Complete Works of F. Scott Fitzgerald UK (Illustrated)
Page 368
JUDGE D.: I tell you I won’t have it! I can’t have it!
MRS. D.: I’m sure he’s a good boy.
JUDGE D.: Good? Good be hanged! I’d rather see him a human devil and off to the war, than hanging around here when every able-bodied man in the South is fighting. If I were able to walk I’d be there against the Yanks if I had only a broomstick. And the idea of that impudent young jackanapes paying attention to our daughter Lindy! — Bah!
MRS. D.: Well, I’m sure she doesn’t encourage him.
JUDGE D.: That’s not to her credit. If she did encourage him she’d be a lunatic.
MRS. D.: Arthur!
JUDGE D.: That’s what she’d be — A lunatic.
MRS. D.: But she hasn’t encouraged him.
JUDGE D.: Then why did he send her these? Why, tell me?
MRS. D.: I’m sure I don’t know.
JUDGE D.: Call in Jeff. I’ll show him!
MRS. D.: (Rings bell.)
(Enter Jeff.)
JUDGE D.: Throw these in the ash barrel, and any more from young Jim Hoi worthy as well. I’ll have no stay-at-homes making love to my daughter.
MRS. D.: I’m sure Lindy will see that a young man like that is not for her to become intimate with, but I see no harm in her seeing him.
JUDGE D.: But I do. Ned Holworthy himself said to me that he considered his son Jim a disgrace to his family. Why didn’t he enlist with my Charley and the rest?
JEFF: Dere’s somebody comin’. (Looking out window.)
MRS. D.: I suppose it’s the mail.
JEFF: No’m, it’s a female — two of ‘em. (Starts to leave.)
JUDGE D.: Where’s that Jeff? Where is her Ring the bell. Oh, there you are. I can’t talk to Lindy now. I’m liable to use violent language.
MRS. D.: Wheel Mr. Douglas to the side veranda and then leave him. He is testy today.
(Exit Jeff wheeling Judge Douglas in chair.)
(Enter Lindy, followed by Cecilia.)
LINDY: (In doorway.) Goodbye Ellen. Goodbye Miss Hazelton.
MRS. D.: That you, Lindy?
LINDY: Yes Mother.
MRS. D.: Oh, hello Cecilia.
CECILIA: Good morning, Mrs. Douglas. How’s everybody over here?
MRS. D.: All well. How’s your Mother, Cecilia?
CECILIA: She hasn’t been the same since John was shot.
MRS. D.: (Sighs.) Ah yes, I know. Charley’s well — praise be to heaven — but one son is not too much to give to the cause. Tommy would go if he were only old enough.
LINDY: Let’s not be doleful, Mother. I reckon I’ve got troubles enough. Look — (Holding out sewing.) Uniforms to make for Charley. How he can ever wear through a cloth this thick is a mystery to me, and yet they do — and always want more.
MRS. D.: Lindy, that’s no way to talk — You may be thankful you still have a brother to sew for.
LINDY: Well, I can’t help it — It is annoying! It’s sew, sew, sew —
I wish I were a man or at least as small as Tommy so that I could pretend I was.
CECILIA: Mrs. Douglas, what do you think? This morning I got all dressed for riding, boots and all, came down stairs and found that Kate, my new saddle horse, was gone.
MRS. D. and LINDY: Stolen?
CECILIA: NO, sent ahead to the Army. I guess I’ll be a pedestrian till Jeff Davis sits in Washington.
LINDY: Which will be a long while, I am afraid.
(Outside a fife is heard. Enter Tommy and Clara Douglas dressed as soldiers, Miss Pruit, their governess, following, carrying gun.)
TOMMY: Halt! Good morning, lady. You haven’t a pair of shoes for a poor old campaigner, have you? I haven’t eaten anything but salt pork since Bull Run.
CLARA: YOU ain’t going to eat shoes, are you?
TOMMY: Silence, Private Clara! If you speak again, I’ll make you the camp followers and advance Miss Pruit to the main army.
Miss PRUIT: Mrs. Douglas, do I have to stand for this? I’ve been the camp followers and the deserters and the Northerners all day. I wish I had remained in Boston as my folks advised, but I wouldn’t take the trip now for the Pilgrim Fathers themselves.
CECILIA: There aren’t going to be Pilgrim Fathers much longer, Miss Pruit.
MISS PRUIT: I want you to know, Miss Ashton, that my cousin’s aunt’s grandmother on my father’s side is related to Governor Bradford of New York.
CECILIA and LINDY: Oh excuse us, Miss Pruit!
TOMMY: Major Douglas, I think she’s a spy. If I mistake not, Boston is somewhere in Pennsylvania?
CLARA: You’re right.
TOMMY: TO the guard house. Charge! (They charge on Miss Pruity and all exit.)
LINDY: I guess they’ve all got the war spirit.
(Enter Angelina Bangs.)
ANGELINA: Good morning.
MRS. D.: Angelina. Come in.
