They always say you better be sorry you did something than not do it at all. That you should smile it happened. Yeah, but what’s the point of that? Isn’t not having something better than having it, and then lose it?
Wouldn’t it been better if I haven’t started this whole thing with Matt in the first place than having to accept it wouldn’t work out, and then I’d get all those painful memories of how perfect we were together? That’s my opinion. Maybe he doesn’t. I don’t know what’s in his mind and right now I’d do anything to know.
I thought again about what happened today at the office, everything was going so well and he seemed happy even though he still missed Ben, and that comment was just so typical Matt, because he’s like that and I should’ve known better, because I know him, right? And when you love someone you have to accept that person with his qualities and his flaws. That’s the way it is. Or the way it’s supposed to be, anyway.
Maybe he doesn’t think it’s a big deal. Otherwise he’ll be here now. Or he would’ve called. Maybe he doesn’t do all this thinking. And why would he? He’s a guy and everything’s so simple for them. No big deal, no wondering. It would’ve saved me a whole lot of time being able to take the easy way. Things are supposed to be simple but we complicate them with thinking.
And love’s complicated. And it’s supposed to be the simplest thing in the world, isn’t it? The most beautiful experience two people could share. But it’s not. Because it’s the little things that make a difference and sometimes we don’t think about that before we say or do something. And that could mess everything up. Just like that, in a second. And it’s so not fair.
I tried not to think about that or freak out because it was past 10 when the latest Arrow episode came to an end and I didn’t even start to think about Oliver’s past on that island or why his mother is being such a bitch. I just lied on the sofa and fell asleep a few minutes after.
~ Matt Nicholls ~
After everything that happened last night I wasn’t even sure I should go back to my apartment and face Emma. I wasn’t worthy of her and surely she was curious about why I haven’t even called or haven’t slept home last night. And I had no excuse or anything.
I walked around the hall of my floor for about 15 minutes without convincing myself to come in and see Emma. Everything was a mess and seeing her it would definitely make things more difficult than they are already.
When I opened the door I was sure Emma would be right there, but she wasn’t. I sighed in relief and walked into my room and tossed my jacket on the bed and ran a hand through my hair. Everything has been so fucked up in the last 24 hours and I wished I could just erase everything. And in moments like this I needed Ben, my best friend.
Of course I couldn’t talk to Rick about it, not that he wasn’t a good friend or anything and I know I’ve been a jackass with him, but he wouldn’t understand. God, he’d hate me if he knew. He’d fuckin’ kill me and I can’t blame him.
I went to take a quick shower than decided to go and check on Emma. She wasn’t in her bedroom and when I passed the living room, I noticed she fell asleep on the couch and realized she waited for me last night and I didn’t bother to come here and explain everything to her and make everything better. No, I had to be the stupidest jerk on the planet and blew everything like I knew I’d do in the first place.
“Hey…Ems,” I whispered as I tucked a strand of hair behind her ear.
“Matt!” she exclaimed wrapping her arms around my neck. “Where have you been?” she asked before kissing me.
“Um… I… I… We need to talk,” I said and she stared at me in surprise and nodded before kissing me again. I felt like the earth was gonna break and swallow me in that moment and I ran my hand through her messy hair.
“So? I’m… I’m sorry for yesterday, it’s just…”
“No, no! You have nothing to feel sorry about, it’s just that I’m a jerk and I’m stupid, and Emma, I’m sorry. I know I should be…” I took a pause and sighed. There was no easy way in saying this, especially when she held my hand so tight and she looked so tired and sad.
“No, seriously, I mean I just… overreacted,” she said with a shy smile. “It’s not… that I… I mean, it’s… You’re right, I mean…”
“Emma. I need to tell you something,” I said and she shook her head.
“Everything is just messed up, okay?” she continued without wanting to hear me out. “I have no idea how we should do this, because I’m… You know this could be…” she sighed and I looked over the room and stopped the impulse I have to leave. I couldn’t bear to listen to her struggling about this while I was just… stupid and not worthy of her.
“I know what you mean, but you have to listen to me, Emma…”
“No, please let me talk,” she said and I sighed.
“Yeah, sure, like always you do the talking without giving a fuck about what I have to say!” I yelled and she stared at me in surprise and even I was surprised by this. What the hell’s happening to me?
“What… do you mean?”
“I mean it’s always about what you feel and right now I wanted to say something, but like you did five years ago, you think you could decide for the both of us,” I said and immediately felt sorry about it.
“What?” she asked and her voice was so slow I could barely hear her.
“Look, this is complicated, okay? Because this is not about what happened yesterday, you’re just… I mean… You’re having doubts about it, right? That’s why you didn’t say anything about us to anyone. You’re just thinking I’d suck at this and that’s why you’re acting like that. Like you don’t care. Because you think I don’t care.”
“How can you even say it like that?” Emma yelled and I looked around the room. “Like you don’t give a damn!” she complained and ran a hand through her messy hair, and then she placed it on her hip and sighed.
“What do you know, Emma?” I yelled back at her. “It’s not like you were there!”
“What is that supposed to mean?”
