Lessons in Love

by Carlyle, Clarissa

  Alex was in the middle of lacing up her shoes when her cell phone vibrated loudly on the bench beside her. Surprised, she checked it. The only person to usually text her during school hours was Claire and she was standing right beside her. Alex felt her heart flutter when she realized that she’d received a message from Mark.

  Without realizing, she turned crimson and tried to discreetly read the contents of the message.

  Can you come to my office after practice? I have a surprise for you :) x

  Alex had no idea what the surprise could be, but she was giddy with excitement at the thought of finding out.

  “You texting a guy?” Claire asked with sudden interest when she spied the coy smile that had spread across Alex’s face.

  “What?” Alex looked up in shamed surprise.

  “Or are you sexting them?” Claire continued to pry, her eyes wide with intrigue. “Come on, spill, who is it?”

  Alex could feel a number of eyes upon her as she sat nervously on the bench, her cell phone gripped tightly in her hand. She knew that she had to say something or else she risked them snatching her phone and ruining everything. If there was one thing she had learned, it was that girls could be vicious in their pursuit of gossip.

  “It’s just some guy I met.” Alex shrugged nonchalantly.

  “Tell me more!” Claire demanded eagerly.

  “There isn’t much to tell. He’s a bit older, and I’m just getting to know him.”

  “Ooh—an older man, I love it!” Claire beamed.

  “See, Claire, you’re totally off the hook for getting with Jeff since Alex has already found herself a mystery man,” Sophie said spitefully from across the room, where she was covering herself in a mist of cheap perfume.

  Claire looked pained by the comment and averted her eyes to the floor.

  “Hey, how are things with Jeff?” Alex asked brightly, wanting to reassure her teammate that she was pleased about their blossoming romance.

  “They’re good.” Claire nodded overenthusiastically. “He can just be a bit, you know, distant. But then, he’s a guy, and guys are like that.”

  Before Alex could offer any words of comfort, the team began filing out of the changing room, ready for practice.

  ****

  After an hour of jumps, shouts and splits, Alex’s hair was still immaculate; this was more a reflection of how much hair spray she used than anything else. The girls all filtered back into the changing room, but Alex hung back. A part of her wanted Mark to see her in her uniform. After all, most men fantasized about being with a cheerleader. As dangerous as their flirtation was, she wanted him to see her as alluring, not just a friend. She still wasn’t sure exactly where they stood with one another.

  “I’ll be right back,” Alex called to her teammates as she began to backtrack towards the school.

  “I forgot my math book!” She turned and ran before anyone could reply, into the school and the ghostly empty hallways. It always unnerved her how her footsteps echoed when the halls were empty. It reminded her of the generic scenes in horror films, where the victim is helplessly running around, waiting to hear the ominous, methodical footsteps of the killer just inches behind her.

  Alex burst into her math classroom, causing Mark to look up from his desk in surprise. She loitered momentarily by the door, wanting him to take in the full view of her in her uniform, but disappointingly he seemed disinterested. He looked up briefly from his laptop and smiled at her.

  “Thanks for coming over. Is practice finished already?”

  “It’s only an hour,” Alex answered, struggling to catch her breath after her run over.

  “Okay, well, I wanted to talk to you about something.”

  “Okay…” Alex eyed him uneasily.

  “Take a seat,” Mark instructed, and Alex pulled herself behind a nearby desk as elegantly as she could.

  “I wanted to discuss something.” Mark was in teacher mode. His tone was formal and lacked warmth, which made Alex feel panicked and on edge.

  “Oh?” Alex braced herself.

  “Don’t be mad at me or say I’m out of line. I’m doing this because it’s in your best interest,” Mark explained.

  Alex tried to hide her despair. He was blatantly going to tell her that they couldn’t hang out together anymore. That there was too much risk involved. All his talk of helping her find her old self had been merely a lie. Alex had lost the only man she’d ever trusted; she’d been foolish to believe she could trust another man again.

