My Benjamin was far from safe. He made my heart break into a terrible rhythm. He made my body throb. He made me weak in the knees, and he made me laugh, but he made me better for myself and everyone around me.
He was everything, even more than the guy he was that I worshipped for all these years. So it was no surprise when I found myself going to work early. I rushed to change into my work clothes. All I could think about was getting to him and just stopping this madness in my heart.
Consequences? I’d think about those when it was over and done with. After I had pressed my lips to his.
My stomach was in knots, but I couldn’t stop myself if I tried. His Raptor was in the parking lot. I took a deep breath and climbed out of the truck.
Then, time came to a terrible halt.
Benjamin had his arms draped over Kelly as they walked to her car.
I thought my heart hurt when I didn’t say what I truly felt.
This time it hurt so much more.
Because the image of the two together stole all my bravery away.
Chapter 24
________
Benjamin
3 days prior…
We were losing each other.
I didn’t know any other way to put it. Ever since I left that day to go see Kelly, we’d barely spoken to each other. I had drunk too much that day after spilling my guts out to Kelly. I hadn’t felt bad about it either. It felt good to tell someone how much I loved Emily. Only Kelly said she had already known. She just wished she’d been wrong. She still tried to hit me up that day, but I turned her down, and she drove me to the apartment and dropped me off. Emily had already left. I hadn’t seen her at work yet though, but I had been drinking.
I wished she had been home when I got there. Alcohol made me bolder. I might have spilled my heart out if I had seen her. Emily had still never told me if she had gotten her chance to get drunk yet, but she hadn’t asked me again either.
Now she was distant, and I was too.
I wasn’t sleeping well. I was tired throughout the day. When I got home, I wanted nothing more than to spend my time with her because I missed her so damn much this month. But she didn’t offer me a chance to say much every night when she laid down, and maybe I didn’t give her the chance either. We were off-kilter.
I knew she had contacted Tiffany for the fourth volume’s cover, and it gave me the chance I needed to strike a conversation with her that evening. She was off work, but she wasn’t in the living room. She was in her room. I headed straight for her door when I got off work and knocked.
“Yeah?”
“Can I come in?”
“Sure.”
I didn’t like her cold response. I wanted to shake some sense into her and me because this shit was uncomfortable, and I hated being at odds with her. I didn’t know what went wrong. I didn’t make a move and still fucked up our friendship somehow.
I opened her door and stood there. “You going to let me read the fourth volume?”
She was sitting on her bed reading. I might have had a chance against her if my heart didn’t tremble at the sight of her. She wore a pair of shorts that didn’t cover her ass cheeks and a baggy white T-shirt.
“I wasn’t aware you wanted to read it.”
“What the fuck, Emily?” I snapped. “Of course, I’d want to read it.”
She lifted her head and seemed almost afraid of me. “I’ll send it to you then.”
“All right, what’s going on? Something’s been off all month. We’re not even talking to each other.”
“We do talk.”
“Saying ‘hi’ and ‘bye’ doesn’t count.”
She tilted her head, her eyes sweeping over me. “Go away, Freddy.”
“No, he’s here to stay until you stop this—whatever this is.”
“Why don’t you go hang out with Kelly? Bet you’d have a good ole’ time with her instead of coddling me!” She was glaring at me. If I wasn’t so pissed at this entire situation and her, I’d say there were heat waves rolling through her room. Even her anger was giving me a hard-on.
“I DO NOT CODDLE!” I yelled. “Damn, I care, Emily. You’re making me so damn crazy.”
She laughed through her anger. “You’re making me more than crazy!”
“You’re making me a nervous wreck!”
“You’re making me lose my hair!”
“I’m not getting any sleep because of you!”
“Well,” she huffed. “I’m not either.”
We were both breathing heavy. Her cheeks were so red, and her eyebrows were slanted. This was getting too out of hand. I really wanted to kiss the holy hell out of her. Us yelling at each other was only making it worse.
“Shit,” I muttered, running away.
______
“What are you doing here?” Mom handed me a cup of tea I didn’t want. I grabbed it and sighed but left it sitting on the table we were at. I was at the house because I didn’t want to hang out with anyone that required me to be good company.
“I’m exhausted,” I told her.
She frowned. “I can see that. Not work-related, is it though?”
I smiled. “No, work’s great.”
“Emily then?” She sipped her tea casually.
“Don’t start talking about her, Mom. You know I can’t stand when you start bad-mouthing her.”
“So it is her then.” She took another sip of tea.
I sighed. “I can’t hold it in any longer… I love her, and I want to be with her.”
Now she was the one that sighed. “Why does it have to be the wild one?”
“She’s not wild. I think deep down even you know that. She’s a great person, Mom. So what? You don’t like her because she snuck out with her boyfriends in high school? You don’t like that she trusted me enough to call me when she needed someone?”
“Yes, yes, yes! Why? Is that so bad? You’re my son. I want someone as good as you are.”
I blew a frustrated breath. “Emily’s amazing, Mom. If you’d just get to know her.”
She turned her head. “You sound like your father.”
