Complete Works of F. Scott Fitzgerald UK (Illustrated)

by F. Scott Fitzgerald

  Dada. Her name was Roxanna.

  Doris. Where did she get hold of you?

  Dada. My mother?

  Doris. Your paramour.

  Dada. She used to say to me: “Horatio — — “

  Doris. She probably used to say a lot more than that! Oh, I know how they handle old men like you. I’ve seen a lot of that. Slush is what appeals to old men like you.

  Dada. No — I said courtesy.

  Doris. You mean slush. What did she call you? — her old toodledums? And all that sort of thing? How perfectly disgusting!

  Out comes Jerry now, just in time to catch Dada’s next remark, and to realize that there’s persecution in the air.

  Dada [to Doris]. It’s been a hot day and I’ll ask you to excuse me. I never liked you, you know.

  Jerry. Say, Doris, why can’t you leave Dada alone? He’s got more important things to think about than your new dresses and your silk stockings.

  Doris. Got something more important than silk stockings, has he? Ask him!

  Jerry. Dada’s got a lot more to him than anybody ever gives him credit for, haven’t you, Dada?

  Doris[excitedly]. Yeah, yeah. All right. Wait till you hear what he’s done now. Wait till you hear. [To Dada.] Tell him what you did at your age. Some woman came up to him and said “Horatio — “ [She gives an awe-inspiring imitation of a passionate woman.] and he said: “Here — — “

  Jerry [interrupting]. What woman did?

  Doris. Her name was Roxanna. Ask him where all the money in the Treasury is. At his age.

  Jerry [in growing alarm]. Look at here, Doris — —

  Doris. The — old — dumb-bell! I take back what I said about your not being really crazy. [To Jerry.] Look out, he’ll begin to rave. [She pretends to be alarmed.] Yes, Dada, you’re a poached egg. It’s all right. I’ll send for the lunatic-asylum wagon.

  Dada. I’ve been working in the dark. I thought it best.

  Doris. You needn’t tell us all the disgusting details. Please respect my engagement. You must have bought her about everything in the world. No wonder I can’t get any good shoes in Washington. Jerry should have got you analyzed.

  Jerry now begins to realize that something appalling has indeed happened. He sits down weakly.

  Dada. I was working in the dark.

  Doris. Well, Jerry should of had you analyzed in the dark.

  Jerry [suddenly]. Char-lit!

  Charlotte[at the upper window]. Stop screaming at me!

  Jerry. Charlit, come on out here!

  Doris. Dada’s done something awful. At his age!

  Jerry. Hurry up out, Charlit!

  Charlotte. You wouldn’t want me to come out in my chemise, would you?

  Doris. It wouldn’t matter. We’ll be kicked out, anyways.

  Charlotte. Has Dada been drinking?

  Doris. Worse than that. Some woman’s got ahold of him.

  Charlotte. Don’t let him go till I come down. I can handle him.

  Mr. Jones comes out.

  Dada [impressively]. I think the world is coming to an end at three o’clock.

  Doris[wildly]. We’ve got a maniac here. Go get some rope.

  Mr. Jones [in horror]. Are you going to hang him?

  Out rushes Charlotte.

  Dada. The United States was the wealthiest country in all the world. It’s easier for a camel to pass through a needle’s eye than for a wealthy man to enter heaven.

  They all listen in expectant horror.

  So all the money in the Treasury I have had destroyed by fire, or dumped into the deep sea. We are all saved.

  Jerry. Do you mean to say that you haven’t even got five million dollars?

  Dada. I finished it all up yesterday. It was not easy. It took a lot of resourcefulness, but I did it.

  Jerry [in horror]. But I’ve got to have five million dollars this afternoon or I can’t get rid of Idaho, and I’ll be impeached!

  Dada [complacently]. We’re all saved.

  Jerry [wildly]. You mean we’re all lost!

  He sinks disconsolately into a chair and buries his face in his hands. Charlotte, who knew everything would go to pieces, stands over him with an “I told you so” air. Doris shakes her finger at Dada who shakes his finger vigorously back at her. Mr. Jones, with great presence of mind, produces the cocktail shaker and passes around the consoling glasses to the violently agitated household.

  *****

  *****

  *****

  At two-thirty the horizontal sunlight is bright upon the White House lawn. Through the office window the President can be seen, bent over his desk in an attitude of great dejection. And here comes the Honorable Snooks through the gate, looking as if he’d been sent for. Mr. Jones hurries forth from the White House to greet him.

  Snooks. Did you send for me, fella?

  Jones [excitedly]. I should say we did, Honorable Snooks. Sit down and I’ll get the President.

  As Mr. Jones goes in search of the President, Dada comes in through the gate at a triumphant tottering strut. He includes the Honorable Snooks in the splendor of his elation.

  Dada [jubilantly]. Hooray! Hooray! I worked in the dark, but I won out!

  Snooks [with profound disgust]. Well, if it ain’t Sandy Claus!

  Dada. This is a great day for me, Mr. — You see the world is coming to an end.

