Insight

by Jolene Perry

  Mom smiles as I get closer. “Jump in, honey. I want to take you to dinner.”

  I reach out for the side door, and Landon appears next to me.

  “What?” I’m still exhausted from my conversation with Landon.

  “What did you see?” he whispers and raises an eyebrow.

  “Do you believe me?” I put my hands on my hips trying to show way more bravery than I feel.

  “Tell me.” He leans too close to be in front of my mother and too close to be in front of his friends. I breathe in the smell of him again.

  “Keep her away from Cameron. He…” I don’t know how to continue. “She doesn’t want him as close as he wants to be.”

  “When?” His voice sounds urgent, and his face is so close to mine I can feel his warmth.

  “I thought we covered this.” It comes out harsher than it should. “I have no idea.”

  I climb in the passenger’s side of my mom’s van. The window is rolled down, so I can hear them talking as Landon jogs to the Jeep.

  “What’s with you and Micah?” Brigitte’s frowning, and her body is turned away from him.

  “Saving me from boredom which is more than I can say for you assholes.” Landon laughs and jumps into the back in one easy leap. He acts like he’s completely unbothered, which he might be.

  “Those your friends?” Mom asks as she starts to back out of the driveway.

  I don’t know how to answer. “Just Landon. I don’t know any of them that well.”

  “He’s cute,” Mom comments.

  “Landon’s a nosy jerk.” I chew hard on my thumbnail.

  Mom gives me her best, ‘really?’ look. “But he’s your friend?”

  “I don’t know.” I have no idea what Landon and I are.

  Maybe all that happened today was that I ended up a distraction for his boredom. I don’t want to hope for more than that, but suddenly I do.

  TWELVE

  Mom and I walk into the pizza restaurant with its deep red and brick walls, and dim lighting, scanning for Ethan. I’m not sure how I feel about eating with Ethan and his two girls, but here we are.

  “Over there.” Mom starts toward the corner, and I follow.

  She sits, giving me full view of the four people waiting.

  Wait. “Steven? What are you doing here?”

  “Wow, that’s quite a welcome.” He’s only half successful in holding in his smile as he pulls out the chair next to him and motions for me to sit.

  “No, I’m sorry. I thought you were staying with your uncle.” I sit down, careful not to be too close.

  “Ethan’s my uncle,” he says. “Did that not come up?”

  “But he lives in that small apartment.” Steven and Landon’s uncle is in a small apartment?

  “His wife kept the house. I figured he’d end up in the house where you and your mother are.” He shrugs as he sits back down.

  I open my mouth to say something, but I know Ethan’s how Mom got the job. Ethan could be in the house we’re living in, but he’s in a two-bedroom apartment with Steven and occasionally his daughters. He’s really watching out for her. Mom could definitely do worse. I look down the table at Ethan, and he smiles in return. I try to smile back, but I’m not sure how it comes off. Wow. My eyes catch Steven’s.

  “Oh.” He raises his eyebrows in understanding.

  “My mom doesn’t know he gave up that house. Please don’t say anything.” I lean closer.

  “No, no, it’s okay. I won’t say anything.” Now Steven, too, looks between Mom and Ethan. They’re sitting as close as they can and probably doing something really disgustingly sweet like holding hands under the table.

  “Thank you.” It won’t ease my guilt, but it will help hers.

  “So, Micah.” Ethan looks down the table at me. “These are my daughters, Lilly and Kia.”

  “Nice to meet you.” The girls are identical. Brown shiny hair that falls just past their shoulders, and they have the same brown eyes as their dad. Both are skinny and in the middle of that awkward fourteen year old stage.

  “Hey.” One of them gives me a brief smile.

  They both have phones on their laps, probably texting friends. It’s fine. Making nice with two fourteen year-olds isn’t high on my list. Mom’s still sitting as close to Ethan as she can without being obvious or indecent for being in the company of kids, and they look at one another way more than necessary.

  “He likes her a lot,” Steven whispers.

  “The same goes for her. I’ve never seen my mom like this.” I stick my fork into a slice of pizza. Distraction.

