He was just as surprised at my outburst as I was. I never yelled at them. I never had a reason to. We never talked enough to argue.
Because I hated myself for saying those things to him right after Mom leaving, I ran upstairs and distanced myself from the problem.
______
The following week to come would be a blur because every day felt the same. Dad was passed out when I got off work every day, and when I was off, I stayed home and watched him look down at himself almost in disgust as well as glaring at the TV and recliner he rested in everyday.
I made meals and managed to get food down him, but he wasn’t open to conversation and I hated that it relieved me. I didn’t know how to make him better. I couldn’t make him better. He had to want it, but by the volumes of beer he was consuming, he didn’t want it. He only wanted to be numb.
On a whim before class one morning, I took out his beer in the fridge and hid it in my room. I didn’t even know why. I watched him do this my whole life, but suddenly I felt the weight of it pressing down on me like I was him, and it was killing me just like it was him. This house was dark, darker than ever before. The walls were quiet and empty, and my dad filled his belly with more alcohol than he did food.
When I got home from the college that day, he had new beer in the fridge because I went upstairs to my room and found what I stashed away in my room.
I went back downstairs to confront him about it. “You weren’t drinking when you drove, were you?”
“How could I when I had none to drink?” he asked me. That was true, and I sighed in relief.
“Dad…” Only when he looked over at me, I couldn’t form the right words. Once more, I didn’t know how to help him. I needed the perfect words.
Because the wrong ones could do more damage.
So, I left my feelings unsaid.
________
A few weeks later, something crashing to the floor downstairs had me bolting out of bed and running down the stairs. I took in the broken floor lamp and the tossed coffee table in the living room but saw no sign of Dad. My eyes widened when I saw the opened front door.
I ran barefoot outside just as he started his rinky-dink truck up. “Dad!” I yelled, hoping we didn’t wake our neighbors up, especially Benjamin’s parents. That was all I needed, for Faith to see my Dad getting behind a wheel drunk. And by this random behavior, I figured he was drunk-drunk.
Mom’s leaving had finally caught up with him.
I banged on the window. “Dad, get out of the truck now!”
“Do you know where she’s staying?” he asked through the window. His voice wasn’t slurred, but he drank every day, so he could be completely wasted and I wouldn’t know.
“I don’t.” I tried opening the door, but he locked it.
“I bet it was the judge,” he muttered darkly, grabbing the stick shift. “Tom always had a thing for her. I should have known this would happen while she worked at the courthouse.”
“What?” Judge?
“Dad, you’ve been drinking, you can’t drive!”
I didn’t even know how late it was.
When he started rolling the truck out of the driveway, I ran across the front and jumped in the passenger side seat. “Dad, will you please stop?” I tried touching his hand, but he jerked away. “At least let me drive. I’ll take you where you want to go.”
He was already driving down the road and my stomach churned from impending danger. “Just let me go alone!” he yelled.
I flinched for a second, then started again. “Dad!” He struggled to keep the truck on the road. “Do you want to get us killed? Pull off and let me drive!”
Instead of anger, my dad cried. “I don’t know who I am anymore.” I studied his unkempt appearance, his messy dark hair and beard, and the beer belly he had. “I haven’t been anyone in a long time.”
“Dad…” I didn’t know what to say. My heart broke for this man because I felt like something pivotable just happened in his head, and although it was heartbreaking, it had to happen.
“I’m so damn ashamed.” He wiped his eyes, and when he did, the whole truck jumped. I hadn’t been looking at the road to know we had gone completely off the road and jumped a rock that sent us tipping over.
“Dad!” I screamed, but it was too late.
Neither of us was buckled up, so when the truck flipped on its back, I felt like my neck broke as I smacked into the roof of the truck and white spotted my vision while all kinds of new pain hit me all over.
One part was ending, but the worst was just starting. I grunted and glanced down at myself; I was lying completely on the roof instead of in my seat. There was blood, and the windows were shattered, but I couldn’t see where I was bleeding from. I cried out when I tried to move my right arm and realized that it was most likely broken, but the good thing was my neck and back felt fine, just a little roughed up. I wouldn’t know for sure until I got out.
I glanced over at Dad and he was alert…and he was crying. He looked over at me, he too was lying awkwardly across the roof. “Are you okay, Emily?”
I grimaced. “I think my arm’s broken, but I think I’m going to be okay. Are you?”
“Why did you come with me? What am I doing?” he asked me. “I could have killed you!”
“Dad, how much have you been drinking?”
Blood trickled down his forehead. “Too much to be driving,” he admitted.
“Do you think you can climb out?” I asked him. “Let’s hurry up and do it before someone calls. I’ll say I was driving.”
“No, I’m not letting you. I fucked up. You’re my daughter. I should be taking care—”
“Dad!” I screamed. “We don’t have time. We both need to get to the hospital and when this is over, what I get in return will have been worth it.”
“What do you mean?”
“You’ll stop drinking,” I told him firmly. “And we’ll figure out who you are.”
“I don’t know if I can, Emily…” He was being honest when he met my eyes. “But, I think it’s time to try.”