  “Just have a look, and let me know what you think.” Mark pulled a stack of papers from behind him and placed them on Alex’s desk. “And think before you say anything, I mean really think.”

  Glancing down, Alex was shocked to see an application pack for Princeton. Her breath caught in her chest as she remembered how her father had dreamt of sending her there.

  “One day I’ll get to see my little girl go to Princeton,” he had told her, smiling broadly. “And that will be the proudest day of my life.”

  Tears fell down Alex’s cheeks as the memory played out in her mind. She pushed the papers away without even looking through them.

  “Alexandra, please, at least think about it,” Mark pleaded. “You’re such a talented student. I truly believe that you could get on the scholarship program. Going somewhere like Princeton would change your whole life.”

  Alex was silent. The pain of losing her father was burning afresh within her, blurring her thoughts and making her lip tremble. It had always been his dream for her to attend Princeton, and so by default she had adopted the dream as her own. But like so many things, after his death it lost all meaning. She’d only ever wanted to attend Princeton to make him happy. Now, without him here to see the achievement, what did it matter? What did anything matter? Alex held her head in her hands.

  “I know it’s scary to go after something like this,” Mark told her softly, perching beside her desk so they were at eye level.

  “For so long you have denied yourself… you’ve denied your dreams and goals. And if you keep doing it, you’re close to reaching the point where you won’t be able to undo it all, and you’ll be left with an uncertain future based on an adolescence of bad decisions. And you deserve better than that.”

  Mark gently nudged the application package back towards Alex, and she lifted her eyes to glance at it.

  Even the cover was impressive, bearing the Princeton logo and displaying the historic buildings on campus. It excited her to be so close to something related to the college. She hated to admit it, but she’d never stopped dreaming of going there, she had just resigned herself to the fact that it wouldn’t happen. She didn’t want to raise her hopes about attending only to have them dashed by failure.

  Alex feared rejection. She feared all negative experiences and had vowed to avoid them for the rest of her life, even if that meant living a life of mediocrity. It would be better than having to hurt again.

  “I’d never get in,” Alex objected to the proposition with a lump in her throat.

  “I think you could,” Mark told her confidently, resting his hand upon her own. This time she didn’t shudder with desire at the connection; instead, she felt comforted.

  “I’ve been too poor a student for too long,” Alex said dismally. “I’ve had terrible grades for the past four years, my GPA sucks. No decent college would ever take me.”

  “I admit that you wouldn’t be their usual candidate.” Mark nodded. “But you’ve got four months to work hard, raise up all your grades, take the SATs, and prove your worth. With the right admission letter, you’ve got a great case on your hands.”

  “A pity case,” Alex snapped tersely.

  “So what it if it’s a pity case?” Mark countered. “Losing your father, especially like you did, was unbelievably dramatic and painful, and no one would begrudge you taking four years to find yourself and get over it all. And perhaps they would take you partly as a pity case, but so what? If it got you into Princeton, then that
’s all that matters. Life is so often learning to play with the cards you’ve been dealt. You were given a bad hand, but in some situations you can use that to your advantage.”

  “You’re suggesting I exploit my father’s death for my own gain?” Alex sounded repulsed by the suggestion.

  “No, not at all,” Mark instantly corrected her. “I’m suggesting you stop denying that it happened and start embracing your true self and your true reality. It’s not too late to find the old Alexandra Heron and try to reach your true potential.”

  Alex was silent for a moment before she opened the application package and scanned the opening page. There were an awful lot of requirements, and she felt momentarily daunted by the mountain that suddenly stood before her. She wondered if she even had the strength to climb it.

  “You really think I’ve got a chance?” she asked Mark dubiously.

  “Absolutely!” he told her confidently, and his belief in her started to rub off slightly as Alex allowed herself to believe that she could actually achieve this.

