But then the thing with Emma happened and it was all I ever wanted and now was slipping out of my fingers and I couldn’t do anything about it.
And now all was so different than I would picture it. I wouldn’t have thought not in a million years I’d end up dating Monica and this to be so serious. And now Monica loved me. And I had no idea if I loved her back, just because of Emma.
I hated that she was in front of me looking so hurt and I couldn’t do anything to make it better. I’ve became exactly what I never wanted to be, I hurt Emma and that was what I’ve been trying not to do during all these years. I’ve been trying to avoid her having a broken heart, stupid boyfriends who didn’t deserve her or things like that.
And now I was the main source of her pain and I couldn’t help it. I felt useless because I wanted her to know it all, but I had no idea how to express everything I felt. It was like the day after Prom, when I had all those feelings, but she wouldn’t listen. And now it was the same situation, but now it was far worse. Now she really hated me and I couldn’t blame her. I only wanted a chance to explain, but how can you actually explain something like this?
That I’ve been so stupid enough to sleep with her best friend who was also my best friend’s girlfriend, and then with her, who was Rick’s sister and he wouldn’t talk to me anymore after that night when we last talked at Destiny’s. He was right after all.
“I mean that it doesn’t seem too big mistake if you’re still dating Monica,” she whispered and I felt my heart stop at those words.
“No, it’s just… It doesn’t mean anything, Emma…”
What? It doesn’t mean anything?
“What?” she yelled back at me, with her eyes wide opened. “How could you even say something like that? That she doesn’t mean anything? Okay, I understood none of the bitches you previously dated meant nothing, because they were just stupid enough not to care that you didn’t give a damn about them, but Monica is different! And you’re saying that “it doesn’t mean anything”? What’s the matter with you?”
“No, I just wanted to…”
“You know, you’re nothing like the Matt I used to know,” she said and I felt a terrible ache in my chest. I tried reaching for her, but she just avoided my touch. I sighed and she continued, “Maybe I didn’t even know you at all,” she whispered and I reached to her and took her in my arms and for a moment she didn’t even move.
“I’m sorry,” I whispered as I caressed her back. “I’m so sorry, Emma. I didn’t want this. I hate this. I just… I don’t know could we just… get over this?”
“I don’t even understand how you can say such thing,” she said and I pressed her harder into my chest.
“I love you, Emma. I mean it.”
She took a step back then her palm slapped my face. I looked away, knowing I deserved that. I saw the tears growing in her brown eyes and I hated myself for it.
“I can’t do this, I’m sorry,” Emma said turning on her heels and leaving my office.
*
“Hey, Emma,” I told her the next morning when she entered in my office and she just nodded. It was good that I saw her now. She wouldn’t go into my office even if it was something important.
All we did for more than a week and a half since she returned to work was talk through e-mail and she was trying to make it shorter. I only get e-mails like “Meeting at 11” or “Call Mr. Someone”, and if I asked something she’d reply shorty with a “yes” or “no”. I could understand her, but it was just hard.
“I thought we should talk,” she murmured as she took another step towards my office.
“Sure,” I replied and she nodded yet again and sat on the chair in front of my office with her arms crossed over her chest and she was doing her best trying to avoid meeting my eyes.
“I’m sorry I acted the way I did… in the last few weeks. Avoiding you like this,” she started and ran a hand through her straight hair.
“Oh, no, Emma, look I…”
“It’d be nice if you didn’t interrupt me, wouldn’t it?” she asked with a weak smile and I nodded. “It’s just it was pretty hard for me to understand it all and I still have trouble understanding it, but I’m open minded right now. At least more than I was a few weeks ago. “So anyway, I’m glad you’re happy now and Monica is happy too, that’s pretty obvious,” she said with a smile and I nodded. “It’s just… you have no idea how hard was at the beginning because I… All I wanted to do was tell you just how awful my days were and when something happened, again I wanted to tell you. And that’s why it was so wrong that we ruined everything we had. Because I think it was such a bad decision for…”
“No, it wasn’t. You can’t say that, Emma,” I interrupted her and she looked at me for a moment and then slightly nodded.
“Maybe it was. I mean… From where I stand it’s…”
“I’m sorry,” I said as I got up from my seat and sat next to her, taking her hand in mine.
“I know…” she murmured. “So anyway, all I know now is that I can get over… what happened and we can try to go back to… normal?” she suggested with a smile.
“And normal means?”
“Normal means we forget what happened after New York and go back to being friends.”
She said all of that without making a pause and I hardly had time to understand her. At first her words struck me, because I knew that’s not what I wanted, but what I wanted changed in the night I slept with Monica and I had no right to claim anything or try to change what I did.
“Yeah. That would be good,” I finally said and she nodded.
“Just don’t expect me to go out with you two, because I can’t do that. At least not now,” Emma warned me and I sighed. “We could just try to get along here. We still work together since I can’t find something to do. Not that I didn’t try,” she said and ran her hand through her hair and I smiled to myself at the fact that she still had her other hand in mine.
