by Maya Hughes
Once I made it crystal clear more than once during undergrad that I wasn’t the slightest bit interested, he’d been an insufferable prick. I could only hope that he would be as professional as possible around Heath, if Stevenson okayed the swap. I bit my thumbnail and stared at my phone, willing a reply to come in.
Heath was an easygoing guy who knew his shit. There wouldn’t be a reason for Jason to nitpick him. And I could still help Heath if he needed it, but being in charge of his grade, even in a suggestion capacity, was a one-way ticket to an ethics violation.
Running my hands across my face, I leaned back in my chair. Heath’s smell lingered on my skin. I shook my head. He made me laugh, even when I shouldn’t. Mom and Dad’s words came back to me about not going out and enjoying the fruits of my hard work. I needed more of that because apparently one fun night out—okay, it had been more than one and a hell of a lot more than fun, but maybe it was because I’d let go a little that I felt that connection to him. Maybe it was circumstantial because I’d been deprived.
I kept touching my lips every few minutes, rubbing my fingers over them. It had been the longest we’d gone without seeing each other since that first night. Opening my notebook again, I scribbled down a few more lines that had been floating in my mind. I could still feel the heat of his touch.
I needed a distraction or I was going to drive myself insane. Pacing in my bedroom, I glanced over at my desk and those warm, fuzzy feelings evaporated by the tell-tale heart thumping away in the desk drawer. I hadn’t gotten rid of Angie’s letter. That first letter that started all of this. I’d read it over more than once and I still didn’t know what to do.
Every time I looked at the desk, I thought of the hidden folder in my inbox. I checked the folder. A big shiny 1 stared back at me beside the folder. Clenching my fingers together, they hovered over the folder. I’d asked for a distraction, right?
I sat on the edge of my bed, took a deep breath and opened the email.
My dearest Kara,
I can’t begin to explain how sad I was when I got your last email. I know I have no right. I know the expectation that you’d even want to see me again isn’t something I deserve, but I’d hoped I could see you.
I’ll give you as much time and space as you need before you’re ready, and maybe you never will be. It’s the hardest thing I’ve learned about my recovery. Some things can’t be fixed, and if me staying away is what you need to live a happy and healthy life, then I’ll do that because you deserve that and more.
I love you more than anything, and maybe one day you can forgive me.
A tear dripped down onto the screen, and I brushed it away, wiping away the ones on my face. I couldn’t see her. I couldn’t face another disappointment when it came to her. And what did I even do about it? Was I supposed to open my arms to her after all these years? After everything she’d done? After every advantage Carla and Mike had given me? All the love they gave me and the home they gave me, how could I invite someone who’d taken so much from me back into my life?
There was a sharp knock on my door, and it swung wide open as Lauren bounded in. The only one in the family with little to no boundaries. I slid my phone under my pillow, and she stopped short when she saw me.
I slapped a smile on my face, and she crossed the room and stood in front of me.
“What’s wrong?”
“It’s nothing. I’m fine.”
“Why are your eyes all red?” She crossed her arms over her chest.
”I poked myself in my eye.” Bringing up my mom was exactly what we didn’t need. A reminder that we were both late additions to the family. I didn’t want Lauren to worry about anything to do with my life before or even her life before. She was younger than me when she came home, but happy kids didn’t get taken away from their parents. I knew her history, and she knew some of mine.
She raised an eyebrow. “Both eyes? Because they are both red.”
“Yeah, both eyes.” I avoided her gaze and unpacked my bag, stacking my books on my bed.
She stood there with her arms crossed over her chest. Usually we shared most things, but most things in my life up until that point hadn’t included my mom and a hot guy I couldn’t keep my hands off.
“What? Why did you come in here?”
She was sheltered in some ways, not knowing about running the streets, getting into trouble and finding her way to guys she should probably avoid. Any hint of that wasn’t something I needed to introduce to this house.
“It’s Wednesday.”
I closed my eyes. Wednesday movie night had been a tradition ever since I’d moved back to Philly. We’d make brownies or bake something else, pop some popcorn and hang out together. It was Carla and Mike’s date night.
“I can’t, Lauren. It’s the beginning of the semester, and I have tons of work to do. I can’t do movie night tonight.” I glanced up at her, and she dropped her arms to her sides, giving me the most pitiful look of teenage disappointment.
“Fine.” She stormed out of the room.
I wasn’t exactly the best of company, and I certainly wasn’t going to load her up with my adult problems. She had the rest of her life for that. I guess this was what happened when you lived a completely boring life up until your twenties—your teenage sister expected you to share everything with her.
Talking to her about a guy asking me out that I wasn’t interested in or how much homework I had was one thing. Bringing up my mom wanting to meet, how I was ready to spill my innermost thoughts into a notebook until it was covered in my black ink, or how much I couldn’t handle the thought of not seeing Heath outside of our weekly sessions were strictly off-limits.
I flopped back onto my bed. My mind was mush. I wasn’t going to get any work done. Writing would only make me think of Angie, and that was the last thing I needed. Maybe I should go downstairs and watch a movie to veg out a bit, but Lauren would ask questions. She’d want to know what upset me, and I wasn’t going to tell her.
