Another New Life

by Sydney Aaliyah Michelle

  "I’ll say a little of both. That feels good, but I need a hot shower." He stood up and stretched. His vertebrate cracked. I curled back up in the warmth of the covers and dozed off, thinking how lucky I was and how things really were right with the world.

  The campus buzzed about Troy and his first college start. The rest of the week flew by and even up until the fourth quarter of the game, all was still right with the world.

  It had been a close game. Texas Tech scored a field goal on their first possession. The Longhorns answered with a touchdown, and the two teams traded touchdowns for the rest of the game.

  Troy tossed for two touchdowns. Ryan ran for two more. Troy's last touchdown pass was a forty-yard bomb over the middle into David's outstretched hands. The stadium erupted.

  The Longhorns kicked the extra point, and we were up by four with ninety seconds to play. And then it happened.

  I felt the shift in the universe. The air grew cold, and a silence fell across the stadium.

  The Longhorns received a penalty on the kickoff, which allowed Texas Tech to start their drive on the forty-five yard line.

  Texas Tech's quarterback threw the ball, and it bounced off his receiver's hands around the ten-yard line, but time ran out. We won, right? Wrong.

  The referee called another penalty, this time on our corner for pass interference. It put the ball fifteen yards closer to the goal line. They got one more play. Something bad was about to happen.

  Their quarterback passed to his running back in the end zone, and they scored. They didn't even have to kick the extra point. Texas Tech won.

  Someone let the air out of the stadium. Defeat hurt. The stunned crowd headed for the exits, but I couldn't move. I watched Troy. He ran over to congratulate the other team’s quarterback. He grabbed and hugged as many of his defensive teammates as he could, spent extra time with the player who committed the penalty. He was taking it hard, but after Troy spoke to him, he held his head a little higher as he headed off the field.

  My heart ached watching Troy take care of his team. Troy found me in the stands before entering the tunnel and blew me a kiss and mouthed, “I love you.”

  I blew him a kiss back, but even this sweet gesture did nothing to elevate my mood, which was rare. Troy's affection always lifted my spirits. I told myself I was being silly. I told myself everything was fine. I thought the worst was over, but the shift continued, and I couldn't do anything to stop it.

  ***

  Darcy and I headed back to the dorm to change and wait for Troy to swing by and get us after the game.

  I received a text message from Ryan thirty minutes later.

  Ryan: Downstairs picking up Stac, Troy said to give you and D a ride; he's going to be a minute.

  "Is he okay?" I asked Ryan as we climbed in the back of his car.

  "Yeah, tying up some loose ends. He's fine."

  My phone beeped. "See. That's probably him."

  Troy: Hi, babe, I'll meet you at Thompson's in 30 mins.

  Miranda: Are you okay? Sorry about the game.

  Troy: No, I'm fine. Thanks, it sucks, but I'm fine. See you soon.

  We walked into Thompson's. It seemed like the whole stadium packed into this one room. Darcy and I headed to the back porch. I noticed how no one's behavior conveyed the team had lost the biggest game of the season. Even Ryan, who hated to lose, seemed to be taking it all in stride. He watched the door. I noticed because I watched it, too, waiting for Troy to arrive.

  My hopes would lift every time the door swung open, and I'd be disappointed every time.

  After thirty minutes had passed, I texted Troy, but he didn't text me back.

  After forty-five minutes, I went looking for Ryan. I found him with his tongue down Stacy's throat. They tossed back shots and made out in the corner, as if the end of the world were upon us. I didn't understand at the time, but it wasn't far from the truth. I didn't want to interrupt. It looked like the loss affected him after all. Ryan didn't usually drink.

  It made me worry about Troy even more.

  After an hour, the walls began to close in, and I needed some air.

  "I'm going to head home.”

  "You want me to come?” Darcy asked. Her arm wrapped around the neck of another blond-haired frat boy.

  "No. Stay, have fun. I’ll see you back home."

