Unwritten

by Alex Rosa

  The hum of Elvis in the background isn’t enough to cover the awkward aura filling the diner, and the best remedy I can fathom is removing the problem: me.

  I walk around the breakfast bar, smoothing out my tank top and skinny jeans, focusing on breathing in and out.

  Caiden’s ready to follow me out, trailing after me like a concerned mother hen, but I’m not in the mood for sympathy. Not when it comes to my mom, or how I broke up a relationship or interrupted the lives of PineCrest.

  I just want to be left alone. I want to feel some sense of control. I haven’t felt it since I stepped foot in this town, and today’s fiasco is confirmation that I may never get it.

  I turn around to place a heavy palm against Caiden’s chest, stopping him. “I’m fine. You and I both know you can’t miss any more work, and I could use some air.”

  “You’re not fine.”

  “Don’t tell me what I’m feeling,” comes out sharper than I’d like, and Caiden slams his mouth shut, befuddled. “Things are just complicated, Caid.”

  “Please let me be there for you.”

  I want to tell him I don’t need him, but it’d be the biggest lie I’ve ever told, so instead, I gift him a tight smile, stand up on my tiptoes and place a kiss on his lips, and another on his stubbly chin, and one more for good measure on the tip of his perfect nose.

  “I’ll see you tonight, okay?”

  He releases a pent-up breath that signals his defeat. “I love you,” he exhales.

  “I love you, too.”

  I’m about to walk away but remember that I left my phone in my apron pocket. I lean back over the counter to grab it, the silence somehow emanating into a thick layer of static fog with all eyes still on me, but most importantly, a heavy emerald stare that’s trying to read me. But I’ve rebuilt the emotional wall I’ve mastered in the past five years. I didn’t think it would be so easy to build back up once Caiden and this town seemingly made it crumble just by existing, but now I think I need that protective wall more than ever.

  I swivel around before I head out the door to absorb one more vision of Caiden. I smile, he smiles back, and it’s satisfying enough to have me ready to depart.

  It’s all so strange and uncomfortable, but so necessary, and unfortunately none of us has to like it. It doesn’t matter, though. Caiden doesn’t stop me as he tugs on his bottom lip while he watches me leave, and CeeCee doesn’t utter a sound even though she’s the only one who knows my agony, and Brandon simply looks confused as hell.

  The answer to CeeCee’s question earlier suddenly comes to me:

  Life never gets easier. Ever.

  I grab for a pen as I pass the hostess podium, scribbling the thought down on the back of my hand so I’ll remember to put it into my notes.

  I wish my mom was here. She’d be able to knock some sense into me. She could help me figure out the rights and the wrongs. She’d probably tell me I should’ve stood up for myself. But my mom’s not here, and I feel like a shell of myself.

  It’s funny how one call from last night could have a snowball effect on my life. It’s one blow to my well-being after another. All I keep thinking is, it’ll just take one more call to set it all right again.

  As I exit the diner and the humid summer hits my skin, I stick the pen into my pocket and grab for my phone to dial Janet’s number. I barely get two rings in before I hear, “It’s about fucking time, Hailey.”

  Yeah, I guess it is. My time is up.

  Chapter Eighteen

  I’m sweating bullets when I enter through the swinging door of the bar. The buzz inside makes me feel more claustrophobic than I’d like, the murmurs and music seemingly sucking the oxygen from the room. I try counting to ten in my head to calm my nerves, but all I can manage is counting days, like how I’ve only been here twenty-seven days, possibly eight hours, twenty-four minutes, and thirteen seconds… fourteen, fifteen, sixteen…

  Deep breaths.

  How can I crash and burn so quickly? I’m a glorified drama mini-series. I’ve managed coming back to greet my heartbreak, break up relationships, rekindle a romance, to ruining it all in record time.

  The worst part about it is, I knew this is what was going to happen. I knew the potential destruction I could cause. Mrs. Palmer’s voice resonates in my head, and it’s terrifying. I’m selfish. I’m cruel. I thirst for a type of love I don’t deserve, and in the end it’s better to crawl back to my cave on the west coast.

  My call with Janet today proved it.