“You’ll find out some time. But don’t hurry, I like having you here,” I said sincerely.
“Of course,” she replied with an assuring smile.
And now we’re finally back to what we know best. Being friends.
Chapter 30
Worse than a nightmare
~*~ Emma West ~*~
At first even though I tried so hard to pretend everything was all right, it was so hard.
Hard to see the guy I love being also the one who makes me hate myself for loving him after what he’s done to me. Hard to act like we’re friends and we can have conversations about all sorts of things and have lunch together or coffee and that we can be us again.
And obviously there would be those awkward moments when I accidentally touch his hand while trying to get something from his desk or when we bump into each other when I want to enter his office without knocking and that would be weirder than it was before everything happened.
Everything told me that I should just get over it and accept the fact that he was happily dating Monica and they were somehow perfect for each other, but how could I? How could I forget every kiss we shared or every moment when everything seemed so great? Every feeling I had with him? I just couldn’t. And I couldn’t give up hope that he will realize somehow that I was the one for him.
God, Emma, you’re stupid, my mind scolded me disapprovingly.
Well, sue me! I fought back and ran my hand through my dark hair.
I don’t know if I like this new look of mine, cause I did it when I was so angry back in Connecticut and I ran into Hilary and she said I needed a change so she dragged me to the nearest salon and then we went shopping for what felt like the longest day ever. But it worked, those hours were the only ones when I haven’t thought of Matt and enjoyed spending time with someone else.
And then I realized the slutty look and all the clothes Hilary made me buy didn’t suit me.
But I couldn’t help wearing a super short skirt on my first da
y back to work and purposely leaving a couple of buttons unbuttoned of my white shirt. And I noticed Matt’s surprise regarding my new look and at the moment I really wanted to know what he thought about it. Maybe I looked ridiculous trying to be more… sexy? Just like Monica is. But she does that without trying. She’s exotic, beautiful, funny… Okay, making a list of Monica’s qualities doesn’t help.
I thought it would be weird spending time with Monica because if I were her, I wouldn’t have stopped talking about how perfect Matt is. But she doesn’t talk that much about him and I wonder if she knows something or if she just thinks she’s insisted too much for me to date him and now that she’s dating him it would be weird. And somehow… It is weird, but I forgave her after I realized she had no idea I wanted Matt. So… Unless I’m being totally immature and irrational, I can’t say it’s her fault. And she’d hate me if she found out that I slept with him right before she told me they were dating. But they were dating that moment.
Spending time with Monica was good, because I’ve always loved her and we got along so good to let my jealousy interfere between us. The same way goes with Matt. Even if I couldn’t have it all with him, it still would be better than nothing.
*
It has been over six months since I started working again with Matt, and that means that it was over eight months since we broke up back then.
So that’s why I was so surprised when I got to work on Monday and found Matt sitting at his desk, having his head in his palms and looking rather tired. He never got to work before I got there, especially on Mondays. He usually bragged about the fact that I was always the one who is late, but obviously he is.
“Yellow,” I greeted with a smile on my face and he jumped out his chair as if he didn’t even hear me enter his office. “What’s with you?” I asked with a laugh that disappeared when he looked at me. “What?”
“Um… I think I did a huge mistake, Emma,” he whispered and I froze.
Maybe he finally realized I was the one for him and that he spent eight months with Monica for nothing. That he had been stupid and I was… Wait, stop it! You’re being delusional.
“Tell me,” I said as I sat on the chair in front of his desk and gave him a weak smile.
“So… I don’t… I don’t know if I should tell you this or…” he sighed and started pacing around the office.
“Just tell me already, stop making me curious. We’re friends, right?” I said and I felt my heart ache at that word.
“Okay… Look, I’m sorry, Emma, okay?”
“Just say it,” I said with a giggle. He was so funny being so worried.
“I…” he took another long pause to pace around the office like he couldn’t walk and talk at the same time. “I asked Monica to marry me.”
“What?” I yelled as I jumped out of my chair.
Matt met my gaze for a second and I froze. This was true. Not a joke. Matt was getting married to Monica, not me. He wouldn’t realize now that I was the one for him. I couldn’t have him anymore. I felt the tears forming in my eyes and hated myself for it. I couldn’t show weakness or any other sign that would make him understand that I was still in love with him.
“I’m sorry,” he whispered and took a step closer to me. “Look, it really was a mistake.”
“How can you say that?” I whispered at him and he shrugged. “It’s not like you… just said it because you were bored or something. It’s really…”
“I know. But I… I… I’m sorry, Emma.”
“Why?”
“Because we were just… standing there and there was this moment and I said ‘I think you should marry me’ out of the sudden and she said ‘yes’. It was surprising.”
“I… I asked why you’re sorry. You keep saying you’re sorry.”
“I am. For… everything.”
“Let’s not go there, okay?” I whispered and he nodded.
