The Book of Fate

by Parinoush Saniee

  Despite their initial objections, Ladan’s family finally gave in to my determination and agreed to a long engagement. I was certain their concerns were not because of any religious beliefs; they simply wanted to make certain the marriage would take place. They decided to have an elaborate engagement party so that everyone in their large family could meet the future groom and they set the date for the following week. I couldn’t hide the issue any more. I had to let everyone know. But how was I going to tell Faati, Firouzeh and Sadegh Agha?

  One morning, I went to see Faati and started talking about fate, destiny and God’s will. She listened for a while, then looked at me with suspicion and asked, ‘Sister, what is going on? What are you trying to tell me?’

  ‘You know, I always dreamed of coming here one day to talk about Firouzeh and to ask for her hand for Massoud. But God doesn’t seem to want that to happen.’

  Faati’s face darkened and she said, ‘I’ve had a feeling that something is going on. Now tell me, is it God that doesn’t want it or is it you?’

  ‘How can you say such a thing? I love Firouzeh more than I love Shirin. This was my greatest wish and I always considered it a done deal. But I don’t know why this boy has suddenly lost his mind and fallen in love. He stubbornly says, “I want her,” and he forced me to go ask for the girl’s hand. And now they are getting engaged.’

  I saw Firouzeh’s shadow. She was standing frozen in the doorway, holding the tea tray. Faati ran and took the tray from her. Firouzeh stared at me with eyes that silently asked, Why? Her face was filled with disappointment and sorrow, but slowly, shades of anger and insult appeared as well. Then she turned around and ran to her room.

  ‘Ever since she was a child, you went around saying Firouzeh belongs to Massoud,’ Faati said angrily. ‘And they always had such a wonderful relationship with each other. You cannot tell me Massoud did not like her.’

  ‘He did, very much, and he still does. But he says his feelings for her are fraternal.’

  Faati laughed and walked out of the living room. I knew there was a lot she wanted to say, but she was holding her tongue out of respect for me. I followed her to the kitchen.

  ‘My dear, you have every right to be angry,’ I said. ‘I am losing my mind over this. All I have managed to do is to delay the ridiculous wedding. They are supposed to stay engaged for a year and I am hoping this boy’s eyes will open.’

  ‘Well, he has fallen in love and hopefully they will have a happy life. And you shouldn’t be like a nasty mother-in-law and hope for their separation even before they have got engaged.’

  ‘But, Faati, you don’t know,’ I sighed. ‘If they had just one thing in common, I wouldn’t feel so terrible. You cannot imagine how different they are. I am not saying she is a bad girl, but she is not for us. You will come and see for yourself. As a matter of fact, I would appreciate your opinion. Perhaps I have misjudged her because I was against it from the start. But I am very good; I don’t say anything. Shirin, on the other hand, refuses to even look at the girl. If Massoud ever hears the things she says about her, he will never speak our names again and I will lose him for ever.’

  ‘Well, she must have some good qualities for Massoud to want her so much,’ Faati said. ‘And after all, he is the one who has to like her.’

  ‘Do you want me to talk to Firouzeh?’ I asked her. ‘You can’t imagine how terrible I feel for her.’

  Faati shrugged and said, ‘She may not be in the mood to talk.’

  ‘At worst, she will throw me out of her room. It doesn’t matter.’

  I knocked softly and opened the door a little. Firouzeh was lying on her bed. Her blue eyes were red and her face was wet with tears. She turned her back to me so that I wouldn’t see her face. My heart ached. I couldn’t stand to see that sweet girl cry. I sat on the edge of the bed and caressed her.

  ‘Massoud doesn’t deserve you,’ I said. ‘Mark my words, he will regret this. The only loser here is him. I don’t know why after all the pain and hardship he has suffered, God doesn’t want him to have a quiet and happy life. All I hoped for was for you to be the one to create that life for him. Too bad he didn’t deserve it.’

  Her delicate shoulders were shaking, but she didn’t speak. I knew the pain of being defeated in love. I got up and went home feeling tired and broken.

  From our family, Mother, Faati, Sadegh Khan, Massoud’s aunts and Mrs Parvin attended the engagement party. Massoud, handsome as ever and dressed in an elegant suit and tie, was standing next to Ladan who had just come from the hair salon. She was wearing a lace dress and had lace flowers in her hair.

  ‘Fabulous!’ Shirin scoffed. ‘Look at the groom. Didn’t he used to say he hates ties because they are like a leash? What happened? She put the leash on him this easily? Oh, if only his colleagues at the ministry could see him now!’

  I tried to look happy and excited, but the truth was that I wasn’t feeling at all well. I thought, What dreams I had for Massoud’s wedding. I always imagined it would be one of the best nights of my life. And now… Shirin was being very surly and complained about everything. Every time someone congratulated the young couple and wished them happiness, she turned away and said, ‘Yuck!’ I kept telling her she was being rude and for Massoud’s sake she should stop, but she ignored me. When Ladan’s family insisted that the groom’s sister perform what they called the ‘knife dance’ and deliver the cake knife to Ladan while dancing, Shirin refused and indignantly said, ‘I hate these antics.’

