by Shelia Grace
“Not to be a prude or anything, but could you not do that? It’s kind of shocking to my virginal senses and all.”
I was joking—sort of—but my voice still shook.
“I’m sorry. No more full frontal until you ask for it.”
He was right in front of me; I could tell. When I opened my eyes, they dropped immediately to his … flannel pajamas. I looked up at him.
“Disappointed?” he asked. “Because I could take these off.”
I smirked.
“Cocky, aren’t you?”
“Very.”
I blushed, suddenly embarrassed by my own pun.
“I sort of thought you were going to …” I swallowed. “Well, you know. Take care of that during your shower … since you didn’t seem to want any help.”
Ryan stepped closer, and my breath caught.
“To be accurate, I wanted to do things you’re not ready for.”
Frowning, I was about to make a smart comment about never being ready for sex without love. Instead, the most ridiculous question popped out of my mouth.
“Did you love your ex? I mean, when you were together.”
I looked away, and Ryan surprised me by laughing.
“There, I think that did it.”
“Did what?”
I glanced at him questioningly and found him staring at his pants like he was watching his manhood deflate.
“Oh! Very funny.”
Ryan sat down on the bed and ran a hand through his damp hair.
“Did I love Gretchen?” He paused. “No, I don’t think I ever did. I think she was safe.”
I shook my head.
“What does safe mean?”
Ryan frowned.
“It means … I wasn’t afraid of losing her.”
I nodded. Something in his tone reminded me about his father’s speech about Reece, Ryan’s older brother. But I bit my lip and didn’t say anything. Why bring up a painful topic again? It made me think, though. Was I afraid of losing him? Then suddenly I knew—being afraid of losing Ryan was the whole reason I was here when I really shouldn’t have been. Which made me furious. The problem was that I couldn’t figure out whether I was mad at Ryan or myself.
“Why didn’t you just let me go yesterday? Couldn’t you have just walked away? I told you—there are a million girls who would fuck your brains out without thinking twice. Why couldn’t you just leave me the hell alone?” I stopped, feeling my eyes well up with tears. “I don’t want to be in love with you, goddamn it!”
Getting up, I shoved against his chest and tried to sidestep around him to get to the bathroom so that I could lock myself in. He caught my hands in his, and I struggled, my eyes burning.
“This is why you don’t screw around with virgins, you jerk. We cry, throw fits, and generally act fucking crazy.”
Ryan smirked down at me.
“I’m sorry to burst your bubble, Alex, but that’s all women.”
My eyes narrowed.
“Fuck you, you misogynist! Let me go!”
I hadn’t really planned it, but suddenly it seemed like a brilliant fucking plan to make him hate me. I could spend the night in the bathroom, endure a miserable drive back to school with him, and then never see Ryan Bennett again. The problem was that just the thought of this caused a sob to escape from my throat. I thrashed against him. Then I felt his mouth at my ear, and I froze.
“You think I hate women? Then I guess I didn’t make you come hard enough the first time.”
Before I could move, his arm came down at the back of my knees, sweeping my feet out from under me. He laid me on the bed and came down on top of me, wiping away my tears. Then his mouth was on mine. His tongue tasted me, thrusting past my lips hungrily as I wrapped my arms around him. I gripped him fiercely and heard a low growl deep in his chest as my fingernails raked over the muscles of his back.
If this was going to be the last time I was with him, then I never wanted it to end. His knee began to part my legs, and then I felt his hips rock forward, bringing the full length of him against me as his tongue plunged into my mouth at the same moment. He sat up, bringing me with him and lifting my legs until I was straddling him. His hands gripped my hips and he rocked me forward.
“God, Alex. I want to be inside you,” he whispered roughly against my ear.
I whimpered, and he began to rock me faster against him. My cheeks flushed. Every part of me ached, and I craved the release his touch had brought less than a half hour ago.
“Please,” I begged.
Tears rolled down my cheeks as he lifted me again and lowered me back onto the bed. When I felt his fingers hook around my panties, I tensed.
“Shh. It’s okay,” he whispered.
I shivered as he pulled the thin lace down my legs and over my ankles. Then his lips were on mine again, feverish and urgent as his hands caressed my stomach and then slid lower, dipping between my legs until his finger found the same sensitive spot. I closed my eyes as he began to stroke me over and over again. Every time I came close to the amazing, pulsing release, his touch slowed, but when I reached out desperately to touch him through his pants, he caught my hand. My eyes snapped open, and I stared up at him.
“I only have so much control. I want to be the first to make love to you, more than you can possibly imagine, but it’s going to be when you’re ready.” He paused. “If you touch me right now, I won’t be able to stop. I’ll take you right now.”
My pulse leapt, and he kissed me quickly, his finger stroking me faster and faster until I felt my breathing hitch.
“That’s right, Alex. Come for me,” he whispered.
It was like he knew that the sound of his voice saying those words could send me over the edge. My body exploded with pleasure, and I came apart, crying his name.
I loved him.
And I hated myself for it, because I knew we couldn’t be together.