  What would happen if they got married? I mean, I guess I’m leaving soon for college, but what would it feel like coming home to visit if Mom was with Ethan?

  “Is that good? Bad?” He leans forward on the table. Kia and Lilly are still texting across from us, it’s paused by the occasional question from their dad and giggles, nothing else.

  “I’m glad to see Mom so happy.” Did I just say too much?

  “Good.” He takes another large bite.

  But now I’m curious. I haven’t seen that panic/anger/Micah vision from Landon. Maybe it’s gone. Just a bump, and I’d know. But no matter what, I need to brace myself before touching Steven so I don’t react.

  I grab my fork in one hand, and re-cross my legs under the table, purposefully bumping his leg with mine.

  Panic. Anger. He’s running. Landon’s next to him. I’m way out near the trees, and someone’s near me, but I can’t make out who it is. Only someone tall in dark clothing.

  What’s going to happen to me? Why is there panic and anger? My heart begins to hammer, and real fear begins to take hold. Now that my other pictures seem to be leveling out—I’m friends with Landon (I think), Mom and Ethan are headed somewhere good (I think), I’ve (maybe) helped Dad with Carol, this is the one dangling thing still left.

  “See, Micah?” Steven smiles. “We can hang out and talk. It works fine.”

  Ha ha. “You’re right.” I nod, hoping he doesn’t hear me trying way too hard. “It works fine.”

  THIRTEEN

  A knock on the door forces me to wrap my blanket around my shoulders, wipe my nose, drop the tissue in my overflowing bucket, and get up. I switch the deadbolt and stand aside to open the door.

  “You weren’t at school today.” Landon’s voice is accusatory. He’s in a school sweatshirt, and his hands are stuffed in his pockets. He looks pale and maybe a little shocked. His face is too still for Landon. It’s like the shadow from the weekend after Lacey is back, but there’s something else there, too. Something I don’t recognize.

  “Maybe I was worried that you were going to start pushing me into everyone you know as some big joke.” I shrug deeper into my blanket.

  “I believe you.”

  My heart stops. He’s serious. I’ve never seen a face on Landon like the one he’s showing me now. It’s soft and full of things I don’t understand and probably don’t want to face.

  “It’s freaky, gives me chills. Like the Twilight Zone.” I wait for his smirk, but it doesn’t come.

  “You’ve already used that one up, Landon.” I try to sound bored, but I’m completely on edge.

  He believes me, and he’s here.

  “The Blair Witch Project then.” He leans forward slightly. “Can I come in?”

  “We’re back to witches now?” Again, I pull my blanket more tightly around me.

  “Please?” He looks more than a little freaked out. His eyes are wider than normal and there’s more seriousness on his face than I’ve ever seen.

  “I’m sick.” I look down at my slippers, pajama pants and the obvious fact that I’m wearing a blanket.

  “Mrs. Hobbs came in today and said her favorite cat died over the weekend and would we all be extra nice to her. Her big orange cat she named after Garfield.”

  “Oh.” I know I can’t stand here and have this conversation. “Come on in.” I back up until he comes through the doorway. I’v
e noticed Landon. Any girl would be an idiot not to at least notice him, but to see his muscular frame coming through my doorway feels significant. I breathe in as he walks past me. Even after school, he smells good.

  “Not just that. Cameron got hammered. Both he and Lisa disappeared. I found them in a room. Her eyes were all wide and scared and Cameron was on top of her, but he so wasted he could barely move.”

  “Wow.” I breathe out. I helped someone. I said something to Landon, and Lisa’s night was probably different than it would have been if I hadn’t. Something changed because of what I saw. That’s what Dad meant. I can change things. I, can change things. Wow. The whole idea of it washes through my body leaving me feeling weak.

  Lacey.

  I didn’t even try.

  My legs buckle, and I half flop to sitting on the edge of the couch. I should have called her parents, gotten her in trouble so she couldn’t go out. Something. I just didn’t know enough. No timing. No specifics. Why didn’t I try? I need air.

