Knee Deep

by Jolene Perry

  “I don’t know if that’s a good idea.” I shake my head. “You taking me home.” If I think my guilt factor is huge now, what would happen if I made out with Romeo? Shawn and Luke all in the same night?

  “You can’t walk home alone, Ronnie. Not after that.”

  My gut sinks. What will everyone say about what happened here?

  “Okay.” Because what choice do I have, really?

  We walk towards the parking lot, my arms wrap around my middle, holding me together.

  All I want right now is for someone to suck all these bad thoughts and feelings out and leave me with whatever the right thing to do is. Probably no way to do that. Maybe I’ll make it my new wish. My one thing for the notebook.

  DO THE RIGHT THING. But what is the right thing?

  I climb into the passenger’s side of his car, remaining silent. My knees pull up to my chest and I wrap my arms around them, holding me together. I hope that Shawn doesn’t see Luke drive me home. He doesn’t need to be hurt any worse.

  There are no words for Luke, not right now. The drive to my house is over in what feels like seconds, and I still have no words. I’m too tired. I push the door open and step out.

  “Wait, Ronnie.” He stands and stares at me over the car. “I need to talk to you.”

  “I got nothing left, Luke. Not right now.” My arms hang to my sides in defeat.

  “But this is it, right? I mean, this is like, chance number four or five that he just blew?” Luke comes around the front of the car. And as half my body is screaming for him to run away, the other half is screaming for him to take me in his arms and never let me go. Kidnap me and run away to the coast.

  “I started it.” I’m the one that let Shawn believe we’d go further, do more. He can only be expected to take so much.

  “What?” His jaw drops.

  “Under the tree, I started it.” Why would Luke want me? I’ve proven myself to be a miserable human being.

  “Yeah, and he did a hell of a job of finishing it, didn’t he?” His voice is quiet, but hard, serious.

  I press my fingers to my forehead and squish my eyes shut. “Everything’s a blurry mess right now.” And like a lunatic, I let my eyes find his. He hits my chest like Shawn hasn’t since we were little—only I’m not little anymore so it hits me even harder.

  “What would have happened if we didn’t decide to hang there tonight? What if no one was there?” he asks.

  I’ve just been punched. What am I doing? I open my mouth to speak but, again, have no words.

  “Ronnie!” His face is desperate. “I’m crazy in love with you! I love you so much that I can’t even imagine myself with anyone else! And you’re giving chances to a guy who will never be the kid you fell in love with! That guy is gone, and the one who took his place deserves no part of you!”

  I stand in my driveway. My dress is heavy with dirt and my shoulders slump, but my arms still clutch my sides, fold in front of me, holding me together. My heart is split in so many directions I can’t function, can’t think.

  Tonight is the final slap I needed to let him go, but it’s still all too much to think about. Too much to feel right now.

  His face softens. “You kissed me. I mean, we kissed. Please tell me you meant it. That’s all I need.”

  Instead of words, I get tears. I did mean to kiss him and I want to tell him that. But I can’t. To fall into Luke’s arms would be like saying, “Yes, I’m a horrible girl who loved two guys at once. I broke one, and then went after the other. There’s no way I can walk away from Shawn for Luke. Even if I knew for certain that’s what my heart wanted, it just wouldn’t work. There would be too much between Luke and I, too much guilt and too much heaviness.

  I watch as the weight of whatever’s in my heart and on my face hits him. It breaks me further.

  He opens his mouth, but nothing comes out. He starts to turn around two or three times before getting back in his car and driving away.

  “I did mean to kiss you,” I finally let myself say. Even my quiet whisper feels like a screaming confirmation of what a horrible person I’ve become.

  Never in my life have I been this alone. Ever. And I want to feel Luke’s arms around me more than anything I can think of, but I can’t trade one for the other. I just can’t.

  ~ 18 ~

  I don’t know how to function today. Last night still seems too crazy to be real. The torn, stained, white dress is in a pile on my floor. As I stand up from my bed, I catch my reflection. My face is even paler than normal. There are dark circles under my eyes. My wrist is purple. It’s like I’m in this horrible place and only half of me knows how I got here. I’m in worse shape than the ruined dress.

