Hold the Light

by Ryan Sherwood

  The week passed and Sunday night rolled in without me knowing or caring, until there was a knock at the door. Then two. Then dozens it seemed, echoing around my head. My feet were asleep as I hobbled to the door in the blue shadows.

  "Hold on, hold on dammit," I grumbled and opened the door.

  She stood in the hallway with her sleek body nestled against the door. She stared at her fidgeting feet, unable to speak. My hand reached out and cupped her chin. Both my hand and her face flinched from the contact. Time seemed dead as we embraced and the world melted away. Jessica held me tightly then pulled away. Her blue eyes flinched and she looked at me cockeyed. Almost like she could see the killer inside. I could see it augment in her face. She loved me but something held her back and kept her reserved. And it was fear.

  Chapter 53

  All had been forgiven for the moment, or at least, understood. As time passed, Jessica grew used to me with the gift. Over time I had molded a routine and the gift had become so idle in appearance that she scarcely noticed it. Understanding and comforting me within the secure bounds she erected, was the only way she had to understand me. She truly tried to comprehend my duties and the distance I kept from her.

  She painfully watched as I wallowed myself to sleep some nights, but never did I entertain the idea of accepting the gift as a part of me. I accepted her as a part of me.

  The convict and Randy both took that ball of light in, not knowing it was Death, and assumed it as their duty. But in every moment of every day, I knew the gift wasn't me in the slightest. The life I had forged was me.

  Many people died a day so the trips were frequent, but not as much as I thought they would be. I figured I would be taking peoples lives left and right, but the trips occurred at amazing speeds in which my ethereal body shot across space and even time. Very few laws applied to me when the gift stole souls, but one thing did apply and that was the visions.

  Some days I'd just sit on the couch and stare off into my memory, vividly watching blood splatter or the sobbing of loved ones. The gift killed them with a cruel stroke and let the doctor's figure out what happened. Once the soul was out, I just let go of it for it to travel on its own path as I stayed with the living.

  Days like that were hard as hell. The only thing that got me through it was Jessica.

  "What happens to you on your trips?" She'd often ask.

  "I die a little," I'd often respond.

  So many trips were too much for me to revisit and she would hear nothing of them. These were the ones that kept me up all night.

  We lived our lives like that. Day in and day out. Just being together was enough for me and that's when I realized that there was only one thing left to do.

  I proposed to her at the end of that year. Beautiful days were carved out and my heart filled with love and warmth. Years passed in our marriage and we tried having children. On some nights I wondered if I was actually a dead man with a pulse, that I could never produce children. Also, the death trips would tend to kill the mood.

  It took so long for me to warm up.

  Even though we tried harder each day, she couldn't get pregnant and we were getting frustrated. Every attempt seemed futile and I began to feel worthless again. My Dad's voice rained down on me in his heavy and dismal tone. Nothing could get me far enough away from the words he left; no matter how hard I disassociated myself from him. Those eyes of his stared at me from wherever the dead go, calling from the grave saying, "You're totally unfit for any challenge, boy."

  But all I had was hope and belief. I wished I could solidify those qualities and look at them. I prayed my efforts would congeal so I could hold them in my arms. Solid proof to show my Dad, to convince him I became a better man than he could ever be.

  Chapter 54

  Our fifth year of marriage came and things were on an upswing. I was promoted at work; it seemed my convulsions were something people could get used to. But the real news was Jessica got pregnant shortly after our anniversary. We were so intensely happy that we never stopped smiling. I'd touch her belly and we'd giggle. She was almost two months along.

  "I can't wait to feel it kick," I said running my fingers gently along her exposed stomach.

  "We can play music to her and talk," Jessica said wiggling around on the bed, nestling closer to me.

  "Her? And what if it's a boy?"

  "Then that's your fault," she winked, triggering a swarm of butterflies in my stomach, "That means you didn't give me what I want."

  "Getting picky, eh?"

  "Oh! You just wait until my mood swings come."

  "Ah. You think they haven't come yet?" I rolled over on my side laughing.

  "You can't escape me that easily!" She accused and tickled me. See rolled over into my arms and I held her close. We relaxed together until her face grimaced. She shrugged the pain off only for it to come back.

  "Oh, sweetie I'll be right back," she said, getting up quickly and jogging to the bathroom.

  "What's the matter, honey?" I asked, but she rushed into the bathroom without answering.

  The door closed and I looked around our room. I checked out the random pictures of us that spotted the walls. Her curling iron on the dresser caught my attention and I followed its cord to the outlet.

  "We're gonna need outlet covers," I muttered and tried to think of more baby preparations.

  This is the room of parents now, a place we'll rarely see as we run back and forth from the crib. It'll be a haven from nightmares and a place to hide the Christmas presents.

  "Hey, honey," I asked the silence behind the bathroom door, "You fall in?"

