Almost A Duke, Almost My Love (Regency Romance)

by Rebecca Dash

“You are right. I should be exhilarated by this. But I am far from it. May I confide in you?”

  “You know the answer to that already. Of course you may. I am your friend, and you are as close to me as a sister.”

  “You are closer than any sister I could have had. I must confess to something. I do not want to marry the count, and if the truth be known, he has not asked my father’s permission as yet.”

  “He has not?” said Cordelia. “What of the rumors and the gossip? London is talking of little else.”

  “No, he only gave a toast at dinner and said what could be taken as an intention to be with me, but he has not done it properly.”

  “Do you think he means to go through with it? If he does not, what will you do? It would be scandalous!”

  “How well I know that. I do not care, but I am quite sure it would break my mother’s heart. I believe she is far happier about the prospect of me becoming a countess than I will ever be.”

  “Why are you not thrilled? He is a handsome count. What else were you hoping for? Is it because you will have to live in a foreign country?”

  “If I loved him, I would gladly live anywhere,” said Rachel. “It’s not that.”

  “Then what is it?”

  “I do not know how to say this. I have not admitted it to anyone else. But I believe I may not love him.”

  “You do not have to love anyone to marry them. Wherever did you get that idea? In time, you can grow to care for one another. That is enough.”

  “You are right, and I will probably accept his proposal when it comes. I could do far worse than a count. But if I had my way, I would marry for love. Real, true love.”

  “So would I,” said Cordelia. “But that is not the world. Is there anyone you do love? Is that why you know your feelings for Lord Esterhaz are not true?”

  Rachel had never seriously considered it, but all this talk of marriage made her think about a lot of things she never had before. This was final. It was for the rest of her life. And she realized that she had fallen in love with another. Sadly, he was not a proper suitor and her family would never allow them to be together.

  “Cordelia, I have to admit that there is someone else.” She hesitated, afraid to say it. “Your cousin… Alexander is the man I truly have feelings for. But he is only the second son of a Duke, and there is no future there.”

  “I have suspected as much for a long time now. He has also been quite in love with you since the moment that you met.”

  Rachel put a hand to her chest. She didn’t realize that it was shaking. A wave of warmth came over her. Tears welled up in her eyes.

  “He loves me?” she said.

  “Desperately so. But why are you crying? I thought you would be happy.”

  “I am happier than I have ever been. It’s just that I had no idea Alexander felt that way about me. We would flirt sometimes, but it was never serious. We were like children playing games.”

  “He never knew you wanted anything more than friendship from him either. The only people who do know is the entire rest of the world.” Cordelia cocked her head to the side and made a silly face.

  “Whatever do you mean?”

  “That anyone who has watched you two together can tell in moments. You are both very strange people to have taken this long to figure things out.”

  Rachel stared down at her hands. “Very strange or very practical.”

  “You and Alexander are so well suited in temperament and humor. Is it practical to give up on someone you are perfect for? I would not be so hasty to dismiss him.”

  “Everyone expects me to marry Lord Esterhaz.”

  “Then you have a decision to make.”

  “But there is no decision at all.” Rachel smiled, even as tears streaked her face. She looked directly at her friend. “You cannot give away a heart that is broken. I know what must be done. Maybe for the first time in my life, I truly know.”

  ***

  Rachel returned to the maelstrom that was her home. She slipped in quietly as though she had never really left at all. Her mother did not notice her absence, as she was busy entertaining ten ladies in the drawing room. Rachel wanted no part of it. She sat down by herself in the parlor, requested a cup of tea from a servant, and tried to look like the happiest of women as she considered her next move. The one that may destroy her.

  It was late in the afternoon when the guests finally departed. Dinner would be served soon, and she hoped that there would not be too many people coming over this evening. She needed more time to consider all that was happening. She needed more time to think about Alexander. Rachel went up to her bedroom to be alone a little longer before she had to dress for dinner. Soon afterward, her maid knocked on the door.

  “My lady, your father requests your presence in the study.”

  “Tell him I will be right down.”

  It seemed as if time was a luxury she could no longer afford. Rachel thought the request was rather unusual. She hoped that there wasn’t any bad news. The worst would be if the count had asked her father’s permission to marry her. That had to be it. Her heart beat faster and adrenaline coursed through her body as she went down the stairs to her father’s study. Rachel wanted to keep going, to break into a sprint until she was out the front door and lost in the twisting streets of London. She tried hard to be brave. No matter what the news, she had to be. And she had to fight for Alexander and their life together. She stepped into the study, holding her breath for a moment, as if a deluge was coming.

