands in his pockets. “Might not want to mention that to Shawn.”

  Shawn? Why is my chest squeezing in all of the sudden? My head snaps towards Luke. “I think he knows.” Why would Luke know that would be a big deal? I mean, part of me thinks it wouldn’t be a big deal, but part of me knows that Shawn won’t be happy on the days I have to step into Juliet’s role. Am I just trying too hard to do something that won’t work?

  “I don’t think he does.” Luke shakes his head. “He didn’t live here that year.”

  “Right.” Then I definitely won’t bring it up. And suddenly I’m wondering why I was so excited to play Juliet. I’m not sure it’s something Shawn would be comfortable with, and I’m supposed to be lessening the strain on his life, not making it worse.

  ***

  Shawn’s still on a late schedule at work. I’m not sure why he doesn’t just change it. His dad owns the place. With my rehearsals after school, and his work schedule, we haven’t seen much of each other this week. As soon as I hear his bike on the road I climb out of bed, again, hoping to spend some time with him.

  I start my careful routine to get out of my house without getting caught. I stand on the street for longer than normal, part of me wondering if Luke is running around in the middle of the night. He isn’t. It shouldn’t make me feel disappointed. Seeing Luke would just cut into my Shawn time.

  Now it’s time to go through the careful routine of not being caught at Shawn’s house.

  I stop in the front yard, and his dad’s angry voice carries out into the street. I can’t hear the words, but now I’m torn as to whether I move forward, or turn back toward home. My heart pounds in my ears as I slowly circle to the side of the house. I’m scared for me, and scared for Shawn. But what am I supposed to do if things at his house are as out of control as they sound? I can’t help. Maybe this is one of those situations where I should call the cops or something, but that can’t be right. It’s too drastic. It’s just Shawn’s dad, and it is just yelling. I think.

  I stand and wait for what feels like an hour. The voices finally die down and the noise of the TV gets louder.

  Shawn appears at the gate. He gives me a thin-lipped smile as he holds it open for me to walk through. I sit in the first chair I can find, arms clutched around my middle, not wanting to be too close to the back door. It’s like there’s this thick, black mood surrounding his house. How can he live here like this? Or maybe I’m just making too much out of nothing.

  “Hey.” He doesn’t even sit next to me on the chair; he takes the lounger across from me.

  “I’m the one risking my neck to see you. You should be a little more grateful,” I try to tease. Anything to help lighten the mood here.

  Anger flashes across his face and my chest seizes tight as I scoot further away.

  Now I’m not sure what to do with myself. All of this is so beyond anything I’ve ever been around before. My hands tuck into my sides as I fold my arms more tightly in front of me, almost like protection. Which is ridiculous. I don’t need protection from Shawn.

  “I’m sorry.” He lets out a breath. “I just miss you.” He leans forward and brushes his fingers down my cheek. I love this side of him so much that I start to feel guilty about being irritated.

  “It’s okay.” But my chest and body are tensed, as if waiting for the next round to begin.

  “Since you’re going to be all busy, I figure you owe me.” Now there’s a smirk on his face.

  “Owe you?” I try to tease back, just to keep the peace. And this, I can deal with. This is just Shawn, not some weird, tense, confusing situation.

  “A weekend. You can tell your parents that Mindy’s taking some girls to her parent’s condo. You’ve done that before.” Now he’s so close his breath touches my face.

  My gut sinks. “Once.” And it was this huge deal and my dad called like fifty million times to make sure we were all okay and behaving ourselves.

  His hand takes mine and his thumb slides gently over my palm. “Try it, please?”

  A wave of nerves pass through my core. I know what he’s after, and I don’t know that I’m ready. I wish I could tell him I’m not ready, and then he wouldn’t try, so we could relax and have fun. But we won’t relax which means neither of us will have any fun. “I’ll try.” But the huge lump now swelling my throat to more than twice its normal size makes me wonder if I even have the guts to try.

  Maybe between now and then I’ll get up the courage to be with him. I’m sure once I get it over with it won’t be such a big deal. But now I’m all nauseated and have no idea how to bring it up to my parents, what I’ll do if it works, or how spending a weekend together will go when I still don’t think I can be with him the way he wants.

  ~ 5 ~

  I’m far enough into the school year that I feel okay skipping, and Mindy never minds some time off. Shawn’s mouth pulls down into a frown when I tell him, so I promise to only be gone an hour or two. His dad freaks out when he’s caught, so it’s just not worth it for him.