  I walked out the back door and around to the front of the house. I spotted Troy heading to the front door. I opened my mouth to call him, but stopped. He was with some guy. I didn't recognize him, but felt as if I knew him. He had dark hair and a stocky build, much shorter than Troy, and older.

  I took a few steps closer, but my feet stopped moving, and my heart felt like it was about to jump out of my chest. I couldn't catch my breath. Am I having a heart attack?

  I reached up and grabbed a tree branch a few inches above my head. I wanted to cry out for help, but my voice failed me. I tried to take a deep breath, but my brain registered panic. I tried to slow my heart down, as my brain scanned my internal database at lightening speed trying to identify the guy.

  I leaned over trying to calm myself. It was there on the tip of my brain, but I couldn't quite focus.

  Until I heard his voice.

  "I can't believe you're here," Troy said.

  "I couldn't miss my little brother's first college start."

  ***

  I lost it. My insides clutched together like in a vise, and my whole body convulsed as I threw up breakfast and lunch. After I had emptied my stomach, my body continued to dry heave and shake. I willed myself to stop before I hurt myself. I wiped the sweat out of my eyes and tried to stand up straight. Dizziness took over, and I grabbed the tree again.

  When the dizziness and panic subsided, all I had left were tears. Hot, thick tears fell from my eyes. I didn't bother wiping them away. I took one step forward while still holding on to the branch for support. I took another step and confident I could walk on my own. I let go. I walked past the party and down the street. I turned left at the corner and then took off in a sprint.

  I thought about heading to the dorm, but didn't want Troy to find me. I headed toward Aunt Alaina's instead.

  I arrived ten minutes later, soaking wet from sweat, puffy-eyed, and the back of my throat felt raw. I rang the bell and knocked on the door.

  I didn't know what state I would find Aunt Alaina, but I didn't need her to be there for me. I needed a place to hide for the night and a place to think.

  Alaina answered the door as I knocked again.

  "Miranda, oh my God, sweetie, what's wrong?"

  I didn't say a word. I collapsed in her arms, and she caught me.

  At least she's not drunk, I thought to myself, but the aroma of weed wafted off of her clothes. I inhaled it, hopping for a contact buzz, anything to quiet my mind.

  "Oh sweetie, what happened?" she said, stroking my hair. "Is it Troy?"

  I moaned at the sound of his name.

  She pulled me inside and shut the door. She stood at the door for a few minutes holding me before she guided me into the kitchen, sat me in a chair, and handed me a glass of water. I drank it all in a few gulps, ignoring the pain at the back of my throat.

  "You want something stronger?"

  "No, but I'll take a hit of that." I pointed to the ashtray on the counter. She was about to refuse, but thought better of it. She lit it and handed it to me.

  I took a long drag. This wasn't my first joint.

  I took another drag and handed it back to her.

  She took a drag herself, put it out, and took a seat across the table.

  "You want to tell me what happened?"

  For a second, I thought about making something up. Troy and I got in a fight or something. Hell, Troy beating the shit out of me would be easier to say out loud then the truth.

  "After the game, Troy was supposed to pick me up, and we were going to a friend's house party."

  I still had a chance to bail on the truth, but I continued. "Ry—that's Troy's
best friend—came to pick me up instead, and said Troy was taking care of something. I didn't think anything of it.

  "I waited for him for almost an hour. I was tired, and the party was loud and crowded. I headed out the back of the house and walked around to the front and found Troy talking to some guy. The guy looked familiar, but I couldn't place him. Until he spoke."

  I stopped talking, and Alaina stared at me. I knew it was killing her, but I wasn't sure I could continue. I'd never said it out loud.

  "Who was it?" She had to ask.

  "The man who walked into the party with Troy was his half-brother, Scott."

  The expectant look on Alaina's face pushed me on. "Scott was the boy who molested me when I was a kid."

  Scott was fourteen at the time, I think. He didn't live with Troy. He visited once every few months for a long weekend. He lived with his mom the rest of the time.

  It happened over the course of three years. As I think back, it seemed innocent: a lingering kiss on my neck, a hug with his hands touching my butt. He always wanted me to sit on his lap. I didn't think anything of it. I didn't know it was bad.