  Snooks. Well, Sandy Claus, everybody’s got a right to enjoy themselves their own way.

  Dada. That’s in strict confidence, you understand.

  Snooks. I wouldn’t spoil the surprise for nothin’.

  Out rushes Jerry.

  Jerry [in great excitement]. Honorable Snooks — Honorable Snooks — —

  Dada [suddenly]. Hooray! In at the finish.

  He tries to slap the Honorable Snooks on the back, but the Honorable Snooks steps out of the way, and Dada loses his balance. Snooks and Jerry pick him up.

  Jerry [suspiciously]. Dada, have you been drinking?

  Dada. Just a little bit. Just enough to fortify me. I never touched a drop before to-day.

  Snooks. You’re a naughty boy.

  Dada. Yes, I think I’ll go in and rest up for the big event.

  He wanders happily into the White House.

  Jerry [in a hushed voice]. Honorable Snooks, Dada has done something awful.

  Snooks [pointing after Dada]. Him?

  Jerry. He took all the money in the Treasury and destroyed it.

  Snooks. What type of talk is that? You tryin’ to kid me?

  Jerry. You see, he’s a very religious man, Honorable Snooks — —

  Snooks. You mean you ain’t got five million for me. [Jerry shakes his head.] Good night! This is a swell country. A bunch of Indian givers!

  Jerry. There’s no use cursing at me, Honorable Snooks. I’m a broken man myself.

  Snooks. Say, can the sob stuff an’ call up the Treasury. Get ‘em to strike off a couple billion dollars more. You’re the President, ain’t you?

  Cheering up a little, Jerry goes to the telephone. Jerry. Give me the Treasury Department… Say, this is President Frost speaking. I just wanted to ask you if you couldn’t strike off a little currency, see? About — about five million dollars, see? And if you didn’t know whose picture to put on ‘em you could put my picture on ‘em, see? I got a good picture I just had taken… You can’t strike any off?… Well, I just asked you… Well, I just thought I’d ask you… Well, no harm done — I just asked you — it didn’t hurt to ask, did it? [He rings off despondently.] It didn’t hurt ‘em to ask.

  Snooks. Nothin’ doin’, eh?

  In comes Mr. Jones.

  Jones. It’s all over, Mr. President. I’ve just received word that Chief Justice Fossile of the Supreme Court, accompanied by the Senate Committee on Inefficiency, is on his way to the White House.

  Jerry sits down, completely overcome. Jones retires.

  Snooks. They goin’ to throw you out on your ear, eh?

  Jerry [brooding]. It’s that low, m
ean bunch of people out in Idaho.

  Snooks, who has been ruminating on the situation, comes to a decision.

  Snooks. Look at here, Mr. President, I’m goin’ to help you out. I’ll pass up that five million bucks and we’ll make a straight swap of the BuzzardIslands for the State of Idaho.

  Jerry [in amazement]. You’ll give me the BuzzardIslands for the State of Idaho?

  Snooks nods. Jerry wrings his hand in great emotion. At this point Charlotte comes out of the White House. At the sight of the Honorable Snooks a somewhat disapproving expression passes over her face.

  Jerry [excitedly]. Charlit — Charlit. This gentleman has saved me.

  Charlotte[suspiciously]. Who is he?

  Jerry. His name is The Honorable Snooks, Charlit.

  Snooks [under Charlotte’s stern eye]. Well, I guess I got to be goin’.

  Charlotte. Won’t you stay for my husband’s impeachment? We’re having a few people in.

  Out comes Doris, accompanied by Dada. Dada is in such a state of exultation that much to Doris’s annoyance he is attempting a gavotte with her.

  Doris[repulsing him]. Say, haven’t I got enough troubles having to throw over my fiance, without having you try to do your indecent old dances with me?

  Dada sits down and regards the heavens with a long telescope.

  Jerry has now recovered his confidence and is marching up and down waving his arms and rehearsing speeches under his breath. Snooks taps Dada’s head and winks lewdly at Charlotte and Doris.

  Doris. Honestly, everybody seems to be going a little crazy around here. Is Jerry going to be fired or isn’t he?

  Charlotte. He says he isn’t, but I don’t believe him for a minute.

  Jones comes out, followed by an excitable Italian gentleman with long, musical hair.

  Jones. This gentleman said he had an appointment with Miss Doris.

  Jerry. Who are you?

  The Gentleman. I am Stutz-Mozart’s Orang-Outang Band. I am ordered to come here with my band at three o’clock to play high-class jazz at young lady’s wedding reception.

  Doris. I remember now. I did order him. It’s supposed to be the best jazz band in the country.

  Jerry [to Stutz-Mozart]. Don’t you know there’s going to be a big political crisis here at three o’clock?

  Doris. We can’t use you now, Mr. Stutz-Mozart. Anyways, I had to throw over my fiance on account of political reasons.

  Stutz-Mozart [indignantly]. But I have my orangoutang band outside.

  Charlotte[her eyes staring]. Real orang-outangs?