  Now my brain goes to the vision of me from Steven and Landon. I don’t have any specifics on what might or might not happen to me. Only that both Landon and his cousin will be there. How on earth will I stop something when I have no specifics at all? Only that it hasn’t happened yet?

  “How did you know about Steven?” he asks.

  Good. Think about Steven. “How do you?”

  “He’s my cousin.”

  Right. Of course. “He sat next to me in the cafeteria, and I bumped against him.” His father’s face, and the feeling of fear still hit me.

  His brows come together. “That can’t be a fun thing to see.”

  “A lot of it isn’t.” Our eyes lock for a moment. It’s starting to be real to him, what I do. Now is when I have to tell him about Lacey. If I can.

  Landon sits next to me on the couch. “I don’t have any spies in my parent’s bedroom or anything, but she bought a red dress for some function they have going on in the city tomorrow.”

  “Oh.” My heart’s going crazy—half from having him so close, and half because I’m sort of in disbelief at what he’s telling me.

  “And…” He looks away from me, out the window and back to me again. “Last night was the first night I’ve been at a party and didn’t drink.”

  “Why are you telling me this?” Just say we’re friends. We’re friends. Wow. Landon’s here. We’re talking. Sharing. That’s got to be friends.

  His phone rings, and he pulls it from his back pocket with a grimace. “Oh, crap.”

  “Who is it?”

  “Brigitte.” He stares at the phone as if it might explode.

  “You know, if she annoys you, there’s a solution to that.” I pull my legs up on the couch and cross them in front of me.

  “I know, but I don’t know if I want to deal with the after-math. She’s crazy enough right now. I mean we’re only kind of dating and… I don’t want to talk about her.” He slides his phone back into his pocket.

  “Well, there’s a reason to stay with someone. Not wanting to deal with the after-math.” I snort and am immediately embarrassed.

  Landon reaches out and touches my hand briefly. I suck in a breath. It’s the same, the kiss, the feeling, the boathouse. I’m relieved it isn’t the fear one.

  “See? You don’t react like that to everyone. You’re making me crazy here. Is it good? Am I gonna die or something?” And his voice is teasing, but there’s a touch of honest curiosity there, too.

  “No.” I laugh. “I just… I’ll tell you after it happens, okay?” My cheeks start to turn red as I realize how much I really, really want it to happen. Could I actually do that? Kiss him?

  “You see me with a girl? Is it Julianne Hough? Cause she’s totally hot.” He grins and starts to look more like himself. Tanned face, floppy blond hair, big smile, shining hazel eyes. More relaxed and like everything is a big fun joke.

  “Nope. Sorry.” I shake my head, and I guess after thinking about her, kissing me would probably be a serious letdown. This is all a game to him. Or it feels that way now, and I’d honestly rather keep that feeling in the room than anything else. Anything else is too intense.

  We sit in silence. I know my mom will be home soon. It’s okay. She won’t mind that Landon’s here, but it will lead to questions from her that I don’t know how to answer.

  “I want to know more. I want to know what it’s like, what you’ve seen. Does your mom know?” He leans toward me. And just like that, the teasing is gone. He’s intent on me again.

  I shake my head. “She doesn’t know. I hate that she doesn’t know. I asked her about the pictures when I was in kindergarten and she looked at me with this worried expression on her face. It was the first time I realized not everyone can do what I do.” That moment still hits me hard. Every time I think about it.

  “Your dad?”

  “Him too, and he knows. I just found out on my last trip.”

  “Wow. So you’ve been holding on to all of this all by yourself for like—”

  “Ever. Yes.” Having two people know makes me wonder why I didn’t tell anyone sooner. It feels indescribable to have someone believe me. I’m lighter.

  “Have you ever seen something bad?” He rests his elbows on his knees. “I mean, like Steven?”

  I stare, debating whether or not to say anything. Lacey. There’s a rock in my gut. I want to hide. I can’t tell him that. He’s barely recovered. It would just send him down. Is that why I don’t want to tell him? Or is it more selfish than that? He interrupts my thoughts.

  “It’s the least you can do since you won’t tell me my future, or past or whatever.” He’s practically begging with his eyes.