Rolling over, I picked up my phone and sent a message to the group chat.
Me: Anyone want to grab a drink?
Sam: How much money do you want? We’ll pay anything!
Me: What?
Sam: This is obviously a kidnapper who’s stolen Kara’s phone. Don’t you touch a hair on her head or I swear I’ll come after you.
Anne: She has a particular set of skills.
Charles: Hell yeah, she does.
Sam: Shut up, Charlie.
Charles: Charles.
Anne: Oh god, not this again. Stop it, children.
Sam: You know I’m always up for a drink. Tell me when.
Me: At nine?
Carla and Mike would be back from their dinner by then, and I could pop out.
Sam: Wooohooo. Let’s do this!
Three hours later I’d given up on pretending to study. I stared at the notebook on my bed like a viper ready to strike at any second. My fingers were wrapped so tightly around my pen my knuckles were white.
I couldn’t focus, and if I was already off my studying game, might as well go get a couple drinks and make that inability to focus more fun. I checked the time and knocked on Lauren’s door. No answer.
Sliding my arms into my coat, I rushed down the steps when the front door opened at quarter to nine. Mom and Dad came in holding hands, laughing and letting in a blast of cold air behind them.
They were everything I’d always wanted. Wanted in a home. In parents. Beautiful, kind, sweet, and fun. I’d always be grateful to them for not only giving me a family, but they showed me what a relationship should look like. The path I was heading down with my mom would have led to disaster in no time.
“You’re going out?” Mom turned to me with a smile reaching her eyes.
I buttoned my coat. “A beginning-of-the-semester meet up. I won’t be too late.”
“Okay, be safe.” A hint of worry entered her gaze.
“I’ll be completely safe. Nothing crazy. Some snacks and a d
rink or two.”
“Have fun.” Dad winked at me.
Pecking her and Dad on their cheeks, I slid between them and out the front door.
My stomach churned. Glancing over my shoulder, the pair stood in the doorway, waving to me. Did they think I was going out too much? That I might be following in Angie’s footsteps drinking too often. My shoulders hunched as I gripped the collar of my coat, tugging it higher as a sharp gust of wintry air swirled past me. The slush from the snow bunched under my shoes as I got into the back of the taxi I’d ordered.
The front door closed as I pulled away from the house. I’d come home hungover during the break the first night I’d spent with Heath. My throat thick with emotions I tramped down, I stared at my phone. I’d never done that before, and Mom was worried about me. I’d upset her and made her worry. Wrapping my arms around my stomach, I stared out the window as the leafless trees whipped past the windows.
I tapped my phone against my palm. Closing my eyes, I shoved it into my pocket. The one person I wanted to call most was the one person I couldn’t.
22
Heath
I grabbed my phone off the bench and wiped the sweat off my face.
Emmett: Back in town. Going to The Bramble. You up for it?
My breath came out in pants. I’d been skating for hours, but the gnawing burn in my chest hadn’t gone away. I could ignore the pain in my legs, but the yawning chasm of self-doubt was only the beginning.
We’d lost another game. The guys were counting on me, but it was like everyone had forgotten how to function on the ice. One of us was laying in the hospital bed. We’d been invincible on the ice. Not a serious injury on the team for years. Our invincibility had been a foregone conclusion, now everything was in doubt. Preston’s presence had pulled us together in a way we didn’t even understand until he was gone. He was the glue.
Declan climbed into the box after me and plopped down.
“Want to grab a drink after this?” I shook my phone at him.
“If it means we can cut this torture session short, then hell yeah. As soon as I can feel my legs again, I’m up for it.” He closed his eyes and leaned back. His chest rose and fell. “I can text Mak and she’ll meet us at Threes.”
“I didn’t mean Threes. I meant at The Bramble. Emmett’s back in town, and he wanted to know.”
“Oh.” Declan tugged his jersey over his head.
“Oh? That’s all you have to say?”
“I’m meeting Mak after, and I don’t think she’d really be up for hanging with Emmett.”
“Why not? She was hanging out with him before New Year’s.”
“That was a whole group of people. I have a feeling she was also a bit distracted. But he’s not exactly one of her favorite people.”
“You mean because she’s friends with Avery.”
He grunted and stood, leaving the box beside the ice. I followed him, not ready to let this go. My anger was punching through as the door to the locker room closed behind him.
“You’re not going to hang out with Emmett anymore? Abandon him because Mak doesn’t like him.”
“Would you stop yelling? What the hell is up with you?”
I dragged my hands through my hair. Had I been yelling? I hadn’t even heard it. It was getting harder to keep a handle on things. The pressure was mounting. “Things are already screwed up. The last thing I need is you dropping the guys because Mak has a problem being around us.”
“She doesn’t have a problem being around you.” Declan ripped his pads off.
“Only Emmett.”
“She wouldn’t feel right being there with everything that went down with Emmett and Avery.”