  I remember this one time; Troy and Scott came over to watch TV in my game room. We were watching wrestling.

  "We should wrestle," Scott said.

  We pulled out the hideaway bed, and Troy and Scott crawled on the mattress and proceeded to mimic the moves from TV.

  My mom must have been home because I remember the smell of bacon reaching its way upstairs, and it made my stomach growl. I'd been down the stairs to grab a snack twice already, and mom told me not to come down again. To distract myself, I cheered Troy on as he pinned his brother. They counted, "One, two, and three, you’re out," like they did on TV.

  "I want to play," I said.

  "Girls can't play wrestling," Scott said.

  "Yes they can, I seen it on TV."

  "No, you'll get hurt and then go cry to your mom, and I'll get in trouble," he said.

  "No, I promise, I won't tell."

  "Okay."

  I climbed on the bed as Troy got on the floor. He rang an imaginary bell, and I leaped on top of the Scott. He let me pin him a couple of times. Troy counted him out. We laughed. I forgot about my hunger. Troy got bored or found something on television to hold his interest. He had his back to us. Scott started pinning me, but when I counted "One, two and three," he didn't get off of me.

  He pinned me down holding my hands over my head, and he would grind his hips into me and bite me on the neck.

  He whispered, "That's how girls are supposed to wrestle."

  The weight of him on me didn't hurt, and the kisses kind of tickled. He would pretend to allow me to push him off, but as soon as I got free, he crawled on me again.

  It ended when Mom called us to dinner.

  ***

  My phone vibrated, while I spoke. Troy called and sent me a text message. I picked up the phone, but before I could read the message, Alaina grabbed it.

  She started typing.

  "Hi, baby?" she asked.

  "Babe."

  She typed.

  "Love you?"

  "Yeah."

  "There, now he won't worry."

  She handed me the phone, and I read her text.

  Miranda: Hi Babe, Sorry to bail on you. Aunt Alaina called and sounded pretty bad. I'm with her and feel like I should stay the night. Call you in the morning. Love you.

  Troy: Hope everything's okay. Call me in the morning, and I'll come pick you up.

  I love you so much.

  I found it difficult to breathe. The feeling started at my gut and rose to my throat. I was sure it would be the last time he said those words to me. I couldn't stop the tears from falling.

  Alaina didn't speak. She waited for me to stop crying and continue.

  ***

  Another incident occurred the next summer. Troy and I were playing in the sprinklers in my backyard.

  Scott walked into our backyard. He must have just arrived for the week. Troy ran up and hugged him, and I did the same. When I hugged him, he picked me up and ran with me through the sprinklers. I giggled as the cold water hit my bare legs.

  I wore a red bikini, and I remember because he told me how cute I looked in it. Although I did not understand his intentions, I liked the attention.

  At one point, I ran into my house to use the bathroom. When I came out of the bathroom, Scott stood outside the door. He kneeled down, and the smell of fresh-cut grass and sweat filled my nose. It made me sneeze.

  "Do you know how to kiss?" he asked me.

  I nodded my head.

  "Show me," he said.

  I kissed him on the cheek and smiled, proud of myself for doing what he asked.

  "That's not a real kiss."

  He leaned over and licked my lower lip and then placed his lips over mine. He pulled back a little and said, "Close your eyes."

  I did.

  Of course, I had seen people kiss on TV before, but I didn't know they used their tongues. I thought it only had to do with the lips. I had kissed Troy on a dare, but Scott's kiss was different.

  He stuck his tongue out and pushed it in my mouth. It tasted like beer. My dad let me taste his one time. The sour taste made me cough at the time. This time, it didn't.

  I let him kiss me for a while longer, but then his hands grabbed one of my legs, and I jumped back and pushed his hand away.

  "What's wrong?" He seemed confused and hurt.

  "I can't breathe," I said.

  "I'm sorry. I can kiss you somewhere else so you can breathe."

  Where else do you kiss people?

