Just Enough

by Michelle Gross

  I was quiet again, only because these conversations with her made me uncomfortable, and by uncomfortable I meant my heart clamped up so tight, I couldn’t breathe. It was like it was trying to say, “pick me, pick me.”

  “Benjamin…”

  “If you change your mind, I’m leaving tomorrow to move into my apartment. You can come stay with me; you won’t have to pay. We’ll get you signed up for some classes; it’s not too late.” I was compelled to tell her again because I wanted her to go so bad, I couldn’t stand it.

  It was hard to see her face clearly from this distance, but she appeared to be biting her lip nervously. “Ugh, you’re a broken record.” She paused. “But I’m going to miss you.”

  “I’m going to miss you too.”

  And that was that.

  I was leaving; Emily was staying.

  _______

  Emily

  Come with me.

  His words kept me awake that night. They kept me awake until three that morning, but even when my eyes first opened, and my mind started…

  Come with me.

  The words wouldn’t go away. They haunted me. Like him leaving was. It felt like the biggest betrayal that he was leaving and going away, most likely to become something amazing or to come back home in a few years and work at his Dad’s business. Either way, he shined bright.

  I wasn’t jealous. Far from it.

  Benjamin used the head on his shoulders instead of the one in his pants like the rest of the boys his age. He was a strange one.

  He was also my best friend. Unlike him though, I feared what came next. I didn’t have it all mapped out. While I played around with boys, he kept his nose in a book or played baseball—the only sport he played in high school. He was good at everything, every sport, but baseball was just his thing. And he was great at it.

  But he was done with it, onto newer things.

  And those thoughts were what sent me into a depression. Growing up meant this day would come, he’d go away and leave me. I was easily forgettable. Girls didn’t snag his attention in school. Kelly intrigued him for a while, but she only lasted six months. I could remember what she told him when they broke up, “I don’t feel like I’m even in a relationship. You don’t care if we spend time together. You don’t act like you want me at all!” She wanted his time and he had none to give. He wasn’t one to act all lovey-dovey to please his partner.

  But, he wasn’t just like that with her or girls. He was that way with everything. He played every sport in middle school and then when high school hit, and he was losing too much of his free time to laze around and do nothing, he dropped everything and stuck to baseball.

  See? Lazy, odd, and uninterested in girls.

  Couldn’t you see how strange that was for a boy in high school?

  For an oddball, he sure didn’t look odd at all. He was easy on the eyes. Like a future sexy professor in the making with his black-rimmed glasses and impressive build. He wasn’t broad, he was lean, but God was he tall. So tall. The basketball coach cried when he quit the team freshman year without a backward glance.

  As good looking as my childhood pal and neighbor was, I’d never seen him like the rest of the girls at school. He was just Benjamin. The guy that I grew up with, the one that I considered my best friend, the one that knew all my dirty secrets. And he never judged. He always came when I called.

  Everyone wanted a someone like that in their life, and he was mine. Back to why I went into a depression at the thought of him leaving. Considering who he was and the way his parents were, I always had a feeling I’d lose him in time. We were far too different. On different sides of the fence. My parents weren’t bad if you’d asked me. My dad was a slob, and he drank a lot, but he was funny…sometimes. My mom worked at the courthouse while Dad drew a check every month from an injury on his back that he got in the mines when I was a baby. They had their bad days but who didn’t?

  They didn’t care what I did, much to Benjamin’s annoyance, but from this side of the fence, his parents weren’t all that great either. His mom, Faith, hovered and was controlling, and she hated me… Not that I gave her much reason to like me when she’d see me sneak off with one of my exes over the last couple of years.

  I didn’t know why Faith snubbed her nose at me. Benjamin and I were best friends that was it. I wasn’t going to sneak into his bed one night and corrupt him although I was sure she thought I wanted to.