  I shift from counting minutes and days to counting my steps. It takes five steps inside before I see Caiden fast approaching. My heart flutters involuntarily. I’m sure he’s been watching the door since he arrived, waiting for me to get here.

  I wouldn’t say I ignored Caiden today since our awkward diner departure, but I definitely was slower to respond to him. I’d wait an hour instead of minutes to answer text messages. And as I watch him make his way to me, I can tell his steps are cautious. I’ve put him on edge, and I don’t blame the guy.

  My eyes drop to the orange flower in his hand. I blush, and I’m thrilled that the smile on my face appears so naturally.

  “Is that my favorite flower?” I ask when he’s stopped in front of me.

  He wets his lips as his eyes drag shamelessly from my head all the way down to my toes. I hate and love that Caiden looks at me with such fresh eyes every time we see each other. A girl deserves to know this feeling, and I highly recommend never letting something like this go, unless you absolutely have to. Like me.

  Lifting the flower up, I realize what he’s about to do.

  “Yes, it is,” he replies. “I give these to you. Only me.”

  A shocking giggle escapes me. How is it I forget how good laughing feels? It’s a natural remedy that soothes my woes, even if it’s brief.

  “Only you?” I ask, feeding into Caiden’s rare, but oh so hilarious jealousy that I don’t remember seeing so clearly since I was eighteen, over the same boy’s attention at that.

  “Gabe Samuels is an idiot. He knows better than to touch my girl, but it doesn’t matter now, does it?”

  I shake my head back and forth, letting my smile grow into a full-blown grin as Caiden moves to place the flower behind my ear.

  I blink back the water that wants to fill my eyes, because regardless of how cute this moment is, I’ve already sealed our fate.

  “What’s wrong?” he asks.

  I choke out a laugh, wiping at the corner of my eyes. “You’re just so annoyingly perfect sometimes.”

  He laughs, and I so badly want to laugh with the same zest, but my laughs are sadder, driven by something much darker. My life has a soundtrack of a ticking clock which seems to echo in my brain and somehow still overtakes the loud sounds of indie rock and roll blaring through the bar.

  Caiden leans down to kiss me, and goddammit he tastes so good. Too good. If I had my way, I’d let him kiss me stupid right here in front of everyone. Normally I would, but today’s not a normal day.

  Today’s D-Day.

  My insides plummet with my growing nerves, and I pull away. I’ve never pulled away before.

  Instead of calling me out on it, he just stares at me blankly, watching me like you would a cornered animal. I try to fake a smile, but I haven’t been able to shake that numb feeling since the diner.

  In a panic, I turn away, and what’s weirder is, he lets me. It’s what I think I should want him to do: to give me that free pass out of the situation; to be a master avoider; to give me a moment to pull myself together. But of course, that’s actually not what I want at all.

  Tonight, I’m no longer driven by love, and instead it’s fear that fuels each step. Me, myself, and I know that if Caiden were to make me accountable for even just a moment, my personal Armageddon would unfold.

  I keep thinking I can pretend a little longer. Savor his sweetness. Bask in his endless I love you’s, but it’s all a lie. I just don’t know when I’ll have the guts to confess wha
t I’ve done. But it’s becoming clear the floor is crumbling beneath me. I’ve never been a good actress. That’s why I’m a writer. I can’t help but write truths, even if I label them fiction.

  Trying my best, I plaster on a smile as I walk up to my group of friends in their normal spot. CeeCee is clutching a drink as she makes fun of Brandon taking a shot at a game of pool, while Cameron looks on, hiding his snickers behind his cue, and Tyler is trying to pick up the cute brunette watching in the back.

  I envy their routine. They get drinks together, gather at the same lunch spots together, and share nearly everything.

  My life in LA has its routine if you consider morning coffee and traffic, but it’s still erratic. I rarely see the same people, and my conversations vary from obscenely emotional storytelling to mundane complaints that never matter. You’d think I’d like the variations, but as I stare at my friends, I love that they have this closeness and hold it so dear. I’m reminded that they let me back in so easily.

  I’ve never felt so ungrateful in my entire life.

