Endless - Manhattan Knights Series Book Three

by Sienna Parks

  I hold tight as she crumples in my arms, her body shaking as she sobs uncontrollably. I want to tell her that it’s all going to be okay, that it will get easier, but I can’t even speak. I just cling to her, battling my own grief; staving off the overwhelming emotions that are fighting their way to the surface. I have to keep it together until she leaves. I can’t and I won’t make this any harder on her.

  Carter steps down off the stage and into Addi’s arms, obviously upset, but trying to keep Vittoria from seeing just how devastated he is. The DJ restarts the music with something a little slower, the tone of the party calling for something more sedate. Thinking Out Loud by Ed Sheeran comes over the speakers, and I can’t imagine there being a more perfect song for us to share a last dance together.

  “Dance with me.” She doesn’t speak; she simply takes my hand and lets me lead her onto the dance floor, snaking her arms up around my neck, her head resting against my chest.

  As we sway to the music, I find myself singing the words to her; a declaration of my undying love, but as the lyrics sink in, and the gravity of the situation hits home, I can’t… I can’t keep singing. It seems fitting, that we are right back where we started, so long ago. Dancing to a song that speaks volumes of my feelings for the girl in my arms. Knowing that I’ll need to let her go when the night is over. We’ve come full circle together. From a stolen first kiss, to a heartbreaking last.

  “Take me home, Logan. Make love to me.”

  I have no words, but she doesn’t need them. She knows how I feel, and as I take her hand in mine and lead her out of the club and back to my apartment, the air between us crackles with electricity; the unspoken promise of an unforgettable night together.

  I didn’t sleep at all last night, and Vittoria only succumbed to her own exhaustion three hours ago. I know that she wanted to stay awake, to spend every possible moment with me, but in the end, it was too overwhelming.

  I thought our final night together would be frenzied, and fierce, but the reality was something so much more than that. When I brought her home from the party, we didn’t talk, we didn’t need to. I led her down the hallway of my apartment and into the playroom, our playroom. I watched as she stripped off her clothes, removing all barriers between us, before she did the same to me. It was slow, and sensual, and sexy as hell. I used every surface, every restraint, every toy in that room; teasing her, pleasing her, navigating that fine line between pleasure and pain with her, one last time. We made love, we fucked, we worshipped each other for hours, and it was the most amazing night of my life.

  It was everything you could ever want in a goodbye, but I can’t believe it’s actually here. That it’s happening. We have to leave for the airport in five minutes, and I’m just not ready to say goodbye. How do you say goodbye to the love of your life? Your reason for being?

  I grab her suitcases and watch as she takes in everything around her, memorizing every little detail of my apartment, of what has been our home together for the past nine months. Everywhere I look, I see her; little touches that turned my house into a home. Things that will remind me of her. She wipes the tears from her eyes, leaves her key on the table by the door, and walks out, unable to look back, overcome with emotion.

  It feels like a death march as we make our way to the car in silence, and the drive to the airport is so devastatingly quiet, Vittoria clinging to my hand, her knuckles protruding with the force she’s exerting; me driving slower than I ever have, just delaying the inevitable. The mood is somber, a physical weight bearing down on us, around us, between us. I’ve never felt so helpless, and hopeless.

  When we reach the airport, I park in the furthest away lot, giving myself every possible minute I can get with her. I keep her tucked under my arm, pressed close to my side as we slowly make our way into the terminal. I have to let her go to the desk for check in, and as I wait for her, my mind is racing to find any way out of this. Could I just leave my life behind, my business, all of the bands that depend on me for their livelihood? Could I be that selfish, and follow my heart to wherever Vittoria is? Even if I could, it would take at least a year for me to get all my affairs in order, and then what would I do? We’ve tried the long-distance thing in the past, and it didn’t work. It almost tore us apart, and it almost killed Vittoria. I couldn’t risk that again. I know she’s much stronger now, and she doesn’t need me the way she used to, but she deserves someone that can be there for her, and as much as it kills me to think of her with another Dom, I can’t expect her to wait around on the off chance that we could make it work in a year, maybe longer. She’s already put her life on hold in so many ways, over the years. Now is her time, to live life to the fullest, and only for herself.

  I’m lost in my own thoughts when her hand brushes my arm. “That’s me checked in. They told me I need to go through to the gate now, they’re going to start boarding in twenty minutes.” Her voice is strained, her eyes welling with tears. “I thought I would have more time… that we would have more time. I’m not ready. I can’t do this.”

  I clasp her delicate, flawless face in my hands, willing myself to remember every single detail of her exquisite features. The way her eyelashes kiss her cheeks when she blinks, the warm velvet brown of her eyes, the way her full lips twitch when I’m near. “Vittoria, listen to me. You can do this. You’re the strongest woman I know. You’ve been through so much, and you’re still one of the sweetest, most caring, giving, and loving people I’ve ever met. The way you feel everything with such intensity, isn’t a flaw or a weakness. It’s your greatest strength. Never forget that.”

  “But what if the depression comes back? I’ll be alone, and what if I can’t cope?”

