Endless - Manhattan Knights Series Book Three

by Sienna Parks

  I sit back, my vision blurred from lack of sleep, but I push myself to focus on the piece of paper in front of me, smoothing it out so I can read the words she’s been holding close. It’s been so long since I wrote this, it feels like another lifetime. A happier one.

  From a Master to his submissive,

  My sweet and gentle Vittoria, my Nyx. As I write this letter to you, my beautiful submissive, I am filled with both pride, for the stunning woman that you are, inside and out, and sadness, that I must leave you today. When I’m with you, I’m drawn into your orbit, circling you, helpless to escape, and there is no place I’d rather be than by your side.

  I never thought that I’d be lucky enough to find love, and when I met you, I fell head over heels, but I never in my wildest dreams, thought that you could love me back. I fought it for so long, believing that you couldn’t possibly want the same life as I do. I knew then, that I wasn’t good enough for you, and even now, I know it’s true. But, the moment I let myself kiss you, the moment I felt your passion, I became selfish. You deserve so much better than me, but I can’t stand the thought of giving you up, of letting another man make you happy. One thing I know with absolute certainty, is that no matter what my shortcomings may be, no man will ever love you as much as I do.

  When you trusted me enough to tell me about your lifestyle, I was astounded, and yet somehow, it made sense to me. You were made for me. Everything about you, calls to me. I want every part of you. The first time I claimed you as my own in the playroom, I can’t even describe to you, how incredible that night was for me. To make you my submissive; to watch you give yourself over to me completely, was… magnificent.

  You laugh that I call you Nyx, but to me, you are a goddess. My goddess.

  Do you know why I asked you to dance to ‘Tempo di Valse’ at the club? It’s because Swan Lake is the first ballet I ever saw you dance in. I was running late, and missed the introduction, but when I set foot inside the auditorium, and saw you on stage, that music playing in the background, I fell in love with you all over again. You didn’t know I was there, but I stood in the back, and watched you, captivated by your grace and beauty. Something happens when you dance, Vittoria, and it’s an honor and a privilege to witness. You’re not just a ballerina, you’re an artist. Breathtaking and unique. Ethereal and yet more real than anyone I’ve ever known. You speak to me when you dance, your body communicating so much emotion, so much of your soul. I will never tire of watching you, worshiping you, in awe of your unparalleled talent.

  I can never express to you, how sorry I am for what happened here in Paris. I will never forgive myself for letting you down, and I promise you, I will never let anyone hurt you, ever again. I don’t know what happened to you in the past, but know that I will always be here, ready to listen. I need you to be honest with me, otherwise what do we have, if we don’t have trust?

  You’ve changed my life. You breathe life into my mundane existence, and I’ll spend the rest of my life protecting that, protecting you.

  I’m so proud of who you are. You are the most amazing, tender, and loving submissive, and I am humbled that you chose me as your Master. Know that I will never take that great honor for granted.

  All my love, now and always

  Your Master, lover, and friend

  Logan x

  I can’t bear to look at it any longer; folding it slowly, I place it on the table by her bedside. Why did she have this in her hand when they found her? As a reminder of how I broke my word? I promised her I would protect her, and yet, here we are; her lying in a hospital, halfway across the world from where I was this time yesterday. This has been going on for months… months, and I had no idea. I’m supposed to know her better than anyone, and I have no idea what’s going on in her life. I was too busy with the band, too busy with my label to notice what must have been right in front of me. I’m disgusted with myself.

  I take her hand in mine, and rest my head on the edge of her bed, emotionally and physically unable to function any longer. I’m here with her, and she’s alive; that’s enough for now.

  I wake up to the soft, soothing sounds of Vittoria’s voice, her fingers stroking through my hair. It feels like only moments since I closed my eyes, but the dim light in the room suggests otherwise. It’s dark, the only light coming from a reading lamp above the bed. I struggle to open my eyes, and instead of fighting it, I take a moment to let them adjust; listening to her whispered words as she breaks my heart even further.