  “It will be a lot of work,” Mark warned. “A lot of extracurricular work for all of your classes. You’d also need to see the school counselor and let other faculty members know your situation.”

  Alex nodded along to all of this, feeling they were reasonable requirements.

  “And you’d need to quit cheerleading.” Mark dealt her the final blow.

  “Quit cheerleading?” Alex felt panicked by the prospect. Being a cheerleader defined her at Woodsdale High. Without being head cheerleader, she would be nothing.

  “You just won’t have the time to practice or attend games,” Mark explained.

  Alex glanced down at her uniform and wrapped her arms around herself protectively.

  “You need to see the bigger picture,” Mark urged her. “I know how important you think it is to fit in right now, but in four months school will be over, you’ll graduate and no longer be a cheerleader but have nothing else waiting for you.”

  He was right. Alex knew he was right. As much as it terrified her, Alex knew it was time she put her costume away and finally looked after her real self.

  “Whatever I need to do, I’ll do it,” she told Mark sincerely.

  “You won’t regret it.” Mark smiled fondly at her.

  “I hope not.” Alex sighed, looking at the cheerleading uniform that she would soon be retiring.

  ****

  “You cannot be serious!” Claire cried, her face contorting in utter despair as though she had just been told that the world would be imminently ending.

  “It’s just for a while,” Alex answered, keeping her eyes locked to the ground to avoid Claire’s despairing looks.

  “I don’t understand. How can he make you do this?” Claire asked in disbelief.

  The girls were sitting beneath a tree, sheltering from the afternoon sunshine. Around them various students were sprawled out on the grass. Some enjoying a passionate embrace, others listening to music, some even studying.

  Alex and Claire sat side by side beneath a large oak. Alex had waited until lunch period to tell her the dramatic news that, for a while at least, she wouldn’t be cheering.

  “It’s punishment for cheating,” Alex offered by way of explanation as she began tugging at tufts of grass near her feet, desperate for a distraction from the tense situation.

  “So did he say?”

  “Just that he knew I’d cheated. As punishment I have to quit the squad or else I might not be allowed to graduate.”

  “That is utterly horrific.” Claire shook her head in displeasure.

  “Oh, I also have to attend a load of after-school classes to raise my grades,” Alex quickly added.

  “What?” Claire was outraged. “These are your last months as a senior! You’re supposed to be going to parties, having fun and relaxing, not working even harder!”

  “I know.”

  “Jeez, I thought Mr. Simmons was okay, but he’s obviously a total douche.” Claire seethed.

  “Yep.”

  Alex told herself that this would be the final set of lies. That once she graduated Woodsdale and started college, she could be Alexandra Heron again. No more pretending, no more hiding her true self.

  “Well, we need to hold an emergency meeting,” Claire said decisively. “The rest of the squad needs to know.”

  “Yeah, I guess they do.” Alex nodded in agreement.

  “They won’t like it,” Claire warned.

  “I know.”

  “Any thoughts on who you will appoint as replacement captain?” Claire asked, her voice suddenly light and hopeful.

  “Interim captain, until my grades improve,” Alex corrected her. In reality, she had no intention to rejoin the squad, but she didn’t want any of her teammates to know that. As long as they thought that at any moment she could resume her post as captain, she wouldn’t lose the power or social standing associated with the role.

  “Will you appoint at the meeting?” Claire pressed.

  “Claire,” Alex sighed, her voice heavy with regret, “I know how badly you want captain, but you know that protocol dictates that it has to go to the vice-captain.”

  “Urgh, I cannot imagine taking orders from her.”

  “I know it’ll be tough, but it won’t be for long.” Alex tried to shed some light on the situation.

  “It better not be!” Claire protested.

  “It won’t be.” Alex smiled sweetly.

  “Okay, well, I’ll rally the team for an emergency meeting after school,” Claire offered helpfully.

  “Thanks,” Alex replied gratefully.

  “See you later.”