  “Cee, I need a drink. Let’s get a drink.”

  She swivels around, not realizing I was behind her. Her short, pale pink dress twirls beautifully as she turns to face me.

  “Is Hailey Elwood finally speaking a language I can understand?”

  I nod, needing that drink more than she knows.

  A firm hand smooths over my hips from behind, giving my flesh a gentle squeeze of admiration before moving to take hold of my hand. Caiden’s warmth is unmistakable. His skin against mine always feels like a blanket fresh out of the dryer.

  “I’ll grab us a drink!” CeeCee chirps.

  I still haven’t looked at Caiden. I give his hand a tense squeeze back but slowly slip away from him.

  “Hailey?” I hear, but the deep tone is barely audible over the music.

  I pretend I don’t hear it and instead trail behind CeeCee to the bar.

  “Is everything okay?” she asks as she hails a bartender.

  I nod my head a little too violently. “Yeah. Fine. I’m just, ya know…”

  “… Neurotic as hell tonight?”

  I purse my lips into a smile. “I guess.”

  “Have you talked to Caiden yet?” She turns back to the bar. “Two beers please, and also two shots of tequila!”

  I don’t argue.

  “Um, no I haven’t, but I will.”

  “When?” she asks, tapping bright red fingernails on the bar.

  “Soon,” I retort.

  “How soon?” she persists.

  “Knock it off, CeeCee. Not tonight, or I might just explode.”

  She goes wide-eyed a second. “Sorry… are you on edge because of Kristen’s mom earlier today? I can’t believe she did that.”

  Drinks appear at the bar as my mouth goes dry. “It certainly didn’t help the situation. Are we doing shots or what?”

  Her brows furrow over her bright eyes and her nose wrinkles as she watches me. “Well, don’t take it out on me, ‘kay?”

  I exhale. “I’m sorry. I’m trying to figure out how to handle this.”

  She grabs for the shots, but her movements are slow as she hands one to me. “Did something else happen today? Something you’re not telling me?”

  I shrug and grab for the beer as I attempt a sandpaper gulp, eager to wet my palate and relax. How could she know? Because I’m terrible at playing pretend. “Everything is fine. Why would you say that?”

  “Something’s different, but I can’t tell what. I’ve never known you to let someone get to you so much, if it’s Kristen’s mom that’s bothering you so much.”

  “She’s for sure the icing on this shit cupcake I’m currently living.”

  CeeCee’s furrowing brow turns angular in annoyance. “We can’t be that bad, can we, Hails? We’re all pretty much family here, and Caiden can’t keep his eyes or hands off of you. Life could be worse.”

  “Can it?” I blurt out more sharply than I’d like.

  “What’s that supposed to mean?”

  I shake my head, regretting everything at once. “Nothing. Let’s drink.”

  CeeCee’s enthusiasm from before has subsided as we take the shots in one quick gulp.

  She slams the glass onto the bar, hissing out the fumes as she turns to me. “Ya know, I’m just going to let this weird, bitchy side of you slide because I know you’re all sorts of confused, but I think it’s probably more important for me to say that I’m here for you if you need anything.”

  The gravity of guilt is quick to reappear inside my guts.

  Dammit, I’m going to miss her, too.

  “Sorry, Cee. I just need to drown it all out tonight. Is that something you can understand?”

  Her smirk is sadder than normal. “I can totally understand that.”

  We grab for our pints and head back to the boys.

  I stretch out my fingers, feeling the buzz thrumming through my limbs and beg for my nerves to subside, eager for the alcohol to take effect.

  “Drinking tonight, Hailey?” sounds as I approach the pool table. The harsh, judgmental tone is impossible to ignore.

  Caiden grabs my nearly half-empty glass from my hands and places it on a table. My brows pull together. “So what?” I huff at him.

  “It’s never been your thing, so I thought I’d ask.”

  “How could you possibly know what my thing is anymore, Caiden?”

  His eyes heat with annoyance, and I’m stunned by my misplaced question and tone. “I used to be your thing. Am I still? Because I’m starting to question a lot of things tonight.”