  “I’m so sorry, Logan. I never wanted to hurt you. You’re the best thing that has ever happened to me. The only person that truly knows me in any real way. I know I’ve disappointed you, that I’ve failed you. I’ve lied to you for so long, I don’t expect you to forgive me. I broke your trust not only as your submissive, but as your friend. None of this was about you, or how well you love me. You have been… amazing; so much more than I deserve. This was about me. I’m lost, and I don’t know how to fix it. I don’t know if I’m strong enough. The only thing I do know, is that I love you, and I’m so, so sorry that you’re here, dealing with my mess. I’m sorry… I’m sorry… I’m so sorry.” She breaks down, sobbing softly, willing me to forgive her.

  I lift her hand, warmly encased in mine for the past however many hours, and lift it to my lips, planting a gentle kiss. “I love you, Vittoria.” My voice is rough from sleep, but also because there is a giant lump in my throat as I lift my gaze to meet hers. “I should have been here with you.” I can barely keep my head up; so physically and emotionally drained by the last twenty-four hours of my life. “When I got that call, and I couldn’t get to you. Fuck… I’ve never been so terrified.”

  She throws herself on me, begging for mercy. “Please forgive me, Master. You have to forgive me.” I stroke my hand up and down her back, trying to calm her, but I’m devastatingly aware of how she’s changed since the last time I touched her. I can feel her spine and her ribs protruding, her skin tight rather than soft. She never had an ounce of fat on her to start with, but now, she’s almost emaciated. I can’t believe I didn’t know. I hold her, unable to speak. Can I forgive her for trying to end her own life? Her life means more to me than anything else in the vast universe that surrounds us, and she tried to end it, as if it meant nothing, less than nothing.

  “Don’t call me Master.” It’s all I can manage. I can’t unburden my fears and concerns on her, she’s not strong enough to handle it, and I wouldn’t want her to hear the conflicting emotions that are battling in my head right now. I’m so relieved that she’s here in my arms, and that she’s still breathing; that’s she’s still part of this world. But, I’m so fucking angry with her, and I can’t let her get even a hint that I feel this way. It would be selfish of me, and I won’t make this any harder on her than it already is.

  “Thank you for coming. I didn’t know if you would.”

  I hold her tighter, wishing that she could see what I see in her, what I love with every fiber of my being. “Don’t you know by now? I would travel to the ends of the earth and beyond for you. When are you going to understand that I love you… unconditionally? You’re everything to me, and when I thought I might lose you… God, my world just fell apart. I can’t lose you. It took me a lifetime to find you, and even longer to make you mine. Please don’t give up on me.”

  She’s crying uncontrollably now, as if she’s in physical pain, and all I can do is cling to her, hoping that my presence will bring her some small amount of comfort. I crawl up onto the bed beside her, and lift her into my arms, cradling her in my lap as I’ve done so many times before, but this time it’s different. It doesn’t feel the same. I don’t feel the same.

  I’ve always felt like Vittoria’s protector, her guardian angel if you will, although, I couldn’t be further from an angel. I’ve always believed that I could keep her safe from anything and anyone that might hurt her. Even when I let myself lose control with her, I was still in control of everything else around us. Now, I’m questioning
everything we’ve ever shared together. I thought she trusted me, I thought she felt the same way about me as I do about her. I couldn’t hurt her like that. I couldn’t leave her behind to deal with such an insurmountable loss. I would never be that selfish. I thought I knew her, but at least the last three months of our relationship have been a lie. Every word spoken between us, was… meaningless, and I didn’t see it; I had no idea.

  I’m ashamed to have ever called myself her Master. I knew she deserved better, and maybe if I had been selfless enough to let her go and find it, this wouldn’t have happened. I’ve been lax with her because I love her so much, but in the end, I’ve hurt her more than any punishment ever could.