  Doris. Of course not. They just call it that because they look kind of like orang-outangs. And they play kind of like orang-outangs, sort of. I mean the way orang-outangs would play if they knew how to play at all.

  Jerry [to Stutz-Mozart]. Well, you’ll have to get them away from here. I can’t have a lot of senators and judges coming in and finding me with a bunch of men that look like orang-outangs.

  Stutz-Mozart. But I have been hired to play.

  Jerry. Yes, but what do you think people would say? They’d say: Yes, here’s a fine sort of President we’ve got. All his friends look sort of like orangoutangs.

  Stutz-Mozart. You waste my time. You pay me or else we play.

  Jerry. Look at here. If you’re one of these radical agitators my advice to you is to go right back where you came from.

  Stutz-Mozart. I came from Hoboken.

  He goes threateningly out the gate.

  Jones [announcing from the steps]. Chief Justice Fossile of the Supreme Court, accompanied by a committee from the Senate!

  Charlotte[to Jerry]. Speak right up to them. Show them you’re not just a vegetable.

  Here they come! Chief Justice Fossile, in a portentous white wig, is walking ponderously at the head of the procession. Five of the six Senators who follow him are large, grave gentlemen whose cutaway coats press in their swollen stomachs. Beside them Senator Fish seems frail and ineffectual.

  The delegation comes to a halt before Jerry, who regards it defiantly, but with some uneasiness.

  Judge Fossile. To the President of the United States — greetings.

  Jerry [nervously]. Greetings yourself.

  Mr. Jones has provided chairs, and the Senators seat themselves in a row, with Judge Fossile in front. Fish looks miserably at Doris. The Honorable Snooks lurks in the shadow of the Special Tree.

  Judge Fossile. Mr. President, on the motion of the gentleman from Idaho — [He points to Fish, who tries unsuccessfully to shrink out of sight.] we have come to analyze you, with a view to impeachment.

  Jerry [sarcastically]. Oh, is that so? [He looks for encouragment at Charlotte. Charlotte grunts.]

  Judge Fossile. I believe that is the case, Senator Fish?

  Fish [nervously]. Yes, but personally I like him.

  Charlotte. Oh, you do, do you? [She nudges Jerry.] Speak right up to them like that.

  Jerry. Oh, you do, do you?

  Judge Fossile. Remove that woman!

  No one pays any attention to his request.

  Judge Fossile. Now, Mr. President, do you absolutely refuse to resign on the request of the Senator from Idaho?

  Jerry. You’re darn right I refuse!

  Judge Fossile. Well, then, I — —

  At this point Mr. Stutz-Mozart’s Orang-Outang Band outside of the wall launches into a jovial jazz rendition of “Way Down upon the SuwaneeRiver.” Suspecting it to be the national anthem, the Senators glance at each other uneasily, and then, removing their silk hats, get to their feet, one by one. Even Judge Fossile stands at respectful attention until the number dies away.

  Jerry. Ha-ha! That wasn’t “The Star-Spangled Banner.”

  The Senators look confused.

  Doris[tragically]. This was to have been my wedding reception day.

  Senator Fish begins to weep softly to himself.

  Judge Fossile [angrily to Jerry]. This is preposterous, sir! You’re a dangerous man! You’re a menace to the nation!We will proceed no further. Have you anything to say before we vote on the motion made by the State of Idaho?

  Charlotte. Yes, he has. He’s got a whole mouthful!

  Doris. This is the feature moment of my life. Cecil B. Demille would shoot it with ten cameras. Judge Fossile. Remove these women.

  The women are not removed.

  Jerry [nervously]. Gentlemen, before you take this step into your hands I want to put my best foot forward. Let us consider a few aspects. For instance, for the first aspect let us take, for example, the War of the Revolution. There was ancient Rome, for example. Let us not only live so that our children who live after us, but also that our ancestors who preceded us and fought to make this country what it is!

  General applause.

  And now, gentlemen, a boy to-day is a man to-morrow — or, rather, in a few years. Consider the winning of the West — Daniel Boone and Kit Carson, and in our own time Buffalo Bill and — and Jesse James!

  Prolonged applause.

  Finally, in closing, I want to tell you about a vision of mine that I seem to see. I seem to see Columbia — Columbia — ah — blindfolded — ah — covered with scales — driving the ship of state over the battle-fields of the republic into the heart of the golden West and the cotton-fields of the sunny South.

  Great applause. Mr. Jones, with his customary thoughtfulness, serves a round of cocktails.

  Judge Fossile [sternly]. Gentlemen, you must not let yourselves be moved by this man’s impassioned rhetoric. The State of Idaho has moved his impeachment. We shall put it to a vote — —

  Jerry [interrupting]. Listen here, Judge Fossile, a state has got to be part of a country in order to impeach anybody, don’t they?

  Judge Fossile. Yes.

  Jerry. Well, the State of Idaho doesn’t belong to the United States any more.

  A general sensation. Senator Fish stands up and sits down.

  Judge Fossile. Then who does it belong to?

  Snooks [pushing his way to
the front]. It belongs to the nation of Irish Poland.