ANGELINA: If I may. I am perusing a most attractive little book.
CECILIA: SO?
ANGELINA: Yes.
LINDY: What is it?
ANGELINA: The life of St. Cecilia. Your namesake, dear friend.
CECILIA: Here comes a sermon.
ANGELINA: Such a sweet book!
LINDY: And so dry!!
MRS. D.: Lindy, I’ve often wished that you were more like Angelina.
ANGELINA: I wish every one was.
CECILIA: Generous creature!
MRS. D.: Cecilia!!
ANGELINA: I have already forgiven her. You should learn, dear girl, not to be hasty.
MRS D.: There’s something for you to practice, Lindy.
LINDY: But I can’t be sanctimonious.
ANGELINA: But you can try. I, alas, have had hard struggles. I inherit all the low impulses of my father’s family, the Bangs. It is a continual struggle for the Angeline to overcome the Bangs. Alas, the Bangs often overcomes. This morning — I confess it with a tear of shame — I came very close to exclaiming “Rats!” in an ill-natured manner.
CECILIA: Oh do tell us. Did the Bangs win?
ANGELINA: NO, the Angelina conquered.
LINDY: I’m so glad.
ANGELINA: I must be going, Mrs. Douglas. Goodbye. Children, you have my prayers. (Exit.)
LINDY: What a sanctimonious creature!
CECILIA: I’d like to see the Bangs get out just once.
LINDY: It never will.
CECILIA: Oh Mrs. Douglas, will you show me that pattern for the coats?
MRS. D.: Certainly Celia; I’ve been meaning to. Come upstairs.
(Turns toward door leading to hall.)
(Enter Jeff. He sees that Lindy is not alone, so retreats in haste.)
MRS. D.: I wonder what he wanted?
LINDY: Probably wants to sample some of Daddy’s cigars.
(Exit Mrs. Douglas and Cecilia.)
(Enter Jeff, cautiously.)
JEFF: Ex-excuse me, Miss Lindy, bu-but dere’s a personal mattah I got to broach to you.
LINDY: All right Jeff, what is it?
JEFF: Dere’s a gemmen outside said he’d relieve ma present pecuniary emba’ssment if ah’d give yoh dis here note. He ain’t no friend o’ yoh father’s.
LINDY: Oh, it’s Mr. Jim Holworthy. (Reads note.) He wants to see me. Show him in.
JEFF: Yassum.
(Exit Jeff.)
(Enter Jeff, followed by Jim Holworthy.)
JEFF: I renounce Mistah James Holworthy.
JIM: Ah — ah — Morning, Miss Lindy.
LINDY: Good morning, Mr. Holworthy.
JIM: I — ah — just happened to be passing, so I thought I’d say “hello” with you.
LINDY: Hello.
JIM: Hello. I guess I’ll be going.
LINDY: Won’t you sit down? Take Mr. Holworthy’s hat, Jeff.
(Jeff starts to take hat.)
JIM: Hey there, what are you doing?
LINDY: It’s all right, Mr. Holworthy.
JIM: Sit down. Well, up — that is, begging your pardon. (Gets up and reaches for hat.)
LINDY: You may go, Jeff.
JEFF: Yassum.
LINDY: Jeff!
JEFF: Yassum, I’m agoin’. Mistah Holworthy ain’t forgot sumpin, is he?
JIM: Oh yes. Hmm — ah — (Fumbles in pockets.) Can you change ten cents, Miss Lindy?
LINDY: (Shakes her head.)
JIM: Well, here’s the money. It’s more than I intended. (Gives money to Jeff.)
JEFF: Ten cents Confederate!
LINDY: Jeff, go out at once!
(Exit Jeff.)
JIM: If there ain’t ten cents gone quick!
LINDY: That’s too bad, Mr. Holworthy.
JIM: Yes, it is. (Pause.) Are you feeling well?
LINDY: Pretty well, thank you. How are you?
JIM: I reckon I’m all right; how are you? — I mean — oh you’re all right — you just said so.
LINDY: Yes.
(Pause.)
JIM: How’s your mother?
LINDY: Fine.
JIM: Your father?
LINDY: Fine, thank you.
TIM: Your little sister?
LINDY: She’s all right.
JIM: And your brother?
LINDY: He’s right well.
Jim: Ain’t there a governess?
LINDY: Yes.
JIM: HOW’S she?
LINDY: Fine.
(Pause.)
JIM: HOW are all the niggers?
LINDY: All right, I reckon.
JIM: That’s good. You’re all right, ain’t you?
LINDY: Oh yes, thank you.
(Pause.)
JIM: Ah — ha! ha! (Laughs.)
LINDY: Are you ill?
JIM: Ill — Me? No, I ain’t sick.
LINDY: Then what are you laughing at?
JIM: Did you get those flowers I sent you?
LINDY: Flowers?
JIM: Yes, flowers.
LINDY: What flowers?
JIM: The ones I sent you.
LINDY: Why no. (Rings.) That’s powerful funny!
JIM: Didn’t you get them? I left them at the door.