  I lean against the kitchen counter having no idea what brought me here. When I give up, I step into the living room, lie on the couch, and flip through endless channels.

  Another long-sleeved t-shirt covers my wrist. Everyone’s used to them now. Used to them. Because I’ve been hiding bruises. The sick feeling in my gut won’t go away, won’t let me think; it holds me prisoner in my swimming thoughts. After making Shawn walk home alone, and standing like a moron while Luke poured his heart out to me, there’s just nothing left to feel but a dull ache.

  My thumb hits the channel button over and over, my brain not even registering what’s on the screen.

  “Ronnie,” Dad says. “I’m really worried about you.”

  I jump, not realizing he’s in the room. “Just stress, Dad.” I flick to another channel. “No big deal.”

  But my heart’s breaking because no matter what I do, or did, or will do, someone’s going to be hurt. Actually, we all probably hurt right now because of me. I’m already in pieces and I still don’t know what to do for myself, or for Luke, or for Shawn.

  “Your mom thought about inviting Diane and Shawn to the coast, would that help?” he asks.

  No. No, that won’t help at all. “Could I crash with Mindy for a couple days?” I ask.

  A long pause. An eternity while Dad’s eyes take in mine, my face, the way I’m sitting.

  “If it’s okay with her parents, I don’t see why not.”

  Instead of saying thank you, I lean over and grab my dad in the kind of hug I haven’t given him in a long time.

  “Please call if you need anything, okay?” he whispers. “I’m really worried about you, Ronnie.”

  “I’ll be okay.” But I’m only saying these words to appease him, not because I believe them to be true.

  ***

  “Oh, my gosh, you were amazing!” Mindy’s arms hug me tight as she jumps onto her porch to greet me. “Are you sad it’s over?”

  I burst into tears.

  What’s over? The play? Shawn? The light in Luke’s eyes when he looked at me? Or maybe it’s the new beginnings that have me screwed simply because I have no idea what any of them are.

  She grabs my hand and drags me to her room where we sit together on the floor. I tell her how I feel for Luke, even though I didn’t mean to fall for him, and how I tried to blame it on the play. But it really wasn’t the play. It was all me.

  I tell her about Shawn and everything he went through and how I’m the worst, most horrible person in the world because I have to split things off with him. And if I don’t I might lose Luke forever, and if I do, I’ll lose Shawn forever. But how can I even think about being with Shawn when he keeps treating me the way he does? That’s insane! And I don’t know him, and we haven’t talked, and I’m not sure I want to or that I have it in me. There’s really no way to be with someone when I don’t want to talk to them and don’t want to be around them, which sort of answers half of my questions. The problem is there are so many questions still floating, how will I know if I’ve answered them all?

  My thoughts mix with what I tell her and I don’t know if I make sense to her, because I don’t know if I make sense to me.

  “How does it feel to lose them?” she asks.

  “Horrible!” Of course.

 
“Comparatively.”

  I know. I know before she asks because it would feel worse to lose Luke. But is that because I feel like I could actually lose Luke? I don’t know that I could lose Shawn unless I’m the one to do it. Luke driving away proves I can lose him pretty easily. “It’s too muddy.”

  “It’s ridiculous that you think you had any effect on what an asshole Shawn is, and I think it’s messing with your head. The guilt, I mean. And it’s not like you’ve known one longer than the other.”

  What ? “Of course I have! I’ve known Shawn forever!”

  “Luke’s been here since we were twelve, he knew Shawn before he left but Luke never left. Luke’s been around, been your friend, and spent a lot more time around you than Shawn has.”

  The thought pushes through my center. “You’re right.”

  “You thought it could be any other way?” she teases. “I’m always right!”

  Wow. “It’s just that…Shawn has felt like everything.” How did that happen ?

  “Because you made him everything.”

  “I…” But she’s right again. And somehow by never expecting anything from Luke, we ended up closer than anyone.