______
I didn’t think the cops bought our story of me driving. I had no cell phone or driver’s license on me and neither had Dad. It had been one in the morning, and Dad had been drinking, they had tested both our levels, but they couldn’t do anything about it. Dad and I were the only ones involved, so they only had our word.
The truck and the both of us were banged up, so it had been easy to say that I was driving. The fact that my arm was broken and his wasn’t was the only issue, but I had no clue how it was broken, anyway. So, it hadn’t been hard to tell them it must have hit the steering wheel, and I didn’t think the police of Wells were going to waste their time and energy sampling the blood in the truck and whatnot to try to get me to admit that Dad was driving.
My dad made a horrible choice, and maybe I shouldn’t have said I was driving, but I made a choice to hope for better for him and from him. Only time would tell if my choice was the right or wrong one.
We had no choice but to call Mom at the hospital, and that was something I dreaded. She could have ruined it all if she said Dad had been driving, but she didn’t.
With a splint and sling on my arm and an appointment to go get a cast in a few days, we left the hospital with Mom.
Dad had some fractured ribs, and we were both heavily bruised and scratched up. I had dried blood all over me and was exhausted, but now I would have to figure out how to bathe myself and get through this horrible night once we were home.
“What were you thinking?” Mom scowled at Dad the moment we were in the car. “Do you realize a broken arm is nothing compared to what could have happened to our daughter?” She was talking to him like I wasn’t there.
“I know, Deb. I fucked up.” He sat in the backseat with his eyes closed and breathing heavily. He probably felt just as horrible as I did.
“Yes, you did,” she seethed. “You could have killed yourself too.” Some of her anger
left, replaced with guilt. “Don’t make me feel guilty for leaving you.”
She didn’t say anything else until she was dropping us off. “Don’t stay and take care of him, Emily. You’re plenty old enough to move out if you don’t want to come with me.”
I looked at him nervously. “I’ll do better. I’m going to stop drinking.” He sounded tired when he spoke.
She laughed, only it was one of hurt. “It takes this for you to want to change?”
“No, it’s been on my mind since you left.” He startled us both. “It’s hard not to think about what a waste I am when my wife leaves and Emily’s terrified to leave me alone or tell me any hard truths like I’m fragile.” He winced, cupping his side as he spoke.
She crossed her arms. “I want to see it then.”
He met her cold glare with a softer one. “Will you come home?”
“No. I’m not coming back, Nolan, but prove me wrong. I don’t think you’ve got what it takes to quit drinking.”
“Be careful,” he told her as he started walking in the house still holding his side.
“Don’t start acting like you care now,” she hissed, but her gaze was sad as she looked at his back as he disappeared into the house.
She cared. She did. I saw it then. And I heard it in her words as she was giving him tough love before he walked inside. Dad must have heard it too that was why he didn’t say anything.
She looked at me and wrapped me in her arms. “I’m sorry I made him worse.”
I shook my head and pulled away from her just so that she could see my face. “No, Mom, you made him better.”
Only nobody knew it yet.
After cleaning up the best I could in the bathroom, instead of going in my room and sleeping, I found myself walking downstairs to check on Dad, but he wasn’t in his recliner. I found him in his and Mom’s room—well, just his now.
Without turning on the light, I climbed into bed and laid next to him. “Dad.”
“Hmm?” he murmured.
“Why did you start drinking?”
He sighed. “Imagine waking up every morning and going to work and enjoying it. Taking care of your family and providing for them is something you loved to do. I had a cute little daughter and a beautiful wife, then the very job that provided for us nearly crippled me and took my back out in the process. Imagine going weeks without getting out of a bed, and your wife brings you home and cares for you, even wiping the shit off your ass. Suddenly, I’m not the provider, I’m being taken care of instead. And we had so many bills when you were little, and with my recovery taking so long, we knew I could no longer work, so your mom found work and I…slowly slipped into what I never thought I’d be.”
I wish I could remember what he was like before he started drinking, but I couldn’t.
“It’s not going to be easy,” I told him, wincing as I moved my arm to get comfortable.
“It’s not,” he agreed. “Emily, I know I haven’t been a good father but… Don’t give up on me.”
“I won’t.”
Never.
Chapter 7
________
Benjamin
2 years prior….
Summer break was almost over. Instead of going home, I stayed in Tennessee and wasted it away on Tammy.
I took enjoying my free time to a whole new level. I didn’t have any responsibilities with schoolwork and my job which was at college. I blew a lot of money with Tammy eating out and hanging with other people we went to school with. I moved out of my apartment I shared with Luke and found a place with Tammy.
I liked Tammy. I liked her a lot.
She managed to keep me away from home and that told me something.
It was August, and I only had a couple of weeks left, so I brought Tammy home with me so I could get Mom to shut up, and I could also see Emily—who I talked to less and less.
I missed talking to her. We were growing apart, and while I called her up, she always kept busy. I was the only one trying to fight the inevitability of us becoming distant it felt like. And it sucked.
But my feelings for Emily were never healthy. I kept what I truly felt locked away so that I could be the safety that she wanted. That she needed.
I didn’t think she even needed that from me anymore.