  “Take a deep breath.” She does as I ask; my obedient submissive until the very end. “You know that depression is something that you might have to fight for the rest of your life. There are going to be highs and lows, and you have the tools to deal with it. That’s what we’ve been working towards all these months. You know that hurting yourself, or using, will never be the answer.” I lean in and give her the lightest of kisses before I continue. “And you won’t be alone, baby. You have Luca, and you have family there. You’ll make friends quickly, because to know you is to love you. And Vittoria… it’s really important that you remember this… if you feel like you can’t cope, and that you have no one to turn to that understands… I will always be here for you. I will always love you, and no matter what happens, and how much time passes, in my heart, you will always be mine. You’re the love of my life, and you will forever be, my Nyx.”

  She throws herself into my arms, crawling up my body as if she can somehow attach herself to me. “I don’t want this, Logan. I don’t want to go. I want to stay here with you.”

  It takes every ounce of strength I have, not to agree with her. Not to walk out of here with her in my arms. “I know it feels like that now, but you need to remember how excited you felt when this opportunity was offered to you. It’s a once in a lifetime chance, and you have to take it.”

  “You’re a once in a lifetime chance, Logan. We’re a once in a lifetime kind of love.”

  She’s breaking my heart, and I will never recover. “I will never be a once in a lifetime chance for you, Vittoria. You have my heart, today, tomorrow, forty years from now. It’s yours. I love you with everything that I have, and everything that I am, and that’s why I need to let you go. You need to do this, or you’ll always look back with regret, wondering what your life could have been like if you’d been brave enough to grab it with both hands.”

  “I… but I love you.”

  “I love you, too.” I claim her lips one last time, pouring all the love I feel for her, into this kiss. Our final goodbye. The taste of her lips and the feel of her tongue caressing my own, will forever be ingrained in my memory. “You’re going to miss your flight if you don’t go now.”

  Her eyes are red, tears coursing down her cheeks as she struggles to gain composure. “I can’t walk away from yo
u.”

  “Then, I’ll do it for you. As much as I don’t want to. It will be the last thing I do for you as your Master. Turn around, and don’t look back. I’m going to leave now, and you are going to get on that plane, and go and start a new amazing life, full of all the happiness and love that you deserve. I’m so honored to have been your Dominant, Vittoria de Rossi, but I need to let you go now. Goodbye, Nyx.” I give her one last kiss, one final embrace, before turning her to face the gate, and then, I do the hardest thing I’ve ever done. I put one foot in front of the other, and I walk away; her sobs echoing in my ears, her words ripping my heart open.

  “I love you, Master Fitzgerald. I always have. I always will.”

  I feel the distance growing between us, like a physical tether being stretched to its limit, before it finally snaps, and it’s gone. She’s gone, and my life destroyed. I am a man set adrift, lost and alone in a sea of thousands. Turning around, I torture myself with one last glimpse of her, and as I see her disappear around the corner into the departure gates, I can’t hold back anymore. I let all of the emotion I’ve been holding inside, come flooding out.

  “Fuck!” My eyes are clouded with unshed tears, as I shove my way through the crowds. “What the fuck have I done?” I pick up the pace, fighting to outrun my desolation, feeling claustrophobic all of a sudden, and unable to catch my breath. When I finally burst through the doors, out into the fresh air, I struggle to draw breath, gasping to try and fill my lungs, and when it finally comes, it’s painful. Every inch of my body hurts. Craving her, needing her, wanting her so badly I feel like my heart has been torn from my chest. I need a way to release at least some of this all-consuming despair. I start punching the pillar in front of me, over and over until my knuckles bleed, shouting until my voice is hoarse. “Fuck! Fuck! Fuck!”

  “Logan Fitzgerald. What the hell are you doing?”

  I turn to face her, stunned and defeated. “You have got to be fucking kidding me!” I’m yelling to the heavens, to the universe, to give me a fucking break. She’s the last person I want to see.

  “Well, that’s a lovely way to greet your mother. The airport seems to be the only place I run into you these days. I see your temper is as… fierce as ever.” She’s staring down at my blood-soaked hands, and that’s when it dawns on me. I’m not angry with her anymore.

  “You know what, Mom? Yes. I’m upset and I lashed out. I’ve just put the woman I love on a plane, and she’s never coming back. But, you know what, she taught me something – a lot of things actually.”

  “And what would that be?”

  Her dismissive tone and snide sneer don’t deter me, today. If I keep anything else bottled up right now, I’m pretty sure I’ll have a heart attack, or a stroke. “I don’t blame you for what happened to me. I made a decision to protect you, because I love you. You hate me for loving you too much? That’s your issue, not mine. I’ve spent years being angry with you for ruining my chance at a career in music, but it wasn’t your fault. You were dealt a shitty hand in life, and you coped the only way you knew how. If I could go back, I would do it again. I would defend you, because no woman deserves to be treated that way. You’re my mom, and I love you. I always will. So, if you want to stay angry at me for what you believe I did wrong, I can’t change that, but I’m not going to waste any more of my time hating you. I found a way to move past it and still be involved in music. I love what I do, and I’m really fucking good at it.”