  “It’s all starting to hit you again, isn’t it?” Her head rests on my shoulder, and I rest my head on hers in return.

  “What did I do?” Tears start sliding down my cheeks again.

  “Nothing that can’t be fixed.” Her voice holds more confidence than I could ever feel.

  “You should have seen him, Mindy. I crushed him.”

  “Who?”

  Both of them. “Luke. He’ll hate me forever, and he should.”

  “He won’t hate you forever, but he might not take you.”

  “Wow.” I force out a chuckle. “Some friend you are.”

  “I’m just sayin’” She shifts, and lifts her head from my shoulder.

  “I don’t know what to do.” I feel small, lost, and unsure about everything.

  “I can’t believe these words are about to come out of my mouth.” She makes a big show of opening her mouth wide several times as if testing her ability to speak. “You need to tell your parents everything you’ve told me. It sounds like Shawn’s getting worse, not better. He’s going to turn into his dad. And even though I think you should totally dump him for Luke—that’s beside the point. No matter what, he needs to be dumped. Shawn needs help, Ronnie. You need help.”

  “What?” She’s talking about doing stuff that other people need. I don’t need this extra stuff. Help ? I can deal.

  “I’m serious. After what Shawn did to you? It’s not just the bruising. I feel like he made you second-guess everything. What you did and didn’t do, what you wore, how much sleep you got, who you were friends with. Is there a part of your life he didn’t touch?”

  “Just the part with Luke.” How ironic is that. “And that part feels like the biggest mess. I mean, he kept me from being with Luke, but he didn’t stop my feelings.”

  “I’m so sorry you’re dealing with all of this.” Her hand rubs up and down my arm.

  “Not as sorry as me.” The weight of how sorry I am clutches at every part of me, weighing me down, and right now I don’t even care if it pulls me under.

  ***

  Even my dad resorts to texting over the few days I’m at Mindy’s house, just to check in. He knows something’s up but won’t press me. Mindy and I watch girlie movie after girlie movie, taking breaks only for snacks or a quick run for fast food.

  I hear nothing from Luke. Nothing from Shawn. And that’s a good thing. This is the break I needed over Thanksgiving.

  When I walk in the door from Mindy’s house, the smell of fresh bread fills the air.

  “I’m about to take this to Shawn and his mom. Wanna come?” Mom asks.

  The thought makes me sick. I can’t face Shawn without telling him about Luke. I can’t face Luke until I’ve talked to Shawn. I don’t think. And within two seconds of being home, I’m back to uncertainty.

  “I’m just dropping stuff off before I head out,” I say. I start down the hallway hoping not to hear the dreaded question.

  “Where are you going?”

  Crap. Think, think, think… “Going to surprise Dad at work.”

  “Oh.” Her voice is bright. “He’ll love that. He worries too much. He keeps asking about you. Don’t worry, I’ve told him you’re fine.”

  “Thanks, Mom,” I call back from inside my room. I love my mom but, wow, unobservant almost seems like a pathetic thing to say for how she doesn’t see what’s around her.

  ***

  I walk the two miles to Dad’s office while rolling the conversation with Mindy over and over in my head. The thought of actually telling Dad everything makes me want to throw up. Even that would be less messy than my life, but it’s not really an appealing alternative.

  The door to his office building is open and I take the elevator to the top floor, the one he and his two partners use. I check my phone for the time. It’s a few minutes before two o’clock. He should be almost exactly between patients.

  As I step into the waiting room, he steps out to talk to his secretary. Our eyes meet briefly.

  “Cancel my next,” he whispers. Dad just knows.

  “But…” Her eyes scan the computer screen frantically.

  “Rick had a couple of cancellations, he can take it. Thanks.” His eyes never leave mine.

  Dad stands, smiles and steps back, holding the hallway door open.

  No words are exchanged. They’re not yet needed. Hopefully I can find the ones that are needed when I get inside. I sort of half shake, half float across the room. Now that I’m here, I’m not sure why I thought this was a good idea.

  We’re both in his office, but I just stand—unsure of what to do, where to be.