Mom gushed over Tammy when I brought her in. She actually liked any girl as long as it wasn’t Emily. It still annoyed me how she treated her, but I was glad that she liked Tammy, and while they were chatting, I slipped out the door to see if she was home.
Her car was there, but I figured she’d come out when she saw me pull in. I knocked and waited. It was her dad, Nolan, that answered. “Hey, is Emily home?”
“You’re home Benjamin?” Something looked strange about him. He looked rough, well rougher than usual, but surprisingly, he looked clean. He was clean shaven. Only he looked terrible in the eyes with dark circles.
Wait, a minute. Was he really trying to stop drinking? I hadn’t believed Emily when she told me she had convinced her dad to stop. I didn’t think it was possible.
“Yeah, just got in today.” I placed my hands in my pants pockets.
“Emily’s working. I go pick her up when Crash’s close,” he informed me.
I frowned. “Why didn’t she drive?”
He looked uncomfortable. “She didn’t tell you?”
Tell me what? “Is something wrong?’
“No,” he said quickly. “Just been making a lot of changes recently, and she’s been helping me.” He paused a moment as he met my eyes briefly before scratching his head. “I decided to quit drinking.”
I smiled. “Yeah, Emily mentioned that. That’s great,” I told him honestly because it was. It was only going to be a disaster if he stopped trying. I thought briefly of what Emily might go through if he did revert to drinking again now that her mom moved out.
I hated thinking about it. Her troubles drove me mad.
“Hopefully, I’ll think so too when my body’s not fighting me for just one sip.” I didn’t know if his honesty was a good sign or what. My dad was a mess when he decided to quit smoking. He nearly drove us all crazy, but that was Mom’s job.
“I can go get her when she gets off if you want?” I offered.
“Nah, it’s my job but come over and see her when she’s off. I’m sure she’ll be glad to see you.”
With that, we said goodbye, and he closed the door.
_______
With a text from Emily that read: Benjamin, I thought to look outside. I spotted her in a bright pink hoody standing in our yard. She grinned when she saw me. “Benjamin!” she yelled-whispered dramatically while she waved. It was the cutest thing ever.
The air was warm that night, so I didn’t bother putting on a shirt. I did slip on some flip-flops on the porch and stepped off to meet her. “You just get off?” I asked her.
She nodded. “Why didn’t you tell me you were coming home?”
“Surprise?” I grinned sheepishly.
She rolled her eyes. “You’re the worst.”
“Wanna tell me why your dad’s driving you to work and picking you up?”
She smiled, and it was so damn bright and cheery. “For him to have a reason to stay sober!”
“How has he been doing?”
“Good, surprisingly. He’s miserable though and feels bad all the time. I hope his body starts adjusting soon.”
“That’s amazing.”
Her cheerfulness eased my own worries of her dad. If she had that much faith, then I could too.
The front door opened, and I turned around to see Tammy stepping out onto the porch. “Benjamin?” she whispered.
“Is that Tammy?” Emily whispered like Tammy wouldn’t be able to hear her. “She’s so gorgeous. Oh my God, no wonder you didn’t come home this summer until now.”
I laughed. “Tammy, this is Emily.”
Tammy smiled shyly. “It’s nice to finally meet you.”
“You too!” Emily beamed.
<
br /> And that was me, permanently in the friend-zone. She didn’t care that I dated. Ever. It would be nice to see her get a little possessive about me.
I glanced at Tammy and met her eyes with a smile then looked back at my best friend who was also smiling.
But, this was okay too. I enjoyed her as a person no matter how she fit into my life.
______
Emily
Movies?
Food?
What’s a guy got to do to get more than your phone #?
I glanced down at the incoming texts I kept getting from Roger, a nurse from the hospital visits over my arm. I was out of my cast weeks ago, but the lingering nurse-man wasn’t giving up.
I smiled a little.
And I thought I might give in.
“What’s got you grinning?” Benjamin asked as he slid into the booth with Tammy. I gazed up at them both and smiled.
“Just something.”
Benjamin’s brows furrowed together. “Now, I’m curious.” He hated when I didn’t tell him anything.
Hahaha. And I loved doing it.
“It’s rude to be nosy.” Tammy nudged him with her elbow.
“It’s fine,” I told her. “I’m used to his nosiness.”
“Nosiness.” He tilted his head up and tapped his knuckles against the table like he was annoyed.
“Sorry,” Katie came up to our table. I waited for the moment Benjamin gave me that look that could kill, and grinned. “Am I late?”
“No, we just got here.” I scooted over, so she could sit beside me.
“I didn’t know you were coming, Katie.” Benjamin was giving me the stink-eye as he said it.
Katie gave me a knowing look, then turned to Tammy. “Hey, I hope it’s okay I came. I’m a friend of….” She glanced between him and me. “Emily’s. We all went to school together.” I chuckled at how she left out his name. I didn’t blame her. He always acted like she was venom… Then again, she was annoying in high school. She was my girl though, and I loved her.
“Oh.” Tammy was completely bamboozled.
“It’s good to see you, Benjamin.” Katie murmured.
Oh, God.
I love it. Him being uncomfortable.
Just Enough Page 5