  I knocked and waited. I imagined I'd catch her staring in the mirror at her stomach, poking at her belly. A minute passed and I knocked again without an answer. I turned the knob and walked in on her. There she stood, staring in the mirror like I had thought, with her shirt up exposing her midsection. Slipping behind her, I slid a hand across her soft, flat stomach and watched her in the mirror with a smile, but she stared blankly.

  "Jessica, honey?"

  She stared into the mirror and held her stomach.

  "It's alright, honey," I said, "I know it's quite a responsibility."

  A deep frown etched in her face and her bottom lip sucked into her mouth. She trembled uncontrollably. At first I thought it was me shaking. I watched her in the reflection as her eyes glistened in terror. She slowly turned to me and placed both her shaky palms on my chest. Maybe it was me? Her knees caved and she slid down and crashed to the tile floor. I crouched down to comfort her.

  "It's all right, sweetie," I said, caressing her cheek.

  Pulling her knees close to her breast, tears streamed down her cheeks and between my fingers. The fur of her sweater tickled my wrist and brushed against my cheek as I hugged her.

  "It's alright, Jess," I coaxed her, trembling.

  Trying to talk was the toughest part for her. Her eyes strained as she looked away from me. I caught something in my peripheral vision that shattered all our hopes with blood.

  "Why did this happen?" she cried as I followed my sight.

  Life was tough enough and she was strong, but nothing could prepare her for this. I crawled on all fours across the stinging brightness of the bathroom floor, my eyes squinting as I approached the toilet and saw a tiny red spot inside the side of the bowl. I leaned in closer and saw more blood.

  Fear circled within my chest and head, as did guilt and remorse. I trembled and shook as a frigidity gust through me. I wanted to crawl away but I was glued to the porcelain, staring at my child.

  "Oh God," I coughed.

  "Oh my God ...she's gone," cried Jessica, as she watched me shake. She leaned towards me and yelled, "No! God no! Why? Oh God, why?"

  I couldn't move until the shock drained from my head. I attempted to gain my bearings but I was too disoriented. I turned around, pressed my back against the toilet and looked at her.

  "Because that's how it's supposed to be," I rubbed my hands up and down
my face.

  I couldn't believe I had just said that. With all the information I thought I knew, that's the crappy infinite wisdom I could utter.

  "No, that's not how it's supposed to be George. We were supposed to have a baby!"

  I sat in silence as something crowded the back of my mind. A distant and heavy feeling dampened a section of my consciousness. I couldn't identify it, but it was terribly familiar.

  "What am I supposed to do now? It's so small ..."

  "Jessica ...," I had to pause, my teeth were chattering. "I know."

  "No, you don't!" She barked, "She didn't grow inside you."

  "I know! It was my baby, too." I said staring at the shower curtain, "I just don't want you to turn into me. That's all. This is what I see all the time! This is what you wanted to know about me! I know what this does to you if you let it. All I'm trying to say is that our baby..."

  I didn't know where I was going with that sentence. I sat in silence to stop from saying anything worse.

  "And is that supposed to make me feel better?" she screamed.

  An inner feeling churned hard and deep, grinding within her. I could see it in her eyes. I often saw it in my own eyes. It's the fear of yourself, knowing you'll never be able to forgive your own actions.

  "Oh God George, our baby," she reached for me and cried, burying her head deeper into my chest as she hoped she could take it all back, "Dead...I killed ..."

  "No," I said sternly. "No, you didn't."

  She shook terrible and cursed herself. Then it hit her. She looked up at me appalled. Her eyes were wide and recoiled from me and scurried to the sink, holding onto it to pull herself up. Jessica rose into a slouch and faced the wall, took a deep breath, and turned to look into the mirror. Her own face greeted her differently. Age cut in around her mouth and eyes, as her whole face grew discernibly different.

  "I can't even look at myself," Jessica moaned woefully as she crashed back to the floor and into my arms.

  With a sniffle, she pulled from my chest with an odd and curious look. Her eyes probed my face for answers before she even spoke.

  "You ..." she stuttered, "You were here the whole time right?"

  "Um yeah, right here by you."

  "No, no, I mean here," she widened her eyes and rubbed her belly, "Did you do this? I saw you shuddering but I couldn't tell. Did you take her?"

  "I ...I don't know. I was in shock. I don't remember."

  The only thing I was worried about was if I could be the strong one this time, to pull her through this hardship. She cried on the linoleum as rain pattered against the small window. The downpour hit hard and the bathroom closed in on us from all sides. I was lost in our loss. We floated in a sea of agony atop of a soft throw rug. I held her close as I felt the ground begin to undulate. I held her to comfort her and to stay afloat. I needed an anchor. But I submerged nevertheless. I capsized into the blood and water in the toilet. I screamed into the liquid. Bubbles surrounded my face and rolled across my eyes, stinging as they fled upwards. Water rushed down my throat and filled my stomach. I gurgled and tried to cough it all out, but it was too much. My mind choked and gasped trying to stay buoyant as the fluid dumped into me. Torrents rushed in and then abruptly stopped. My mind sloshed about in the fluid, slowly listing from side to side and making me seasick. Vertigo threatened to overrun me until I grabbed a hold of myself and drained my remorse. I tried to wring all the guilt out, but no matter how hard I pressed, a bit lingered behind and soaked a corner of my mind. And that guilt weighed tons.