“Exactly what it means. That you have no fucking idea, Emma, cause all you did was send me a fucking e-mail and say you don’t want a relationship with me because I’m not ‘boyfriend material’. How the fuck would you know that?” I yelled and she stared at me.
“Well, I thought…”
“No, you didn’t! You just left me like I wasn’t worthy of you or anything. And God, Emma, maybe you’re right. Maybe I’m not, no, you’re right, I’m surely not, but I wanted to be with you.”
“It’s not like you did anything and…”
“Do you think before opening your mouth?” I said and she blinked at me in surprise. “You’re the most stupid person I’ve ever met, Emma.”
“Fine,” she said and sighed.
“What? Fuck. No, no, I…” I took a step closer to her, and she took one away from me.
“You can’t say I didn’t care or that I didn’t feel anything,” she whispered to me and I noticed the tears in her eyes and I physically felt my heart aching.
“Emma, it’s…”
“No, you’re right. I am stupid and I shouldn’t have sent you that e-mail five years ago, but I was scared, okay?” she paused to take a breath and sighed. “I was scared things would get too good to be true, because you were too good to be true, and that I’d lose myself in this, that I’d lose my head and everything I stand for, and that I could be vulnerable. No one likes being vulnerable, right? I was afraid of getting involved because all my life I focused on things that could make me feel safe. I was afraid of getting hurt and yeah, the fault is mine, because life it’s about taking chances and I just couldn’t. I couldn’t afford to get hurt that bad so I chose the easy way. Staying away from you was one of the toughest things in my life and I know that now better than ever, now that I know that you’re actually greater than my understanding could go…” she finished with tears rolling down her cheeks.
“Ems…” I started,
and she shook her head. “I’m sorry. Hey. Look at me,” I told her as I placed my hand under her chin and made her look at me. “I’m sorry, love,” I said and she nodded. “We’re just acting stupidly,” I whispered and she nodded again and placed her hand on my shoulder.
I leaned and kissed her forehead and she took a step closer to me and in the same second I wrapped my hands around her and started kissing her passionately. She kissed me back in the same instant, her hands wrapping around my neck as she pulled me even closer to her. In the next moment we were lying on the couch and I was on top of her, kissing her passionately and she started unbuttoning my shirt with trembling hands.
“I love you, Emma,” I whispered while kissing her.
She stopped kissing me for a moment and placed her hand on my shoulder and stared at me in shock. I kissed her again, without saying anything because I didn’t actually expect her to say it back or anything, I just wanted her to know my feelings towards her.
“I love you, too,” she whispered softly and I smiled before kissing her again.
Chapter 25
Happiness
~*~ Emma West ~*~
I couldn’t believe everything that happened in the last twelve hours. I was lying next to Matt and his strong arms were wrapped around me and he was playing with a strand of my hair. That was really relaxing. I couldn’t get any sleep, even though I was exhausted because of recent events. Matt had said he loved me! I couldn’t believe this, after everything that happened and he said he felt the same.
“So what are we up to today?” Matt suddenly asked and I shrugged. “I have an idea,” he continued and I moved my head from his chest to look into his eyes and he smiled. “We could… stay here and continue what we did last night,” he finished with a smirk and I felt my cheeks burn.
Not a good time for blushing, Emma, could you just stop doing that?
“I… Yes, it’s… A decent idea,” I teased and he laughed as he trailed his finger on my back sending shivers through all my body. “Okay, it’s a really good idea,” I said and he nodded with a victorious smile.
“Ems, seriously, I’m sorry for all I’ve said earlier and I’m sorry for…”
“Stop it, okay?” I said and kissed him. “I’m sorry, too.”
“No, there is something I wanted to say to you, actually and it’s…”
“What about we skip talking and get to the point?” I asked and he raised an eyebrow and I kissed him again.
*
We stood in the middle of the kitchen, Matt wearing just a pair of boxers and looking so good it was almost illegal and I was wearing his shirt and I gotta say I liked how I looked. Matt decided we should do something to eat and he offered to do it while I was sitting on a chair with my elbows resting on the kitchen counter and staring at him shamelessly. The radio was on and some song was on the background, too low to recognize it.
“We should go to Vegas,” he said as he moved around the kitchen with a plate of pancakes in his hand.
“Vegas?” I asked and laughed and he gave me a sweet look.
“Yes. It’s close enough, an hour by plane… A few hours of driving… Maybe we should go with the driving,” he said with a shrug.
“Yeah, good idea,” I replied laughing and he took a seat next to me and placed his left arm around me and kissed my cheek.
“No, I mean it. We have been living in Los Angeles for how long? 6 years and a few months now? More? And we still haven’t gone to Las Vegas or… I don’t know, San Francisco. It’s unfair,” he said as he run his hand through my hair and pulled me closer to him.
“I guess we could… go to Vegas,” I agreed as I took a bite of his pancakes. “Man, those are awesome,” I said and he nodded.
“Just like me,” Matt bragged and I rolled my eyes and took another bite of it.
“Let me,” he said as he took the fork out of my hand and started feeding me like I was two years old.
I couldn’t stop laughing because he wasn’t serious, making airplane sounds or stories that would make me eat it and it was actually hilarious.