  My sassy look falters as he redirects the conversation to a topic I’m not ready for. I reach for the orange flower in my hair, absentmindedly fiddling with the petals as I take in the sight of Caiden and try to figure out an answer to his question. Of course, the real answer is, he’s the only thing I’m into and always have been, but I don’t want to feed into the façade anymore. I won’t be able to keep it for very much longer. I change tack, trying for alcohol and sarcasm as my only way out. “I think I need more drinks to handle tonight.”

  I try moving around Caiden, but I figure out quickly there seems to be a fine line between walking as if you’re calm and collected versus sprinting for an escape. My steps come out like frantic shuffles as my boots skid against the worn wood floor, because I’m trying to act normal, but the guilty dead weight of my feet isn’t helping.

  I’m losing my mind. This is what the situation is doing to me. It’s turning me into a lunatic.

  I don’t make it three feet away from our friends before I’m stopped. Caiden’s hand on my forearm gives a tight squeeze. I think it’s supposed to strike a sense of urgency, but I’m pining for him to comfort me. Although, how could he possibly know that when I’m acting like a raging bitch of deflect and ignore?

  “You’re not making sense. You’re acting weird.”

  “That’s a subjective opinion. What you don’t realize is that I am, in fact, very strange. I’m sorry I didn’t send you the memo—”

  “You’re doing what you always do,” he grunts.

  “Excuse me?” I lick my lips, knowing my nerves are officially going to get the best of me.

  “You’re avoiding. You do this every time, even before you left. You can’t smart-ass your way out of this one, Hailey. Not with me. You owe it to me. To us.”

  I grit my teeth to fight back my defensive sob. Can he not make me feel so predictable, please?

  “Fine.”

  “Then tell me what you’re not saying… what you’re afraid to say. Obviously, there’s something on your mind.”

  It’s a dare, and I’ve brought him to this point.

  My bottom lip trembles without my permission, and I glance around at all the people. Our friends and some strangers, and the music in the background only amplifies my anxiety, as if Nirvana really needs to become the soundtrack to my demise.

  “In front of all these people?” I whisper.

&nb
sp; He shrugs, and it hurts, the motion sending a venomous burn through my veins, but I’ve done this, haven’t I? This is all my doing. I’ve made him angry. And an angry Caiden has a way of mastering indifference like a frickin’ champ. He wields it like passive poisonous darts, with each effortless shrug and drag of his glowing eyes, and it stings.

  “If you’re ready to be serious, let’s take this outside.”

  Now the question is, am I ready to be serious?

  I swallow down my bubbling guilt barreling up my throat and nod. He leads the way with heavy, determined steps. I ignore my friends’ open gawks. Even CeeCee is stunned as she watches Caiden and me leave. I wish I could explain.

  I’ve forgotten how to breathe, and I keep thinking going outside will help, but instead the sticky humidity that hits my skin suffocates me more.

  Caiden doesn’t speak for a whole minute, as if hoping I’ll speak first or that the silence might give something away, but instead I just keep averting my eyes. I choose to stare at the endless darkness encasing the trees around us, thinking about how we were in this same spot when I saw him for the first time after five years of worrying he was just a figment of my imagination.

  Now things are too real.

  “Why are you acting like this? One moment we’re good, and then suddenly we’re not. Does this have to do with earlier?”

  I snort. “It’s everything.” I wave a flippant hand, my patience vanishing, expecting him to understand, but all he can do is watch me pace in the middle of the dirt parking lot.

  “Everything? I can’t keep track, Hailey. You’re driving me nuts. One minute you want me; the next minute you don’t. Then everything’s the problem. But I guess that makes sense, because you can’t seem to look any of our friends in the eye, and you sure as hell can’t stand looking at me longer than one second.”

  I come to a halt facing away from him, proving his point. “I don’t want it to be this way. I promise you that, at least.”

  “Would you fucking look at me when you talk to me? Don’t I deserve that much? What the hell is going on? You’re being cryptic.”

  My boots drag slowly on the gravel as I turn to look at him. “Caiden, I’m freaking out, okay? It’s… I’m… so fucked up.” I have half a mind to add, We’re so fucked up, but it’s probably too honest.