  Massoud was glaring at us. I didn’t know what to do.

  Barely three months after the engagement party, Firouzeh married. Apparently I was the last person to be told about her impending wedding. I knew she had many suitors, but I didn’t think she would get married that soon. I went to see her.

  ‘My dear, why so fast?’ I asked. ‘Give yourself some time to grow to like someone in peace and with an open mind, someone who will value a precious gem like you.’

  ‘No, Auntie,’ she said with a bitter laugh. ‘I will never again fall in love like that. I gave my parents the authority to select whomever they thought suitable. Of course, I don’t dislike Sohrab. He is a good and sensible man. I think over time I will forget the past and grow to like him a lot.’

  ‘Yes, of course,’ I said. And I thought, But this flame in your heart will never extinguish. ‘Still, I wish you had waited a year or so. I don’t think that engagement will last. There are already signs of discord.’

  ‘No, Auntie. Even if Massoud comes right now, falls at my feet, ends his engagement and asks for my hand, I will turn him down. Something in my heart and the idol I had built of him are both broken. It would never be like before.’

  ‘You are right and I am sorry for what I said. I really didn’t mean anything by it. But you don’t know how I wished you would be my daughter-in-law.’

  ‘Please, Auntie. Enough! I wish you had never said these things to me. They are the reason I am so unhappy. From the day I opened my eyes in this world I saw myself as your daughter-in-law and Massoud’s wife. And now I feel like a wife whose husband has cheated on her in front of her eyes, when in fact poor Massoud hasn’t done anything wrong. We had no commitments to each other and he has the right to decide his own future and choose the woman he loves. It was all your talk that created a false illusion in me.’

  Fortunately, Sohrab was a kind, wise, well-educated and handsome man. He came from a cultured family and was studying in France. A month after their wedding, the young couple left for Paris. Together with Faati and the rest of the family, I bade them farewell with a heavy heart and tearful eyes and wished them everlasting happiness.

  Ladan and Massoud’s engagement lasted only seven months. Massoud was like someone who had suddenly woken up from a deep sleep.

  ‘We had nothing to talk about!’ he said. ‘I would talk for hours about architecture, art, religion and culture but Ladan, who had expressed so much interest in the beginning, wasn’t interested in any of it. All she thoug
ht about was clothes and hair and make-up. She wasn’t even interested in any sports. And you can’t imagine how shallow her thoughts and ideas were. The only time she paid any attention was when there was talk about money. They were strange people. They were willing to forgo food on the table, accept any disgrace and go into debt, as long as they could show up at some party wearing a dress no one had seen them in before. Their notion of respectability and reputation was worlds apart from what we are accustomed to.’

  I finally breathed a sigh of relief, but I was terribly sorry that we had lost precious Firouzeh, especially since I could already sense Massoud’s regret. I think Firouzeh’s marriage was the first of several blows that finally woke him up, but it was too late.

  Massoud again drowned himself in work, his relationship with Shirin was restored, and our home regained its former peace and warmth. But Massoud still blamed himself for having hurt me and wanted to somehow make up for it.

  One day he came home and excitedly said, ‘Good news! Your problem is resolved.’

  ‘My problem? I don’t have a problem!’ I said.

  ‘I mean your problem with the university. I know how much you always dreamed of finishing your bachelor’s degree and continuing your studies. I will never forget the look on your face the day they expelled you. I talked to a few people, including the head of the Department of Literature; we served in the army together. He has agreed for you to take the few credits you need to receive your degree. Then you can apply for the master’s degree programme. And knowing you, you will probably get your doctorate degree, too.’

  Conflicting thoughts rushed through my mind. I certainly had no hunger left for that piece of paper.

  ‘I used to have a classmate named Mahnaz,’ I said. ‘She had a favourite saying that she wrote in fine handwriting on a sheet of paper and pinned it to the wall. “All I ever desired I reached when I no longer desired it.”’

  ‘What? You mean you don’t want your degree?’

  ‘No, my dear, I’m sorry you wasted your time.’

  ‘But why?’

  ‘For years they denied me my right. The least of the losses I suffered because of them was not being able to receive the increase in salary that I so desperately needed during those difficult years. And now, with a thousand pleas and by pulling strings, they have agreed to do me a favour!… No. I don’t want it. Today, I am known for my knowledge and expertise, and for my editing work I get paid the same amount that someone with a PhD would receive. No one asks to see my degrees any more. Even the mention of it makes me laugh.

  ‘Besides, the way these people give away degrees and titles, they have lost their value for me. I wanted to achieve something on my own merit, not through charity.’