Chapter 18
Ryan
I watched Alex sleeping in my arms. Her lips were parted, and her arm was draped over my chest. It had taken every ounce of fucking will power I had last night not to make love to her. Even now, all I wanted to do was kiss her awake and watch her face as I made her come again. Then I remembered what she had said.
Why couldn’t you just leave me the hell alone? I don’t want to be in love with you, goddamn it!
I caressed her forehead and moved the hair from her eyes. Her hand tightened reflexively on my chest. What I had told her last night was the truth. Her presence had been the only thing preventing a fucking disaster. If Alex hadn’t been here, I would have really gotten into it with my mother. And there was a good chance that I would have kicked McDevitt’s ass in front of a room full of VIPs. Even worse, there was a chance I would have gotten drunk and fucked Gretchen, therein terminating my nice, long streak of avoiding her bullshit drama. I looked down at Alex and laughed quietly.
This is why you don’t screw around with virgins, you jerk. We cry, throw fits, and generally act fucking crazy.
The problem was that Alex’s drama just got me hard. Gently rolling her onto the pillow, I slipped out of bed and went to the dresser. After putting on a T-shirt and a pair of shorts, I walked over to where Finn was already waiting at the door. It was just past five and still pitch-dark outside. I opened the door and closed it silently behind me, walking barefoot to the SUV to pull out a pair of socks and running shoes from my gym bag.
As soon as I tied my shoes, I took off down the driveway with Finn keeping pace next to me. Within another minute I hit the trail through the vineyard. It wouldn’t be light for almost another two hours, but I knew the terrain well, and I was just looking for a quick jog to clear my head. I finished out a three-mile loop in a little under twenty minutes. Opening the door to the cottage, I stepped quietly inside and fed Finn before going into the bathroom to shower.
As I stepped under the water, I wondered if James had slept with my ex last night. Part of me hoped so. They deserved each other,
and maybe the two of them would cancel each other out—or annihilate each other. Either way.
Then I thought about Alex, in bed, naked, and only steps from where I was. Imagining how it would feel to push slowly into her tight, wet pussy, I let the spray of water beat down on me as I jerked off. The alternative was to walk out of the bathroom and go out of my goddamn mind when I saw her lying there. I was getting extremely sick of my hand, but I was past being bitter about it.
Watching Alex lose control last night had been worth it. The second time it had been a minor miracle that I hadn’t gone out of my mind watching her come. I had purposely not brought any condoms. I wasn’t stupid. Even if she had given in and told me she wanted me to fuck her six ways to Sunday, unprotected sex wasn’t an option. Besides, I was hell bent on maintaining my one small step at a time formula, even if it ended up killing me.
I got dressed in jeans and a T-shirt and left the room again to find food at the main building. Rifling through the kitchen, I found muffins, juice, and fruit. Then I made coffee. By the time I got back, the lamp on the nightstand was on, and Alex looked over at me before quickly pulling on the T-shirt she had been wearing last night.
“I brought breakfast.”
She looked me over suspiciously.
“How long have you been up?”
I was tempted to say, All fucking night, but I didn’t.
“Since five.”
“Oh. Why didn’t you wake me up?”
Because I would have wanted to touch you, kiss you …
“Do you usually get up at five?” I asked.
She shook her head.
“I didn’t think so. I wanted to let you sleep.”
She pulled her knees up to her chest and watched me quietly. Shit. When I walked over and set out the food on the nightstand, she leaned over tentatively and took a muffin. Taking a bite, she smiled.
“Why, again, did you decide to leave paradise for the land of Ramen noodles and cranky old math professors?” she asked dryly.
I relaxed now that she was joking with me again.
“I’ll bring you back for a family dinner sometime, and you’ll understand.”
Her features suddenly went blank before she developed an unnatural fascination with her muffin. When she looked up at me again, her face was serious.
“Are we going to head back soon?” she asked.
“Alex? Is something wrong?”
She shook her head and smiled, but it was far from a happy smile.
“Do you mind if I take a shower?”
I took a long swig of coffee and nodded as she swung her legs over the side of the bed.
“There are extra toothbrushes and paste in the cabinet.”
She nodded before hurrying into the bathroom. Hearing the door close and lock behind her, I thought about last night—and how dangerously out of control I had been. Had she finally snapped out of her post-orgasm stupor and decided that I really was a misogynist dickhead? Not that I could blame her if she had. My utter obsession with her had gone well beyond clouding my judgment. If I had had a condom in my back pocket last night, I don’t know what would have happened.
The sound of her whispering please still haunted me. I sat down in the chair in the corner, sipped my coffee, and watched as my dog waited outside the bathroom for her to reappear. Suddenly the thought of dropping Alex off at Mercer and going back to the house to spend the day on the computer sounded even less appealing. I wanted to keep her here all day, walk her around the vineyard, make her lunch … make her come again. The last thought caused me to curse under my breath. The door opened a few minutes later, and Alex came out wrapped in a towel. Her eyes were bright green and nervous.
“I forgot about clothes. Do you have something I can wear back to the dorms?”
When I got up and walked toward her, she took a small step back.
“Alex, what’s wrong?”