  “Logan, I… I don’t know what to say. No apology could ever be enough for what I’ve done.”

  “I have to know. Why didn’t you talk to me? What’s been going on with you? I thought you understood what I expected of you as my submissive. You should have come to me with whatever has been troubling you.”

  “I didn’t know how to tell you. Telling you would have made it real.”

  “What? I need to know.”

  Tears begin to well in her eyes again as she finally opens up to me. “It started with my injury in Prague.”

  “Fucking hell, Vittoria! Has our entire relationship been a lie?” The look of shock on her face makes me realize what an asshole I am. “I’m sorry. I’m just scared and worried because I care. I won’t interrupt you again. Go on.”

  She takes a deep breath before continuing.

  “When I left you to go back on tour, my injury wasn’t as healed as I hoped it would be, but I couldn’t bear to be away from dancing any longer than I had already been, so I hid the pain from the physio and the doctor. I kept taking the painkillers to get me through each show. After a while, they stopped working so well, and I upped the number of pills I was taking. I started visiting doctors in every city we performed in, getting more and more pills to keep me going. At some point, I couldn’t stop taking them. I danced through the pain, night after night, and by the time I got back to my hotel I was practically crawling to the bed, the pain was so bad. I couldn’t give it up, Logan. Ballet is my life.”

  I grip her hand, horrified and heartbroken by her admission.

  “Two weeks after you left Paris, I went on stage like any other night. I thought the painkillers were working; I leapt into the air, and when I landed on my ankle, the impact…” she struggles to say the words, “it ended my career.”

  “Vittoria…”

  “I had surgery to repair the damage, but the best they could do was to make sure I don’t walk with a limp. The doctor said if I continue to dance, I’ll be in a wheelchair within a year.”

  I can’t believe she’s been dealing with this on her own. Her life crashing down around her, and she’s been shouldering the burden by herself all this time.

  “I was in the hospital physio facility for weeks after the operation, until I could walk well enough to look after myself. The ballet company had already left for the next city, and I was so lost, Logan. I was in denial. I didn’t want to face up to what was happening to me. The longer it went on, the harder it became for me to tell you. The pain was crushing me, and to say it out loud… I just couldn’t.” She wipes her tears away with the back of her hand, her eyes bloodshot and swollen. “The pain in my ankle was excruciating, and I kept taking the pain meds, more often than I was supposed to. It got to the point where I couldn’t leave my hotel room, I didn’t want to face going back to New York and explaining to everyone that my lifelong dream has been burned to ash. In the end, I couldn’t bear to hear your voice.”

  Her words cut me like a blade.

  “It was too painful. I love you so much, and I couldn’t tell you. I didn’t want to tell you. I felt like there was no way out, no way to get back to the life I had, the life we shared together. I took too many tablets. I didn’t mean to. I wasn’t trying to kill myself, Logan. It was a mistake. I’m so sorry.”

  I want to believe her. I want to believe her so badly. “Are you telling me the truth? I need to know. If you tried to end your life, I need to know.”

  She can’t look me in the eye when she answers, “I’m telling the truth.” And there’s my answer. She’s still lying to me. I hang my head, floundering in the dark, not knowing what to do or say for the best, and then Campbell’s words replay in my head. Sometimes you need to do what’s best for someone, even if they hate you for it.

  “You’re lying to me. You’ve been lying to me for months. I want to be with you, Vittoria, but if you refuse to be honest with me, to be honest with yourself, then we need to end this now.” It seems like a heartless thing to say, but I’m clinging to the hope that her love for me is strong enough to force her to face up to what’s happened. To what she did.

  “I can’t lose you.”

  “Then tell me the truth. Did you try to kill yourself?”

  “Yes.” That single, solitary word, destroys me; my soul shattering into a million pieces.

  “Why?”

  “Because without ballet, I’m nothing. I’m worthless.”