(Enter Jeff.)
LINDY: Jeff, did I get some flowers this morning?
JEFF: Well, not exactly — You didn’t get ‘em, you received ‘em.
LINDY: Where are they?
JEFF: Why, yoh fathah — yoh fathah, he — he done planted ‘em.
LINDY: WThere? Where?
JEFF: (Waves both hands.) Oh, all ‘round.
LINDY: Where, Jeff?
JEFF: In de — in de ash can.
JIM: They ain’t going to grow in the ash can, Miss Lindy. No kind of flowers going to grow in the ash can.
LINDY: You may go, Jeff.
JIM: I reckon those flowers are ruined. I suspicion your father ain’t over crazy about me somehow.
LINDY: So?
JIM: Yes. No man that grows flowers is going to plant them in an ash can unless he doesn’t want them to grow, Miss Lindy.
LINDY: How astute you are.
JIM: Astute?
LINDY: Clever.
JIM: Oh yes, I am rather clever, but I don’t know — they don’t seem to care overmuch for me around here somehow.
LINDY: They don’t?
JIM: Father wanted me to go to war, but I didn’t care about it particularly. By the way, Miss Lindy, I’ve got a little matter I’d like to speak to you about.
LINDY: What’s that?
JIM: Do you want to get married?
LINDY: Eventually, I reckon. Why?
JIM: Oh, I just wondered.
LINDY: (Smiles.)
JIM: What do you think of me?
LINDY: What do I think of you?
JIM: Yes, for a husband.
LINDY: I reckon you’d make a good husband.
JIM: YOU do? — Say, that’s fine. Well Lindy —
LINDY: Miss Lindy!
JIM: Why, ain’t we engaged?
LINDY: (Laughing.) Oh horrors, no! I didn’t say a good husband for me. I said a good husband for somebody else.
JIM: (Crestfallen.) Then — then say you’ll be a sister to me.
LINDY: Why?
JIM: I was reading a story the other day, and the lady said she’d be a sister to the man she turned down.
LINDY: I’m afraid I can’t.
JIM: Well, could you be an aunt or a grandmother?
LINDY: Mr. Holworthy, my advice to you is right here: Before you come around proposing to a girl, you had better go out with my brother and the rest and do some fighting. Then people would have some use for you. Do you know why my father doesn’t like you?
JIM: Mmm —
LINDY: He thinks you are a coward.
JIM: (Calmly.) Does he?
LINDY: You’re a fine one! You sit right there and let me call you a coward, with no remonstrance?
JIM: What do you want me to do? — Hit you?
LINDY: Why didn’t you enlist when the rest did?
JIM: I thought one man wouldn’t make any difference and I didn’t care particularly how the war came out anyway, and there were plenty to go without me.
LINDY: Every man counts, Mr. Holworthy, and I and everyone else would respect you more if you had joined the army.
JIM: DO you really think so, Miss Lindy?
LINDY: Yes I do.
JIM: (Starting to go.) Well, goodbye.
LINDY: Where are you going?
JIM: I’m going to enlist.
(Exit Jim.)
(Enter Virginia on run.)
VIRGINIA: Oh Lindy, news, news! Our army is retreating and will pass by here within half an hour by the Royd Turnpike.
LINDY: And Charley’s regiment?
VIRGINIA: Your brother’s regiment is with them.
LINDY: Oh, what news! Mother! Mother! (Calling.)
MRS. D.: (Outside.) Yes Lindy?
LINDY: Come down quick. Virginia, how do you know?
VIRGINIA: The advance guard is already in sight. My little brother Dick rode out to make sure, and he was right. It’s Early’s division of Lee’s army.
(Enter Mrs. Douglas and Cecilia.)
MRS. D.: What’s the matter, Lindy? Oh, howdy, Virginia.
VIRGINIA: The army! Oh the army! Celia, rejoice, rejoice! Charley is coming home. Isn’t it perfectly romantic!
MRS. D.: For an hour perhaps.
VIRGINIA: (Sits at pano and plays “Away Down South in Dixie.”)
(Enter Tommy and Clara Douglas and Governess.)
TOMMY: Oh Mother, may I go out and see the soldiers? May I?
May I? (Jumfing with excitement.)
CLARA: Yes Mother, may I?
MRS. D.: Very well, children.
CLARA AND TOMMY: THANKS’ MOTHER.
(Exit Tommy and Clara on run.)
(Hoofbeats heard outside.)
(Enter Charley, followed by Percy.)
CHARLEY: Well Mother, I’m back again, Sister too, and Celia.
(Embraces them all in turn.) Mother, this is my friend, Lieutenant Altwater. He’s an English sympathizer who came over and joined us.
MRS. D, CECILIA, VIRGINIA AND LINDY: We’re glad to meet you, Lieutenant Altwater. (Etc.)
PERCY: Delighted, I’m sure. You know, I haven’t seen a girl for six months. I declare I thought I’d die! You know, I love the girls, and alas they return the compliment.