I sat again on the chair and ran a hand through my hair and wished he didn’t notice the tears in my eyes. I just wanted this to be a nightmare. I couldn’t believe he actually loved her.
“This should be good, you should be happy,” I heard myself speaking without even thinking. “Then why are you feeling so miserable?”
“Because I don’t… I don’t know.”
I nodded and let my head back as my mind reminded me the moments we shared. I couldn’t do this. God, I really thought I could be just friends with Matt again and that I could leave aside everything that had happened, but it was impossible. I wanted him so badly and he was marrying my best friend. He was marrying someone else.
“You know, I do… care about her,” Matt said and I sighed.
He was doing this for quite a while wondering about if this was the best thing. I didn’t know anymore, I was trying to stop caring about the fact that Matt and Monica had a great relationship and that I won’t date Matt. Never again. The thought still made my heart sunk and the tears fall without my approval, but I was fighting it now.
It was better this way though. Monica and Matt were a great couple and they were both happy and I tried my best to recover my friendship with Matt and get over the awkward moments after what happened between us over half a year ago.
“I know that, Matthew,” I said and he lifted his head and smiled at me and my heart skipped a beat. “But seriously. Marriage?” I asked and he shrugged his shoulders and got back to the documents in front of them and frowned.
“She’s really excited about this, you know.”
“Of course she is any girl would be,” I replied with a grin.
“Yes, but… You know. I… I just…”
“I know you care about her. You said it about a billion times. But do you love her enough to marry her? Have you even thought about it?” I asked and a giggle escaped from my mouth and he frowned again.
“Of course I thought about it. It seems great. We’re having a pretty good relationship, you know.”
“Yeah, I do know,” I said without thinking about the tone I used. It sounded sad. He looked at me again and sighed.
We stopped talking about happened between us since we talked about it a few months ago, and I decided to get over it and recover my best friend. It was awful to think I could lose Monica or Matt, but both of them? And think that I won’t be able to spend time with him anymore. So I decided to be a grown up and get over it.
“Anyway, so yeah I thought about this. After it slipped,” he said with a weak smile. “I even talked to Ben about it.”
“And he’s cool?” Somehow I wish he would say ‘no’. I didn’t want Ben to agree to this. He loved Monica.
“You know… Kind of. He said he agrees with everything I decide,” he shrugged and I nodded.
Of course. Because that’s what friends do. They support their friends in every stupid thing they do. And I had to accept that Matt and Monica’s relationship was great. And that they were gonna get married.
Matt told me once that they knew each other pretty well and there was no need to fool around anymore. He was almost 27 now and she was 25 and a half. I couldn’t believe how time flew, but it just did. They moved in together two months after they started dating, and that was really fast considering Monica and Ben moved in together after four years of relationship. But I couldn’t do anything about it and in fact I didn’t want to.
Though thinking that Matt, the first and only guy I ever loved - so far - was getting married to one of my best friends was a little bit disturbing. Not just disturbing, but heartbreaking. And I couldn’t understand how I should act or what to say about it.
“You still haven’t answered me. You changed the subject like you always do,” I complained and he laughed.
“I learned from the best,” he said and winked at me and I rolled my eyes.
“So do you love her enough to marry her?” I repeated and he sighed.
“I don’t know. I didn’t even say that to her. I mean, I think she knows that I…”
“Care about her,” I continued and he laughed and nodded.
“You know, I’m a guy. Guys don’t just say they love girls that easily. I never said that to anyone,” he paused then opened his mouth to say something, but I said it first.
“You said it to me,” I said and realize I didn’t want to go there. “Twice.”
“I know,” he said and I nodded.
“So what’s different about her?”
“I meant it, Emma,” he continued and I looked into his deep, blue eyes and felt my heart started beating faster and my breath was caught in my throat. “Every time I said it. I meant it.”
“Yeah, I know,” I whispered and he sighed.
It was awkward to talk about it. I didn’t feel the need to tell him I felt it too, because he knew that. I mean, I’m almost positive he knew it. He knew me too well not to notice it and I made a fuss about it when he said he was dating Monica, so… He probably knew I was completely crazy about him. Not anymore. I mean… You can’t stop loving someone overnight, right? I know it’s been more than half a year and I should’ve gotten over it, but… Not so simple, okay? At least he doesn’t know that anymore, right?
“I think I do love her, you know? I mean, I’m marrying her,” he continued and I shrugged.
“If you say so,” I said and took a sip of my Starbucks latte. “Thank you for this. I never know what to ask for, you know? Even though this is my favorite.”
“Anytime, Ems,” he said with a smile. “It would be good if you stop being so clumsy, though,” he laughed and I glared at him then I smiled.
*
I was knocking on Gabrielle’s door harder than I should. I needed someone to tell me to breath and let go. So I knocked on her door again. I couldn’t hear any noise from her apartment, but she should’ve been at home at this hour. I spent a few extra hours at work helping Matt with a report and I rushed over Gabrielle’s to talk to her, and now I was standing in front of her door waiting.
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