  He kissed my neck, and again it tickled. I giggled, and he continued.

  He kissed my chest and my stomach.

  "You like that."

  I didn't answer. I didn't know what to say. It did feel kind of good.

  "Can I kiss you there?" he asked pointing to my bikini bottom. This time, he didn't wait for an answer. He kissed me down there and then touched me with one of his fingers.

  "Doesn't that feel good?"

  I shook my head yes because I couldn't speak. Deep down somewhere in my brain, this should have bothered me, but I didn't stop him, and I think I liked it. He asked if he could see down there. Again, my silence seemed to give him the right to continue.

  He pulled my bikini bottoms down, and they fell to my ankles. He kissed me down there again. Small little kisses. I giggled again, but more out of nervousness. He stuck his tongue out and licked me, and I found my voice.

  "Stop." I backed away and pulled my bikini bottoms up while running out the door.

  He grabbed my arm. "I'm sorry; you're so pretty. I wanted to show you how pretty you are."

  He leaned over and hugged me, and for some reason, I hugged him back.

  Then we went back to the sprinklers as if nothing happened.

  ***

  Alaina wiped the tears from her eyes throughout most of the story.

  "Did your parents know about this?"

  "I think they knew," I said. "But, we never talked about it."

  "Why do you think that?" Alaina asked.

  "Because three days after it happened again, we moved to Grandma's house."

  "I can't believe you're being so strong about this," she said. "After what happened to you."

  "I'm not strong. I've been a mess my whole life." I shook my head. "The last four months have been a fluke."

  My life in the last four months has been an apparition, a mirage. So close to happiness, but it was vanishing right before my eyes, and I didn't have a clue how to stop it.

  "You are strong." Alaina came around the table. She grabbed my hands and held them tight. "You had a shitty thing happen to you when you were a kid, and the people who were supposed to protect you fucked up."

  "No, it's not their fault."

  "Yes it is. If they knew about it and didn't make you deal with it. That was wrong."

  "They thought as long as I was still playing piano and gettin
g good grades, I must be fine."

  "Are you fine?"

  "No. I puked my guts out on sidewalk from hearing the voice of the person who molested me eight years ago." The tears fell. "That's far from fine."

  "What do you want to do?"

  "I have to talk to Troy."

  "Well, you can't do anything tonight," Alaina said.

  "I'm pretty tired. I'm gonna go to bed."

  "You're going to be fine, Miranda. No matter what happens, you'll be fine."

  God, I hoped she was right.

  They next morning, it took some effort to open my eyes, and my sore throat made it hard for me to swallow, but my stomach growled. I rolled over and noticed clean clothes and a towel at the foot of the bed. The clock on the nightstand read 7:05 a.m. My tired brain protested as I forced myself to get up. I needed to get this day over with.

  I turned the water on as hot as I could stand it and let the steam and water pressure clear my head.

  I spent most of the night playing scenarios over and over in my head. They all ended the same way, with Troy wanting nothing to do with me.

  After twenty minutes, the hot water cleared out the fog, and I got dressed.

  I walked into the kitchen and found Aunt Alaina sitting at the kitchen table. The smell of bagels and coffee hit me.

  I closed my eyes and took a sip of the hot coffee, enjoying the taste as it soothed my sore throat. Today might not be as bad as I thought.

  "What are you going to do?" Alaina asked.

  "I'm heading back to the dorm and then over to Troy's."

  "You want a ride?"

  "Sure."

  I threw my stuff in a bag and met her at the car.

  "I'm really glad you came to me last night," Alaina said.

  "I had nowhere else to go." We both laughed. "I didn't mean it like that. I—"

  "I know what you meant."

  ***

  Alaina dropped me off in front of the dorm, and I promised to call her later. I gave her one last hug, and as I stepped out of the car, I scanned the campus grounds. How could it look so different in only twelve hours?

  I headed upstairs. I had not turned my phone back on since last night and needed to speak to Darcy. I had to find out what happened last night. I needed her positivity to rub off on me. She could always find the silver lining in any situation.