“Everything that went down? Emmett caught Avery cheating on him the night he was going to propose. I’d say if there’s anyone who should be pissed off, it’s him.”
“Mak hasn’t told me the full story, but she said it wasn’t what everyone thought.”
My eyes got wide and my mouth hung open. “Dude, everyone in school was talking about it. He found her in that room with Fischer. No one freaks out like he did over nothing.”
Declan held his hands out at his side. “All I’m saying is what Mak said. Things can always be more complicated than they look. Hell, Mak and I hated each other’s guts for years.”
They had. But I’d seen what was simmering under all that animosity. At least they got to figure that out. They got a chance to find out what things could be like between them. I’d been hamstringed by not wanting to derail Kara’s life.
“What’s going on with you and the chick?” He wrapped a towel around his waist to head into the shower.
I dragged my hands down my face. Why did this have to be so complicated? Why couldn’t I pick the uncomplicated route? Why did I have to give my heart to a woman I’d destroy to have?
“She’s my independent study TA.” I stared at him.
His mouth hung open, and his eyes got so wide. I couldn’t help but laugh, even though it wasn’t remotely funny. A sharp bark of laughter to cover the fact that my head was a mess.
“Again? What the hell is it with you and going after your teachers?”
I grimaced. “She’s not my teacher. She’s not even giving me a grade, and I didn’t know she was going to be my TA when I met her. I only signed up for independent study after Preston got hurt and I became captain. I needed something more flexible. Now I’m trying to switch out into a normal class, but everything to satisfy my graduation requirements is full.” I threw my pads down on the bench.
Declan blew out a deep breath. “Damn, that sucks. What does that mean for the two of you?”
The last thing I wanted it to. “I’m going to stay away from her.”
“I mean, she showed up to the hospital with you. That seems pretty serious.”
I gritted my teeth.
“I know. It was. It is.” I shook my head. Things were getting more complicated by the second. “If I don’t want to ruin her career before she even starts, then I need to stay away. If anyone finds out we’ve been together, it could wreck everything for her and nullify my grade so I wouldn’t graduate.”
“I don’t even know why you’re still here, man. You could have gone pro straight from high school if you’d wanted.”
“I want to get my degree and I needed to graduate if our season was going to count. If I didn’t graduate we’d be screwed. I have to stay away from her for the rest of the semester.”
There were only two more days until my next session with Kara, and I’d been counting down the minutes until we’d be tucked away in that old, secluded office. At least I’d get to see her, even if I couldn’t touch her. Apparently I liked torture. Even more so when I showed up outside Emmett’s place. The hotel we’d spent two nights in. Bracing myself, I pushed through the lobby doors, half expecting to see Kara standing there.
We’d exchanged emails back and forth about a few things. Nothing but professional. I loved it when she talked botany to me.
The guy at the front desk got on the phone to call up to Emmett’s penthouse. He hung up after only saying my name into the receiver.
“If you take a left here, you’ll find the private elevator—“
“I know the way, thanks.”
A couple wheeled their bags up to the counter behind me. Leave it to Emmett to live in one of the best hotels in the city, even though he was barely here. I pressed the PH button once I got inside and shot up to the top floor of the hotel/apartment building. I guess when you had enough money, anything was an apartment.
I stepped out of the elevator and knocked on the only door in the entryway.
Emmett pulled open the door with a grim look on his face.
“Who died?” I winced at my poor choice of words. With everything going on with Preston, I didn’t want any news like that coming my way.
“My house, apparently.” Emmett rolled his eyes and waved me in.
“What do you mean your house?”
&nbs
p; “I broke up with the woman I was seeing before I flew out here.”
“Why’d you break up?”
He shrugged. “It seemed like it was time. She didn’t exactly take to our parting quite as amicably as I thought.”
He lifted his phone from his pocket and pulled up a home security app and turned on the cameras. There was shattered glass and torn clothes everywhere.
“Holy shit, you weren’t kidding.”
“Nope. I wasn’t. Security will be there in a few seconds. I figured it was better for her to get out her anger and rage now, plus I’ll have lots of evidence if this gets messy and I need to get a restraining order against her.”
“How many times have you done this?” I stared at him, really looking at him for the first time in a long time. The starry-eyed romantic was long gone. That part of him had died the night of our party senior year. I wished I could have been there. Maybe I could have helped somehow or stopped it or something, anything to have made it not hurt him so much.
“Seems my choices in women have never been great. She freaked out when I told her I wasn’t ready to get married.” He crossed to the fully stocked bar cart in his living room. The white and glass furniture filled his apartment. Everything was so bright I could have used sunglasses, and it was after nine.
“If you’ve got all that here, why the hell are we going out?”
“Staying here and drinking with you on our own doesn’t exactly seem like a fun night out to me. Plus, when my place is being trashed, I need more of a distraction than looking into your baby blues. You’ll see once you’re NHL.”
“Okay, so why are you fixing drinks?” Emmett didn’t make sense sometimes.
“Because, I got this delivered and I needed someone to try it with.”
He dropped two ice spheres into two glasses.
“What is it?” I eyed the glasses suspiciously.