  ****

  Alex knocked tentatively on the door to her math classroom before entering. Mark sat behind his desk, his tie loosened as the school day had now drawn to a close.

  “Hey.” He threw a welcoming smile towards Alex. “Ready to study?”

  It was set to be their first tutoring session in the marathon that Alex was now running towards her goal of getting into Princeton.

  “Can I get a rain check?” Alex remained loitering by the door, her head bowed in guilt.

  “Backing out already?” Mark didn’t sound impressed.

  “No, it’s not that.” Alex slid into the room but remained by the doorway. “I’ve got to go and do a thing. It’s kind of a big deal but just a one-off.” She knew she was being vague, but she also felt that he wouldn’t understand the validity of her situation.

  “What thing?” Mark immediately queried.

  Alex sighed and let her chin fall to her chest. Looking down at her T-shirt and jeans ensemble, she already missed her cheerleading uniform. She wished she could retain just a little of the safety net being on the team had given her. The thought of being at Woodsdale as just an average student really scared her.

  “A cheer thing.” Alex finally relented.

  “A cheer thing?” Mark replied incredulously.

  “It’s honestly really important. And after this one thing is done, I can study every night from now until graduation.” Alex tried to appeal her case.

  “Why is it so important?” Mark sounded both interested and annoyed.

  “Because I’m retiring my captaincy,” Alex snapped, the pressure of the situation causing her nerves to fray.

  “There’s a whole load of crap that goes with that, like I owe the team an explanation and I need to appoint the new captain.”

  “Sounds pointless.”

  “To you maybe,” Alex said defensively. “But to me it is important. I owe it to my team to leave properly.”

  Mark studied her face as Alex bit her lip, her body tense and rigid.

  “If it means so much to you, then go.” He waved a dismissive hand at her and then turned away.

  Alex lingered momentarily, unsure how to read his reaction.

  “Sometimes I forget how young you are.” Mark sighed.

  Alex was unsure if the comment was directed at her or to himself.

 
“You get caught up in high school stuff because you’re still in high school.” He turned to face Alex, but his expression was no longer one of annoyance, it had saddened. The sadness in his eyes made Alex feel alarmed. A cold sense of dread began to swim around at the base of her spine, causing her skin to prickle.

  “I’m just… I’m not ready to jump yet.” Alex took a step closer to him, determined to dispel the increasing distance that was suddenly pushing them apart.

  “Quitting cheerleading is putting one foot in the water, but that’s all I can manage right now. I can’t jump in totally yet.”

  This seemed to appease Mark, as he nodded to himself thoughtfully and managed a slight smile.

  “You’re going through a lot.” He turned to look at her, holding her in the depth of his eyes. “I’m sorry if I sounded like a dick. I guess I was just disappointed at not being able to spend time with you tonight. And I know how lame that sounds. It sounds like I’m the one in high school!” Mark laughed nervously.

  “I’ll be here tomorrow night to study.” Alex approached him and placed her hand upon his arm. He was warm to the touch. She wanted to take her hand and guide it up his arm, up to his face, across his cheek and to touch his sensuous lips.

  “I look forward to it.” Mark smiled, his cheeks suddenly flushed.

  “I’d better go,” Alex whispered, though she didn’t move.

  “Yeah, well, good luck at your cheer thing.” Mark cleared his throat awkwardly.

  Alex felt as though she had to physically tear herself away from him. It was as though he had a magnetic aura that just held her to him. As she left the classroom, she didn’t dare look back. Her heart was racing, and she felt breathless. What scared her was not that she’d gone and touched his arm; it was that she’d had to hold herself back from doing so much more.

  ****

  “Thanks for keeping us waiting!” Sophie declared as Alex ran up to the bleachers, not hiding her obvious annoyance.

  The cheerleading squad of Woodsdale High had settled upon the first three rows of the bleachers, wearing their casual clothes but looking every inch like high school royalty with their immaculate hair and designer brands.