  That year, Shirin was accepted in the university. She wanted to study sociology. I was happy and proud that all three of my children had got a university education. Shirin quickly found new friends. And I, wanting to keep an eye on her associations from a distance, encouraged her to have their gatherings at our home. I felt safer that way. Over time, I got to know her friends and our apartment turned into a regular hang-out for them. Although their presence interfered with my work, broke my concentration and quiet, and I had to do more cooking and cleaning, I was pleased and did it all willingly.

  Two years later, in early winter Parvaneh’s and my first grandchild was born. I went to Germany to be there for the birth of the beautiful and charming baby girl that Siamak and Lili named Dorna. Parvaneh and I fussed over her and constantly argued about whom she most resembled. Although I was now a grandmother, the happiness and joy I experienced made me feel younger and livelier than I had felt for the previous ten years.

  Dorna was two months old and tearing myself away from her was difficult, but I wanted to return to Iran for the new year. I didn’t want to leave Shirin and Massoud alone for much longer.

  Back home, I quickly noticed that something had changed. Among Shirin’s friends there was a young man I had not seen before. Shirin introduced him as Faramarz Abdollahi and said he was a post-graduate student at the university. I greeted him and said, ‘Welcome to the fold of these great sociologists, but can you put up with them?’

  He laughed and said, ‘With great difficulty!’

  I looked at him with curiosity.

  ‘Oh, Faramarz, are you making fun of us?’ Shirin chided him coyly.

  ‘Of course not, my lady! You are the crown we wear with pride.’

  Shirin giggled and I said to myself, I see!

  After everyone left, Shirin asked me what I thought about her friends.

  ‘I already know most of them and they haven’t changed since the last time I saw them,’ I said.

  ‘But what did you think about the ones you had not met before?’

  ‘The tall girl who was sitting on the sofa; she is new, isn’t she?’

  ‘Yes. Her name is Negin and the guy who was sitting next to her is her fiancé. They are really good kids. They are getting married next month; we are all invited.’

  ‘That’s wonderful, they suit each other.’

  ‘Well, what about the other ones?’ Shirin persisted.

  ‘What other ones? Who else was new to your group?’

  I knew all those questions were her roundabout way of finding out what I thought about Faramarz, but I enjoyed teasing her.

  Finally, she got fed up and snapped, ‘You mean you didn’t notice a man that big?’

  ‘They are all big. Which one are you referring to?’

  ‘I mean Faramarz!’ she said, exasperated. ‘He was admiring you. He said, “Your mother is so beautiful. She must have been a knockout when she was young.”’

  I laughed and said, ‘What a lovely young man!’

  ‘That’s it? That’s all you have to say about him?’

  ‘How could I possibly have an opinion about someone I barely exchanged two words with? Why don’t you tell me about him and I will see if his character matches his appearance.’

  ‘What do you want me to say?’

  ‘Whatever you know about him; even things you may think are irrelevant.’

  ‘He is the second of three children, he is twenty-seven and he is very well educated. His mother is a teacher and his father is a civil engineer and travels most of the time. He works for his father’s firm.’

  ‘But that doesn’t match what he is studying,’ I said. ‘Isn’t he in the Department of Sociology?’

  ‘No! I told you, he is in the Department of Technology.’

  ‘Then what is he doing in your group? Where did you meet him?’

  ‘He is best friends with Soroush, Negin’s fiancé. They were always together and we used to see him often. He officially joined our group around the time you went to Germany.’

  ‘All right. Tell me more.’

  ‘What else can I tell you?’

  ‘You only gave me some general information. Now tell me about his character.’

  ‘How would I know?’

  ‘What do you mean?’ I asked. ‘Did you become his friend because he is the second of three children, his mother is a teacher, his father is an engineer and he’s in the Department of Technology?’

  ‘Mum, it’s impossible to talk to you! You make it sound as if he is my boyfriend.’

  ‘Well, he may be, but I’m not concerned about that. For now, I am more interested in knowing what kind of a person he is.’

  ‘You are not concerned?’ Shirin asked surprised. ‘You mean it would be all right with you if we are very close?’

  ‘Look, soon you will be twenty-one and an adult. I trust you and I trust the way I raised you. I know you don’t lack any love in your life to blindly fall for the first gesture of affection. You know what your rights are and you will not let anyone violate them, you respect religious and social norms, you are smart and sensible, and you have foresight. I know you will not give in to whim and impulse.’

  ‘Really? Is that how you see me?’ she asked.

  ‘Of course! Sometim
es, you think and make decisions more rationally than I do, and you can control your emotions better than I can.’

  ‘Are you serious?’

  ‘Why do you doubt yourself? Maybe your feelings are so strong that you worry they may affect your judgment,’ I said.

  ‘Oh, yes! You have no idea how scared I am.’

  ‘That’s good. It shows that your brain is still working.’

  ‘Honestly, I don’t know what to do.’

  ‘Do you have to do anything?’

  ‘Don’t I?’

  ‘No. The only thing you have to do is study, plan your future and get to know yourself and him much better.’

  ‘But I can’t stop thinking about him,’ Shirin said. ‘I want to see him more, to spend more time with him…’