  My friend Katie would in a heartbeat which was why Benjamin wouldn’t ever let me bring her over to his room. He had a radar that detected clingy girls, and he avoided them. It was funny and sad to watch all at the same time. Funny to see him become hostile toward them, but sad for all the girls that seriously liked him and were shut down with his disinterested, cold glare.

  Except when it came to me. I was his bestie, so I had his attention, but I was losing him.

  Come with me.

  What would I even do if I did went? I couldn’t leech off him even though he would let me… I could find a job. He said it wasn’t too late to sign up for classes…

  The thought of leaving everything I knew petrified me. But the thought of not having Benjamin around equally killed me. He was my safety net. I wanted to keep him always, or at least until he got married, or if his wife was okay with sharing him, that’d be awesome. She could have him in the bedroom. After being with three guys, I realized none of them knew what they were doing, and sex wasn’t at all what TV made it out to be. I just wanted my best friend. My safe place.

  My phone rang, distancing me from my inner turmoil.

  Had he already left this early? I wondered as I answered my cell. “Hello?”

  “Hey, what are you doing?” It was Katie.

  “Nothing,” I murmured, deciding it was time to venture downstairs and grab a bite to eat.

  “I figured you’d be with Ben before he headed out or has he already left?”

  I didn’t want to say goodbye.

  But at her words, I darted over to the living room window and peered over into their driveway. I exhaled a relief when his truck was still there.

  “No, he’s still home.”

  “What’s wrong?”

  I stiffened and tightened my hold on my cell phone. “Nothing’s wrong.”

  She snorted. “Yeah, um, no. I know you too well.”

  My phone chimed, and I pulled it away to see that I received a text from Benjamin:

  Let’s go! (with a hundred different smiling emojis.)

  Despite the churning in my stomach, despite myself in general, I smiled, then it quickly turned into a frown. “He wants me to go with him,” I abruptly said.

  “What? Who?” Once it clicked, she squealed. “Oh my God, how long has he been asking?”

  Since before we started senior year. “The last several weeks.”

  “And you’re just now telling me?”

  “Because I knew how you’d act.”

  “Yeah, that’s right. You’re so lucky to have him, Em. You’re crazy if you don’t. Your guy friend is offering something that he wouldn’t offer in a billion years to anyone else.”

  “What would I even go for? I’m me. I don’t have it all mapped out like he does.” I paced the floor as I started spilling my guts out. The fact that I was almost out of time, my brain kept saying, Are you really okay with not going?

  “Most people don’t, we go to college to figure it out.” She laughed at me like my rambling was hilarious.

  “I won’t know anyone. Despite what people think, I hate change and being forced to meet new people.”

  “Yeah, I know.”

  “I’m terribly shy and people think I’m being a bitch when I just don’t know what to say. I have to get to know them first before I can be myself.”

  “I know.”

  “I hate waking up early.”

  “Then try to get mostly evening classes,” she countered.

  “I never was good in school.”

  “Because you never
try.”

  That was true. “I’m…scared.”

  I could feel her smile in her voice as she spoke softly, “Of what? Ben’s gonna be there.”

  I don’t know why, maybe it was the way she said it. Maybe it was because I was tired of saying no to him or looking for reasons to stay.

  He wasn’t going to be here. He was going to be there.

  I stopped pacing and looked at the clock on the wall. “Oh my God, I probably don’t have much time left!”

  “So, you’re going?”

  I ran upstairs. “I think… I am.”

  She squeaked then stopped. “Wait, then that means you’re leaving me.”

  I smiled. “You said I should go.”

  “You should, but I’m still sad.”

  “Maybe Benjamin will let you come stay with us when your semester’s up.”

  She sputtered. “Yeah, I don’t see that happening. That boy’s terrified of me.”

  I laughed. “Can you blame him? You make it obvious you’re trying to get in his pants. The one time I brought you over to his house, you stripped and climbed into his bed.”

  “Heyyy, you can’t blame a girl. The question is why have you two not climbed into each other’s bed as close as you two are?”