  “Logan. I don’t… I never…” She doesn’t deal well with emotions. “You’re rambling like a crazy person in public, dear.” She fidgets with her purse, unable to have a real, honest moment with her own son. I shouldn’t have expected anything less.

  “I need to get out of here, Mom. I’m sorry you can’t see what’s right in front of you. But, I’m done feeling bad about it. Love me, don’t love me. Hate me, don’t hate me. I’m done. Goodbye.”

  I walk away, and she doesn’t try to stop me. She doesn’t say a word, but as I make my way to my car, I feel like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders. I’ve watched Vittoria face her fears, and her demons, over the past nine months, but never once, have I faced my own. She’s the reason I was able to do that today. To say how I felt, and let it go, once and for all. I guess it should give me some small comfort, but it only highlights what I’ve lost. The one person in the world who truly understood me, and who loved me anyway.

  I never thought that my life would take this turn. I thought that we would spend the rest of our lives together. I pictured the white picket fence, a ring on her finger, maybe even kids one day; things I never thought I wanted, until her; things I’ll never have without her.

  I’ve heard the saying, ‘sometimes love just isn’t enough,’ so many times, in movies, in books, in life. But, I don’t know if I agree with that. After everything I went through with Vittoria, I firmly believe that love is enough, but I also believe that life is full of twists and turns and curveballs, and sometimes when you love someone with every fiber of your being… you need to let them go and find what makes them happy, even if it makes you unhappy. I will always love Vittoria; I will always be in love with her, and I’ll always do what’s best for her, even when it takes her away from me.

  I guess the clichéd saying that I can relate to is, ‘better to have loved and lost, than never to have loved at all.’ Loving Vittoria de Rossi, and being loved by her, even for a short time, was worth the pain I feel, and will continue to feel at her loss. I hope that she finds happiness in her new life. That she finds love and passion and adventure. I only wish I could have been a part of it.

  As I drive out of the airport, the smell of Vittoria’s perfume lingering in the air around me, I don’t know where I’m going. I can’t go back to my apartment. Everything in it, reminds me of her, so I decide to just keep driving. I don’t know what the future holds for me, but wherever it takes me, I know that no matter where she is, and no matter how much time passes, my heart will always lie with her, my goddess… my Nyx.

  It’s been a year since Vittoria left for Florence, and nothing has been the same since I convinced her to take a chance and follow a new dream. I know I did the right thing for her, but I’ve regretted it every moment of every day since. I miss her more than words could express, and I’ve questioned my decision every night as I lie awake, alone in the silence of my empty apartment; my empty life.

  We kept in touch for the first few months, emailing and texting, and the occasional phone call. She needed some guidance on the tough days; a stern voice to assure her that she was strong enough to adjust and learn to love her new life. It broke my heart to hear her doubting herself; telling me how much she missed me; how much she still loved me. But, as the weeks went by and she settled into a routine, our communication became less and less, until it stopped altogether. Not because we cared any less, but because the distance between us hadn’t altered our feelings for each other in the slightest. They were stronger than ever, and it made it almost unbearable to function so far apart.

  I remember the day it happened, when we both came to the realization that we could never move on with our lives if we continued to rely on each other across the continents. I want her to be happy, and I was holding her back. I am her past, and she had to start focusing on her future, no matter how much it pained me. We were talking on the phone that night, and I could hear it in her voice, in the way she said goodbye; defeated and deflated, she knew that I had to let her go. That she had to let me go. To allow her to spread her wings and fly again. She lost so much of herself when she injured her ankle, and I know that I helped her find her way back. I forced her to fight for her life, to face her demons and let go of the past; to be happy again. But, I knew there was a void that I could never fill. I just hope beyond hope, that she’s found what she needed, what she craved.

  I often hear Carter and Addi talking about how she’s doing, and the projects she’s working on. They try to minimize what they say in front of me, but she’s a huge p
art of their lives, and I told them a long time ago that I don’t want them to censor anything around me. I want to know about her, even if it throws me right back to the moment that she left; the moment that I sent her away. I hope that by now she’s moved on, because I know firsthand how devastating it can be when you can’t. I haven’t, and I feel like a little piece of me dies, with every day that passes. As my life twists and turns in the opposite direction to hers, I spiral further and further out of control. I don’t want that for her.

  From the little I know, she seems to be getting closer to Luca. It’s good for her to have someone that obviously loves and understands her, but I can’t say that it makes me happy. It devastates me. I can’t imagine her ever being with someone else, and having what we shared. It was so profound; I have to believe that our type of love only comes along once. That maybe she can find happiness with him, but that some small part of her, will always belong to me. That she will always keep a little piece of me in her heart.

  Carter and Xander have been on me since the moment she left, to give up the studio space I rented for her in Xander’s building, but I just can’t. I’m not ready to let it go. If I do, it’s like I’m letting go of her. They finally convinced me last week to at least sublet the space, so I’ve hired a realtor to find someone, but I don’t want to think about it being used for something and someone other than Vittoria. When I first saw it, I felt like it was meant for her, for our future together. It just goes to show how life can throw you for a loop. Maybe at some point, I’ll be able to let it go completely, but for now, subletting is the best solution.