  Maybe it’ll be a relief to say it all out loud. Landon and I are supposed to get close, right? Apparently, he’ll like me. I shouldn’t be afraid. But I am. I suck in a deep breath and tell him a different story. A safer story. “There was this girl that I used to sit next to in Biology. We shared a table so we bumped into one another a lot. I always saw her in a hospital bed, gasping for air, voices all around. She was terrified, certain she’d die.

  “I felt this responsibility to make sure it never happened, even though I had no idea how to go about changing things. But as I learned about her, I found out that she had a pace-maker for her heart. The fear of it happening again defined a lot of her life, so I guess that’s why I saw it. It was hard living that moment every time she bumped into me. Unable to breathe. Certain I would die. It was terrifying.”

  “So, you feel things, too?”

  I nod.

  His smile is back. “So, my parents… My mom’s back against the wall.” He wags his brows. And we’re back to the teasing Landon, which is a relief, even though he’s teasing me.

  “It’s just a flash, Landon.” I’m irritated, but more embarrassed because for a moment I do feel those things. Will he think I’m as weird as I do? That I’m some crazy anomaly?

  “So does the vision stay as long as you make contact or does it just flash and go away?” He leans toward me again.

  My heart beats. “Just flashes, and then it’s gone.”

  Landon scoots closer. Our arms touch.

  I feel it, the kiss, his feeling, the boathouse, the hands…

  I let my head rest on the top of his shoulder. I’m shocked that I do it. I’ve just felt us together through him so I don’t think until I’m there. When I realize my head is on his shoulder I want to pull away. But I don’t want to because it feels good to sit with someone like this. Someone who isn’t one of my parents.

  It was good that I didn’t talk about Lacey. He needs this, too, right? Closeness? Or maybe he really doesn’t, since I’m sure he has no trouble finding someone to share time with.

  He reaches to my lap with his hand and touches my fingers with his.

  My breathing gets shallow. My ribs lock in place. Despite what I saw, I still don’t know if I can do this.

  Landon’s fingers keep moving until my hand is in his and
our fingers are laced together. It seems like it should be the most silly, juvenile gesture in the world, but it isn’t. His hand is large and warm and mine gets lost in his. Warm tingling radiates up my arm and settles in my chest. I let out a relaxing breath and concentrate on how he feels in the vision of him kissing me. It brings a new kind of tension. One I like feeling.

  “I’m home!” Mom calls from the doorway.

  Landon jumps up, dropping my hand.

  Just like that my tension is gone. I laugh at his reaction and the panicked, wide-eyed look on his face. “In here, Mom.”

  “Hey, Landon.” She smiles as she walks into the living room. “How are you doing today?”

  “I was just popping in, you know, to say hi.” He shifts his weight and doesn’t look at me. He puts his hands in his back pockets as his body stiffens.

  I try to hold in my laugh at how he’s fidgeting. It helps my built-up nervous energy slowly disappear.

  “Well, you’re welcome any time. I’m sure Micah enjoyed the distraction. She gets bored when she’s stuck home sick.”

  “Thanks, you know, for rescuing me from boredom. You’re good at that.” I laugh a little, knowing he’ll catch my reference.

  “You, too.” He glances back and forth between Mom and me. “I should get going.”

  “Well, don’t run out on my account. I’m about to spend an hour in a hot shower.” Mom laughs and disappears into the bathroom.

  “So, your mom is pretty laidback?” Landon’s still standing in the middle of the living room.

  “It’s always been just the two of us and she trusts me, so yeah, she’s pretty laidback.”

  “Thanks, Micah.” His voice is quiet and his face looks tense, like he’s thinking hard about something.

  “For what exactly?” All I’d done was dump on him. And not even as much as I could have.

  “Sharing. Trusting me enough to share. I don’t know.” His eyes, head and body make this sweep to look around the room.

  “Oh.” I’m still sort of amazed that he knows. But that trust word comes out, and I see Lacey’s face as she jogs up the stairs of our school. Nope. That doesn’t have anything to do with trust. The timing isn’t good. Not now. It’s too soon.