  “So, where we going?” Mindy asks, as we pull out of the school parking lot.

  “I don’t care.
I’d love a smoothie, after that it just doesn’t matter.” I stretch my arms up and touch the roof of her car. It makes me realize how stiff I am. And then I feel guilty for feeling so free when Shawn’s not around. But I do feel free. I really needed this.

  We stand inside The Smoothie Spot which is filled with moms, babies and expensive-looking strollers this time of day.

  “What’s goin’ on?” she asks.

  Too much to explain. I shrug.

  Her hands go straight to her hips. “Okay, Ronnie? I know something’s going on because this is what you do. You get us together and then you get all quiet because you don’t know how to bring it up.”

  “Fine.” We grab our enormous cups and walk back out to her car. I both love and hate that she knows me this well. But as soon as I sit down, I mostly love it because words just start pouring out. “Shawn’s frustrated because we don’t see each other much…”

  Her eyes roll.

  And I get her eye roll because Shawn and I are together every minute we can be. “I don’t know why I’m still afraid to have sex. I mean, it’s like I know him, I love him, I want to be with him, it’s just this never-ending pressure and I’m not sure how to deal with it, or if I should deal with it, or if something’s just fundamentally wrong with me…I just wish he’d back off for a while…that it could my idea. That he’d be okay with snuggling on the couch again so we could just be together.” We both slump in Peter Rabbit’s seats. She flicks on the radio.

  Mindy opens her mouth to talk, but my mouth opens and I just start confessing again.

  “A few days ago he asked me to say that I’m taking off for a weekend with you so he and I can spend some time together, only I don’t feel like it’s about spending time. I feel like it’s about getting what he wants, and my parents said it was totally okay, but I…” I’m breathing hard and don’t even mean to be. I stop just before talking about his parents fighting. He actually came to my house the other night because his dad was in a bad mood. I have no idea what that must be like. Shawn won’t talk about it, whether it’s normal, or how long it’s been going on. I wonder if it’s something he’s always covered up; it’s just getting harder, like the anger in his house is wearing on him. There’s no way for me to understand that kind of stress. My parents have always gotten along.

  “Ronnie?” Her brows go up. “I’ll happily be your cover, but please don’t do something just because he wants you to, okay? We shouldn’t keep having this conversation. I’m not going to talk you into anything.”

  “Yeah. Okay.” But I’m starting to wonder if there will ever be a time when I actually feel ready, or if I’ll just need to jump in.

  “Is he worth the trouble?” she asks.

  My chest drops. Of course this is what Mindy would say. “I’m overreacting. That’s all.”

  “Well, you already know I think you’re both crazy for thinking you two will always be together.” Her brows go up as she starts up her car.

  “I know.” I sigh. Mindy will never understand about Shawn and I because she’s not after that kind of relationship right now, and doesn’t think I should be either. But how would I feel in ten years married to someone else? And Shawn married to someone else? I know exactly how I’d feel. I’d feel like I missed out on having the guy who knows me best. I can’t imagine a life without him. I’ve known him too long. Anyway, the added stress from his dad won’t last forever. It can’t.

  “Ready to sneak back into school?”

  “Notebook?” I ask.

  “We checked it all off the other day, remember?” She takes another long drink of her smoothie. “I think we need more stuff, Ronnie. It seems kind of lame that it’s only a month into the school year and we’ve both already done our thing.”

  “You’re right.”

  “Maybe we should just be better about finding things?” I hear her suck the last bits of drink from her cup.

  “Yeah, I guess.” Only I have enough stuff making me uncomfortable right now. Theater. Shawn. His angry dad. The whole sex thing.

  “And if you go on your little weekend trip…” She gives me a ridiculous wiggle of her brows before dropping her cup on the floor of her backseat. “…we’ll have something else to add.”

  “It’s a good thing no one ever rides with us.” I drop my cup where she dumped hers and it rattles as it hits the empty soda cans, coffee cups, slurpee cups…

  “No room.” She smirks as we pull back into the student lot.

  Just as she turns off the car, I spot the truant officer coming our way.

  Wait. This is perfect. I’ll get suspended. Weekend problem solved. I’m buying time. My heart thumps crazily in my chest. “Get in the back.”

  “What?” Her eyes widen.

  “Hide under the crap you have back there. I’ll jump out of the driver’s side and take it.” Why won’t she just do it?