My mood brightened. “Dad said that?”
“Yeah… As much as I hated it, he started hanging out with her dad while you were away, so he spoke to her a lot too.” She shrugged her shoulders. “I suppose it is good that her dad straightened up. He looks a lot better.”
“Well, you’re in luck. Emily will never see me as anything more than her friend. She’s got it in her head that I coddle her. I don’t coddle, I protect. It’s different and manly.”
Mom’s jaws tightened. “What do you mean she only sees you as a friend? No one can look at my Benny and not see how handsome you are. You’re a catch.”
I rolled my eyes. “Wow, that sounds so amazing coming from my mother.”
Mom looked off into the distance as if she was contemplating something. “I’m good at getting that girl to listen… Should I talk to her?” She looked back to me.
“NO, are you crazy?” I asked her. “And what do you mean ‘getting her to listen?’”
She shrugged her shoulders, dismissing me. “Still, I don’t believe that. She’s always had that smile about her toward you that always ruffled my feathers.”
I covered my eyes. “Ah, fuck. Is it sad that I wished you were right?”
“Language, and I’m serious, Benny. She’s always looked at you…” She looked extremely startled at something she realized. “Like you hung the moon.” She crossed her arms. “Hmm.”
“I’m her safe place.”
“Her what?” Mom snorted.
“Never mind.”
Chapter 25
_______
Emily
2 days prior…
I bounced Jeffy on my knee when someone knocked on the door. “Who could that be?” I asked him with a smile as I got up and carried him with me to the door. I opened it up.
I did not expect Faith to be on the other side. Would it be bad if I slammed
the door and pretended I didn’t answer it? Yeah? Okay.
Her gaze went straight to Jeffy in my arms. I didn’t think I imagined the horror in her expression either before she said, “I don’t recall you being pregnant at all.”
I covered my mouth quickly and then held Jeffy closer. “Oh, no,” I sputtered. “This is my friend’s baby. She asked me to babysit.”
She relaxed. “He’s cute.”
“His name is Jeffrey. We call him Jeffy though,” I told her. “Are you here for Benjamin? He’s at work.”
“I know.” I had to step back as she barged in. I gave Jeffy a look then followed after her nervously. Why was she here? She was going to give me a panic attack. Especially since I was in love with her son and couldn’t do a thing about it. She didn’t know though. No one did. Except me.
I didn’t know if that was good or pathetic.
“Do you have tea?” she asked. I shook my head. “Guess I’ll get straight to the point then.” She turned around, and I straightened. Here it came… “Do you love my Benny?”
I opened my mouth to say no but found that I couldn’t. “Define…love?”
“Are you his friend or do you wish to be more?” She didn’t even give me a chance to respond. “It’s probably good that you don’t then. I gave him his grandmother’s pearls. He’ll probably give them to Kelly one day.”
“What?” I breathed out.
“Did I say something wrong?”
I couldn’t blink. I didn’t trust myself not to cry. Why would she come here to tell me that? “I, uh, just wasn’t aware it was anything serious.” I wouldn’t know what was going on. We barely spoke to each other. I kept a distance from him in fear that I’d lash out at him when it wasn’t his fault. It was mine for saying nothing, but how did things turning into giving his deceased grandmother’s belongings within a month? Benjamin had lost his mind. Maybe me too, I was on the verge of crying and throwing a fit in front of his mom.
She studied me. “What?” I said self-consciously.
“Why did you listen and not go with Benjamin that day?” I knew she was talking about the day he left for college.
“At the time, nobody put down me better than me. Although everything you said to me hadn’t been true. I wasn’t out to get in his pants or have his babies—whatever it was you thought, but I also thought he’d leave me one day, so it wasn’t hard to let him go. It had a been a fleeting feeling that had made me want to go with him, but you took care of that quickly.”
“I wasn’t aware friends feared losing each other in a such a way.”
“I love him, if that’s what you want to know. How I love him? Even I’m not sure how to answer you. He’s my best friend, believe that.”
“I still don’t like you,” she muttered.
That hurt. “I’m aware,” I told her. “But why? I’ve never tried to be more than friends with him.”
“If you don’t know the answer to that, you’re truly blind when it comes to Benny.”
And with that, she left.
Chapter 26
_______
Benjamin
16 hours prior…
Emily’s behavior had been strange since yesterday. I didn’t know what was the matter. I just knew she had her nails bitten down to the skin. Something was eating at her. When I asked her about it, she blew me off and that frustrated me because she was upset and that made me upset. I wanted to make her feel better.
Instead of avoiding me like she had been doing, she was watching me in an almost restless manner. It had my skin tingling with awareness. I’d turn around, and she’d be focusing on my back with her finger to her mouth.
Finally, I couldn’t take it any longer. I placed my keys down on the counter and hurried back into the living room where she sat. “Emily, I know when something’s wrong. Don’t make me go to work worrying about you,” I said painfully because it was the truth. If she hurt, I hurt.
“It’s nothing,” she lied. She wouldn’t meet my eyes. “Go on to work, Ben.”
