A New Hope (Tales From a Second-Hand Wand Shop Book 4)
Page 42
“Greetings,” said one of the natives- ostensibly the leader if his towering headdress was any indication. “Welcome to BokoHammyPoota. Who are you?”
“I’m Captain Sweets. Sweets Finnegan.” He preferred to use his first name with his official title because he felt it was more devil-may-care sounding. It also helped him lay groundwork with any potential female he encountered. Captain Sweets fought furiously to keep from smiling – or worse; laughing out loud. “Boko Hama whatee?”
“I am Chief Pamalamasooka,” said the Chief as he pointed at himself with his lower set of arms. The upper ones he spread wide, “And these are my royal guards. Welcome to BokoHammyPoota.” A smile spread across his face. It was, at least, welcoming.
“Your planet is called BokoHammyPoota?”
The Chief’s smile faltered. “Yes. Yes, it is. And where is it you are from?”
Not wanting to alarm the native, Captain Sweets gave the absurdly unhelpful yet approved-by-High-Command response: “From a galaxy far, far away.” It wasn’t really true; this particular planet was a mere 80 light years from the High Command Headquarters. The brass just liked the sound of it so they forced all their liaison officers to say it to new races.
Chief Pamalamasooka raised an eyebrow. “That’s not very specific. Does your land have a name?”
Sweets stool a little straighter. “Earth.”
The Chief nodded. “Well that is to be expected.” He gave a wink. “No gills. So what’s the name of your planet?”
“It’s Earth,” the Sweets said testily.
The Chief leaned on his formidable spear. “So let me get this straight; you think BokoHammyPoota is funny when that means ‘fourth planet from the sun’ and yet you call your planet earth?”
The soldiers around him laughed.
“So you come from dirt. How quaint. What do you call your bodies of water; ocean?”
“Hey now...”
“I’m amazed how some of you species even make it into space.” The Chief raised an eyebrow. “Have those damned Greys been helping you out?”
Sweets didn’t make eye contact with the Chieftain. It had, in fact, been a crashed UFO that had given them the technical hints they needed to initially build their own spacecraft. Reflexively, he looked over his shoulder. The ninety-foot across circular craft they had arrived in suddenly looked like something from a mid-twentieth century science fiction movie. A bad one where the strings could be seen manipulating the cardboard spaceships and the smoke from their engines rose straight up even though they were supposed to be in space. “Uhm,” he said unhelpfully.
“Those interfering dolts. I’ll bring that up at the next council.” He pointed a finger at the human. “There’ll be fines for both of you, I’m sure. I hope you can pay.” The smile returned. “Say, what do you use for legal tender?
“Money,” Captain Sweets admitted.
“Money!?” Chief Pamalamasooka laughed. His guards joined in uproariously. Tears streamed down their eyes.
Captain Sweets looked at the deep red dirt at his feet. Earth. “This is going to be a long five years,” he muttered.
* * *
[1] That’s heaps, you know...
[2] Here’s the recap: The first time was from the Pics. The second was in the Forest from the Orcs, remember? The third event will be discussed in about 3,500 words in the of Tales From the Mora Tau Bar and BAR - ‘Vagabonds Go Boom’
[3] Always, always ask. If nothing else, ordering off-menu makes you feel important. Try it sometime!
[4] Obviously
[5] Wouldn’t you?
[6] Eater of the screaming. That will be important later on in the series.
[7] While speaking to himself, Liverioso had no lisp. The same was true when speaking to animals, or of his lost love.
[8] We blame the editors for this. There was a great, heroic scene involving this noble magician, but it apparently did not ‘move the plot along’. And then Pinky showed up…
[9] That well-written, bloody scene, dear readers, was marked out with a thick red pen by an editor who is firmly in the middle of the “pro-Pinky” camp. Sorry.
[10] Book 10 - Grimbledung and The Rise of the Pic King
[11] Hah, hah? Just kidding guys!
[12] Technically at this point, it was staring.
[13] Yep- that’s pretty normal.
[14] WARNING MATH CONTENT: With an average words read per minute of 250: 730/250 = 2.92 minutes.
[15] Right? No, wait...
[16] ‘Wet Work’ was the vague, non-prosecutable term the Gremlins used when they weighted someone down and tossed them into any body of water.
[17] Really.
[18] It will be a short chapter in the Tales From the Mora Tau Bar- Red Door Sees Red!
[19] Book 5: Grimbledung and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good Mine. We know that’s not what the footnote said in Book 2. Things change, all right?
[20] That all depends on how much fan mail the Black Widows get...
[21] See?
[22] That’s it. Only fan letters will bring anything new on these two gals.
[23] Took a while, but there it is.
[24] Everyone does it!
[25] Ask for it at any fine establishment.
[26] We’ll discuss Grimbledung’s waiting on the docks in the chapter Grim Checkers, in Tales From the Mora Tau Bar.
[27] Veratus “Killer” Bosconius, the sparring trainer. From Book 1? From (more of) Chapter Thirty? Come on, that’s got to ring some sort of bell. It was a good scene!
[28] See? Told you.
[29] See what I did there?
[30] Stay in school!
[31] Stay in school!
[32] It’s Dwarfish for ‘really?’
[33] Yep- that’s the entire recipe. They’re called ‘Panzarotti’ in Southern Dwarfish. Most folks call them Crocché.
[34] There you go, Lucas. That’s just for you. Maybe it’ll take off this time.
[35] I figure she owes me for something!
[36] See?
[37] Tales From the Mora Tau Bar and BAR - Pinky Goes Fishing.
[38] Well, not really. It’s still going to be a misunderstanding between that Pixie, that Dragon, and whatever else was mentioned earlier..
[39] Really.
[40] It actually was. Sorry.