  Chapter 9

  Rachel slowly closed the door behind her. She walked into the room, half expecting to see the Count of Esterhaz waiting for her inside. Instead, there was only her father.

  “I need you to steel yourself for some news I have to tell you,” said the marquess. “Please be seated.”

  Rachel walked over to the upholstered chair by the fireplace. She put her hand on its padded back as if that would help to propel her around to the seat. Then she stopped moving. Emotions swirled in her chest. Her shoulders were tight as she looked her father in the eye.

  “I prefer to stand,” she said. “And there is something I must tell you.”

  “I really think you should listen to what I have to say first.”

  “No.”

  Lord Rothward seemed to be physically jarred by the word. “Excuse me?”

  “What I need to reveal cannot wait. I realize that you have sent for me because Lord Esterhaz has asked for your consent.”

  “In fact, I have sent for you because…”

  “I am not finished.”

  The marquess’ eyes narrowed. He crossed his arms.

  “I know it will be impossible for you and mother to accept,” said Rachel. “But I refuse to marry that man.”

  “Rachel…”

  “Threaten me with whatever you will. I accept that I am a horrible daughter. But I am in love with another. I must be with him or with no one at all.”

  Her father walked to a side table and poured himself a brandy. Rachel’s eyes got wide when he drank it all down and then poured another. He joined her by the fireplace, staring into the dancing glow it held, then took another sip before speaking.

  “Are you quite through?”

  She hesitated. “Yes… I believe I am.”

  The marquess put his glass down on the mantle. Rachel’s anticipation of the fury that was to come was worse than going through it could be. The silence grated on her most of all.

  “What did you want to tell me?” she said.

  “Nothing. Just that you will not be seeing Lord Esterhaz ever again.”

  “What?” Her voice was uncertain.

  “I should not tell you any more.”

  “But I must speak with him again to break off the relationship. It is the proper thing to do.”

  The marquess sighed heavily. “I think you have a right to know the truth about a man who was almost your fiance. And this will make it easier for you to understand how things have to be. But w
hat I am about to tell you can never leave this room. As you are aware, I provide assistance, from time to time, to the Home Office, and have been involved in the planning and strategy of the war. I have taken great pains to shield you and your mother from all but the best news about our progress against the French Empire, but I am afraid that is not possible tonight. Do you understand that what you will hear is vital to national security, and the social standing of our family and the prince?”

  “Yes father, you may rely on my silence. But how could anything to do with national security affect me?”

  “The Count of Esterhaz is a spy for the French. The Home Office had suspected that there was someone close to the prince for some time, but it has only been in the last two days that we were able to establish that it was, in fact, Lord Esterhaz.”

  “Oh, father! And to think, he was in our very house!”

  “He was here because I invited him. That was no fault of yours. I will not go into the details of the operation, but the threat is over.”

  “Is he…” Rachel was afraid to finish the sentence. “Dead?”

  “Regrettably, he is not. He has been exiled. He was far too close to both the prince regent and our family as of late. If we charged Lord Esterhaz publicly with treason and executed him, it would make the prince look like a buffoon, and we would never recover from the shame of nearly marrying a daughter to an agent of Napoleon. It was best that we exile him. The public will never know the truth. All your mother or any member of society will ever believe is that he was recalled to Austria on urgent business, and that he has no plans to ever return. You broke off the engagement because you came to your senses and could not bear to leave England. That is the story we must all stick to no matter what. I would apologize for breaking your heart with such news, but I suspect you will get over it.”

  “I only considered being with Lord Esterhaz because of my obligation to marry well for this family.”

  “Do not admit that to anyone else if you want to continue being known as a horrible daughter. Because I think you are the best daughter I could have asked for.”

  Rachel could not stop herself from smiling. She hugged her father suddenly and felt him stiffen up. The marquess held his arms out to the side, but hesitantly brought them in. He looked down as he rubbed her back. It only lasted for a few seconds. She made it as painless as possible, as he was not an affectionate man. But some things just had to be done. She took a step away from him. They both stared at the fire.

  “Strange times,” he said.

  “Indeed.” Rachel cleared her throat. “I must admit that I am shocked at the news.”

  “Remember that you must never repeat a word of what I have disclosed.”

  “You may count on me. I will tell no one the truth of it.”

  “I am glad to hear you say it. With that matter settled, we can move on. I have more news for you.”

  Rachel sat down right away, gripping the padded armrests of the chair. “I do not know that I can take any more news so soon.”