  “Don’t ever say that to me again. I know you’ve lost something that you love, something that has defined you up until this point in your life, but to say that you are nothing without it, that you’re worthless - is an insult. I love you, Vittoria. More than I have ever loved anyone. Don’t you see? You could never be worthless, when you’re priceless to me. There are so many people who love you, who would have been devastated if you had succeeded in ending your life.” Saying the words make me feel sick to my stomach. I can’t even contemplate a reality in which she didn’t survive.

  “How can I make it right?”

  “It’s not about making it right. It’s about learning your own worth. Learning to love yourself. Knowing that you are important, that you are loved. I would have been here in a heartbeat, if only you had let me in. You didn’t have to go through this alone. No one should have to deal with what you’ve gone through in the past few months, completely alone. You’re one of the strongest women I know, but everyone, and I mean everyone, including me, has their limits. You may see me as strong, but if I’d lost you, it would have been more than I could bear. I need you. If I haven’t shown you that, then I am truly sorry, and I will spend every day of the rest of my life, making sure you know it, in your heart and in your soul.”

  She moves to kiss me, but stops short, almost nervous of my reaction. “I need you, too. I’m so sorry I pushed you away.”

  “Promise me you’ll talk to me from now on?”

  “I promise.”

  I lower my lips to hers, a chaste kiss, filled with all of my love and devotion. “I love you, Vittoria. I love you. I love you.” We stay in each other’s arms, silently clinging to the hope that we can make it through this, together.

  After a few hours together, I tell her that Carter is here in Budapest, but that he doesn’t know what happened. She’s angry at first, but I know I did the right thing telling him to come. She’s scared of how he’ll react. How do you tell the brother you look up to, that you idolize, something like this? She’s not strong enough to do it, and if I’m ever going to be worthy of the title ‘Master’ again, then I need to step up and do what needs to be done.

  “I’m going to tell him tonight. Then, he can come and see you tomorrow and you can talk.”

  “What if he hates me when he finds out?”

  “That will never happen. He loves you. He flew halfway around the world to be by your side. You need the love and support of your family. We have a long road ahead of us. You have to get through rehab and…”

  She cuts me off. “I’m not going to rehab.”

  “It’s not up for debate. The doctor says you need it, and I agree. You need counselling, and a chance at a clean slate. Whether you want to admit it or not, you’re a drug addict.” She starts to argue, but I’m not interested in her excuses. “Vittoria, this is a hard limit for me. You have to go to
rehab. I’ll take you back to the States, and you can go to a facility in New York where I can visit you every day. I’ve seen firsthand what addiction does to people, and I vowed never to have that in my life. My dad was a dealer. There was a constant stream of junkies on our doorstep, looking for their next fix. I was six years old the first time I saw someone overdose. It was brutal, and sad, and I can’t ever let that happen to you. My dad left when I was eight, and my mom ended up dating half his customers. The only saving grace was that she never started using. Addiction ruins people’s lives. It ruined my childhood, and I won’t sit back and let it ruin your life. You’re going to rehab and that’s the end of it. Do you understand me?”

  “Yes. I didn’t know.”

  “How could you? I never told you. I’ve never told anyone. I just need you to know that I can’t watch you destroy yourself like this.”

  “I’ll go to rehab. I’ll do anything to get my life back, to get back what we have.”

  “Good girl. I’ll talk to the doctors and find out when I can take you home. In the meantime, you need to rest, and I need to go and speak to Carter. I’ll bring him by in the morning.” I kiss her forehead. “And, don’t worry. He loves you, almost as much as I do. He just wants to see that you’re okay, and be here for you if you need him.”

  “Okay.”

  “I mean it, Tori. He loves you so much. He could never hate you. Now, get some rest, it’s late. I’ll be back first thing.” I have to force myself to walk away, to leave her, when everything inside of me wants to stay by her side, to never let her out of my sight again. But, I need to go and speak to Carter, and I already know that it’s going to be one of the toughest conversations of my life.