  I held my wife tighter and rocked her back and forth.

  Chapter 55

  We each hesitated every time we came near the bathroom door. Thirteen weeks passed before Jessica was able to walk into the bathroom and not dwell on the miscarriage. I watched her gently tiptoe around as she readied for work. She had overcome but, on this particular day, I was overcome.

  The day was bad from the start. I sat in a chair under the small shards of light that stole into the room. The apartment and I were unkempt and all I could do was sit and stare at the wall with my hands poised near my mouth.

  "Lemme call you in, sweetie," she said, leaning out of the bathroom.

  "Yeah," I said, "Not doing well."

  She got off the phone and landed a gentle hand on my shoulder, calming me with the physical contact as the rest of my body convulsed. Rearing my head to look at her, I placed a hand on top of hers and tried to smile.

  A dimple appeared in her cheek as she leaned in and kissed my forehead,

  "Please George, take it easy today."

  "Thanks ...love you."

  "Love ya, too," Jessica smiled and kissed me. She pulled back with a sour look then quickly smirked to cover it up. I wonder if I'm getting that bitter?

  She turned and left for work.

  Time passed as it always does, neither feeling slow or fast, it just passed. I hadn't noticed a convulsion since she left. All I could think about was Jessica.

  "My hands are shaking. Was that the door? No. I did hear a noise?"

  Focusing on any one thing proved difficult as my eyes felt like they went cross. The only thing I could see was the light floating in my apartment. The beams came towards me and I laughed. They almost tickled.

  "Another noise - it sounds closer. From the window?"

  My curiosity climaxed as drowsiness rushed over me and I fought sleep. Sitting limply in the chair, sorrow settled on me. Sunlight warmed my skin and my blood felt tainted with the thin heat. My head pounded and my heart ached and I knew something was coming.

  I braced for an exorbitant amount of trips as Death, ready for whatever was threatening, but nothing came. Bags loosely drooped from my eyes.

  I rubbed my hands over the arms of the chair and gathered momentum to stand. I rose and swooshed along the wood floor, creaking towards the window. I bunched the curtains in my hand and yanked the cloth away. A barrage of light from the rising sun attacked me. My old knife wound throbbed.

  I sulked away from the bright sun. My shadow spanned across the floor behind me and I watched it scurry and cower away. I slowly spread my fingers along the windowpane and the brilliant rays spilled between them and around my body, encompassing my dark figure in pure light. I looked over the skyline.

  I stood a vigil over my city from far above. Feelings rose from the streets in waves, rippling from the cement, and into my head as a sensation of satisfaction. The streets were crowded as people bustled along without a care. Every one of those bodies that scrambled around could be next.

  I'm after them, Oh God, after them all.

  Tears welled in my eyes and I was cast aside from my own race. I was a stain, a blemish on the record of humanity. Even my shadow backed away.

  But that was old news, nothing but unless thought. I reached towards my trench coat that was draped over the couch. I walked over and grabbed it and opened the window. A smile stretched across my face. This was the only recognizable time that I felt happy with myself. This was the time I realized I had to find a way out. If I just left the race then there would be harmony and everyone would be safe. No more me, no more death. I could stop it all. No more sadness, no more loss.

  With a screech, the window opened and I stepped out into the open air.

  I sent a stride into the open sky many stories up and it landed with a clank on the heavy metal fire escape. I sat keeping a careful watch over the doomed.

  "But that's alright," I mumbled, "Because I'll save you. I save you all from me."

  Chapter 56

  Jessica came home and treaded softly into the living room, chilled by the breeze rushing in. A plate of my food scraps sat on the floor near the window. I could hear her keys drop against the end table. She looked out the window to see me sitting there, watching the sunset.

  "Oh God ...you scared the hell of out me. What are you doing?" She sighed trying to calm down, "How are you doing, sweetie?"

  "Better. Much better," I turned to her.

  "Wha
cha looking at?" She smiled as relief rushed all over her face.

  "The light."

  Spanning the dim horizon, twilight engulfed the world as the beams of the late day hours began to disappear. It was the most amazing sight and I shared it with my love. I was joined with the atmosphere and mixed in the purple and orange haze of clouds, living with the light and making peace with it.

  A mass of dark clouds loomed nearby though. My brain nagged for me to stay, but it was time to fight again. All the clouds merged and muscled the sunset away as storm clouds rumbled into the city.

  "How long have you been out here, George?"