  My response came easy. “Because we’ve never been like that. That’s not us. He’s him and I’m me.”

  “I bet it won’t stay that way when you’re living under the same roof!” She was having so much fun with this, I hated to burst her bubble.

  “I don’t see him that way. Besides, Benjamin’s not really into sex and girls.” I opened my closet door and started tossing all my clothes onto my bed.

  “He had sex with Kelly!”

  “Yeah, because she was his girlfriend at the time.”

  “Tiffany also said she slept with him.”

  I scoffed. “Tiffany’s a liar.” I studied my room. “I have to go. I need to hurry.”

  “Call me later.”

  “I will.” I hung up.

  I didn’t have a suitcase, so I was forced to run back downstairs and get a few black garbage bags. I bagged up some of my clothes, my straightener because my curls were beastly, and all my toiletries. I placed my reading tablet in my purse along with my chargers and adapters. My phone…wallet… I started mentally checking off things I needed while knowing I could leave the rest behind.

  I was more worried about calling and letting my boss know I was quitting Crash’s than telling my parents. As I hauled the bags down one at a time to the front door, Dad sat on the recliner sipping on a cold one when he said, “Where ya going?”

  “To college with Benjamin,” was my answer.

  He replied easily with, “Isn’t he going out of state?”

  “Yeah, we are.” I smiled, shaking and suddenly excited at what I was about to do.

  “Huh, well, that’s good.”

  I rolled my eyes still smiling and walked outside with my first bag. I didn’t tell him I changed my mind, but I’d surprise him after I loaded my things in his truck and sent him a text to walk outside. I had it all planned.

  I was lost in my own head, so I didn’t notice Faith until she was right beside me when I lifted the bag up to toss it over into the truck. I came to a pause and met her steely expression as she glanced at me head to toe. Her Korean heritage gave her an amazing complexion. You’d never know she had an nineteen-year-old son. We were about the same height, but while I was full of curves, she was skinny and more put together than I would ever be. “What are you doing?” she asked me.

  “Um,” was all I could think to say. Benjamin probably hadn’t told her that he wanted me to go with him.

  “Benny’s leaving, what I’m wondering is why you’re tossing a garbage bag over into his truck?” She didn’t wait for me to respond. She smirked, one of pity and ridicule. “Don’t tell me you think you’re going with him?” Her eyes darkened. “Like I’d let that happen. Hanging out with you has ruined his image enough.”

  I wish I could have shrunk into my own skin. I wanted nothing more than to end this confrontation and run back inside, but if I did, then she’d know how much she got to me. Truthfully, I already knew how much better her son was than me. She didn’t have to tell me that.

  Knowing my face was red and I could do nothing about it, I tightened my grip on the bag and looked down. “I’m going to college with him.”

  “I know your type.” She yanked the bag out of my grip, and it was left there between us as she scorned me. “You think you’re going to get him away from me and have him all to yourself where you can get pregnant and tie him down.”

  Now I did look up. “Mrs. Helen, Benjamin’s my best friend. It’s never been like that for us. Besides, I’m not whatever you think I am!”

  She huffed. “Oh, I know exactly who you are. Staying out all hours of the night and coming home with a different boy every night, making my Benny come get you every time you called!” I didn’t go out every night nor was I with different guys. I had three boyfriends, yes, they’d all been assholes… I guess compared to her Benny I was a bad apple.

  I wouldn’t cry. I wouldn’t feel ashamed or embarrassed. I made mistakes, but I hadn’t dated anyone since Josh last year. I learned.

  Still, I kept my eyes lowered for fear of crying.

  “Emily!” I had to look up when Benjamin called for me. He was smiling ear to ear as he carried a bag over his shoulder and stepped off the porch. He looked at his mom and me and his smile faltered. “What are you doing out here, Mom?” he asked her.

  “Just waiting to watch you leave.”