  “It’s good to see you.” Dad’s arms wrap around me, weakening me, breaking down the walls I’ve so carefully kept up to keep me safe. To keep my secrets safe—from way too many people.

  “You, too.” I pull in a shaky breath, determined not to cry.

  He lets go and tilts his head to see my face.

  Instead of talking, I sit in the chair across from his desk and he sits next to me.

  “I’m not in any hurry, Ronnie. Whenever you want to talk, you can.” His voice is low, smooth, kind.

  I stare at my lap and tell him everything, beginning with the first time Shawn grabbed me. I keep out the panties part, and I keep out the sex and the pressure, but I tell him about how confused my feelings got and how afraid I am that Shawn will be like his dad. I tell him about each incident and watch as my dad’s jaw tightens in anger as he forces himself to take deep breaths. I tell him how Shawn always felt ‘meant to be.’ How I feel like I’m betraying how much I love him, and how much I’m torn between the two.

  The silence when I finish pounds in my ears.

  Dad’s large hand rests on my shoulder, and he speaks softly. “This kind of loyal dedication is what someone deserves in a wife that he’s put years of work and trust into, not a young man who hasn’t even started his own life yet, Ronnie. This is the time in your life when you should be able to fly free. If something doesn’t suit you, or work out right, you jump to the next. It’s one of the beautiful things about being young. This way, when you do tie yourself down, you’ll be ready for it.”

  “What do I do, Dad?” I still can’t raise my gaze from my lap.

  “I can’t tell you what to do, honey. I want to rip that boy’s head off for what he’s done to you.” Dad’s eyes still rest softly on me, there’s no need for me to look to know that. “And at the very least, he needs some help and you need some distance.”

  Distance. What would that be like? Just the thought of not dealing with him everyday gives me the first amount of relaxation I’ve felt since the play. “Agreed.” Maybe some distance will also help clear my thoughts—because mixed-up thoughts and mixed-up emotions are exhausting.

  “Ronnie, I love Luke. I really do. He’s an o
utstanding young man. But you might want to think about taking some time to just be Ronnie. You and Shawn were really young to tie yourself to one another that way. Why don’t you think about being your own person for a while?”

  My own person. Just me. Just Ronnie. It seems so…empty. And what would Luke say? If I understand him right, he’s been waiting for me for a long time. Would he wait longer? How long do I need? If I know he’s waiting for me, it wouldn’t be like living on my own, though, as just me.

  Another thought hits me hard. Luke probably doesn’t want me anymore. I wouldn’t be surprised, not after the heartbreak on his face.

  “I’ve really, really screwed up, Dad.” My fingertips press at the outsides of my eyes, keeping the tears in.

  “Oh, no…” He shakes his head and rubs his hand on my shoulder a few times. “This is normal growing up stuff.” He stops. “Well, not entirely normal. But you haven’t screwed anything up. How about I drive you home and I’ll walk over to Shawn’s house with you, okay?”

  “No.” I shake my head. “I need to do this alone.”

  “I don’t think I can let you do this alone.”

  I broke all of this. I need to fix all of this. “Please let me do this.” Our eyes meet, and as his face falls I know he’ll relent.

  “I want you to know this is one of those times when it kills me to have to let you go.” And it’s all over his face. It does kill him.

  “I’m safe, Dad. It’s okay.” But I have no idea if this is safe, or not. It’s so crazy. I’m thinking about Shawn—peanut butter kisses and cherry shaved ice Shawn—and being afraid of him.

  ~ 19 ~

  Walking home from Dad’s office gives me thinking time, but it doesn’t do me any good. My brain can’t focus. I stop in front of Luke’s house. I guess Fate is telling me to do this first.

  I’m not sure what to say, but I don’t have to worry about talking to Luke, aside from total rejection. I don’t even know what I’m after yet. Just some understanding maybe. I’ve never held back on how I feel about Shawn, so at least I can talk to Luke and tell him I need space from everyone, but that he was right. I fell for him hard. I meant to kiss him.