  The marquess chuckled. “I think you will rather enjoy this revelation.”

  “I am quite anxious. What can it be?”

  “Do you remember that, after the ball at Carlton House, you had a mysterious admirer send you a fortune’s worth of flowers? He is a very silly man to do such things. But still, do you recall?”

  “Yes, how could I forget? I never found out who it was.”

  “Well, tonight you shall, my daughter. I know quite well who it was. He worked very hard to discover the true identity of the spy and was invaluable in the quick and quiet removal of the agent from this country. He has made his intentions clear and has asked for your hand in marriage. As he has done such a great service for our country, I told him I would consider it if he met with your approval. I think you will find this man to be a good match, as he now has the gratitude of the crown, and is well invested in shipping and the merchant fleet.”

  “Father, I do not know what to say. I am still curious about who sent those wonderful flowers.”

  “There is only one way to find out.”

  “But my feelings for another man will never change.”

  “There are a lot of things we think will never change when we are young. All I ask is that you give my choice a chance. It could not possibly be any worse than your mother’s favorite.”

  Rachel nodded. “I will meet with him and make a decision.”

  “Do not worry. I already know there will be the devil to pay if he fails to meet your standards. Now, go get ready for dinner. It should be a quiet affair as he is our only guest.”

  Chapter 10

  Rachel rushed upstairs to get dressed for the evening. Her mind was reeling from the news about the count, and from the fact that she was soon to discover her secret admirer’s true identity. Excitement bubbled up inside her. She was also grateful that her father had trusted her with the truth about Lord Esterhaz. It now made sense that he wanted to be married. He was trying to sneak into a closer relationship with the marquess all along. Rachel was very relieved to be rid of him. Now she would meet the man who sent her all those flowers. Someone with strong feelings for her. He must have, to do something like that. It was only right to meet with him, even though her heart was spoken for already.

  She restrained herself as she went back downstairs, feeling the urge to run, but trying to be reserved and proper. Rachel went into the drawing room to join her parents. Lord Rothward was still breaking the news to his wife. He told her of the count’s sudden departure due to an emergency. The marchioness was horrified and looked rather annoyed with her daughter.

  “You must not be vexed with Rachel,” said the marquess. “She does not want to leave England, and I whole heartedly concur. I would never have given my approval to such a man, especially with so many gambling debts. The debt was large. He was practically a pauper.”

  “Gambling debts? No, that would not do at all. I suppose we are fortunate that he is gone. But what will I ever tell my friends?”

  “I have no doubt that you will think of something.”

  Rachel grew more nervous with every passing minute. She kept looking at the door, not sure who to expect to come through it. At last, the footman’s shoes clicked crisply on the floor, getting closer to the drawing room. He came in to make his announcement.

  “Lord Alexander Bartley.”

  Rachel stood up and her legs almost gave way. She could scarcely believe it. Alexander came walking through the door. Here was her friend, her confidant, and now a hero and a shipping magnate. A man who sent her hundreds of flowers and had asked her father for her hand. Here was the man who she would love forever.

  “Alexander, can this be true?” she said.

  “Yes, all of it is true.”

  “Let us retire to the study, Lady Rothward. I believe they have matters of great importance to discuss.” The marquess ushered his wife out of the room before she could even protest.

  Rachel felt certain he would help her mother to see Alexander in a new light, especially since he was now the wealthy owner of a fleet of merchant ships.

  “I am so pleased that you are here,” said Rachel. “You sent me those flowers?”

  “Yes, it was me. You were so sad during the prince regent’s ball that I wanted to cheer you up.”

  “It did. But is that the only reason you sent them?”

  He shook his head. “I was not sure you would have me as a husband since I am not titled.”

  “You silly man, I would have had you for a husband if you were a stable boy.”

  “Or the prince’s valet?”

  “Especially so. Valets are always very well dressed.”

  Alexander laughed. “I rather liked that one. Although, I will try my best to maintain my current position in life.”

  “I shall be by your side either way.”

  “I know. Cordelia told me of your feelings for me. They are as mine have always been for you. My dearest Rachel, would you do me the honor
of becoming my wife?”

  “Of course, I will. Of course.”

  Alexander placed his hands on the sides of her face and drew closer to her. He stared into her eyes and kissed her passionately. Rachel had never been kissed. She knew this was love. And to be kissed by the man that she loved and who loved her back was an indescribable joy. He withdrew and looked at his blushing bride to be. She looked back at him. They knew they were never to be parted. Their lives and destiny were intertwined together from that moment on.

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