  He nodded then looked to me. “Have you made up your mind?”

  I would not cry. I would not cry. He was smiling. Why did that hurt? I ran to him for everything, but I couldn’t this time. I hid my emotions with a fake smile.

  I glanced over at his mom—who was giving me the death stare behind him—then back to him. “I came to say goodbye.” My voice sounded okay despite everything I was feeling.

  He looked disappointed with my answer but accepting nonetheless like he knew it was going to be my answer from the very beginning.

  He caught sight of the bag between us and his eyes sparkled. “What’s this?”

  Flustered, I grabbed it quickly. “I was taking the trash out while waiting for you,” I lied.

  “Here, let me get it for you.”

  “No, I can take it down.”

  But he refused, so by the time I followed him down to the trash bin, and he placed my things into it, shutting the lid over it, I both wanted to cry and run back into the house.

  We stood back by his truck once again, and he kept looking at me. “Are you sure?” he asked again. I took in his slanted eyes that were my favorite feature on him. He took them after his Mom, along with her hair and flawless skin. He had his Dad’s strong features though, like his nose and jaw. I tried to picture how he would have looked if he had gotten his Dad’s blue eyes instead of his mom’s brown ones and decided brown would have been best, regardless. With all those combinations, it was easy to understand his popularity.

  But this time my answer was the truth. “I’m sure.” The part of me that wanted to go died the moment I encountered his mother.

  He seemed to debate something for a while before he quickly pulled me into a hug. It was awkward for both of us. We really didn’t show affection this way. The only time he was ever touchy with me was when he was comforting me during my breakups.

  This was a goodbye hug, and I hated it.

  I didn’t get to enjoy it.

  Then he was pulling us apart, and I hated that too.

  Because he was leaving, and I was staying.

  The world didn’t want you to be close to me any longer, especially if it had a mind like your mother.

  Out of fear, I grabbed his arm as he opened his truck door. He turned around to face me. I swallowed and met his eyes. “You’re gonna call me, right? You’re still going to come and see me when you visit?”
I didn’t care that his mom was right next to us, heating me up with her gaze. “Right?”

  He grinned. “Of course.”

  “Promise?”

  He laughed, but then something in my expression caused him to stop. “I promise. I’ll let you be my best man the day I get married, that’s how much I promise.”

  His words eased the tension in me, and I burst into laughter. “Oh my God, please let me be your best man when you get married.”

  He was laughing too. “Stay out of trouble while I’m gone,” he told me.

  “Of course.” I nodded.

  He didn’t seem to believe me. “Are you going to be okay?” he asked me.

  “Yeah.”

  “All right, say goodbye to your momma too,” Faith said, hurrying to get me out of the picture. I stepped aside and let her have him.

  We said goodbye a few more times.

  And then he was gone.

  Chapter 2

  ______

  Benjamin

  2 years 8 months prior…

  It was a week before Christmas. I had just gotten back in Wells, Virginia, and the first place I stopped was Crash’s.

  I knew Emily was working; we texted daily without missing a beat. If one of us went too long without hearing from one another, we’d automatically assume something was wrong. I hadn’t seen her since the summer break, and I needed to see her face like something fierce.

  We’d been having a mild winter, with no sign of the first snowfall, but the cold air was bitter this evening as I opened the door and stepped inside. Maybe we’ll get a white Christmas, I thought as I wiped the fog from my glasses. The warmth of the diner fogged them up the moment I stepped in. I placed them back on just as she saw me.

  “Benjamin?” I grinned at the tickled sound of her voice. She walked away from a table after placing their food down. “I should have known you were lying when you said you weren’t coming home.”

  I took her in as she walked toward me. The first thing I noticed were her curvy hips and full breasts. She’d gained weight since I’d seen her over the summer. If there was one thing about Emily, she never looked her age. In high school, she attracted older guys because she looked older. Her body was curvy and perfected so that it could be mapped out by someone’s hands.