  “But…”

  “This solves my weekend problem, okay?” I’m starting to get desperate. There’s a Jeep in our line of sight now, but for how long?

  Our eyes catch. She gets it. She knows this is my way out, and normally she’d never let me do this for her, but right now, it’s for me.

  “I’m so putting this in the book for you, Ronnie.” She giggles as she clambers through a summer’s worth of cups on the floor and grabs a picnic blanket to conceal herself. Clever.

  “Awesome,” I say, as I climb out and start to walk. My eyes catch his, a new guy this year, and I know I’m busted but she’s safe. And in a weird way, I feel safe now, too.

  I must be messed in the head if I’m looking for ways to get out of spending a weekend with my boyfriend.

  ***

  I WAS FIFTEEN…

  …it was the summer of eternal promises and lots of kissing.

  Mom had been excited for weeks by the time we got to the beach house we were sharing it with the Carsons—which, for me, meant Shawn. After writing all year and having a few phone conversations—and a couple of shared kisses before he left—I was a wreck for weeks before our trip.

  But as soon as he climbed out of the car, his dark hair in need of a cut and his Hawaiian print shorts slung low on his waist, I almost forgot how nervous I was.

  He jogged up to me first thing and threw his lanky arms around me. I was taller than him that year, but he didn’t mind a bit.

  The second my brother Ben saw us standing so close, he kept a narrowed eye on Shawn. But Shawn didn’t seem to be deterred, and before the sun set on his first night at the house on the beach we had a repeat of our forest kiss—minus the picnic.

  “Come on,” he whispered, as I put plates away. “They’re all talking. Let’s get out of here.”

  I didn’t even glance once. I just took his hand and trusted him to lead me out the door. We ran down the hill to the beach and took off running in the wet sand still holding hands, until we came to the small outcropping of rocks, which formed what we always called, “the cove.”

  We stepped into the water and I stopped as soon as the waves touched my knees.

  “Don’t you want to go deeper?” he asked.

  “It’s the rule. From my dad. If there are no parents, you stop at your knees.” I smiled as I looked into the black water. We didn’t always listen to that rule, but there was something about breaking one rule (going to the beach at night without telling anyone) that made me want to follow a different one.

  “I missed you.” He took my hand and pulled me close, our hands clutched together between us.

  I opened my mouth to speak, but when his lips touched mine words didn’t matter. His lips parted and we kissed more. It was scary, not like our sweet kiss in the woods, but I craved more of it. The cool waves tickled the small dent behind my knees, and Shawn’s kisses touched every other part of me.

  We snuck off any time we got a chance. He bought me cherry shaved ice every day for the whole two weeks and then tried to kiss off the red tint. It never worked, but not for lack of trying.

  Our last night f
elt awful, like I was being torn apart from the inside. We sat side by side in the sand, our knees up, and our hands together tightly. His forehead rested against mine, and it felt like the most perfect moment of my life. Shawn’s always been good at being part of those.

  “I can’t believe this is over.” His voice was barely a whisper.

  “We can keep writing.” Anything to keep the connection.

  “I will. I promise I will.” His dark eyes found mine in the dim light.

  “Me, too.”

  And then, on the edge of the sand near our wall of rocks, we kissed one another until my lips were sore. Nothing could keep me from crying at our separation but the protection of his arms.

  ***

  Dad sighs in his chair, holding my suspension slip and rubbing his forehead with his thumb and pointer finger, like he does when my brother, Ben, or I screw up. Ben doesn’t have to see it anymore, being so far away in college, but I get a front row seat.

  But having a purpose for this makes getting in trouble a lot less horrible.

  Mom’s on the couch, her magazine resting on her legs. “If you wanted part of a day off from school, you should have just said something. We both know I don’t have a problem with you taking time off once in a while.”

  “Sorry.” I stare at my lap and try to look dejected, even though I’m not all that broken up about it. “Guess this means I miss my girl weekend.”

  “Oh…” Mom sounds surprised, like she might still let me do it.

  My breathing stops.

  I see Dad’s hand come up between he and Mom. “No girl weekend. You’ll have to reschedule.”

  I nod and bite my lip. Is this good enough? It’s hard to look sad when relief is washing through my body.

  But Dad’s looking at me. I guess he knows something’s up. Sometimes it really sucks having a shrink for a dad.

  ***

  Mom and Dad leave in the morning as usual. I’m not allowed to go anywhere or have anyone over, but it doesn’t matter. Being alone is starting to feel like exactly what I need.