She threw her hands up in the air miserably, almost causing the towel to slip. I felt a surge of blood through my cock and couldn’t help praying for the goddamn thing to fall off.
“The same thing that was wrong yesterday and the day before that! I’m fucking in love with someone who just wants to fuck me! And it sucks a bag of dicks!”
I tried my hardest not to smile.
“A bag of dicks? Really?”
“You know what I mean!” she cried in exasperation.
I crossed the room quickly and took her shoulders in my hands. Staring down at her, I hated myself for not being able to say the three words she needed to hear from me.
“Alex, let’s be clear. If I just wanted to fuck you, we wouldn’t be here. I would’ve given up that first night at my place. No guy is going to hang on this long, endure this much pain—just to fuck you.”
“Endure this much pain?” she repeated indignantly, obviously missing my point. “If I’m such a fucking pain in the ass, then why did you bother bringing me here?”
I reached down and gripped her right hand in my left and brought it to my aching shaft before lowering my mouth to her ear.
“I jerked off in the shower less than an hour ago just so I wouldn’t go out of my mind when I saw you lying there naked. … Now all I want is to watch you coming again.”
When I looked down at her, Alex’s eyes were closed and her breathing was shallow. It gave me a sliver of satisfaction to know that I could affect her as easily as she affected me.
“Alex? Is that what you want?” I whispered.
She didn’t open her eyes.
“I promise that every time I touch you it will only get better,” I continued hoarsely.
She trembled as I pulled the towel free and lifted her into my arms. I carried her to the bed and laid her down, kissing her lips, then her throat, then her collarbone, then her breasts. I sucked one nipple into my mouth as I cupped the other, and she whimpered. She was close, but not as close as last night. I slipped my hand between her thighs and felt a shudder run through her.
“You feel so good,” I growled in her ear.
Her head fell back, and I knew it was my touch and the sound of my voice bringing her closer to the edge.
“Yes,” I coaxed.
Her breathing was coming in fast little gulps, and that’s when I stopped. Her eyes flew open.
“That is what I meant by pain,” I pointed out roughly.
She struggled to sit up, and when she put her hands on my chest, I let her push me onto my back. Her breathing was still uneven as she began pulling off my shirt, and I didn’t bother trying to stop her this time when she began to unbuckle the belt. Instead, I closed my eyes as her fingers fumbled with the button and zipper on my jeans. Her hand tentatively touched my cock through the cotton. Then I heard her sharp intake of breath as I throbbed against her palm. Tentatively she trailed her touch from the base all the way to the tip. Her fingers explored me until I sat up and yanked off my jeans and boxer briefs with ruthless efficiency.
I was desperate to push her back onto the bed and try her with my fingers to see how tight she was. Restraining myself, I lay back dutifully and watched her face, her eyes wide as she studied my length. I could practically see her doing the math in her head, and I wanted to tell her how careful I would be the first time, but I was afraid it would scare her to know exactly how much I had been thinking of being her first.
When she reached for me again, I braced myself. Her hand was like warm silk against my skin. Her grip tightened around the shaft, and I heard her breathing stop as I pulsed in her hand.
“Ryan, I don’t know how to …”
Sitting up, I took her hand in mine, showing her how to torture me. Because it was pure fucking torture. Her thumb skimmed around the head, and all I could think about was watching her face as I finally entered her for the first time. My hips began to rock as her hand slid up and down my cock, and I knew I wasn’t going to last long. Not after this much deprivation. When I stilled her hand, she frowned.
“Am I doing something wrong?”<
br />
I shook my head.
“I need to see you come first.”
I lowered her to the bed.
“But I haven’t …”
I covered her mouth with mine as my fingers parted her. Her breathing hitched, her response just as sweet as the first time I had touched her. The difference now was that both of us were completely naked, and I was well past the point of rational thought. With a sudden jolt, I remembered the unopened box of condoms in the nightstand drawer. A purchase I had made right after breaking up with Gretchen—back when I had imagined freedom would mean one long party rather than becoming obsessed with an impossibly inexperienced college freshman.
I kissed Alex’s breasts as I touched her, trying to keep my mind from the condoms. Stroking her faster, I fed off of her moans, and when she gasped, I leaned forward and whispered in her ear.
“Alex, I’m going to be your first.”
She shattered in my arms, her cry stiffening me to the point of insanity. As her trembling slowed, I expected her to collapse. Instead she sat up and reached out, her hand tightening around my cock. She leaned forward and began stroking me until I groaned. Taking her hand in mine, I quickened her touch. Then I fell back onto the bed. Closing my eyes, I imagined the look on her face only moments earlier. Suddenly my hips jerked forward, and I growled as the wave of release rushed through me. When I opened my eyes, Alex was still gripping my cock, staring down at it with a look of fascination.
“Wow,” she whispered.
I glanced down at my stomach and tried to remember the last time I had gotten a hand job. High school maybe? Before I could say anything, Alex jumped off the bed and disappeared into the bathroom, returning with tissues.
“I was going to say earlier … If you didn’t let me start catching up, there was going to be some serious inequality going on,” she smiled.
“That’s assuming I don’t consider your orgasms to be achievements in and of themselves.”