“I’d really like to know what you’d say to your brother if he walked in now,” Matt said as he placed a cup of hot coffee in front of me.
I stared at him and realized that the chances of Rick coming in were pretty high and I was actually surprised he didn’t bother us at all last night. I mean, normally he should’ve ask Matt where was I if he slept in my room like he did when I wasn’t at home. And I wasn’t ready to tell Rick. Or anyone. I told Gabrielle, but she was different and she was kind of my best friend, alongside Monica. And Monica would be thrilled if she knew about us. But I couldn’t say anything about it right now cause the things were pretty rough on her and if I were Monica, I would’ve hated to find out the rest of them are so happy around me and I’m the only one who’s miserable.
So I wasn’t ready to tell Rick anything, because considering how close he was or wished to be with Monica he would tell her and ruin everything.
Maybe it was a wise decision to keep this for a while longer because honestly I had no idea what I was doing. Yes, I was dating Matt but apart from that I knew nothing else. I wanted to tell him this, but it was stupid and I couldn’t just waste our time together talking about stupid things, right? I couldn’t let him know I had doubts about this thing and that I had no idea what I was doing.
I told him I loved him and that’s one of the truest things I’ve ever said and it felt so right at the moment, but now I was starting to freak out. What if I did something that would make him realize I’m not as great as he wanted me to be? What if I wasn’t good enough and I couldn’t do anything about that? See, I always had Matt to ask him questions like that, but right now I couldn’t. It was so easy asking for advice when I was dating other people, but right now was just awkward. Awkward because I knew him so well and he knew me even better.
“Baby…” he started before pressing his lips against mine for a second that felt like Heaven. “You’re overthinking again,” he whispered to me and I giggled.
See what I’m talking about? It’s freaking me out the way he knows me so well.
Plus we’re living together. How is this possible? You should start living with someone after you know him well enough and… Wait, you know Matt, Emma.
Stop it. Stop overthinking, I said to myself as I shook my head.
“What?” Matt asked as his hand slowly run up my thigh and I felt my cheeks burn once more.
Get used to it, stop acting like a teenager.
“God, you’re just so cute,” Matt said and kissed me and then a Tyler Ward’s song came to radio, I think it was “I won’t give up”, one of his amazing covers of Jason Mraz. “Come here,” he ordered as he took my hand and helped me to get up from my seat and walked me to the center of the kitchen and placed his left hand on my back and smiled so brightly I couldn’t stop but stare at his perfect smile. “It’s rude to stare,” he said as he sighed then kissed my forehead and murmured the words “I won’t give up on us even if the skies get rough.”
I left my head on his shoulder and smiled to myself. This couldn’t get better than this. I felt my heart racing as we slow danced in the kitchen and realized how perfect we were for each other. I remembered that moment when we danced in my kitchen at midnight that Christmas when I was home alone waiting for Rick.
“I love you, Emma,” Matt said and kissed my forehead.
“God, I love you, too,” I whispered back and kissed him. “So much it scared the hell out of me,” I confessed and he just smiled.
“Shut up for a while, okay?” he said as he kissed me once more, this time more passionate than before, pulling me closer to him as his hand caressed my back. I wrapped my hands around his neck pulling him closer to me and feeling his strong chest against mine and I wondered if he could feel my heart racing.
Matt placed me on the counter as he continued kissing me as his hands ran up all over my body and I started t
o forget how to breathe correctly. I ran my hand over his bare back as he started kissing my neck then suddenly pulled away.
“Man, I love this song,” he said as he smiled like a kid when the chorus of “Wherever you will go” by The Calling started playing.
“Me too,” I said, biting my lip.
“I wanna do that,” he said as he kissed me again and pulled away after he bit my lower lip and I started laughing. “Run away with my heart, run away with my all, run away with my love,” he sang and I kissed him once more before he picked me up and carried me to his bedroom while I complained because I was perfectly able of walking on my own. Yeah, when did Matt listen to me?
*
The rest of the weekend passed quickly between spending time in bed with Matt or taking night strolls on the beach and having breakfast on the beach at sunrise. That was actually one of the greatest things I’ve ever did and the fact that I was with Matt was also helping.
I tried not to think about it at least overthink like I always do, and I can proudly say I managed to do that successfully. It was hard to think about anything else when Matt was right there next to me, and he talked so much it made me dizzy.
I don’t remember a moment when Matt talked that much, but in the last few days he was talking all the time. Oh… Almost all the time. It’s not like I don’t enjoy it, I love listening to Matt talk about everything and he had a smile on his face the whole time and I loved how he always held my hand in his or the fact that he was kissing me for no apparent reason.
Maybe this would sound actually cheesy, but the city was more beautiful next to Matt. I never realized how perfect a night of March could be or that the sunrise could be perfect when you notice the sun lighting Matt’s features.
I don’t think Rick was home over the weekend, because I never saw him there and I was lucky enough because I didn’t have to give any explanation why I spent all the time with Matt nor I had to tell him about us. I knew at some point I had to tell him, but I knew that Rick wouldn’t like that cause after all I’m his sister and he always got all defensive when I talked about someone I was dating.
Perfect Match Page 26