My eyes widened. The world could have fucking ended for what it felt like. “What did you just say?”
“Should I say Benny?”
She was being passive aggressive, and I didn’t know why, but it was having the right effect because I was madder than hell. “What the fuck, Emily!” I bellowed.
“What?” She met my eyes with defiance.
“That’s not my name and you know it. You always call me Benjamin.”
“Everyone else calls you Ben and Benny! Why can’t I?” She tossed a hand up at me.
“Fuck everyone else!” I hissed, then I slapped my hand over my face. “I hate yelling at you, and I hate us arguing so let’s just not. Okay?” I turned away from her. “I’m heading to work.”
I heard her feet hit the floor. “Wait, Benjamin!” She grabbed my arm and yanked me around. Her eyes were rimmed with unshed tears. “Don’t give Kelly your grandmother’s pearls!” She was full-blown crying now. She pushed me back with her hands. I didn’t budge, but I didn’t think that was her goal. “How can you get so serious that quick?”
“What are you talking about?” I asked her, completely confused.
“You and Kelly!” Tears poured down her cheeks. No, this couldn’t be happening…
“Yeah. I’m still trying to figure out what you’re talking about.”
“The pearls!” She grew slightly angry with her tears.
“What fucking pearls?”
She sniffled, her tears slowed. “Your mom already told me all about her giving you some pearls to give to Kelly like it was meant to be something special.”
“There are no pearls, and there’s nothing going on between me and Kelly,” I told her.
She stared into my eyes. “But your mom said so… Why would she…”
This was what Mom did. She gave me the truth. What I was too afraid to see. She did it in a horrible way, but… Emily just revealed the biggest sign I needed.
“Emily, why are you so upset about it?”
Just bringing it up had her bursting into tears and covering her eyes. Her head was pointed straight in the air as she did and…my heart was fucking melting. We both…
“I can’t stand it. I hate it. The thought of you and her.”
“I’ve not seen Kelly in a month,” I told her.
“I saw you two leave that day together.”
“I drank. She drove me home because I got a little too carried away drinking… Because of you.”
That made her pause and breathe. “What? I don’t understand—”
“Emily,” I breathed. “Look at me. Just fucking look at me.” She did. “Really look because you haven’t been looking.” I needed her to grasp my words. I saw the moment she did. “Does it look like I’m fucking around with Kelly?”
Leaving her with those words, I turned and gave her time because by the time she got home tonight she’d have no more chances.
I was coming at her with every part of me.
Chapter 27
_______
Benjamin
Midnight-Present
After work, I stopped by the liquor store and grabbed some beer. My thoughts were obsessive since leaving Emily for work, but because of it, I knew everything I planned to do.
The green button was pushed the moment she gave me a sign.
Instead of staying at the apartment and waiting for her to get off work, I waited around and did some paperwork at the dealership and waited and waited. I knew she got off at eleven, but I waited until midnight before going home. I needed her to worry. I needed her to see what was happening if she truly didn’t know.
Her permission was all I needed. And I felt like I was about to get it.
It made me heady. It also made me feel powerful; the thought of having her affections.
I walked up the two flights of stairs carrying a twenty-four pack of beer. Once I was at our apartment, I knocked and waited. She came to the door right away. She greeted me in a pair of her ti
ny shorts and baggy T-shirt, looking edible. “Why did you knock?” she whispered.
I held the beer between us. “Still want to drink with me?”
She looked down at her feet and blushed.
“Still haven’t gotten drunk yet?”
She shook her head ‘no’ silently.
“Are you going to let me in?”
She let me in.
Then we shut the door.
Chapter 28
______
Emily
Benjamin wore his contacts. He had his glasses on when he left this morning. That felt like it meant something important…
He knocked at our door, then strolled in when I opened the door for him. My heart was erratic and clumsy as he followed behind me. He had purposely stopped next to me as I shut the door so that I’d have no choice but to walk before him. Now I felt the heat against my back.
He wore a pair of khakis and a dress shirt most days to work and it was what he still had on. Still, it was so late. “Where have you been?” I asked softly.
“At the office.”
I turned around. “This long?”
He unbuttoned the top of his shirt, and I swallowed. He opened the pack of beer and handed me one. “I kept them cold in the fridge at work.”
I took it. “You could have picked something tastier.”
He smirked, opened his, and went to the couch and sat down. I joined him there and opened mine. I took a drink and fought the need to make a face. Yeah, I would have preferred something other than a beer to get drunk for my first time. I tucked my legs underneath me as I faced him. The living room was dimly lit. I only had the floor lamp on while I had been sitting around, debating calling him and waiting for him to get home.
“So… Why drink with me now?”
His eyes were on me, completely fixated. It had me shaky and thrilled. “Did you ever sleep with any of them without a condom?”
I hadn’t expected that from him. “No. I always used condoms… Why? Did you not use them?” Please say you did.
“No. I always did too.” I looked away because he was making me nervous. “You’re still on birth control, aren’t you?” His questions really were giving the living room a certain amount of intensity that had me squirming and squeezing my legs together.
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